Dealing With the Giant White Elephant Pain
The last few years of my life have been filled with pain. As I have said before pain is an intangible. My pain belongs to me and me alone as it does with others. It seems funny to me when I go to a doctor and he asks me to rate my pain. It starts with a smiley face at zero and continues to ten where the face is frowning and you see tears. I can hit all those notes in any given hour just by walking up a stair case. Normally I stay at a five with jabs up to an eight and I am used to that. I am so used to that I rarely take pain medication other than Tylenol. Pain affects everyone differently what is tolerable to me may disable others. Many other don't have that tolerance and have to take handfuls of pain medication. You see that is like chasing a dragon, he will turn around and burn you unexpectedly. Doctors know this and will continue to give out pain medication until the person is taking theirs and anybody they know. Even to the point of buying from anyone who will sell. At this point the doctor will tell you that he can no longer prescribe to you and that you are cut off. This is so the doctor that started the problem can bow out and say I am protecting myself . His reply is screw you not my problem .By now your life is consumed by pills and your only option is to check into a place that can get you off the train. Easier said that done. If you are lucky enough to have insurance it may pay for two weeks. As I have seem so many times the person is left with buying pills from the street and turning to alcohol. In 1992 I had a bad habit and I chose to go to a pain center where I was taught self-hypnosis and bio feedback. It worked for me but I am the exception. That is why I think the pain chart in the doctors office is useless. A paper cut is the end of the world to some. My wife of forty one and one half year and a person I was friends with since the age of eight just died thirty days ago today in her sleep. Her family was so sure she had overdosed because of the amount of pills she took they dismissed her death as a well we expected it. Other than her Mother I never got a card or flowers from any them. She died of a blood clot the doctor missed on her visit two days before she died. Now I have a pain I can't control. I thought of her brothers as friends and they turned their backs no cards or flowers. .Not even a card from the nieces and nephews. I hurt everyday and can't find the source. Her brothers used to come over and play cards when we were younger. At Christmas they said I love you to her. Was it a lie? The hurt I have can't be focused and I feel it everyday and rarely sleep. This intangible pain I have is real and I wish I had a way to stop it. My four kids are my life now but when I see others together it kills me. The kids took me out to a club where we ate and played pool. I had a good time until the pain hit and I was the loneliest person in the bar that was so crowded it was hard to walk.. Everyone had somebody but me.
My wife would have loved to be there.