Dark Counter-part: the reality of having a mental disorder
I am the darkness
I command you
You have no choices but the ones I give you
Because I control you at will
I will take your family
I will take your friends
And I will make sure that you feel at fault
I will ruin your life
One day at a time
I will push you
I will make sure you do nothing
I will make sure all of your attention goes to me
I will stop you from caring
I will stop you from thinking
I will put feelings into your heart
And thoughts into your head
And I will make sure you think they are your own
You cannot kill me
I live inside you
I will make sure you remember I am here
I will make you question who you are
I will make sure you doubt yourself
And you will feel worthless
If you are a parent I will ruin you
I will tear you down until you have nothing left to give to anyone else
All of your energy will go to me
You will hate yourself
In order to succeed in getting rid of me
You must get rid of yourself
Serious depression, specifically bi-polar disorder/manic depression is something no-one should have to go through alone, although it may appear they want to. It is not difficult to understand if you have an open mind. Your thoughts and feelings are not your own, you know you don't want to feel the way you feel, yet you can't do anything to stop it. This fosters more feelings of weakness and failure only contributing to the downward spiral. You feel bad for your friends and family members, and trapped in your own body unable to escape what you don't want to be. Eventually, if nothing is done, you decide that it is better to cease to exist at all than to exist like this. Nothing is more important during this these times than family and friends.
If you know someone who is afflicted by this please stand by them, as hard as it may get. Check up on them even if they seem like they don't want you to. Encourage them, even if it seems like it's not getting through. Remind them that they are not in this situation because they are weak, but because they have an illness they cannot control. Some people have to take medication every day because their body doesn't produce what it needs to keep the valve on their stomach closed. This is no different, taking medication because the body doesn't produce a chemical you require. Tell them that you are there for them, that you love them no matter what, that this hasn't changed how you feel about them, and that you need them in your life, and need them to fight through this.
bad times it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You
begin to believe it's all a joke, and feel like you can't hold on any
longer. You feel undeserving of even the water you drink let alone the
company you keep. You feel like you are holding everyone back, and truly
believe that everyone would be better off without you, and that you are
selfish for staying and inflicting yourself upon them. You just want to
be free from all of this. You hate who you are so much that you just
don't want to be anymore, because for a reason you can't grasp,
you can't be who you know you have it in you to be. You write note after
note with intent but never follow through, only making you feel worse.
All you want is peace; some way out of this hell; some end to this. Half
the time you feel like you have no movement. It's not that you're
lacking in motivation, or desire, or care... you just, don't move. You
just, don't do things. You just sit, or just lay, and just cry because
you're so lost.Then sometimes you have so much energy coursing through
your body that you couldn't sit still if you were tied to a chair. You
can't stop doing things, you scream and yell, you go into a complete
frenzy and lose track of yourself, and then afterward you just feel more
scared. You can freak out for no reason at random at things that you can't
explain, you have a hard time eating and what little sleep you get, can
be filled with nightmares far beyond what you've ever imagined.
At the worst times you can sit in one spot for hours and not move, knowing what you could be doing, knowing what you should be doing, and knowing even what you want to be doing. But you just don't. You just don't move. You cry at random. Sometimes you cry for a minute, sometimes you cry for hours. Sometimes you have realistic visions of ways you could end this misery. They seem so real. Sometimes you have urges to put an end to it. It's a physical, strong desire that you feel with every muscle and nerve ending in your body. It's all you can think of until it somehow passes. You even start to forget what you used to be like. What is so hard to remember is that it's something you can't control, which is why it's more than a sadness or a long bout of meh, it's a serious illness that makes you wish suicide wasn't a sin.
If you are going through this, you know it. Please know that you're not alone. You're not a burden. The people in your life are there because they love you, and are there to be strong for you and see you through this darkness. Fight, for your life. If there is no-one you know to talk to there are alternatives, including your family doctor or someone at the outpatient. Below are a few resources that can help.
- Helping a Loved One with Bipolar Disorder:
- Bipolar Disorder: An information guide - Help for Families-CAMH
Bipolar Disorder: An information guide - Help for Families
- National Institute of Mental Health Bipolar Disorder
A detailed booklet that describes bipolar disorder symptoms, causes, and treatments, with information on getting help and coping.
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