Confessions of a Baby Mama

Once he found out I had never dated, his “virgin” radar was triggered; and the pursuit was on.

As a proud supporter of the No Wedding No Womb and Black Women Empowerment movements, I am committed to contributing to its message and dedication to improving the lives of Black women, especially Black girls. It is so difficult to speak up and speak out for fear of critical retribution. However, I would be remiss to let another opportunity pass without sharing my personal story. So, this is my confession: The Confession of a Baby Mama.

I met ‘him’ when I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I wasn’t interested in dating. I was a scholar athlete; and all I wanted was to finish high school. My ultimate goal was to go to college; and afterwards, pursue a military career. However, those plans would be delayed.

His name was Jerome. He had already graduated high school. Yet, he was illiterate (that’s another story). He was very handsome, athletic, and quite charming. His cousin, Eugenia, was my nemesis. I can honestly say she despised me to her very core. Why? I don’t know because I was very shy; and stayed to myself. She and I went to the same high school; and played sports. We practiced after school and had to catch public transportation to the transit depot, which was the local mall. That’s where Jerome spotted me. He asked Eugenia about me: if I had a boyfriend, etc. Once he found out I had never dated, his “virgin” radar was triggered; and the pursuit was on.

The Chase is On

From the beginning of my sophomore year to the middle of my junior year, he pursued me with a passion. He always told me how beautiful I was. He told me that I was smarter than any girl he had met. He told me I had the sexiest legs he had ever seen. I resisted for almost two years. I didn’t like him. He was too pushy. But as time passed, he began to wear me down. That’s what they do. Jerome had perfected his charm; and he was determined to have me.

The day “it” happened was just another ordinary day for me. After basketball practice, I caught the bus to the mall. There he was waiting for me like a lion waits for his prey and the right time to pounce. I ignored him and rushed to get inside the mall until my transfer bus arrived. I went into Carl’s Jr. for a burger and soda. He followed me; and sat next to me. He began to tell me a very sad story about how he had been training to get his black belt in Kung Fu and hurt his back. He told me how hard he had worked to reach that level; but now, it was all at risk because of his sore back. I listened because he seemed so sincere. He had my attention.

I finished my food; and realized it was time to catch my next bus. I told Jerome I had to leave; but he asked me to do him a big favor. I insisted I had to go. He said he understood; but said he needed help putting medicine on his back that had been prescribed by the doctor. I asked why he couldn’t get someone else to help; and he stated his roommate wasn’t home; and his parents lived too far. He said he lived just a block from the mall and it wouldn’t take much long. My gut was warning me not to go with him; but I ignored it. I agreed to help him out; but insisted I leave soon after to catch the next bus. He promised to not keep me long.

That little voice was telling me to run like a bat out of hell; but the other voice said, “Keep your promise.” I listened to the wrong voice.

Sirens and Red Flags

Upon arrival to his apartment, my gut feeling was stronger. Yet, I ignored it again. We entered his apartment and there was his roommate, Charles. He greeted me; and left. I was speechless and numb. Jerome lied to me. I should have run out of there because I knew I had made a very bad decision. I could have left; but I didn’t want to break my promise to help Jerome. Plus, he promised it would take just a few minutes. Those types of bad decisions are results from poor self-esteem and predators sense weakness.

Jerome retrieved the medicine for his back. It was Bengay ointment. I felt STUPID! That little voice was telling me to run like a bat out of hell; but the other voice said, “Keep your promise.” I listened to the wrong voice. He had lied but I wasn’t strong enough to leave. After finishing his back rub down, I went to the kitchen to wash my hands. That’s when Jerome walked up behind me and began to kiss my neck. I cringed. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. He began to tell me how beautiful I was, how sexy I was, how he was in love with me. No man had ever told me he loved me let alone told me I was pretty. A small voice inside warned his words weren’t true; but I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to be noticed; and here was my chance. Neither my father nor uncles had warned me about such men. How could they when they were the same as Jerome.

All I knew was I wanted a man in my life that truly cared; and here was a man who cared.

Searching for Pearls Amongst Swine

Jerome asked me if I had ever had sex; and I told him I had not. I told him I didn’t want to have sex because I was too young and wanted to wait until I got married. He told me that he didn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Then, he said the magic words: “I would never hurt you. I really like you and want to be with you for the rest of my life.” All I knew was I wanted a man in my life that truly cared; and here was a man who cared. Although he lied to me, I wanted his words to be true. My fantasy “good, honest, loyal” man had come true. We had sex and it was one of the most horrific experiences I had ever had. Afterward, I cleaned myself up and quickly left to catch the next bus home. All I can say is having sex for the first time an awful and traumatizing experience. I felt dirty. I felt cheap. I felt nasty and thrown away.

I was tired and wasn’t on my best basketball game. I was gaining weight regardless of my strenuous workouts. I was PREGNANT.

It's positive!

I did everything to avoid seeing Jerome again. I would catch the latest bus. I would ask classmates for a ride home: anything to never see him again. I thought I had succeeded. Then, in the middle of my junior year in high school, I began to feel sick. I was tired and wasn’t on my best basketball game. I was gaining weight regardless of my strenuous workouts. I was PREGNANT. I was to become a baby mama at 17. I was devastated. The most disgusting part of my story is Jerome had a girlfriend whom he had been dating since high school. So, I wasn’t special after all. I was just a virgin to be conquered. Touché, Romeo!

You are not your circumstances. You can be a conqueror. You can turn the tide.

Circumstances do not define you

Someday I will share more of my story; but the purpose for me sharing this portion of my life is to let all those young girls out there know there are Black women like me who also fell for the oaky doke, got pregnant, and had a child(ren) to remind us daily of those mistakes. Don’t get me wrong. I love my son deeply. He has had to suffer knowing his sperm donor refused to be a father. My son has had to suffer knowing his sperm donor never bought him a Pamper or a bottle of milk. My son has to live knowing there is a sperm donor out there who is proud to have dumped his seed without accountability. Although I tried to pursue child support, Jerome moved from state-to-state with the help of his parents. So, child support was never to be.

I acknowledge I made poor decisions in this case. I made several more after this case. I will share additional stories in time. However, the good news is the No Wedding No Womb and Black Women Empowerment movements can get you back on track. You are not your circumstances. You can be a conqueror. You can turn the tide. However, none of that can happen until you decide YOU DESERVE BETTER. It took me decades to realize I deserved better; but, it is never too late. I should know.

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Comments 5 comments

feenix profile image

feenix 4 years ago

Hello, Rissa,

You gave an excellent account of one of the biggest turning points in your life.

And I must say that it is quite obvious to me that you are a very strong and resilient person, and a real survivor.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

Hi Rissa, I came up on this as I scrolled down my feed and caught Feenix in the pictures and have elected to bounce around and read from an array of authors instead of just several that I followed and can write so many I can just read them and find it hard to keep up. So in a way he brought me here via his avatar photo.

Glad I stopped in you've written an important essay here on the "Why" of several things, one being that men with daughters need to have their talk with their daughters as well as their mothers talk. Men know better than women, in many cases, just what "deceitful pigs" men can be, either through personal guilt or hearing others brag on "how" they got another notch in their score board. These talks need to be had before their girls have your experience. It is telling in your account, had you a verbal talk about the warning signs that you had the gut feel about, I believe that knowledge coupled with it, you most likely would have fled before reaching what was astutely called "one of the biggest turning points in your life".

You are exactly right, you deserved better and you know that and have chosen to come forth with the message, that will hopefully reach and touch a life in a positive way.

I was shy and backwards with girls and wasn't capable of springing a trap like that, but I knew that the majority of my friends either were or did much locker room lying about it. Once divorced, once widowed, and no children were involved and a sworn bachelor. I still have some to write on this subject that is planned in the outline of a photo-bio I'm working with. I'm going to add you to my rss feed and hope to see you tell your story,

Blessings,

50


rissa62 profile image

rissa62 4 years ago Author

@50 Caliber: Thank you so much for your kind commentary. This is a discussion that must continue until the end of times as our children will continue to suffer if we don't take this more seriously. Today, I came across this haunting quote: "Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us." -- Henrik Tikkanen

I will continue to write about this topic; and I know I am blessed to have touched people such as you. Also, I'll be honored to follow your writings as well. Keep me posted.


toshimi profile image

toshimi 4 years ago from Ohio

Hi Rissa!

I searched "sperm donor" to see if anyone had written about this and I came across your article. Great job. I am new to hubpages and am still reading trying to find something significant to write about. I am working on this! My "sperm donor" story is a little different from yours but similar. I applaud you for sharing your story and I hope this is read by young girls. I have found Rissa that with girls (praise God you had a boy) are hard headed. Been there, done that. I have two boys and am grateful for them that is for sure! I put my parents through such grief and heartaches and never wanted that to come back on me. My mom talked to me, other influential women talked to me. I did not listen. I became a young single mother right after I graduated from high school and my story is a sad one. I am a strong woman and have came a long way that is for sure! You have encouraged me to open up!

Please Rissa, I am not sure how old your son is, but it doesn't matter where Jerome is and how old your son is. File child support, he owes you and your son that much. Whether he is working or not, it will come back to him and someday you will get that money. Do not let him off that easy. Make him pay for his donation! Keep your head held high! You CAN do this!


rissa62 profile image

rissa62 4 years ago Author

@toshimi: Thank you for your words of encouragement and for reading my article. My son will be 32 this year and has his own family. As for his 'sperm donor', I do not know where he lives. I have not seen him since 1981 when he left us. I will consider your recommendation to pursue child support; but finding an attorney who will handle such a case is very limited.

I have moved on and want ti continue to focus on my future. Only time will tell if something will come of this pursuit of past child support. I wish you much success, too.

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