Dealing With the Giant White Elephant Pain

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Anyone's Pain


The last few years of my life have been filled with pain. As I have said before pain is an intangible. My pain belongs to me and me alone as it does with others. It seems funny to me when I go to a doctor and he asks me to rate my pain. It starts with a smiley face at zero and continues to ten where the face is frowning and you see tears. I can hit all those notes in any given hour just by walking up a stair case. Normally I stay at a five with jabs up to an eight and I am used to that. I am so used to that I rarely take pain medication other than Tylenol. Pain affects everyone differently what is tolerable to me may disable others. Many other don't have that tolerance and have to take handfuls of pain medication. You see that is like chasing a dragon, he will turn around and burn you unexpectedly. Doctors know this and will continue to give out pain medication until the person is taking theirs and anybody they know. Even to the point of buying from anyone who will sell. At this point the doctor will tell you that he can no longer prescribe to you and that you are cut off. This is so the doctor that started the problem can bow out and say I am protecting myself . His reply is screw you not my problem .By now your life is consumed by pills and your only option is to check into a place that can get you off the train. Easier said that done. If you are lucky enough to have insurance it may pay for two weeks. As I have seem so many times the person is left with buying pills from the street and turning to alcohol. In 1992 I had a bad habit and I chose to go to a pain center where I was taught self-hypnosis and bio feedback. It worked for me but I am the exception. That is why I think the pain chart in the doctors office is useless. A paper cut is the end of the world to some. My wife of forty one and one half year and a person I was friends with since the age of eight just died thirty days ago today in her sleep. Her family was so sure she had overdosed because of the amount of pills she took they dismissed her death as a well we expected it. Other than her Mother I never got a card or flowers from any them. She died of a blood clot the doctor missed on her visit two days before she died. Now I have a pain I can't control. I thought of her brothers as friends and they turned their backs no cards or flowers. .Not even a card from the nieces and nephews. I hurt everyday and can't find the source. Her brothers used to come over and play cards when we were younger. At Christmas they said I love you to her. Was it a lie? The hurt I have can't be focused and I feel it everyday and rarely sleep. This intangible pain I have is real and I wish I had a way to stop it. My four kids are my life now but when I see others together it kills me. The kids took me out to a club where we ate and played pool. I had a good time until the pain hit and I was the loneliest person in the bar that was so crowded it was hard to walk.. Everyone had somebody but me.

My wife would have loved to be there.

Comments 9 comments

Paul Zelahy 4 years ago

I wish more than anything there was something i could do to help, i stay up at nigh and wonder why did this have to happen...I love u so much and I miss her more and more as the days go on!!!!!!!!!

4 minutes ago


moonlake profile image

moonlake 4 years ago from America

I'm so sorry about the loss of your wife. I know this must be so hard. Fourty-one years is a long time to be together. It's sad about her family. People can be cruel.


tammyfrost profile image

tammyfrost 4 years ago from Oregon

Wow..this is an interesting article. Have you asked your doctor about depression medication? I was told by a doctor that sometimes when people are depressed, they feel more pain than usuale. Sorry to hear about your wife. Good Luck to you.


alzel127 profile image

alzel127 4 years ago from Indiana Author

Thank you Paul I know you will always be there. I love you.

Thank you Moonlake and Tammyfrost your comments mean a lot to me . This is such a new pain. I just need to wrap my arms around it.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 4 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

My heart goes out to you. This kind of confusion and pain takes a long time to manage. The sudden death of a person close causes us to lose footing. When all others turn from you and are not dependable, God draws closer and longs to soothe our sorrow. I hope family members and friends soon realize what they are doing and change. May your pain turn into the sweetness of memory quickly. Bless you.


alzel127 profile image

alzel127 4 years ago from Indiana Author

I have doubted God lately he seems far far away and I have always felt him close by. If this is a test I am failing.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 4 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Dear alzel127, God never would test us by bringing death and pain to us. Open your Bible to Hebrews 13:5 and read His promise to never leave us. At times when life has broken my heart and I felt far away from God, I was the one who left Him. Only the loving Creator of human beings can offer true solace and comfort through this kind of trial. This I know from personal experience. Hyph


alzel127 profile image

alzel127 4 years ago from Indiana Author

So I am the one who left and caused this?


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 4 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

No. I am sorry if I led you to believe that. Our drawing away from God does not cause Him to bring anything bad to our lives. I only meant that when we are far away from Him, we do not draw upon His love and comfort. You did not cause your wife's death and neither did God. Her poor body was sick and the doctor missed the blood clot. Your love gave her comfort and security. The only thing you caused was her knowing she was cherished right up to her last breath.

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