Dark Counter-part: the reality of having a mental disorder

I am the darkness

I command you

You have no choices but the ones I give you

Because I control you at will

I will take your family

I will take your friends

And I will make sure that you feel at fault

I will ruin your life

One day at a time

I will push you

Starve you

I will make sure you do nothing

Go nowhere

I will make sure all of your attention goes to me

I will stop you from caring

I will stop you from thinking

I will put feelings into your heart

And thoughts into your head

And I will make sure you think they are your own

You cannot kill me

I live inside you

I will make sure you remember I am here

I will make you question who you are

I will make sure you doubt yourself

And you will feel worthless

If you are a parent I will ruin you

I will tear you down until you have nothing left to give to anyone else

All of your energy will go to me

You will hate yourself

In order to succeed in getting rid of me

You must get rid of yourself

.............



Serious depression, specifically bi-polar disorder/manic depression is something no-one should have to go through alone, although it may appear they want to. It is not difficult to understand if you have an open mind. Your thoughts and feelings are not your own, you know you don't want to feel the way you feel, yet you can't do anything to stop it. This fosters more feelings of weakness and failure only contributing to the downward spiral. You feel bad for your friends and family members, and trapped in your own body unable to escape what you don't want to be. Eventually, if nothing is done, you decide that it is better to cease to exist at all than to exist like this. Nothing is more important during this these times than family and friends.


If you know someone who is afflicted by this please stand by them, as hard as it may get. Check up on them even if they seem like they don't want you to. Encourage them, even if it seems like it's not getting through. Remind them that they are not in this situation because they are weak, but because they have an illness they cannot control. Some people have to take medication every day because their body doesn't produce what it needs to keep the valve on their stomach closed. This is no different, taking medication because the body doesn't produce a chemical you require. Tell them that you are there for them, that you love them no matter what, that this hasn't changed how you feel about them, and that you need them in your life, and need them to fight through this.


During bad times it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You begin to believe it's all a joke, and feel like you can't hold on any longer. You feel undeserving of even the water you drink let alone the company you keep. You feel like you are holding everyone back, and truly believe that everyone would be better off without you, and that you are selfish for staying and inflicting yourself upon them. You just want to be free from all of this. You hate who you are so much that you just don't want to be anymore, because for a reason you can't grasp, you can't be who you know you have it in you to be. You write note after note with intent but never follow through, only making you feel worse. All you want is peace; some way out of this hell; some end to this. Half the time you feel like you have no movement. It's not that you're lacking in motivation, or desire, or care... you just, don't move. You just, don't do things. You just sit, or just lay, and just cry because you're so lost.Then sometimes you have so much energy coursing through your body that you couldn't sit still if you were tied to a chair. You can't stop doing things, you scream and yell, you go into a complete frenzy and lose track of yourself, and then afterward you just feel more scared. You can freak out for no reason at random at things that you can't explain, you have a hard time eating and what little sleep you get, can be filled with nightmares far beyond what you've ever imagined.


At the worst times you can sit in one spot for hours and not move, knowing what you could be doing, knowing what you should be doing, and knowing even what you want to be doing. But you just don't. You just don't move. You cry at random. Sometimes you cry for a minute, sometimes you cry for hours. Sometimes you have realistic visions of ways you could end this misery. They seem so real. Sometimes you have urges to put an end to it. It's a physical, strong desire that you feel with every muscle and nerve ending in your body. It's all you can think of until it somehow passes. You even start to forget what you used to be like. What is so hard to remember is that it's something you can't control, which is why it's more than a sadness or a long bout of meh, it's a serious illness that makes you wish suicide wasn't a sin.


If you are going through this, you know it. Please know that you're not alone. You're not a burden. The people in your life are there because they love you, and are there to be strong for you and see you through this darkness. Fight, for your life. If there is no-one you know to talk to there are alternatives, including your family doctor or someone at the outpatient. Below are a few resources that can help.

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Comments 14 comments

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

This poem is very descriptive of how it feels to be bipolar.


L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 6 years ago from Canada Author

Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel, maybe not better, but something, to write about these things.


gg.zaino profile image

gg.zaino 6 years ago from L'America

Ladyface...Bravo for speaking out for us who live with the illness. Anyone who speaks for those who at times, cannot speak for themselves, i will follow.

Wonderful descriptive poetry, of a handicap that need not be with help.

peace my friend ~ greg


L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 6 years ago from Canada Author

Thanks Greg, too often this is kept in the dark by the people who suffer, and kept under the rug by their families. They don't know the damage they're promoting by covering it up and keeping something you can't hide, hidden. It's sad, but if you keep hiding the battle, eventually you'll lose.

Thanks for your compliment. Much peace to you


Sunnyglitter profile image

Sunnyglitter 6 years ago from Cyberspace

I've sat in one spot for hours, so I could really relate to this. :(


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Excellent hub! You have explained depression in such a way that most people that do not understand what depression feels like will now understand if they read your article.


L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 6 years ago from Canada Author

Susan, I would be happy just knowing that my article could enlighten even one person about the darkness of depression.

Thank you for your very kind comment :)


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

You write about this with such depth of feeling and understanding and have done a great job listing helpful resources.

My mother suffers from Bipolar disorder and your description is right on. Her condition has worsened the past few years, complicated by dementia and paranoia (she's now in her 80's) and she lives in an assisted living facility but still requires transfers to a geriatric psych ward sometimes for medication adjustments. Thank you for writing an article that shows people how difficult this disease is for the patient and their family.


L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 5 years ago from Canada Author

Nurse - I write from experience. Bipolar disorder is always difficult. Even while your medication balance is working, there's always the knowledge that one of these days, you'll wake up feeling two steps backward and needing another adjustment. It's nice to hear that your mother is being cared for so thoroughly. Especially tossing dementia and paranoia into the mix, it's very hard in many ways.

Thanks for your comment. My listing of the resources is just in case there is even one person who reads this, who is in desperate need of those numbers. You'd be surprised how hard it can be to get help when you need it most. Especially from family members who aren't able to gain the perspective they need to understand what you're going through.


kittythedreamer profile image

kittythedreamer 5 years ago from the Ether

voted up and BEAUTIFUL from me. :) Thank you for sharing and encouraging those that have to go through bipolar disorder and the family members that have to cope with someone with bipolar disorder. it is very easy to judge the people that have this illness, as it is very difficult for someome without the illness to understand why they act the way they do. it took me years to understand and empathize with my mother, who has rapid cycling bipolar disorder. for years i was angry with her for the way she acted and the things she said, but i realize now that she cannot help these things and that she needs help in order to get stronger and beat the illness. once again, thank you for sharing what it means to have this illness and what it takes to get stronger.


L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 5 years ago from Canada Author

Bless your soul, kittythedreamer, for standing by your mom when she needed you the most. I often try to understand, but in reality can only imagine what it's like to be on the receiving end of all of this, and get an idea from what I see in my husband and best friend. I do not have rapid cycling, but I do know what it is, and must be exhausting at times for both of you. You mom is very lucky to have you. Many hugs to you :)

-L


ladybee 5 years ago

hi there trying to give all those who are going through the disease that there is hope.I ve been a bipolar patient and i have managed to over come the disease by being positive in life and doing all the things am so passionate about eg like,dancing modeling,acting you want to know more will keep in touch i dnt even consider myself as a patient i take my medication and live a normal life.


haikutwinkle profile image

haikutwinkle 5 years ago

Dear Ladyface,

The poem is thought-provoking. Each word rings true and unique from the writer's perspective. People who keep such negativity or sufferings in the dark/under the carpet may lack the strength/depth to handle them effectively (without getting hurt in the process).

I look forward to reading more of your poems. Perhaps they may be your light at the end of a dark tunnel, guiding you out of it.

Kind Regards,

haikutwinkle


pr0phet profile image

pr0phet 5 years ago from South Africa

Thank you for this read. Such an accurate portrayal. Its refreshing to see someone open up about the seriousness of bipolar disorder. Know this, you are far from alone.

~Pr0phet

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