Depression- And How It Affects Me

Sometimes it feels as if I am all alone

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Depression And Me

Almost nobody knows that I suffer from depression. I keep it hidden - which I know makes it harder on me. I do take medication - but sometimes I feel as if it is not enough.

Things have been tough for me for quite awhile. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over twenty years. I went through a traumatic, never ending divorce that was dragged out for years. Just a few years later, I remarried a wonderful man - who had many issues of his own. I went through many issues at work with new principals and coworkers who seemed bent on making me miserable.

An Unhappy Marriage

I didn't think about depression. I just figured my moods were the by-products of my life and I would just have to live with it. So I tried. There were nights - night after night for months, maybe years - that I couldn't sleep. I was awake all through the night and then got up the next morning to go into work - and all the hassles that existed there - working with children who had many issues of their own, then go home to a destructive relationship with a man who tried to make himself feel better by making me feel worse. I would try to keep my children away from all the abuse and so often felt I had to leave the house with them - which cost money that I didn't have to spare. I worried about keeping them fed and housed because their father didn't work and refused to help around the house because it was "women's work."

I lived in fear and I felt that I couldn't leave this relationship because his family had money and I would lose my children if I left him. I was threatened with that every time I even thought about leaving.

A Break From Abuse

When my children were in their late teens, I decided to take the leap. I left him and filed for divorce. He counter sued, of course. I gave in to all of his concessions because I just wanted to be done with the relationship. Every time I gave in, he found something else to fight me for. In the end, I was left without the home I had paid for, most of the furnishings, dishes, etc. and only had the clothes and memorabilia I had managed to sneak out of the house. (Luckily, my children had graduated high school by this time - I didn't have to worry about losing them.) And then he filed a restraining order against me so I could not even come near the home any more. I also had to pay him nearly a quarter of my salary for the next four years because he was a "stay at home" dad.

A New Start

A little over a year after that fiasco I met my current husband. He was an awesome, intelligent, caring man that had two wonderful children. Two years later we were married. During that two years I learned a lot about the man. As wonderful as he was (and is) he had his own demons. He too had been married for over twenty years. The difference was that he loved his former wife and thought he had a near perfect marriage right up to the day she filed for divorce. My now husband had trouble dealing with that and without getting into it, went into a pit of hell. I watched him as he fell into that pit, unable to stop him.

Sinking To An All Time Low

It was during that time that I went to my doctor who did some tests and found out that I was somehow losing blood from my body. A few days later, I found out that I had tumors on my uterus - inside and outside. It was determined that I should have a hysterectomy. When the surgery was over, I was told they had found hundred of small tumors, and one that was, according to my surgeon, "bigger than most babies I've delivered." Fortunately, they were benign.

A few months later, my depression became the worst it had ever been. I sunk to a low that I had never been to. I didn't want to get up to go to work - even though throughout all of this I still loved my job. I wanted to stay hidden under a blanket on the couch. I didn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. And I cried about everything - my husband could have said "I love you" and I would have sobbed uncontrollably. I thought everyone was against me and didn't want to be around me. I never thought of suicide, but I often thought of leaving and never coming back...finding somewhere that I could truly be alone and away from the world. I felt everyone would be better off without me

A New Chance At A "Normal" Life

This lasted for a long time - I'm not even sure how long. It took going to the doctor to get my hormone medication straightened out to finally get it out in the open. While at the doctor's office, I broke down into tears over a simple question and I couldn't stop crying. In between sobs, my doctor asked how long this had been going on. I told him that I didn't know, but it had been awhile.

After talking to him for about an hour and him asking me lots of questions, he diagnosed me with depression and started me on medication. That was the beginning of me digging myself out of the hole. Things weren't immediately better, but I was on the road to getting better. I also found out that I had hypothyroidism - my thyroid was underactive - which also can cause symptoms of depression. I was put on medication for this, as well.

I have been taking medications for depression and hypothyroidism now for over two years. I take a sleeping pill to help me sleep.I have sought counseling. I am still not completely "better" but I can handle things much better than before. I sleep most nights, and wake up refreshed and ready to start a new day. I can put all the little stresses into perspective and deal with them one at a time. Of course, there are times - like today - that it all comes back. I want to hide away from everyone and cry uncontrollably. Just pull the blanket over my head and stay there. But my husband, my children, and now grandchildren, remind me each day that I have so much to be here for.

And I really don't want to hide, after all...

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Comments 16 comments

MicheleLynn profile image

MicheleLynn 5 years ago from Wilmington , NC

Wonderful, wonderful hub! i really enjoyed reading this till the end. Thank you for sharing your story. voting up and awesome!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Thank you!


lydocia profile image

lydocia 5 years ago from Belgium

I am sharing this hub with my friend, who has those demons of her own. I hope she will read this with as much admiration as I have and that she will take something out of it to help her further in her own battle. :)


butterflystar profile image

butterflystar 5 years ago from A Place of Success :)

That was a beautifully written story that so many of us share a similar story, Sometimes depression isn't cured by medication, its really a temporary fix or a crutch until you can seek out the deeper issues. Considering being in an abusive marriage for over 20 years, I would think maybe he has beat you down with threats and making you live in fear for so long might have something to do with it. I would consider some serious counseling, by a counselor that you really trust, who can not only diagnose you, but get to the real issues so that the suffering stops inside. (this of course is if your not seeking counsel) You also have to remember you are no longer a victim, sometimes we can carry that attitude after abuse, but now you are a survivor, and embrace that. I hope I have encouraged you, and thank you for sharing your story with us :))


justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

I have not sought out professional help yet, but have thought about. I keep telling myself when I have time, or money, or (insert any excuse here)...I will do it...

I think I am almost afraid to seek the help...afraid that I will find out things about myself I won't like...


prektjr.dc profile image

prektjr.dc 5 years ago from Riverton, KS, USA

justateacher,

Bless your heart! You have been through a great struggle. I understand. My first husband was (still is) an alcoholic, drug addict and emotionally abusive man. He too only felt big when he ground me into the ground. I want to tell you one thing....it is HIS problem. You were a victim dear and you CAN get above this. I did and you can too! I am so glad you have someone new in your life and your children are grown. Concentrate on you! Do not be afraid to get help, you will probably learn that you have nothing to be afraid of! You have touched my heart! It is only the grace of God that kept me afloat...that and a great church family who was there for me step by step! I will be praying for you! God bless you!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

prektjr.dc - thank you for your comment...I am lucky that I have a wonderful family and now two wonderful little grandsons that help me through most of my worst days...just knowing they are around helps immensely! I am seeing my dr. soon to have her recommend a therapist...


Allen Williams profile image

Allen Williams 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

@justateacher

I know what you were and are feeling with depression. I too have treated for depression years ago and then I stopped treating for it for a long time until I seriously considered suicide. I was able to have enough sense inside me to stop what I was about to do and go to the doctor. I was immediately put back on medication to help and I too feel better as far as being able to handle what used to be tough problems to handle. I don't think of suicide anymore but there is something that still makes me feel like I am more sad than not. I enjoyed reading this hub. I don't wish depression on anyone but it is good to see that I am not the only person that feels that way. Good luck with your depression and enjoy those grandchildren. Thumbs up on this one too!


writeronline 5 years ago

hi justateacher, this is a sad story. Especially since, even though you've handled yourself with dignity and survived to see, and enjoy, brighter days, depression's not something that just 'goes away'.

If it helps at all to know, you're not alone, either in suffering from ongoing depression, or in keeping it to yourself.

You might be surprised at how many people here on HubPages could identify with that statement. I think the fact that many of us write under pseudonyms, and the fact that HubPages provides such an easily accessible platform, have combined to create a very powerful outlet through which many of us are able to 'offload', albeit temporarily, some of the pressure of not wanting to feel the way we do, yet not wanting to share with (burden?) people we know in real life.

You 'might' also be interested in a hub I wrote on the topic; not so much the hub itself, which is about the quiet side of suicide, but because of the large number of insightful and heartfelt comments it drew from fellow Hubbers, very similar to you. And to me.

Keep on keeping the faith.


Ruchi Urvashi profile image

Ruchi Urvashi 4 years ago from Singapore

I read the hub from first to last. I admire that you continued to fight against your hurdles and became victorious. Depression is a difficult situation. When I was student, I went through that stage. I could come out of it by reading motivational books, going to church and making new friends.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

..well you are not just - a - teacher - you are a wonderful teacher and an amazing human being for being this honest and forthright and the fact that you are such an endearing and soulful writer indeed helps to enhance this experience of reading you - please accept my sincere best wishes for a happy, health and prosperous new year for you and your family - and yes I've had feelings of depression this past year and have cried more (privately and silently) than I have ever before - I think it's also because I am in touch with my feelings ..... thank you for sharing your life experience with us dear friend.

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justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Thank you for your kind comments, epi! It helps a little to know that there are others out there with depression and that maybe my writing about it somehow helps...


Chuck Bluestein profile image

Chuck Bluestein 4 years ago from Morristown, AZ, USA

This has a really great title. All I can suggest is to take a step back. Then step back some more. Overlooking the following causes untold suffering. Why were you born? In less than 130 years everyone dies. So why be born just to die? Why is there suffering? Were you born to be depressed and then die?

If you say "no" then why were you born. Everyone goes along with what others are doing. Socrates was not a Christian. How do I know that? He was born hundreds of years before Jesus. But Socrates was put to death for what he taught. So what did he teach. He taught that all this stuff that people get caught up in is not important. He taught that what was important is the immortal soul-- remember he was not a Christian. So what was his famous advice on this? "Know thyself!"


justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Chuck...great advice...thanks for reading!


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 3 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Thanks for sharing your story. You have been through so much. Living with depression makes it that much worse. I'm glad your life is better. now. Many votes on this one.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Thanks Victoria for reading....although there are still things to work on, things are getting better...

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