Bipolar Disorder Is Often A Curse Although Some Have Said It's A Blessing

Bipolar 1 Is What It Is

I am very good at feigning normalcy and happiness when I need to. Or I think so anyway. Sometimes so good I often convince myself that everything is actually fine. And I should be running for office, or be running some corporate conglomerate. But I am doing neither of those things. As much as I would like to be doing something of that caliber, I am hardly that successful. Or in control of my life.

I  am not always fine. Sometimes I have to fake that normalcy just to keep myself alive and functioning. Sometimes, most of the time I feel guilty for needing to pretend my life really isn't that bad all the time. Despite the stress, various elements are putting me through hell unfortunately. Because of such stress, I've learned to fake it because my mood swings affect the people in my life in ways I cannot understand. I only know what they do to me.

I have friends and family who have different varieties of circumstances that may or may not be dire. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I am okay I can focus on helping the people around me.

That is how I have to live my life on a day to day basis. When someone asks me, "Are you okay"? I usually answer with some version of "fine" "mostly okay". What that really means is most of the time I have convinced myself I am perfectly fine. I don't think there is anything to be done about this really. As long as they think I am doing okay, then that has to be okay.

A life full of medications
A life full of medications
My heart sometimes hurts to much
My heart sometimes hurts to much

So A Curse Or A Blessing?

I am on several different medications for Bipolar 1 Disorder,  and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)  and I know they work fairly well right now. I am about as stable as I am ever going to be. I have breakthrough episodes, but nothing like when I am off my medications. Without medication,  my life would be turned upside down and inside out. I would have nothing to look forward to,  my life is a disaster without them. I have been living like this for a very long time now. I guess I will have to see  if the medications work for a while longer into the future.

I can’t say I would want to be bipolar if I were given the choice to be cured. It has taught me many things. I have done things in my life I would have never done if it had not  been for bipolar and serious psychotic episodes. I would have missed a whole lot of living. But on the other hand I more than likely would have traveled a far different road than I have done. I wouldn't have been hospitalized over 20 times, I wouldn't  have been medicated most of my life, I would be able to remember things, it is hard to say if bipolar is a blessing or a curse.

Because I have have been in more trouble than I care to admit. I am not proud of the things I have done. And that saddens me. I want to be able to look back on my life and see good, not craziness all over the place. But I have to look at it as something I was given. I can’t give it back. So in essence it is what, or  who I am, or part of who I have become. No taking that back. I am not a bad person. I am too kind, I feel things to deeply. I am emotional about a lot of things, I care about other people’s feelings, I hate to see pain. I think that may be the blessing of bipolar, so in the long run I have to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

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crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 3 years ago from Washington MI Author

SaritaJBonita--Pretending isn't easy, I know the people in my life sometimes just get tired of the mood swings. They seem to like me best when I am moving into mania. Until the mania begins turning ugly. They are supportive of me, but I also realize they are not always eqipped to deal with me. Sometimes it is easy for someone with bipolar to become the center of attention. That is the last the thing I want, but it often turns out that way.


SaritaJBonita profile image

SaritaJBonita 3 years ago from Upstate New York

"It wouldn't be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I am okay I can focus on helping the people around me."

-I've found that this is only partly true. If I try to 'fake it til I make it,' I usually end up in a mixed up upside-down topsy-turvy Bipolar mess. I have to focus on myself in some aspects, because if I'm a mess I can't help the people around me...

-Also, my friends have told me that they 'like me better' (in a good way) when I'm real with them. It's such a big part of who I am that I feel like I'm hiding half of myself if I lie to my true friends...

Thanks for the post, I can so totally relate


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi jasper-It can be a struggle, thank you for reading and commenting. I hope your doing well :)


jasper420 5 years ago

thankyou so much for sharing your struggles iam bipolar aslo only iam bipolar 2 i share alot of the same thoughts and feelings


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you Scribenet for your sincere thoughts. They mean a lot. I learn something new everyday about having a mental illness. I have met some really wonderful people here on HubPages, people like who have given me the courage to say out loud that it is okay to be 'me'. I thank you for that :)


Scribenet profile image

Scribenet 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I thought this was a beautiful, well-written Hub! Some famous people suffer from mood disorders so do not let it limit you because you have a wonderful clear, evocative style of writing!

As DzyMsLizzy wrote,What is "normal," anyway? Today's world is full of people that have clearly lost their sense of reasoning logically and you are not one of them!

So, be brave, believe in yourself and know you have people here that believe in you! You are not your condition, it is a part of you like some of us have arthritis; you work with it, as you have said.

Looking forward to reading more wonderful Hubs by you...Hugs!


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi Seakay-I have done my share of disappearing over the years. I have had social networking sites as well that I just deleted. Bipolar has a weird way of changing who you are and sometimes the things we do are not easy to explain, even to ourselves. I hope you hear from your friend. Thank you.

Vocalcoach you are so very kind. Thank you so much, you can never know how deeply I appreciate your words of thoughtfulness and understanding. I welcome you as a new sister friend :D

DzyMsLizzy- Thank you, you are right, what is normal? I think that is a lesson I need to learn, and grasp. I am what I am and my normal may be just a bit different than somebody else's. Thank you for reminding me of that.

You all have made my day with your kind and touching comments. I am in the clouds with happiness.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 5 years ago from Oakley, CA

You are very brave to share such intimate details of your struggles.

I salute you for your courage in attempting normalcy in the face of such trials.

(What is "normal," anyway??--I think the definition is subjective--we each inhabit our own version of "normal.")

Thanks for sharing--voted up!


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

I found a part of me, or what used to be me, in reading your hub. You are not alone. You are never alone. I felt such love for you as I listened to your words. You are a person with integrity - a gift that is to be treasured. I just want to take you in my arms and rock you as I sing to you messages of how beautiful and accepted you are. I am proud of you, proud of what you are. You have courage and a giving soul. You are loved. Forever loved!

Your new friend and soul sister.


Seakay profile image

Seakay 5 years ago from Florida

I have a friend who is bipolar. I hadn't connected with him in years. Found him on Facebook. We chatted back and forth and then he just stopped. Hope he's OK.

Found the drawings very helpful! I wish you all the best. Life is hard enough without added burdens.

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