Codependency Treatment and Help For Co-Dependency

Being Codependent and What it Means

Co-dependency and Co-Dependents - I had no idea what those words meant a few years ago. I knew I had problems within my family but did not understand how my behavior contributed to the family problems...or even made them worse. After almost 3 years of treatment and seeking help for my co-dependency issues, I understand something about myself that had been unknown up until then - that I was an active co-dependent and that I was actively engaging in behaviors that were not only harmful to myself but harmful to others. A rude and painful awakening but a necessary one. I believe that sometimes our lives have to take us to very painful places before we actively start to search within ourselves for answers as to "why are things the way they are" and look for help - searching ourselves to learn about "why those things are the way they are". Taking accountability for our actions and behaviors, and fearlessly searching for not only help but treatment. Answering questions about ourselves as to why we sometimes unknowingly hurt ourselves and those around us.

Before I continue on with my story about my own co-dependent issues, let's look at the definition of co-dependency and what it really means.

We need to love ourselves first before we can lobe anyone else
We need to love ourselves first before we can lobe anyone else | Source

Wiki's Definition of Codependency and Codependence

Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

Being a "Nice" Person is NOT Always the "Nice" Thing To Do!

Without going into details that could possibly harm people I love and people in my family, I can only describe certain things that I have learned about MYSELF in my own personal journey of healing from co-dependent tendencies. I cannot say exact events because of privacy issues but there is enough here that you may be able to fill in the dots and see familiar patterns within your own family or relationships. This story is about my own issues, and how my behaviors have contributed to problems within my own family.

First of all, I have always considered myself a pretty nice person. Pretty easy going with what I thought was a pretty tolerant and "kick-back" attitude. This personality type has always seemed to attract people to me but not always the RIGHT people. I have found in my journey that there are certain type of people that are attracted to co-dependents, and now I understand why certain "types" of people were attracted to me. Being a "motherly" and "nurturing" type has been both a blessing and my undoing at times. I am still learning how to be a good mother but with HEALTHY BOUNDARIES (notice the emphasis on healthy boundaries there - this is a very important part of learning how NOT to be a co-dependent) Co-dependents typically have problems setting boundaries and for me that has definitely been a big issue. Trying to be the "nice guy" is not always the healthy thing to do.


Setting Healthy Boundaries in Codependency

So how did I finally figure out that I had co-dependency issues? Well for me it's been years in the making - I knew that boundaries were a big problem many years ago for me - but did not realize how damaging my behavior was or that I was an "active co-dependent". I only discovered the term and the full meaning of it in a group called Celebrate Recovery which I attend at our home church. OK ...before any of you throw in the towel here and say OK another one of those self-help church groups, please hear me out on this. This is not just a group, this is a step program, for people recovering from many different things - alcohol, drugs, relationship problems, eating disorders, abuse, and co-dependency (which by the way often walks hand in hand with the addictions listed above) Within the safety of my group I discovered that it wasn't just my family that had issues but that I had issues. Wow lo and behold, how could someone nice like me be doing something deliberately bad? (sarcasm there folks)

I came to realize that many of my family problems stemmed from my inability to not only set healthy boundaries but that I was also enabling certain negative behaviors with people I love. How so you say? Well for one example lets talk about the raising of kids. My husband and I used to constantly have arguments about the raising of our children, and it led to me to be a defensive and a sometimes smothering mother (food for thought here - add "s" to the front of mother and what do you get?)

So yes I look back now and realize that in many ways I "smothered" my family and made too many decisions for them, rescuing them from the consequences of their own mistakes. This in itself can be very damaging because not only do children learn that they can "get away with things" but they learn that there is someone there to rescue them when maybe they shouldn't be rescued. Don't get me wrong, there are times that our children truly need help, but especially as they get older we need to examine the ways we are "helping" them and is this helping them be healthy or more dependent on us and irresponsible in the long run?

The Symptoms of a Co-Dependent

Codependence...

Codependence is about unhealthy relationships and personal boundaries. It is about control and personal empowerment. If you are a codependent, it is about trying to be a whole person through someone else. In this case two halves do not make a whole, they make a hole.

You are a codependent if...

  • If you are married to or in a relationship with an alcoholic or addicted person
  • If you feel like you are not "complete" without another person
  • If you are continually rescuing your teen, child, spouse, etc.
  • If you feel responsible for their behaviors, actions, or feelings
  • If you are always taking care of others to the sacrifice of yourself

Poll on Codependency

Do you have issues with Co-Dependency?

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Things I am Doing to Help Myself

So that is just one example of how being codependent has affected our family in a negative way. I am now in the very difficult process of "amputating" someone I love from my life because this is the only way that we can begin to heal our damaged relationship. It's going to be very hard for me- and very painful. I have a long road ahead of me but have lots of support of people around me to talk too and bounce ideas off of. They will help me stay "accountable" and on track with what I need to do to become "healthier" and have better relationships with the people I love. This one person is not the only person that I have had co-dependent issues with but like they say Rome wasn't built in a day. Many years go into the forming of certain behaviors and I understand that it may be a long season of learning for me, but at least I am on the path to healthier relationships, and understanding myself better so I don't make past mistakes a way of the future.

For more on co-dependency I have selected some books from Amazon here that are helpful for people struggling with co-dependency - for people needing help and treatment for co-dependence. There is also a link with the website for Celebrate Recovery (they have these groups all over and you don't have to attend a church to go to a meeting) If a church group is not something you are interested in for dealing with co-dependency there are also online support groups available for codependents and issues surrounding codependency. Counselors can also be helpful ( I have one that I see once every couple months to review my progress in my relationships) For further reading reading related to co-dependency issues you can check out my hub on "tough love", which is directly related to this hub and has more information on "being cruel to be kind" ( I still kind of hate that phrase but it has a ring of truth to it)

Thanks for stopping by, reading and feel free to leave comments. If there is something I can answer/help with or direct you to feel free to email me. God Bless and hope this has helped you in some way.

(Dorsi Diaz is a freelance writer and publisher on the Internet. She is the mother of 3 and grandmother of 3 - married for 21 years. She writes on variety of topics- kids, health,. controversial issues and topics of the day)

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Comments 13 comments

ssaul 5 years ago

nice hub, love reading it


LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 5 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

This is a healthy and well written Hub, thank you Ms Dorsi for a much needed reminder. :0)


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

I think co-dependency is highly UNDER-diagnosed. I came to the self-realization that I am one about a year ago.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Dorsi! Good (if painful) for you for taking steps to heal YOURSELF. This hub will (or should) strike a chord with many, many people. Healthy boundaries, you say? Ha ha. What in the heck are THOSE???

All the best in your journey, my dear Hub Camp buddy!

MM


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 5 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

To use the same term to describe the term is circular... As I read more I understood. Thanks for sharing!


ocbill profile image

ocbill 5 years ago from hopefully somewhere peaceful and nice

great hub. I think the support system is best to have to keep you on the right path. I hope all goes well.


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 5 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area Author

@saull) TY!

@Lilly)Thanks Lilly, I worked on this one for awhile.Very important to me.

@KCC)I agree with you. It'e very undiagnosed. Hope things work out well in your process too.

@ MightyMom) Thanks HubCamp buddy. Luv ya MM.

@dallas93444)YW and thanks for coming by. Yes circular is an appropriate word.

@ocbiil) Thanks. Yes the support system is critical. Picking the right support people is SO IMPORTANT!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

To write this hub must have been a hard job for you as well as a healing one. You have done a wonderful job and it will also help others. Congratulation.


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 5 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area Author

hello,hello) You hit the nail on the head. IT IS both healing and therapeutic as I release my problem and write about it. Thank you so much for your support. Happy Holidays and a New Year hello!


Vibhavari profile image

Vibhavari 5 years ago from India

Hi Dorsi,

I just agree with you whole heartedly when you say

Being a "Nice" Person is NOT Always the "Nice" Thing To Do! Especially to yourself. Sometimes it is better to speak your truth and set yourself free from the "need" to be nice all the time.


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 5 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area Author

Vibhavari) Thanks for the encouragement. I have decided that it's better to be the "door" rather than the "doormat". It is definitely a learning process!


Writing_Wine profile image

Writing_Wine 5 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

A brave article and a positive step. Someone once told me I was codependent and I argued hysterically that I wasn't (all the while knowing I was). It takes a lot of self awareness to deal with this issue. Kudos to you for addressing it here.


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 5 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area Author

@)Writing_Wine) Thank you for the encouraging words. I think codependency is finally coming out of the closet!

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