Bipolar Is Not A Romantic Adventure

Always see
Always see

A look at bipolar disorder

Bipolar Disorder is very often a erratic reality. It is also a mood disorder that can be treated with therapy and the right medications. However just when you think you've got it by the tail, it takes you back and you are off on another wild ride. The ride gets wearisome after many ups and downs. It can be extremely fun and exciting sometimes. Especially when your high on life spending a lot of money you should be paying your rent with, you are having sex with people who are absolutely majestic, until you wake up the next morning and wonder who the hell that person is lying next to you, and why are they in your bed.

Those are the times when you can write freely, paint on a canvas full of beauty, draw shapes that impress even a ten year old. The creative energy flows like the ebb tide. It oozes from every pore of your body. Those are the times it is full of generous laughter and life, excitement beyond explainable words. But even that oftentimes becomes too much to bear. Because the ebb becomes astonishing and races so fast it is impossible to keep up.

Then the transition into something far more ugly starts happen. That over-flowing happiness is not exactly what it's cracked up to be. Hating yourself is only the beginning. Irritation, turmoil and fear are right up there with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. The runaway train has left the station. It is best if the weeping ball of anguish you are wrapped in, stays neatly ensconced in bed. Because that is the safest place to be. The bipolar mood swing has begun.

Many moods of bipolar disorder
Many moods of bipolar disorder

Bipolar Is Not A Romantic Adventure

Then the transition into something far more ugly starts happen. That over-flowing happiness is not exactly what it's cracked up to be. Hating yourself is only the beginning. Irritation, turmoil and fear are right up there with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. The runaway train has left the station. It is best if the weeping ball of anguish you are wrapped in, stays neatly ensconced in bed. Because that is the safest place to be. So now all this disintegration of emotion calls for a medication adjustment immediately. As you might guess this gets old and tiresome very quickly.

Try this, try that, again and again, and again.

It begins again. I do not want to do this anymore. I get apathetic to the ever changing shifts in mood. They make me weary, they would make you weary. They haunt me sometimes. The medication does who knows what to my body. I feel like 70 years old. Even when I eat right, exercise and mind my P's and Q's, it invades me like a wild animal with rabies. I get lost in a storm, roaming around waiting for the eye, the eye that never comes quite fast enough.

Bipolar Disorder. That is what they call it. A mental illness that takes control, and rides fast and hard, like a roller coaster speeding high then low. Fast and hard. Like I said, weird and wild beyond anything you can imagine. Beyond your wildest dreams. Dealing with it is never, ever, easy. Never. You always have to be ready, ready for something, you never know what, or even when, emotions run reckless all on their own.

Free, scantily caring who the bullseye is aiming for. I am sorry is never enough. But it is all I have. Today is just one day, and tomorrow is I hope another. I want, I really want to feel normal, like you, normal, stable as they say. Yes normal. What is normal you ask? Well that would be someone without a mental illness. Someone who doesn't take four medications a day so they aren't on the six o'clock news. Someone who doesn't cry when a pin drops. Someone who can reel in their emotions all by themselves. Normal. Just a tiny little bit. No major agonizing over the small stuff. And losing your head over the big stuff. This bipolar mood disorder, is extremely disorderly.

Bipolar

It is not pretty, it is not the latest fad, it is not cool. It definitely is not romantic. What it is, is dark, sometimes bright, but most of all it is chaotic, furious, and unrelenting. And forever exhausting. So the basic nature of someone with bipolar is to find a way to become stable in their chaotic bipolar world. Not the normal world of stable , but stable enough to function as normally as possible without derailing the roller coaster into a crowd of innocent people. So feeling somewhat harried I move onto another day, and hope tomorrow is better than yesterday.

Now if you will excuse me I have medication to take.

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Comments 18 comments

crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi vocalcoach-Gosh thank you for the comments, they are awesome. You definetly boosted my self-esteem today. I took Paxil for awhile but like most antidepressants caused mania, otherwise it helped my ocd symptoms quite well. I am glad to you are doing well. And will be checking your hubpages out as well. :)


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

I am so blessed to have found you here on HP. I have struggled my entire life with this disorder. I was first diagnosed in 1998 with what was then called "border-line" bipolar disorder and given paxil. It has been a God-send. Your discription of bipolar is remarkable. What an outstanding writer you are. What courage! We need you...stay close by. Rated up and awesome.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hey Bohemian rhapsody, thank you for the comment, and taking the time to read my hub. I have had a few breaks, and they were pretty scary to say the least. I have done my best to document my trials with bipolar.

Topamax has worked quite well for me as well. But Seroquel is the drug that saved my life. Without it I could not function in reality as I know it. I am learning to accept whatever normal is, is what I am :)


Bohemian rhapsody profile image

Bohemian rhapsody 6 years ago from New york

Thanks for sharing this article, it reminded me of what I had to go through with with my mother when she had her breaks with reality. They alway came on unexpectedly and like a storm.

I don't know what "normal" is either, I take about 5 pills for my depressive disorder, but the therapy has been constant. By the way I take topamax too. With good results. This is an informative piece.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you gwennies pen, such kind words mean a great deal to me. You are so right about what patients of mental illness use to go through treatment wise years ago. They were stuck in hospitals and medicated. At least now we have a voice and people who care. That makes a huge difference, I am so grateful for people like yourself who reach out and look into the darkness and grasp what it must feel like for those of us diagnosed.

There are a few celebrities that are speaking out on bipolar. Joe Pantoliano has been stamping out stigma with his no kidding me too campaign. I so appreciate your comments in so many ways. They mean a lot:)


gwennies pen 6 years ago

Thanks for sharing this part of you with us, crazybeanrider. Both my sons were diagnosed with quite different mental illnesses, but knowing what they go through and have been through, I can empathize with your pain and frustration. Knowledge is power...you informing us of what you experience helps us understand what you go through and can learn from it. You appear to be very strong character wise, having to deal with so much. Despite the dark tunnel or the feeling perhaps of falling down the rabbit hole you might find yourself in, now there is hope, medication and doctors who know how to help in these situations. I'm glad you have that at least. Unlike in the past when people were just simply put away in assulyms. I admire your courage in sharing this with us. Did you know that the actor Glen Close's sister is bi-polar too? My neighbor is as well, who has a wife and two darling children. Thanks for opening my eyes to what I didn't know about the illness. You are a very gifted writer. :)Keep writing, as it is a great healer in so many ways.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you so much kaltopsyd. That is such endearing comments. Writing is a way for me to sometimes better understand what I am going through. I am happy that what I write helps those without the illness perhaps understand just a little bit better what people go through. I encourage your efforts in child psychiatry, children are sometimes so misunderstood when it comes to mental illness. Thank you so much for reading.


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Your style or writing and the way you describe everyhing is so... awesome (sorry I couldn't think of a better word). You enable people wihout this disorder to understand you so well. I want to be a child psychiatrist so your bipolar hubs are especially useful for me to better understand what I may be working with. More people should read your Hubs so they can understand as well.

I wish you all the best with managing your bipolar. It seems that writing is a good catharis for you - as it is for many others - so keep writing. Thanks for sharing! :)


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi Joy thank you for the sincere and touching comment. I appreciate it very much.


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 6 years ago

i have to say the way you just wrote that hub was unbelievable. Honest, and full of insight, I am sad to hear you have this condition, it must be so difficult, but you are surely a genius when it comes to writing.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you for reading, it it pretty unpleasent but I am learning to live and cope with it on a daily basis. Thanks to many supportive family and friends in my life I am able to write about my experiences with bipolar, that I am fairly stable most of the time. Tank so much for your comment.


stars439 profile image

stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Very interesting read. It seems unpleasant condition. God Bless you.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Lisa- Do you see professionals? Like A psychiatrist or therapist? If not it would be a good time to start. You can write me privately if you need to talk.

schoolgirl-I used lamictal and it worked well for depression and mania. It seemed to be weight neutral as well. No I don't take Lithium anymore, just to many side affects, I however lost weight on it, yes the dry mouth is horrible, be sure to drink a lot of fluids all the time, i was in the bathroom a lot. However if you can get through the side affects it can work pretty good. I know people who tolerate it very well. I take Topamax with great results, it was my last resort before ECT and even stronger medications. Thank you for reading and commenting, anything I can do to help, please write me.

jasper-your welcome, yes it is a struggle everyday. But it can be manageable. Doesn't mean it will ever go away, but there are ways we can take care of ourselves for the better. I use to think it was all about just taking a pill and boom I'd get better, but it is so much more. We have to take our illness into our own hands and manage it. Be upfront with doctors and therapist, friends and family. I wish you success jasper, you can be well in the face of bipolar. Thank for reading and commenting, I appreciate it so much.


jasper420 6 years ago

this sounds just like what i do iam bipolar and still struggle with it today thanks for a great hub


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Thanks, crazybeanrider, that's very nice of you. When I get a chance, I will ask my doc. He's trying me on a new med, lamictal which I hope will help in more ways than one. Are you on Lithium? I don't like that it dries out my mouth and causes weight gain.

Oh! to be thin, and beautiful again!


Lisa 6 years ago

It's like you know me so well. I too want to get off the roller coaster. But somehow, I keep riding. I want to get off now. Please!


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi schoolgirl, Yes it is very possible to have mania's just as you describe. When I feel like that, I am in what my doctor refers to a mixed cycle. You oftentimes feel both mania and depression at the same. Along with anger, rage, and irritability. Just because you don't exhibit the sexual component or overly happy mood, doesn't mean you aren't bipolar. There are different classes of bipolar. You could ask your doctor what class you fall into or research bipolar 1 and 2. The best solution is ask your doctor, that way you know exactly where you fall. I am Bipolar 1/with mixed episodes. So I know what to expect. Feel free to e-mail with any questions, i will be glad to help.


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Hi, this is not me. I don't do spending sprees or have "majestic" sex......not trying to down you, but I AM diagnosed bipolar....I never had these, is it possible to have a moody mania where you're angry and irritalbe? If so, that's me...I wish I was more happy. Or maybe I was misdiagnosed...How will I find out?

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