Are You Dating a Sociopath?

Is My Partner a Sociopath?

Sociopaths (also known as psychopaths) live among us. It's an ugly truth. Antisocial personality disorders do not discriminate--young, old, male, female--anyone can become a sociopath.

It may seem difficult to identify a sociopath, especially if he or she happens to be your partner. Nevertheless, there are several steps that you can take to identify the early warning signs of antisocial personality disorder.

10 Ways to Identify a Sociopath

  1. Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
  2. Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviors.
  3. Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
  4. Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the sociopath's way of stimulating himself.
  5. Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
  6. Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
  7. Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people or animals.
  8. Observe the way she blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for her actions. Instead, she blames others, even for acts she obviously committed.
  9. Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
  10. Take a step back. It may be hard to recognize a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.

How to Stop Dating a Sociopath

Advice For the Partner of a Sociopath

  • If you are in an abusive relationship, it's time to stop the violence. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
  • If you suspect a family member or loved one is being abused by a sociopath (physically, emotionally or mentally), encourage the person to leave the situation.
  • Leaving a sociopath is hard but it can be done. If you do not leave the sociopath, your situation will never improve.

More by this Author


Comments 53 comments

frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 7 years ago

Futon - I'm not dating a sociopath. Phew.

Thanks for this - informative ... and slightly scary!

Rated up.


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 7 years ago Author

Very happy to hear you are not dating a sociopath! These relationships are always destructive and toxic. Glad you found the hub informative.


cashmere profile image

cashmere 7 years ago from India

Considering I'm married I will not be dating a sociopath, but interesting to read the symptoms they display.


BeenThere 7 years ago

I've dated a sociopath and it's humiliating and embarrassing. They know when and how to choose their victims; at their most vulnerable moments. As soon as I realized he was a sociopath (after researching many of the traits online) and actually called him a sociopath to his face, that was the last I heard of him. Thank goodness. They don't like it when you find out what they are.


smoke juice 7 years ago

Thankfully I'm out of the dating game, but I worry about my girls dating sociopaths. I just hope they have enough esteem to run (not walk) away from any creep who tries to belittle them. I hate the idea of them compromising their happiness just to have a boyfriend. I'm forwarding this hub to them just in case. Thanks for the great information!


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 7 years ago Author

Thank you for the comments. I didn't know there was a name or label for this type of individual until I started researching the "signs" a few years back. Lying, manipulating, no friends, stealing, no work ethic (mooch), control freak. What a combo!

Smokejuice, your girls are very lucky to have you. I'm glad everyone found this hub useful.


BrianS profile image

BrianS 7 years ago from Castelnaudary, France

Fortunately I am not married to a sociopath and I don't think she is either. Interesting hub.


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

I dated a man who had parts of these characteristics, the lying, and the grandiose sense of self. Thankfully, none of the violence or controlling. The thing he consistently did was lie. And yes, I didn't find out till it was over.

Interesting hub, thanks for sharing.


Icare 7 years ago

I am in a state of disbelief after reading several websites featuring Jeffrey Dahmer, many of which attempt to explain his murderous lifestyle to be the result of an unhappy childhood. Many children suffer childhood illnesses and traumas and come from broken homes, but almost none of these kill and mutilate others for personal pleasure. Jeffrey Dahmer did what he did because he was a sociopath, more prolific in murder and more damaging to society than most, but a sociopath all the same. It is time for Americans to take a hard look at what is happening around them. Sociopathy, also called psychopathy, follows the maternal DNA, and is now present in approximately 1 in 32 Americans, with no decline apparent. Although the overwhelming majority of sociopaths never murder anyone, their negative influence can still be felt in almost every company and in many households in America. I encourage everyone to self-educate by using the internet. Learn the warning signs. Protect yourselves.


negacrowbar profile image

negacrowbar 7 years ago from Inglewood, California

Uhmm what if you are the sociopath? And how many of the above traits do you need to qualify for..is 8 out of 10 bad..;lol

Nice article


jb001 7 years ago

Unfortunately, if you are the sociopath, your most likely response would be public denial and private scorn; public denial to maintain your facade and private scorn because you believe yourself so superior that you laugh at everyone else's pathetic attempts to try to cope with your superiority.


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 7 years ago Author

Yikes! Sorry to hear that Trish.

Icare, you provide great advice to others!

Negacrowbar, thanks for the laugh!

JB001, I agree 100%.


Robb 7 years ago

I was removed at six from the home of two abusive parents, the problem was I remembered the abuse from my father, but had no memory of my mother, to whom naturally I longed for connection. It took 17 years to discover her whereabouts, after much shuffling through the system, and failed attempts at placement resulting in still more abuse, and stagnation of personal growth. There was apparently ample reason why I could not remember her, for her part in the abuse was far worse and sinister than my unpleasant haunting memories of my Late Birth Father.

These people don't change, and don't want to, or see anything wrong with it.

I successively entered into proto-typical abusive relationships with a variety of men who said, all the right things, and believed I had no right to expect fair treatment with my past associated with the system, and thought myself lucky to even get a chance, the problem was, with a significantly lowered and suppressed self-esteem I was ripe for the pickings as it were.

It went from bad, to seemingly un-ending nightmare, with verbal, mental, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse on a nearly daily basis for a few years. I had aspirations for social-working or some field in the mental health community to assist those who would want and work toward healthy goals and living in therapy, but found my own world in turmoil and constant upheaval. I found a million and one different reasons why I was deserving of this treatment, and none to satisfy why I wasn't... This in one instance ended when I became so distraught and desperate to escape the situation I became obsessed with suicide, and deepening anger and confusion about life, or it's merits. That he could do these horrible things to me, and then demand sex, and sleep peacefully next to me as if it were no biggie, and threaten me with death were I to ever fight back, and regale me with stories of inhuman strength and rage at his "former" abusers... I realized, I was becoming inconsolably enraged, and desperate, and had night terrors, and constant anxiety and physical discomfort that grew intolerable. When I realized that I'd rather rot in prison for killing him, than run and have to always look back, I realized enough was enough, I had been ground down, and was little more of what I was, or my hopes and dreams than an animal backed into a corner... I am Six foot two inches tall, and at the beginning of that one relationship whittled down through stress and anxiety from nearly two-hundred pounds of respectable physical stature, to almost 150 lbs... I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror any more, and was constantly listless and without appetite.

Men can go through this too, even when we could easily defend our self against our abusers and put an end to it, once and for all...

But that's just it, these people who do this, don't pick people who are completely helpless, they like a challenge, and they like vulnerable, and they love to see someone who could be great, become nothing.... He was Five foot Nine inches tall and 140 lbs soaking wet... See the irony...?

It doesn't start off as an obvious threat, or offense, it starts of with a powerful relentless seduction, and the honeymoon ain't over until they determine they've got you... He spent a couple years stalking me, and terrorizing me, and harassing my friends and family, to the point I lost most support, if not nearly all I'd ever had. I am still recovering barely from the financial ruin of the relationship, and my Identity has been long since compromised, and manipulated to the point I can't get even an apartment to rent, with ample cash in hand, or a job at McDonald's because of a litany of websites created to further abuse and terrorize. I'm told, it is a civil matter, though multiple Federal offenses were committed to create the financial and Identity related crisis'. To this day, I don't trust, and am fearful that he will outlive me and it will never end, because I left, and he didn't win.

This is what it is like, when you dare stand up for yourself, without becoming like them, refusal to play by their rules becomes a prison of hopelessness and fear that never ends... If I were anything like he used to keep me down as descriptions of myself, or reasons why he did these things, he wouldn't have made it through the first night of abuse... But, they know they are lying, that is not the problem, the problem is they know how to convince you that don't really know yourself, and they are the only ones who do, and you are lucky to have them, because no one else will.


dejavu987 7 years ago

Robb,

You clearly suffered a great deal at the hands of those that were not worthy of your trust at a very young age. I sympathize greatly, and though my background wasn't by comparison nearly as severe as yours I can completely empathize and identify with your experience with this man.

Your description is dead-on about them needing a challenge and vulnerability. It’s required because of the dominant thoughts of superiority. A sociopath banks on your willingness to doubt yourself, even if this starts innocently by you wanting to fight fair, taking responsibility in the relationship etc. They blur the lines of where they end and you begin. The problem is that, in that step, owning actions (for whatever reason) that aren't really yours and making excuses for their behavior is what tells them they've got you. From that point on they're a lot less apt to even TRY to look like they are fighting fair, and the degradation begins! Sociopaths are cowards by nature as they draw the necessary energy needed to maintain their self-created sense of entitlement, from those who they deem at first to be worthy. Soon though, their more fortunate victims catch on early enough to get out, or they wear you down to the depths of desperation. If you know the signs, most sociopaths can’t help but show their colors fairy early on.

Though by all outward appearances these people appear charming, confident, capable and even likable, they are desperate for admiration…..mush like the narcissist. They have to feed their cravings for dominance and the best way to make that happen is by tearing another down. This reminds us of the man who beats his wife and then tells her it’s her fault. If you've broken from joining them in their self aggrandizing behavior and you challenge them, you're a mark and fair game (not that they had standards to begin with, since after all they don’t see any feelings or needs beyond their own). After a while (and this can takes months, years) if he sees that you have abandoned yourself he’ll become contemptuous and disgusted. Now you’ve become his “day old bread” and need to be discarded to make room for another victim whom he deems worthy (and generally believes makes him look good too) and that can also reflect back to him his distorted self image; duping another vulnerable person into thinking that this all knowing man is the only person who will ever love them and she too, just like his last target should feel lucky he chose HER.

How’s that for ironic?

It doesn't end for the sociopath, unless the law catches up with them, and often it does…or they drink themselves into illness and isolation. For those that get out though, trusting another is never the same!

I'm quite sure I'm in a relationship with sociopath number two. Therapy is THE answer….at least for me.

I wish you all the best life has to offer, because chances are good that you do deserve it!


Rebecca 7 years ago

I had a relationship years ago with a guy that had sociopath traits. It was the most frustrating, crazy, fun, hurtful relationship of my life. He had virtually no friends but spoke of the ones he lost, always their fault. I knew someday I would be one of them, but I stayed anyway. Sure enough, a nothing disagreement lead to his departure never to be heard from again.


Disturbia profile image

Disturbia 7 years ago

WOW, based on these behaviors, I've been married to several sociopaths. In fact, I'm like a sociopath magnet. I must have a big sign above my head that says "TARGET" and is only visible to sociopaths.


Zebolia 7 years ago

WARNING: This 'hub'(?) covers a very Serious Subject but the information presented is quite misleading.

What are the prerequisites to author articles here ... other than to have access to a computer? Not much more than that.

First, I do not know this author, nor, until just recently, was I even aware of this Web site. But this is a subject that I've been researching for years, and I was truly stunned when I found this.

The information provided here could put people in danger. This is not a subject to give advice about without extensive knowledge and experience.

What is a concern to me is the high percentage of readers, across the Web, who tend to automatically believe what they read on the Web as being true and reliable information. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into the Black Hole of Gullibility.

After reading this the first time, the very next thing I looked for was the author's credentials. That does not mean the author needs to be a clinical psychologist. Not really, but if not, where's the substantiation? Where's the quantification? What length of experience? Where did this information originate? How many sociopaths has he personally had affect his life? There are no sources or experience listed, whatsoever, that I was able to find.

But I'll share my credentials. I have not been formally trained in medicine (i.e., psychiatry) or psychology. But since my divorce in 1995, coming up on 15 years, I have studied personality disorders as they related to my family. During my marriage of 12 years, my ex did submit to a full psychological evaluation. Ironically, due to medical privacy laws, I was not permitted to review the results.

I knew my ex had issues, but not until after she left, and I was awarded full physical and legal custody of son (in pre-school) and daughter (a toddler) that I happened to find that 20-page psychological evaluation of hers. Within less that an hour, with pulse racing, I had clinical names defining those "issues." Scary enough to realize that the death threat she gave me with a smile, just a few weeks earlier, was something she was very capable of doing.

In early 2003, and I'll need to summarize, a remark from a relative began opening doors, leading straight to the conclusion that I now had to rewrite my own history ... my oldest sister, who terrorized me as a child, proved to me she was a sociopath. And then my younger brother. But what my sister discovered is that I was a threat because I knew too much.

She had teamed up with my ex-wife, and had been undermining me for years, destroying my character all along the way. I have since been turned into the family pariah, as not even my own relatives will reply to my calls, emails ... they reply to nothing. I no longer exist.

Frankly, anyone spending about an hour on the Web, pulling information together about sociopaths, could have written this, with just as many half-truths and misleading information as this has. That's frightening when it is stated with authority.

What this information completely lacks, from beginning-to-end, is the daily evil, malicious reality of a sociopath.

Maybe the author would like to come back and substantiate his claims. First paragraph:

1) "Antisocial personality disorders ..." WRONG. There are many personality disorders. One of them is the Antisocial Personality Disorder — singular, not plural.

2) "... anyone can become a sociopath." WRONG. The term sociopath defines a category of personality disorders. Those disorders are generally considered genetic, as in hereditary. Just like most flaws in our DNA — our wiring — there's always a much bigger chance to acquire any disorder or disease that's already in your family. It's not contagious. I have never heard of an instance where someone went from an honest person of high integrity and morality, to becoming a pathological liar, completely losing their integrity and morality. But maybe you know of someone, and I'll stand corrected if you can produce substantiation.

Just because a sociopath slips-up and becomes exposed, that does not mean they suddenly became a sociopath, but only that it was their first time they slipped up. These are skills they work on for years, honing them, because without their following, they have little power.

I believe it's safe to say that what you have is limited 'book' knowledge that got misinterpreted somewhere, but no 'practical knowledge', and hence, your information is inaccurate to a point that could clearly place someone into real danger.

These people have agendas, and they will allow no one to get in the way.


reeltaulk 7 years ago

Very Good info


nojudgement 6 years ago

I am happily married but previously was married to a man who is a sociopath.

His anger was freightening and without any regard to people around him. These people around us (for example shoppers) would not deter him to undertake humilating abuse on me. He would show no remose or shame that he did it or others heard or saw what he did.

His second wife seeked me out and wanted answers as he had convinced her, as he did me, that we were to blame for his problems.

My advice (I am not a professional) to her and anyone else dating or married to a sociopath is get professional help, support of your family and / or the police, then leave safetly. Leaving safetly means before you are isolated and mental affected by the abuse. You need support and enough emotional energy to cope with everything. You will NEVER change them. This is the most important aspect to remember. They can identify their own issues and work on them but you can not help AT ALL with their process.

To those of you who are reading and are a sociopath - I can only image a world where you are unable to connect in a way most humans view as a right of passage.

A lot more work needs to happen to protect all involved starting with educating people with the right information. Mine is merely a personal perspective.


tanya 6 years ago

hi i have been dating a sociopath for just over a year now i just found out he was 2 weeks ago his ex told me and i am such a bad situation hes abused me to the point where i almost ended up dead he still comtinues to abuse me im actually leaving tomorrow i have been through and lost soo much being with him and now that i no he will never chanmge i have to stay away but its so hard to no how much u can love somebody and they dont lobve youback wow


sociopath 6 years ago

as a sociopath i feel like a zombie that is getting quarantined like i do not belong i don't choose to be one i just am one i don't murder or do horrible horrible things like kill people or use people(well barely) but not in a bad way like for money i have no cure for my problem im just gonna die alone sure may get a job and live one my own and do alright but i will always show almost never feel real emotions i am so can every kicks around u have fun with me for few seconds and then your done people barely see what we go through well maybe the ones that know we are a sociopath i discovered i am sociopath threw ways that would make NORMAL PERSON cry there self to sleep and sometimes i do like pity it lets me know that people care so to all of you who think we are nothing human i have nothing to say to you.


bipolar2path 6 years ago

To Sociopath (of 8 weeks ago as of July 7th)

I am sorry for all you have to deal with internally and externally I seem to connect with those that are considered or are sociopaths. I think part of it is because it let's my and my emotions off the hook. It may sound wrong or slightly off, but it is what I'm realizing about myself -I still have a lot to discover. I often like to give attention to those that others are disregarding...it even used to happen in middle school lunch with the ostracized friend at the lunch table. Everybody needs a friend. I once feared being unable to love (is that really something you have to deal with?) but then I realized how much I still care for my nieces and nephews and others in my family. After going through some insane ups and downs with bipolar disorder and meds I was really afraid I'd never love another or myself. Sometimes I still doubt it. I think that is why I'm comfortable dating this guy that I don't fully trust. I knew him in college 6 years ago...and I won't bore you with the details, but we ended up together only recently. He said he is most comfortable with me. I don't know if this will be long term or not. I also don't know if I should ever let him know that I think this about him. Maybe I should not bring it up specifically, but a few issues here and there over time so he hopefully doesn't get too comfortable and devalues me to the point of me wanting to disregard him. 2 things Sociopath- 1 How do you feel about someone caring for/loving you and 2 Do you think this is something I should discuss with him or just be cautious about to protect my own self and sanity. I wouldn't mind comments from anybody. Thanks for your time.


Tara  6 years ago

I love all the comments at the end. great info. nope I guess I am not dating a Sociopath, however he does have many trits the same as a Sociopath, the only different is that he is with his friends all the time. I am going to stop wasting my energy trying to find something wrong with him and just know that I deserve better and I am not going to take his shit any more! I wish everyone who is dealing with a Sociopath the best of luck and I hope you are strong enough to get out!! no more wasted time!


SoulMan 6 years ago

This was a little too late for me; i spent 10 years with a sociopath. In the end i was stripped of my self-image, self-esteem, and confidence, basically felt my soul was completely sucked out. I was emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually drained. This is the reason she left me, they don't like people that basically end up sleeping most of the time and that can barely function.

I never thought in a million years it was my partner doing it to me. My mind was also foggy and was for quite some time. After being with this person and rebuilding my life slowly but surely. You'd be amazed that there are a lot more sociopaths then you think. It’s almost like you get an ability to see through people (after knowing them for a while) and you can basically spot one easily. Its destroyed my faith in humans and my trust will take some time to get back. It’s been just over a year since the split and I’m still rebuilding myself.

This person also tries to keep contact whenever she can. She is with a new person and was in fact cheating on me with this person before splitting with me. We were just starting to build a house together when it happened. I feel pity for her and her new victim. I just hope he has the emotional maturity to see what i didn't. We got together young, i was 17.

Only advice i have is if you're in a relationship. Think back to how you felt before the relationship. If you're not happy now and you were before. You may be with one, a partner should inhance your life, not destroy it. This is a lesson i will never forget and i will never be in this kind of relationship again. They do the damage over time and very slowly. So it kinda creeps up on you.


yaycheesecake 6 years ago

I was just dating a sociopath. It is not fun. Most of the tall tell sings were there. I chose to ignore them. I learned my lesson the hard way...but a lesson learned hard is a lesson well learned.


kimmy30 5 years ago

When someone hears the words psychopath or sociopath they automatically start thinking of some awful, derange, serial killer. That might have been true years ago, however the difference in the two have finally been

revealed. Before understanding the two personality disorders, you first must understand what exactly each disorder consists of.

A sociopath is one who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior. A psychopath is a person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse. The two might sound the same to some, however the differences between sociopaths and psychopaths are very real.

David Lykken a behavioral geneticist for the University of Minnesota has come to an interesting conclusion regarding the differences between sociopaths and psychopaths. Lykken studies revealed that psychopaths are born with temperamental differences that lead them to being risk seekers, impulsive, fearless as well as not being able to socialize normally. Sociopaths have normal temperaments, and their personality disorder tends to effect their lives regarding parenting, peers, and their intelligence.

Sociopaths can be anyone from your mother, father, best friend, neighbor or even your co-worker, and you would not even realize that they are dealing with this disorder that affects everything in their daily life. Sociopaths go above and beyond themselves to make sure that other people around them have no idea that their life is something other than what it is. More than likely you have met one or two sociopaths in your life and not even realize it.

Psychopaths on the other hand are very flamboyant with how they deal with their disorder. Some famous psychopaths that you might know about are Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez, Theodore Bundy and David Berkowitz. These four men are famous for being some of the most notorious and manipulative serial killers in history. Not all psychopaths are as out there as these four men, however their rage is almost always as intense, it just depends on how they channel it.

Characteristics of a sociopath are as followed :

1. Sociopaths are very charming.

2. Sociopaths can be extremely manipulative and will try to con you whenever possible.

3. Sociopaths feel that they are entitled to everything.

4. Sociopaths

will lie continuously to get what they want. They can even sometimes manipulate a lie detector.

5. Sociopaths have no remorse, shame or guilt.

6. Sociopaths will show love and happiness only when it serves their purpose. None of the feelings are genuine.

7. Sociopaths have no room for love in their life.

8. Sociopaths need to have excitement in their lives or live on the edge.

9. Sociopaths have lack of empathy hen their victims suffer pain that they have caused.

10. Sociopaths believe that they are all mightier than tho, there is no concern on how their behavior impacts others.

11. Sociopaths usually have a long history of juvenile delinquency as well as behavior problems.

12. Sociopaths will never take blame for anything they have done to anyone no matter if it is family or friend.

13. Sociopaths have many sexual partners and tend to act out many sexual acts.

14. Sociopaths rarely stay in one place for a long time (home/work).

15. Sociopaths will change themselves if they know it will keep them from being found out.

Characteristics of a psychopath are as followed:

1. Psychopaths use superficial charm to lure their victims.

2. Psychopaths are extremely self-centered.

3. Psychopaths must always do something to keep themselves from boredom.

4. Psychopaths are very deceptive and tend to lie continuously.

5. Psychopaths show no remorse of guilt towards their victims.

6. Psychopaths are very predatory and usually will live off other people.

7. Psychopaths have many sexual partners in their lifetime.

8. Psychopaths are very impulsive with their lifestyle.

9. Psychopaths are always blaming other people for their actions.

10. Psychopaths never have a realistic view of their lives. (king of the world or from another planet)

11. Psychopaths always want psychological gratification in sexual and criminal activities.

12. Psychopaths tend to try suicide, rarely succeeding.

If you are interested in learning more about the difference of psychopaths and sociopaths I would definitely recommend you reading two specific books. The first book is Violent Attachments by J. Reid Meloy. The second

book I recommend reading is The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. Both books will bring you into the minds of both personality disorders which will allow you to understand even greater the difference in the two.

Source : What is a Psychopath - http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath_2....

Source : Pschyopath - http://www.wikipedia.com

Source : Sociopath - http://www.wikipedia.com


Jane 5 years ago

I was married to a sociopath for 23 years. He had all these symptoms, but none of them were extreme which made it hard for me to really put a name to his behavior; however, I spent almost all 23 years of my marriage in a cloud of confusion and even despair. Unfortunately, it wasn't until about 6 months after my separation from him did I happen to learn about the sociopathic mind and was able to more fully understand what was behind my ex's behavior. Knowing that he is a broken human being enabled me to forgive him and move on.

Also, I read the book, "The Sociopath Next Door" and found it right on the mark.


Trudy 5 years ago

I was married to a sociopath for 20 grueling years. I still carry the emotional scars of that relationship that to this day blocks future relationships. I was the challenge or prize he sought so desperately to match his narcisisim. It finally ended when i said, "From this point forward i will believe nothing that comes out of your mouth. What comes out of your mouth will be considered a lie until proven otherwise and i will not be interested in proving otherwise." That really set him back a pace! I no longer avoided making him angry - oh well. I told myself when ever he was having an adult tantrum i was doing something right. I was done being the peace maker. I was on a journey to get my sanity and dignity back. I lived with a monster but the world loved him. He was charming, witty, exciting, and made a six-figure income. Now what is not to like about that? Everything !! There was nothing genuine or authentic about this man. There was no meeting of the mind or heart. I can only pity him. He knows exactly who, what and why he is and chooses that lifestyle. He prides himself on all the listed above characteristics because people that aren't like that he considers weak or pathetic. He is now unemployed for the past 4 years, still drinking heavily and obese. What ever disorder or tag you give these individuals they do fall and fall hard alone. He is looking for pity...look out!

What do you tell the children of a sociopath? Young adults?


Sean  5 years ago

I have been dating a sociopath for 7 months and she has completely destroyed me, because I didn't listen to my parents. and I wasted most of Junior year with this just turned 16 year old girl. and now she is leaving messages everywhere and texting my mom horrible things and leaving me voicemails and on the house phone. And I want it to stop. I cant stop thinking about her....I know now that she nevert did really love me and it hurts...and i wish she could actually feel the same. Hopefully this hotline will help me forget about her


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 5 years ago Author

Thank you all for sharing your stories and comments.

Sean: She's leaving you messages and texting your mom to make sure she's in your thoughts. It's her last attempt to control and hurt you. It's hard to stop thinking about someone if she uses every method to get your attention. Ignore the messages and texts. She'll move on to another victim. You're young and you deserve to be happy. Just remember all the warning signs so you can identify someone like this in the future. Time will heal the wounds.


Sean 5 years ago

Thank you very much futonfraggle, until she settles down, and even after, im I just supposed to not ever contact her again?and do you think she will ever understand that I did care and will always care about her. even if she continues this path?


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 5 years ago Author

Hi, Sean. Carefully reread over your first post. I think you've answered your own questions. You want it to stop; she destroyed you; she hurt you.

You have two paths laid out in front of you, and only you can choose which direction you want to take. Do you want to allow yourself to continue to feel this way? Do you want to be a victim? Presumably, you're happy with who you are and you don't plan to change. And why should you? You're fine! But this girl knows how you operate; she knows which buttons to push to hurt you. This isn't something she's going to forget, and she won't change, because as long as she can push those buttons, she has a way of controlling and manipulating you (and your family).

If she truly is a sociopath, she will continue down this path. Sociopaths only want to please themselves. Unfortunately, that pleasure usually comes from controlling/hurting others because it makes them feel more powerful. They need professional help to learn how to recognize and change their behavior. Be thankful you found out what she's all about at this point in the game.

I'm curious, though, if you wish to share, what qualities did you love about this girl? Did her good qualities outweigh all of the negative things? I ask this because I've learned, from experience with people who exhibit these behaviors, that they take great interest in everything you do. They make you feel like the center of their world. But they do this to establish your trust. And once you let them in, all hell breaks loose. It's difficult to believe that someone, who seemed so in love with you, would even consider hurting you. But that's how sociopaths work; they reel us in and we take the bait. So, are you in love with a memory of her "representative," or are you in love with the person she revealed herself to be?


Sean 5 years ago

Well ive now learned that she wants to erase me from her life.and that she has a new boyfriend and is happier than ever. This girl...she ment everything to me I loved the way she wrote notes to me about what she was thinking and telling that she loved me and other random anecdotes..she played the harp, so beautifully, she made me laugh and smile like no one else did, she'd send me weird pics of her being funny.......and I also engaged in my first sexual experience with her, it was not intercourse....but i got emotionally and physically attached to her without even knowing it. The when she acted negative I told her not to be acting like that...she would get angry at me when I told her i didn't believe something she said. there so many other bad things that happened between me and her, but it would take to long to say.but back in December i was getting annoyed with her negativity, and lashing out at my friends on facebook, so I broke up with her for merely a week...and she said that she wanted to make me happy and that she would do anything for me not to leave...so I told her what she needed to stop doing...and she did try, at least thats what it seemed like, and she actually started listening to musicals, and started to appreciate my art form....But my parents found out from my younger sibling that i had that sexual experience with her and thats when things started getting crazy. they forbade me from seeing her, however I lied about where i was going and actually instead went out to see her, and then my parents found out i was lying and sneaking to see her, so i broken all trust with my parents. however her and I continued to text and call each other, again my parents found out, then they took away my phone and then this is when she started ranting and raving and saying all these horrid things. And when My parents who both have MD degrees had told me that she was a sociopath.....i didn't want to believe it at first, but then realized that she was and when I called her saying I couldn't live in lies like this anymore to say it was over she'd say to me "You would, you f***ing would, its cuz im not worth it!", and then she would imitate me saying I cant do this anymore. and she threatened me that she would continue to rant and rave and that she would make me regret, and so I would say that I still loved her and that i was trying to say we should take a brake and she said no, so i told her i wasn't breaking up. I was scared of what she would do because I still wanted to be friends and she said if I did break up she would treat me like her ex. whom she rarely talks to. But to answer your question...im still attached and I dont know how to let go....i think im in love with the memory of her "representative", so are you talking about the way she pretended to be, and i dont understand what you mean by the second choice.


The fool 5 years ago

I was involved with a married man. I too was also married. I am not writing this for sympathy for I know that the mistake I made was mine. But what I do hope this entry will do is educate and possible help anyone who is involved with a Socio/Psychopath. I am what I would describe as fairly normal human being. I work, married, kids, friends, family. Love adventure etc etc. I did however come from a broken, alcholic home and manytimes felt so alone and scared. So I have weaknesses. I met a man who turned my life so upside down and inside out I didn't know if I was the crazy one or him. Thank god for the inner strength I do have. He started off with being such a real sweetheart, always offering to help me with things at work. Little chocolates on my desk from time to time. Compliments and flirting. Then the emails started slowly baiting me. I was swept away by the excitement of it. What person doesn't like being the object of desire and attention and affection? So needless to say the affair started. That was 4 years ago..."4" years that I wasted. 4 years of energy I chose to focus on him and not my family and friends. Stupid doesn't even describe. All along knowing what I did was wrong. 4 years of mental abuse I subjected myself to. It was 2 weeks ago that I ended the relationship so I am still trying to sort out the feelings, hurt, the guilt, and so many emotions. He is a drug dealer and drug user,involved in gangs, liar, manipulator, and a permiscuous creepy pervert. I found out that he was still in contact with a former lover. Found out that he was having sex with hookers. And god only knows how many others. Deep down i knew long ago that something wasn't right. I did on occasion confront him on it and I was the one who ended up feeling like the fool. He would say things like "your paranoid", "you worry too much" "why would I do that when I have you", "your crazy", "when would I have time", or many times would laugh. etc etc. And with me being deserted at a young age by my father, I guess I learned that all men cant be trusted. So I second guessed myself, thinking, he is right. Its hard for me to trust and maybe I am overreating. Listen ladies, and men, ALWAYS trust your instincts. When we would meet the sex was always amazing. He was loving and kind and would take me out to wonderful places. We had holidays and adventures. Then there were days when he wouldent answer my texts or calls. When he did it was short and rude. He wouldent tell me of his whereabouts because he was "busy" with his "business". Business meaning drugs. I grew up around drugs, had taken drugs when I was younger but stopped it when I left highschool pretty much. And so his drug activity didn't really scare me. Anyway, I am sure lot of his "absences" could have been explained, but would later find out that a lot of them, he was with other women. Finally the "hooker" thing woke me up...with a slap to my face. I sent him an email stating that I knew and had to end the relationship because of it. Told him how much that I loved him and how much he meant to me but couldent be involved anymore with him. I never got a reply. Not even a word. Not a sorry I hurt you. I will miss you. Kiss my A$$. Nothing. I meant nothing to him. I found out his game, found out what he was and I am wiped off his page like I never existed. He is a Psychopath.


Mike 5 years ago

I was once engaged to a celebrity figure (Venesa Talor) who shows all the telltale signs of a sociopath. When we started dating, she had some money problems. I took pity upon her and helped her with some bills. My help eventually became complete support. Looking back now, I think the entire engagement was probably phony and only a means to extract money from me. When you believe that you’re going to actually marry someone, you don’t hesitate to help them because you have a vested interest in his or her future. The problem is that Venesa has no interest in settling down with anybody. Come on, a beautiful, former porn star who has never been married at 41? That should have been my first red flag. When she realized that she was in too deep, she decided to end her engagement facade, but not before racking up an extra $1000 worth of unauthorized charges to my credit card only hours before breaking it off with me.


sparkster profile image

sparkster 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Thanks for the hub.

Mike, in relation to your comment it does seem that the porn industry has been taken over by socipathic women which, thinking on it, seems inevitable.

The people at the top of pornography companies are often women who use their beauty, promiscuity and sense of misplaced power to dominate the masses for money.

Just take a look at the way the porn industry is heading, it's the women who are the stars and the majority of it is girl-on-girl.

I find this interesting because of the research and studies, which I've just written about in a hub entitled 'The Sociopath Next Door', that clearly show that 70% of single-partner (non-reciprocal) abuse is committed by women, they are usually the ones who strike 1st.

In addition lesbian relationships have higher amounts of domestic abuse/violence that heterosexual relationships.


Franklin Wite 5 years ago

I dated a sociopath back in the spring and it took going to a therapist to figure out what happened (and why!). Shortly after meeting my ex, Gina, she quickly became the perfect woman in my eyes. She was caring, attentive, smart, funny - not to mention sexy and a great lover. She had a 3 year old daughter and I told her I would be willing to help raise her and be a father to her. One night, she told me her mother was just diagnosed with a brain tumor and she was going to have to work as a stripper to raise the money to pay for her operation! I could not imagine dating a stripper but told her I did not want to stop her from saving her mother's life. I didn't want her resenting me if her mother should die. She cried and begged me not to leave her but I could not see myself dating a stripper under any circumstances. I put her in a cab to her place in Brooklyn after a long night of tears and pleading. A friend was eating in a restaurant (window seat) one block away from my home that same night and saw her get out of a cab, crying. He told me she made a call on her cellphone and some older guy pulled up in a car about 15 minutes later, got out and kissed her, and drove off with her! I never saw her again and she blocked my cellphone number when I reached out to her a few days later. Sociopath? Scam Artist? Both? Perhaps. I just feel lucky that I only spent 3 months with her and that I didn't get taken for any large sum of money!


sociopathsex 5 years ago

I was married to a sociopath. He did the same thing to his ex wife and ex girlfriend. They are so afraid they won't testify for me. Now we share custody because our court system cannot see him for what he is. I was manipulated, lied to, physically, emotionally, and financially abused. What of my child? What will happen to him?


Ultravixen 4 years ago

Very helpful list. I think I'm dating a sociopath. He tried to convince me I was too, and we were perfect for each other, and we'd rule the world on Friday night. I felt nauseous. We had an open relationship, he cheated. He was promiscuous, isolates me from friends, doesn't need privacy so resents it when I take it, never can be pinned down and admit guilt, denies everything, changes the story to be right at all times, and has an invasive way of sliding into every aspect of my life. I feel like I'm carrying a huge burden every day.


Scared need help 4 years ago

I fear the guy I married is a sociopath. I am 18 he is 33. My parents signed me away to him when I was 17. Ive grown to love him so so much, more than anything, but I am afraid. He doesn't hit me all the time but it keeps happening even though he says it will stop. Sometimes I think he might kill me. I know if he isn't a sociopath that we can work through this but I am hoping its just been the situation. He always apologizes and he says he loves me and we have plans and stuff for our future. Im just really scared I actually want proof that he isn't a sociopath so I can know that things will get better. I dont know what to do.


Hitori 4 years ago

This post really troubles me, eaven if it's a good guide it has a few flaws in it, namely that it perfectly describes a sociopath but does nothing to firmly state when a person can be regarded as one, does 1 or all of the criteria have to be fullfilled to apply?

When reading this it occurred to me that this may be a part reason to why i have no girlfriend. You see i am a male person age 28 with Aspergers syndrome, i almost never lie and yet almost no-one believes me, i try my best in all i do and ppl thinks im a showoff, i like to get some attention so i often point/reffer to myselfe (but then again why should i not try to, seeing how i never gotten any attention from anyone at all including my parents), i like to have at least something beeing stable in my life and to know my position, so i sometimes ask abouth it (sounds like a dominating control freak, eaven if it's natural behaviour), im quite large built and wery strong (so ppl think i physically abuse and injure ppl all the time just because i can, eaven tho i have never done it since the first time i tried doing it and hated it, around 17 years ago), ofc i can't eaven begin to imagine a person around me that does not imagine bad things abouth me (i got sutch a horrid reputation abouth me despite trying my best to do good things towards others), i stopped trying to make "instant friends with ppl i meet" because i have so far not had a "so called friend" that has not screwed me ower or made me feel like i want to stay alive (they never acted like a friend towards me, so it was one sided eaven if they said they wanted to be my friend), i used to blame myselfe for my situation until i realiced by a un-likely event in my life (someone actually gave a damn abouth me) made me realice that i had been insane for ower 10 years without eaven psychologists noteing it (from lonelyness and social brainwashing), i also never give promices that i don't keep (so it almost never happens that i promice anything), i have often wondered if my life would be any better if i was to become a sociopath (or simmular), i sure did pick un-realistic goals in my life, i wanted to get a good education with good grades (so far i have 3 failed schools behind me due to alot of ppl bulleing and harazzing me), i wanted work so i can pay for myselfe (still un-employed after several years and also got heavy injuries), and ofc i wanted at least 1 girlfriend in my life (so far all i have gotten is 1 blind date that lasted for 5 min, feels like someone played a prank on me), after all the bad things that have happened to me (most of it for no good reason) i have started to wonder if i am eaven capable of loveing a woman at all anymore (a slized, diced and smached heart can't beat eaven for itselfe eaven less for others), so ofc ppl will likely think im a sociopath eaven if it's not true, but eaven if it was true does it eaven matter seeing how hopeless my situation is (does not feel like im getting married this millennium at least)?

I guess im one of the few ppl in the world that will have to take a mayor hitt so that others can be more happy in life than they already are when compared to some ppl like me.

So why post all this?

Well i got a good idea, why not try "the ultimate test",

try break the abuse cycle by managing the symptoms, try make the person less of a psychopath while you officially steer him with simmular treatment that you got from him (have him taste he's own treatment a bit), if he learns from he's mistakes and try redeem/change he's behaviour, instead of adapting (for example if he try lieing less to you it's GOOD, if he make the lies less likely to be noticed/descovered and maybe add more of them then it's BAD adaptation), if you liked the guy enough to date him then why not try help him instead of just dumping him right off (don't become a sociopath yourselfe just to make it better for yourselfe), and if it is not possible to make him a better person, then your eather not trying hard enough, or it actually is not possible to do (at least not for you), then your better off breaking the relationship.

One thing i have noticed tho, and that is that alot of ppl in this world is the definition of insanity (around 70-90%), this simply mean that ppl don't care to change at all because they think ewerything they do is perfection itselfe, one example is that the boss comes to speak to the workers abouth a manufacturing issue that has become apparent during the installation of the product, and he asks that they try figure out a solution for it, so one of the workers try analyzing the rejected products for faults, and finds at least 1 solid problem that is caused in part by the workers low quallity attitude and in part by the tools used, and a second problem that exist with a machine beeing used, he explains the first issue and proposes a possible solution for the second machine problem as he try explain why it is a problem, sadly since the first problem is obviously caused by the staff it can't be fixed (the staff is insane thinking that not doing the work propperly will fix the first issue), but eaven if the second problem can be fixed the fix will require a new routine beeing done by the staff (use of a new tool), but because the staff can't see apparent problems from using the machine the old way they discard the new tools and go by the definition of insanity "they do the same thing ower and ower again and expect a different result than before", and by doing so leave the problem still existant and possibly in the end driving the company in bancrupcy because the buyers did no longer want defective products (and a company that don't listen to problems and don't act on solving them).

So what's the point of this little story?

Well if the person with a mental condition cannot be made aware of it then it might be impossible to really cure/treat it.

If you tell a person to "go to hell" you really should tell him/her why!

Otherwise your just beeing counter manipulative and abuseing as well.

Sadly there exist no cure for me, it is like beeing black, eaven if Michael Jackson changed color (and he actually did lol) he'd still be black and he's children would be black just like any other black man (but does that actually matter at all, since we all human beeings), the interesting thing is tho, that eaven if im vastly different to most ppl (including psychopaths), it would be possible for me to live a deacently normal-like life, but because most ppl don't accept ppl that are different (minority groups), well, my life is a hellhole because of what others have done (i been treated worce than most psychopaths and murderers gotten, no wonder im depressed).


Lola 4 years ago

I was in a relationship with a sociopath for five years we have a child together he left without warning for someone else and went on to ruin her life. I made such progress in getting on with my life without any contact with him but unfortunately he has tried to windle his way back in and I am finding it difficult as I'm still in the feeling hopeless phase. He has been back in my life for a week and all my hard work moving forward has been undone and I'm back to square one. Very damaging people.


Courtney 4 years ago

My bf/ex boyfriend (we continuously get make up and breakup) is a sociopath. I must have some type of disorder for staying this long. It's been over a year. He lies, cheats, tells the truth then takes back the truth with more lies. He steals. He is a criminal. He constantly promises things and hardly delivers. he has several women in different cities but I try to convince myself that I'm special. he tells me I'm ugly one day and the next I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. He just chased me with a track spike. Because I kicked him out of my car. he needs help and so do I. I want to leave but he had manipulated me into thinking he is the right guy for me and that we are going to get married. I constantly stalk his twitter to see if he is lying. It's completely ridiculous. I don't know how to stop. If you are dating a guy and he is lying and manipulative in the beginning LEAVE!!!!! No matter how lonely you are. And I don't mention that I'm very beautiful. I model and I'm I'm the process of becoming a news anchor. It can happen to anyone. Avoid this!!


Mary 4 years ago

I had a two month relationship with one. I think he chose me because I am very sensitive, sweet, and giving. I also admit I am emotionally unstable, but not at all in this way. When I broke up with him after 2 months, he broke in my house and hung my dog, who I loved very much. Beware of these people. I should have trusted my instincts sooner.


Kathy 4 years ago

I was married to a psychopath for 6 years. He told the most enormous lies. I thought they were true. He took me for every cent I had and left me $72,000 in debt for another women. He will do the same thing to her! I know that I cannot help her! I wish I could! His son is now 13 years old and is a total mess! Again, I can no longer help him, as he is not allowed to speak to me. How I wish I would have known what a psychopath was all those years ago!


glyss 4 years ago

I was in as realtionship and living with a sociopath for 2 years... my weakness his 4 year old son... his gain everything I had... I was his puppet. I feel now I was trained like a dog... constantly waiting for the 'reward' he promised if I did this and that... blamed me for his sexual affairs (with nonethe less one of them was my cousin)


audrey 4 years ago

I dated a sociopath. he is everything you mentioned, and probably more. controlling, manipulative, always played the victim card and I was the one who was always wrong somehow. thank goodness we ended it, I'm so glad I'm finally free of it.


Olivia 4 years ago

I was with my ex-psychopath for about two years on and off. Now I'm about two weeks out and life feels real again, it felt like I was living in a cave with a wolf dressed as a sheep (dim lighting). It was a long process of realization, but I eventually saw I was being used. I knew it the whole time, from the beginning, even our first hang out/date I scolded him for using me. Its just hard to except that someone would be so heartless while appearing so loving (sometimes). I see now that I was the one being groomed while he eased out of his old relationship by destroying her. I had pretty low self esteem two years ago, even though I was a skeptic.

He'd be so sweet and romantic when I was buying into his lies, but if I found one out and confronted him, it was me who got punished...He threw rocks at my head... He broke his windshield because he got mad at me and tried to scare me and then blamed me for it and used his mistake to get more abusive towards me. He barely missed my face when he threw high heels at my face, when I told him what could have happened if he missed, he excused himself by saying he was in little league baseball, wtf... He pushed me down stairs, dragged me by my hair, bit me, twisted my arms, choked me (his favorite) with his hands and a rope... slammed my head against the wall, smacked me with a frying pan, spit on me, kicked me and still was proud for never punching me in the face even though he did a couple times "accidentally"... Amazing... Our whole relationship I never had a healed physical wound.

When it ended, I left no room for passion, I just told him I didn't trust him because he is insincere and superficial and I didn't want to be with someone like him (he was also telling me he thought he was gay and thought he might need to sleep with a bunch of slutty girls), I did this with out emotion, detached and he said okay, it was over... too easy right? Well, I found out two days ago he was grooming a few other vulnerable naïve young girls and has already chosen one to leach off of. They don't leave you until they've claimed another victim, the means I provided came to an end.

I'm garbage in his eyes, she's the new prize to be won.. btw he's done this twice before, but if he tries to come back this time, I'm not here for him... There's that moment of clarity when you just know the old you is gone. Only you can stick up for yourself in this situation and keep moving forward. Growth is painful, but also a beautiful process of knowing, loving and excepting yourself to be able to love again, someone worth loving who will love you back.


Louise 3 years ago

Hi, I loved one and been involved with for 15 years now, he was my first love and I was 14 years old, he was too. We were in the same school.........without telling the entire story.


Louise 3 years ago

Hi, I loved one and been involved with for 15 years now, he was my first love and I was 14 years old, he was too. We were in the same school.........without telling the entire story. When we were in our twenties, 20 to 23 y old, he almost get me crazy, I sure become depressed because of him. He played the game very well. My problem, is that am smarter than him but deeply in love with him, I knew he was lying, making stories, I caught him cheating, he made me feel a princess and after devalue me, like am nothing for him. I left him, but he always come back as the sweetest person on earth, few months, the abuse starts again. I got over that, get married to another normal man, but couldn't really love him as I knew I could, the crazy ex, destroyed a part of me, he starved me for emotions. My actual husband is a nice guy, certainly not a narcissistic person as the previous one, but he's not really caring or loves me I want him too, am a bit disappointed from him. My ex and I met again on facebook, and honestly even I got married and he manipulated me, I never got over him, he was my first love and the love continues till university, so that was hard for me to get over..... I had a facebook affair with him(no sexual relations between us, I have never been involed with him sexualyy, thanks god, or that would have been harder for me to move on, I was a vergin when married), just chating. The problem, is that he lied to me again and made me go through all what he did before, the same acts, manipulation, and all, ..........I feel depressed again after I was okay, and I hope I can forgive myself for what I did to myself and my family. The guild is killing me inside..., karma will take care of the phycho, he is alone at the age of 29, had a bad break up with the girl he left me for.....and I guess, he will never have a serious relationship, he always criticize his partners.....he's the best. by the way, I think mine is a narcissist, a sociopath and a pathological liar. He has ALL symptoms of the disorders....when I remember how I was before met him, happy, really happy.......I blame myself for knowing am with a crazy person, and letting myself believe he's perfect for me. He really fooled me....using my emotions. AND TWICE, i can't believe it.


Denise 3 years ago

Eek.. umm.. My boyfriend, as does myself, fit these discriptions..


Survivor 3 years ago

They should teach a program in schools about the ways sociopaths/narcissists operate. I was happily cruising through life until I had the misfortune on having a relationship with one of these freaks. It put me back 10 years financially and has taken 4 years to get close to where I was emotionally. Being a male the hard part is moving on from the anger of being a victim of a twisted depraved parasite. Unfortunately being brought up to not hit women makes it hard to deal with the rage and hatred these freaks bring out in you when you realise you have been abused. Thanks to our laws you can't even warn others about these freaks without risking a law suit. If I had been educated early on about these screw ups it would have saved a lot of pain, damage and wasted years.


Teresa 2 years ago

"Anyone can become a sociopath?" Do your homework! Sociopaths are born, not raised. I have dated two and the behavior is still shocking to me.

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