Confessions of a Closet Donut Eater
Two Whole Bags!
I had bought them earlier that day, two bags of those delicious, little, round, powder sugar covered, bites of heaven. My intent was to eat them a little here a little there, but I knew down deep somewhere that that would not be the case.
I had struggled all day with the compulsion to get in the car and go to the store to buy my drug of choice. There are only certain foods that trigger these compulsions I have; chocolate anything and powder covered donuts. All it takes is one bite and it's over; I will eat until it's gone. I can't stop.
I can take a serving out of the container, bag, or wrapper, close it and put it in the cabinet or refrigerator and go to another room to eat my heavenly treat, but I know that there is more. And as long as I know there is more, I cannot get it out of my head. It calls to me, "I'm sweet, I'm mouthwatering, you have to have more, stop fighting the urge, just give in." Unless I physically remove myself or the temptation from my grasp; I just can't ignore the beckoning. Once I am finished with my downward spiral though, there's the guilt, shame and the pain. When I say pain, I mean physical and emotional.
My most recent binge was on a Friday night. My husband and child were out of the house. Earlier that day I had purchased two bags of powdered donuts. I ate both bags, all of them, every last crumb that very evening. I was horrified at myself and then I fell into a spiral of guilt and depression. The worst part of all of this is that I had hidden them in my closet. I didn't want anyone to know I had them.
I have been overweight most of my life. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds. Up and down, up and down, the number on the scale has controlled my life since I was 13 years old. I have determined my worth by that number. I have given up and given in too many times.
I'm currently on a journey of total self-inspection. I am looking to God and inward at myself to determine the cause of these impulses. Why do I eat until I'm sick? Why is it that I want to lose weight so badly, but lack the will power to do it? These are the questions I have to answer before I can become successful at controlling my weight and health in general.
At this present moment in time, I am afraid of the scales. I haven't been near the scales in at least two weeks! Anyone who is a serial dieter will tell you this is a long time to go without weighing. I have a friend that weighs everyday. I weigh once a week, usually on the same day and after I see those numbers, I either feel guilty or hopeful. Like I said, the number on that scale controls me.
One thing I can say, is that I never give up. I start over immediately. I will do really well for a week or two and then I will get that craving and I fall off the wagon. I haven't figured me out yet, but I will. I refuse to give up, I will continue to strive for, not just weight lose, but for better health. I am a work in progress and God definitely isn't finished with me yet.
I wrote this article in 2009. I wish I could say I have it all figured out now, but I don't. I can say that I have gained a little more control and the binges don't come as often.
I'm still on that journey to lose weight and get healthy. I've been up and down of the the past few years, but as I said, I never give up.