Captain Obvious's Guide To Sweeteners | OMG HFCS WILL KILL US ALL!

This corn will f*ckin kill you!

Our favorite Impartial, dim, illiterate Observer ™ and Captain Obvious are back again! This time discussing the evils of HFCS.

Everywhere you look nowadays, you'll see righteous greenie types squealing hysterically about the dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup, a substitute for sucrose which is used in many carbonated beverages and other foodstuffs. 90% of these people have never bothered to discover any of the facts surrounding HFCS because they're far too busy throwing themselves into every bandwagon within a five mile radius.

IdiOt: OMG HFCS is a dangerous chemical compound!

Captain Obvious: Well it is a chemical compound, yes. It is comprised of fructose and glucose, much like table sugar which is also comprised of fructose and glucose.

IdiOt: But sugar is natural, HFCS is unnatural!

Captain Obvious: Sugar is extracted from sugar beet and sugar cane by a process of crushing, boiling, refining and a step where chalk is added to it to remove the natural 'impurities'. Natural, raw, unrefined sugar is a sticky brown mass full of bacteria and is unsafe for human consumption.

HFCS is made from corn, which is a naturally grown plant. Corn syrup is 100% glucose, which isn't suitable for human consumption. So the corn syrup is treated with enzymes which convert some of its glucose into fructose. It is then blended with more corn syrup to balance it out and make it either 42.5% fructose and 55% fructose, depending on the type of HFCS being made.

The FDA gave approval for HFCS to be called 'natural' as there are no artificial elements in it whatsoever.

IdiOt: OMG! HFCS Will Kill Us All because it is made from GE corn.

Captain Obvious: Worrying about HFCS being made from GE corn is like worrying that fish have peed in the water that comes out of your tap, except its actually more likely that a fish has peed in your tap water, because irrespective of the fact that the corn used in the production of HFCS is sometimes GE or GM, depending on the term you want to use, what is extracted from it, which is purely the syrup, AKA the glucose, has no genetic material in it whatsoever.

IdiOt: HA! You're stupid, HFCS will make you fat!

Captain Obvious: No, HFCS is calorically equivalent to HFCS, that means if you consume 50 grams of HFCS, you're consuming precisely the same amount of calories as if you consumed 50 grams of sugar. (45 kcal, for those of you playing at home.)

IdiOt: So why am I fat? Huh?! LOL!

Captain Obvious: Yes, you are fat. You know why? Because you've been chowing down like proverbial piggies. It doesn't matter whether or not your soda is sweetened with HFCS or sugar, if you drink five gallons of the stuff every day, you're going to get fat.

Even the American Medical Association agrees, saying:

"After studying current research, the American Medical Association (AMA) today concluded that high fructose syrup does not appear to contribute more to obesity than other caloric sweeteners..."

American Medical Association press release, June 17, 2008

If you're worried about your diet, consume fewer sweeteners. If you don't want to get fat, don't consume more calories than you burn in a day. Weight loss and health are simple issues which have been convoluted in order for people who have no self discipline, poor emotional health and no sense of personal responsibility to pass the buck to other causes.

If you're fat, you ate too much. End of story.

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Comments 2 comments

kerryg profile image

kerryg 7 years ago from USA

I think part of the issue with HFCS is that it's not only used as a sweetener, so it ends up adding empty calories to a whole bunch of things that only the most confirmed sugaraholics would ever put table sugar in.

Yes, people should be more responsible about what they put into their mouths, but it really doesn't help that, for example, the only choices in most stores are $2 a loaf bread with HFCS and $4 a loaf "artisan" bread without. Who puts sugar in whole wheat bread? Only the food companies.

The ideal solution is obviously for people to bake their own bread, but unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world, and it would be nice if it were possible to avoid HFCS without breaking the bank.


Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 7 years ago Author

Hi Kerry, Thanks for your comment, from my experience, baking your own bread is relatively easy, just some flour, water, yeast and a bit of sugar and / or salt... isn't that cheaper than buying bread too?

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