Doctors and dentists

Surviving at 60+

If you are not that way inclined, having someone, anyone, shove a finger (no matter how well lubricated) up your nether region in search of your prostate, is not a pleasant experience.

That being said, it is also a completely different thing to have your prostate examined by a specialist with whom you had dinner at your Doctor friend’s house the previous evening, than by a complete stranger who, after your embarrassing and soul destroying experience, will not want to see you ever again unless by an expensive appointment and will never call you or send you a Christmas card. Such a lack of regard hurts and might very well scar one's self confidence for life.

That is why for the last twenty years or so, my children and I (myself now being a youthful, handsome and dashing 62), until recently shared the same paediatrician. Let me just clarify this statement.

Your immediate reaction naturally would be how could a decrepit old wreck like me possibly benefit form a paediatrician? Now bear with me here, because the logic behind this is based on sound scientific thinking as I believe you will agree with me anon.

Real Doctors

Besides being a close personal friend with whom I socialised several times a week, my paediatrician was first of all a MEDICAL DOCTOR who has simply specialised in children. Which children often cannot voice their ailments clearly and succinctly, therefore he is a person who can deal with humans of limited and/or underdeveloped intelligence and my ex-wife will swear to you that I easily fall into one of these later categories.

The next important part of the equation is that he understands all related medical jargon and not only that, he is also a male, PLUS he is 8 years older than I.

So, and do please pay attention here, any illness that I am likely to have at my age, he has preceded me in having it himself by eight years and out of a simple sense of self preservation, he has read up on it assiduously. Do you get my drift? He simply HAD to read up on all the possible ailments threatening men over sixty and become an expert at them, ready to prescribe to himself the absolutely best and most appropriate medication. Voila!

As a result, he is a walking encyclopaedia of all possible diseases not only of children, but of all complaints afflicting males in our age group, PLUS he has access (as a colleague and/or friend and not simply as a patient), to all the relevant specialists who might be required and appointments are made with a simple telephone call. Hence my introductory statement that it is easier to be examined by a doctor with whom you are acquainted socially, than by a complete stranger.

Now recently I have moved to a new area, away from my friend, but resorting to scientific thinking once more, I have managed to find a suitable solution in replacing my paediatrician chum with a female doctor who, though young in years, has many sterling qualities.

St Rashmi
St Rashmi

First of all, she is willing to take my word about the condition of my prostate and does not have this strange proclivity of some other general practitioners to rush and put on the single rubber glove, lubricate the middle finger and get one to bend over as soon as they see any male in his 60s.

She has immediately grasped the fact that though the De Greeks are manly men of steel, deep down we are delicate poetic creatures and we tend to wilt like fragile flowers once our prostate is required to present itself front and centre for inspection.

In addition, my Young Dr. Rashmi is “A Daughter!” Not just any daughter, but a Dutiful Daughter of Holy India, where fathers are revered, not treated like squeezed lemons to be thrown away in expensive Homes for old Age Pensioners if that is where squeezed lemons are thrown.

A daughter, in short, who loves her father and who takes considerable interest in his ailments and their solutions. And this is where the scientific approach from my side comes in. I happen to be of a similar age as my Young Rashmi’s father and anything I can do, he can certainly do better as far as ailments are concerned.

From arthritis though cholesterol to prostate, my Young Rashmi’s dad has preceded me with a passion that I can only admire and applaud. The result is that every time I go to see my Young Rashmi, she already knows what’s wrong with me even before I open my mouth and often even before I feel any symptoms. In me she sees her dad and not only a dad but a sick dad whom she loves dearly and who’s suffering she wants to prevent.

Pam Roberson

So you see, Young Pam Roberson, (and those of you not familiar with the interesting case of Pam, may investigate it here) if you do a little bit of research in advance, you will save yourself a great deal of misery.

Dentists

Research, however, is no match for treachery and I shall shortly explain this fine distinction. Now from the title of this piece, the more observant amongst you, will already have detected a certain dislike of dentists in the De Greek psyche, as they are not referred to as doctors but simply dentists, as if the name is spat out in contempt and you would not be unjustified in forming this opinion. It is the De Greek way of avoiding the use of profanity, as our mothers are quite strict on this point. There is a reason for this scorn.

Having being raised in a monastery, I was let out into the world as a virginal youth in both spirit and body. As soon as I took my first steps into the metropolis, on my way to a tailor who was recommended for his skill in male clothing which went beyond the monk’s habit, I met the girl who was to become my first wife. I remember that she was sitting inside a cafeteria with a girlfriend of hers and jumped up waving and smiling as soon as she saw me through the pane glass window and I was particularly impressed by her ability to wink.

I thought how charming it is to live in such a friendly and Godly society and before I knew what was happening we were married a short three weeks later, both of us aged just twenty three.

The dentist element to the story appeared when I was already the father of two and tooth ache raised its ugly head. My ex-wife immediately arranged an emergency appointment with her own dentist and I presented myself at his office, accompanied by her.

 

It turned out that I needed not one, but three fillings. Even at age 28 at the time, I had no idea what fillings were but I told him to go ahead.

“A big guy like you surely doesn’t need an anaesthetic! That’s for sissies” said the dentist and I bowed to his greater knowledge. The resulting pain was excruciating beyond belief, but I bore it stoically, thinking that everyone had to go through this Dr. Mengele type torture.

However, I subsequently have had another three fillings and each time the different dentists I have used, took it for granted that an anaesthetic was a necessity and injected me with a powerful pain killer without bothering to ask for my opinion on the matter.

It was only at the time of our divorce that my ex-wife told me giggling that the then dentist had been her boyfriend prior to our marriage, that I realised that the three fillings without an anaesthetic were not quite in line with the Hippocratic Oath.

The smile on my face as I write this is due to the fact that shortly after the three fillings incident, the specific dentist died of cancer at a very young age, in what I am reliably assured by experts must have been prolonged and excruciating pain.



Dimitris Mita

De Greek

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Comments 54 comments

Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 6 years ago from India

De Greek - you're a riot! I'm so glad I took a break from work to read this. You had me almost prostrate - with laughter!


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

OMG...ha ha ha..

You were getting my sympathy there for a while...

Yes, my friends tell me all about the exam...

Great hub..


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Girls, girls, you are so good to me I don't know what to say, but whatever it will be, it shall ahve nothing to do whith that degrading exam! :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Another highly entertaining well-written hub! Funny as all get-out! Your infallible humor is such a treat, DG!

But the thought of the possible reality of it is too, too painful! One would think that, with all the other advancements in medical means & methods, a better exam would have been found & put into practice! Could it be that proctologists are simply perverse sadists at heart? That gives one pause for thought, no?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

AF, I could not have written it without your support and encouragement and I shall say so when I am collecting the next Nobel Prize for Literature. :-)))

My first and only prostate test was over 20 years ago and I was supposed to go through this indignity another twenty times since then! Can you imagine? Better die with some dignity, I say. :-)


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

You had my prostrate attention Mr De Greek and you filled a few gaps along the way with laughter. It seems that the index finger is used in both practices, hail the invention of latex, can you imagine putting that index in our personal places before the time of wearing rubbers. Yikes, no wonder I had bad breath after I left the tooth fairies chair. I agree with Nell's thoughts about sadists at heart.The part I hate the worst is not only seeing him slowly slide on his magical glove but hearing the snapping of it before he slides the holy grail into my,hmmmmmm.


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

If it's any compensation, we ladies get the same degrading exam even though we don't have prostrates. There's always something curious up one's nether-regions to explore, at least that what they tell me.

As for dentists..you were quite fortunate to endure your first filling over age 20! All pain aside, the De Greeks must have excellent teeth.

Thanks for another great hub!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! One shutters at the thought brother Saddlerider! :-)


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

I know what you mean. Been there, done that, as the saying goes. I loved the story of the dentist and the three fillings without anaesthetic! Too hilarious and he seems to have gotten his cumuppance (is that how this is spelt?) big time, hey?

Thanks for the really gorgeous read!

Love and peace

Tony


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

The De Greeks are world renowned for their teeth, Green Lotus. People come from far and wide to admire our ivory tasks and, in fact, some tribes in Africa regularly invite us to spend the hunting season there .

In fact, when Tonymac recently bought a new rifle and wanted to test it, the first one he thought of was me, or so he says, but maybe it is the South African way of being polite.

One of my simple pleasures in life is to go to a new dentist for de-scaling and watch his baffled idiotic face trying to find a tooth out of place, Even at 62 (Next July 23rd, by the way in case you want to make a note in your diary) I have all my teeth and, barring a few fillings, they are in perfect working order. :-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Tony, I mentioned above to Green Lotus your kind offer for me to visit you in South Africa and I am sure taht she will be in touch to ask if she can test the new rifle as well.

As for the dentist with the three fillings without a pain killer, though I am an orphan from birth, I am a good Christian and my religion does not allow me to comment in public. Naturally I believe in a an all-forgiving God and I do not expect to have any consequences as a result of my private reactions.


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Yes, well, us Christians got to stick together through thick and thin. I am sure the Good Lord will find it in his/her heart to forgive you - just don't steal my rifle, or I might not!

Seriously though, don't bother to come here if you have breath like Brother Saddlerider's - I cannot stand halitosis!

Love and peace and lots of giggles

Tony


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Hell, DG - I wrote some witty shit here and somehow it got lost!

But I'll try again. Prostate and prostrate make for fun too! I'll not prostrate myself for the sake of my prostate. LOL!

I'm sure the Good Lord will forgive you anything, but I won't if you take a liking to my rifle and make off with it!

I also don't forgive bad breath too easily so if you're like Brother Saddlerider and have a bad case of halitosis don't come one inch closer!

Cheers and giggles - looking forward to seeing you here, if the ash cloud lifts and planes can fly again!

Tony


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Yes but you forgot Green Lotus :-))


CMHypno profile image

CMHypno 6 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

Hi De Greek, I hate the dentist as well, so really had to steel myself just to read your Hub. Very amusing story!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Thanks Hypno, fellow sufferer :-)


De Cuz profile image

De Cuz 6 years ago from Portsmouth

Its taken all these years D.G. to find out that I am, in fact, older than you....by 3 days!! I recall that song"What a difference a day makes", so what about times three then!!!

Much like yourself and countless other gentlemen of a certain age, the dreaded ritual of the prostate examination was to be my fate about ten years ago. I had heard of this intrusion from many of my friends and colleagues who delighted in the detail!!! The day arrived,I found myself on my side, vulnerable and apprehensive. Then the sharp intake of breath, the marauding finger doing its worst. I think I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity. "There Mr. Cuz, that wasnt so bad was it?" Stunned, I recall uttering those emortal words "Does that mean we are now engaged?"


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

"my friends and colleagues who delighted in the detail"

Cuz, you have friends and colleagues who "delight" in having such an exprience? Hmmmm.... Does this mean that in three days time when I am as old as you..... ???


De Cuz profile image

De Cuz 6 years ago from Portsmouth

They did indeed delight in endeavouring to undermine that courage for which our family is reknown for.

Remember this D.G. even with all earnest desire, or heartfelt longing, or even desperate envy.....you will never be as old as I am....ever!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Unless of course you croak in which case, four days later, I shall be older, won't I? :-)))


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

A monastery? This I've got to hear more about!! :D


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia

De Greek! You are a priceless gem! You deliver humor like the sweetest butter on perfectly cut toast points. :) I'm quite jealous, but, instead of stomping off into the night like a cry baby, I will follow you like a mut puppy and enjoy your words. :)

This hub is hysterical! Thank you for the mention! :)


Cris A profile image

Cris A 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I hope they have laser technology or some virtual diagnostic procedure for prostate checkups when I turn 60! You did say the dentist died of cancer, was it prostate cancer by any chance?

A thoroughly engaging read. I can't wait for a De Greek spin on going to the hardware store or doing the laundry :D


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

FP, you came! Now I can die in peace. :-) I don't feel fulfilled until I see your comments :D Kiss you


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Pam, I expected YOU to catch on and to and connect the comments from above about about "our ivory tasks" + "some tribes in Africa regularly invite us to spend the hunting season there" + "Tonymac - testing his new rifle - inviting to South African"......???? :-)))))))

But VERY seriouisly, thank you for doing me the honour to comment here and I am the one to be jealous. After I read your "Seduction in a Construction Zone" I know that I could never be as good as you :-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Cris, you might as well resign yourself to the ineviable indignity. There is no escape. The worst part is that women do not understand us on this point and never will, as what is a natural intrusion for them, for us it a completely soul destroying event. If Sott is reading this by any chance I will ask him to take the test on my behalf next time. Hi Scott!

As for the dentist (do you know how to put italics in theHub headings to make it more funny?) he died young and of a cancer of the liver, which I am told is quite a prolonged and painful process. Poor sod. :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

I'm enjoying not only the hub but the comments and replies to them!

I suppose a well-meaning "thumbs up" might be misinterpreted here, though, - so I'll just again offer my blessing and raucous laughter. Write more!!

Oh - and it seems HB hasn't thought to provide italicized, emboldened or underlined text options for either the comments or headings. But one's wit and mastery of words CAN communicate the intent quite nicely. No one who is awake could possibly miss yours!


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

Great hub you are hilarious I love your humor. When I saw the title I cringed as I try to avoid those awful exams myself but now being over the age of ahem 40 I have to whether I like it or not. As for the dentist thats what Karma is all about. Cheers.


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 6 years ago from USA

All I can say is the older I get the more places Doctors find a place to probe.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

You are as always comical to the extreme - indeed - going to a pediatrician at 60+! This is something perhaps I might have thought of (although I am a few years younger and now rethinking). I am of the mind though that I always would rather NOT have my friends in medicine see my true body and just worship me from afar but then again, you might be on to something- especially if they are older than us. The dentist tale likewise - I totally feel your pain. I actually would rather give birth (too late now unfortunately) than go to the blasted dentist. You are right - their name comes out as a curse word. I started to read this in the morning and was giggling away - then had to come back and finish it for my 'peace of mind'. Clever, clever, clever and always your humor shines through.


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Another wonderful hub! When I was married to my ex, his hunting pal was my gynecologist, so I know exactly how you felt! As far as dentists are concerned, didn't Shakespeare say they should all be killed? Oh, wait...that was lawyers. Sometimes they're difficult to tell apart - they both specialize in extractions!


_cheryl_ profile image

_cheryl_ 6 years ago from California

Hello DG, I loved this! Coincidentally, I'm in the works of doing a hub on my own very recent dental experience. I especially enjoyed your last paragraph. I couldn't even imagine the pain you went through, gives me chills!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Girls, first of all does anyone of you know a good fish restaurant in Dallas and Fort Worth? :-)

Second, how can I thank you for being so kind to me? The only reason I write is because I am such an egomaniac that I want to hear good things about my writing.

BUT:

Nellianna is now my friend and she does not have it in her to hurt me, so she will always say nice things (I hope)

LadyJane and I are like old neighbours so ditto.

NJBenson, you are a fairly new friend and I cannot discern from your comment whether you liked my nonsense or not :-)

Akirchner, the way we are going we shall end up like an old married couple, me being the old part of the equation :-)

Habbee, I became your slave from the first comment you made on one of my stories, so need I say more?

Cheryl my child, your youthful reactions are always a treasure to me :-)

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!! :D


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia

LOL! I regret that I didn't read the comments when I was here last! What a loss that was for me because it's TOO funny about your "ivory tasks" and the generous African invitation--heck, I think I even received a once in a lifetime invitation to view the marvels of your ivories!

But do you know what has me laughing hardest? This: "Naturally I believe in a an all-forgiving God and I do not expect to have any consequences as a result of my private reactions." LOL! I'm rolling out of my chair! Thank you! :) I can begin my day now.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

So you see what one may miss in life through this girlish frivolous attitude of yours Pam? :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Though the request for knowledge was spread like notes in bottles set to sea, since I'm the only one of the "girls" in the thread being beseeched to reply who happens to live in the specified area, I suppose I'm the logical one to reply to the question about a good fish/seafood restaurant in ths area.

Yes, dear friend, I do know of several such places in Dallas, Plano, and other suburbs. I'm less familiar with those in Ft. Worth, but I'm sure both Arlington & FW have thier shares. There are many good ones in my neck of the woods. At Mockinbird Station is Rockfish, really good. There are otherr Rockfish locations, but that's the one I know. http://www.mockingbirdstation.com/restaurantsdirec...

At Garland is Fish City. http://www.fishcitygrill.com/index.html Again - there are other locations but that's the one I know. Both those are fun and rather raucous, casual.

My most favorite fish & seafood place, however, is a bit more sedate: McCormick & Schmick's at NorthPark Mall. http://www.mccormickandschmicks.com/locations/dall... Check it out.

Hope these few suggestions are helpful!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Ladyjane is a Texan and I do not know where Pam is from. :D

Anyway, thank you for the informaton. :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

You are most welcome.

Lady Jane is a Texan, for sure - but she's located in south Texas, hundreds of miles from Dallas/Ft.Worth where you specified as the loacation of your querry. Perhaps you underestimate the size of the state!

Lady Jane has told me that she has knowledge of Dallas, though. Far be it from me to monopolize! Certainly if any other of the girls knows places to recommend, possibly better than those I suggested, you should not be denied that valuable information! ;)


Minilady profile image

Minilady 6 years ago

Great hub! I was laughing out loud while reading it and my son was wondering what had got into me!

I have to thank FP for directing me here. :)


kimberlyslyrics 6 years ago

What an excellent Hub, thank you for the great write and information

cheers

kimberly


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

@ AF I am just a poor peasant from Cyprus. Waht do Iknow? :-)

@ Minilady, we aim to please. My greatest pleasure in life is to be directed at by FP :-) You have made my day!

@ Kimberly, thank you for your kind words. We Great Authors and quite partial to flattery :-)


healthgoji profile image

healthgoji 6 years ago

Some quite interesting, fascinating and some funny stuff.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 6 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Hehe - doctors who think that they have to investigate what is inside my body against my will (as gynecologists) - are definitely banned from my life...and I feel healthier then before. No "raping" and "spying" in the name of "medical investigation" any more. Such experiences can be horrible.

Thanks for funny Hub about serious topics.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

You are a fellow sufferer I see Tatjana :D


Angelique Loux profile image

Angelique Loux 6 years ago from Ohio

Im glad I'm not a man. That prostate exam isn't something I would want to look forward to. Funny!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Hi Angeligue. Glad you found it funny :-)


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Sir Greek as always an entertaining well-written super duper hub! We must be on the same wave length because your sense of humor nabs me in the side each time I read some of your writing.

As always a great hub

hope you're "well"

regards Zsuzsy


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Zsuzsy, my Zsuzsy, though the De Greeks may not always operate on all cylinders, they function sufficiently to know how to appreciate a compliment from a gifted person such as yourself. Thank you :-)


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Hi, De Greek - had a significant thought while reading your amusing hub. If you selected a pediatrician as your medical man because he had experience dealing with children who might have limited resources for voicing their ailments, imagine how much better you would have fared going to a veterinarian who deals with patients with no voice whatsoever.

The worst that could happen - you might have to swallow one or two horse pills.

Funny, funny hub - thanks.


De Greek 6 years ago

drbj - Yes, but the De Greeks cannot tell a lie. Besides, we don't know whether donkeys have prostates :-)


rocklin dentist 6 years ago

I totally agree with you about word of mouth being probably the best way to get a good Dentist locally, because they tell you all the stuff you really need to know.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Relax Rocklin, ITS A JOKE! :-))

But then of course, you are a dentist................., so... :-)))


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 5 years ago from South Africa

As my annual "rectal examination" is coming up in the next few weeks I thought I would read this wonderful Hub again, just to prepare myself adequately for the experience!

Needless to say your Hub is devoid of anything useful in that regard, but it got me to thinking about dentists, not a subject I usually spend much time on. I once had to go to a person answering that general description in a rural area of our lovely country to get a tooth fixed that I had broken on the steak I had mistakenly tried in a dining car of our illustrious railway service. Being rather young and easily impressed I was very taken with the young lass impersonating a receptionist in the waiting area of his euphemistically-termed "rooms". So much so that I did not notice when he went to work on the wrong tooth with a wickedly blunt drill, promptly demolishing that tooth also!

By the time I came out of his "rooms" I had a very rough filling in the wrong tooth and the broken tooth still broken.

The young lady impersonating the receptionist smiles sweetly as I went out, causing me to trip over the threadbare carpet as I made for the door, almost cracking another tooth in the process!

I afterwards found out two things which might or might not have a bearing on the story: firstly the so-called "dentist" was what is politely called a "piss-cat"; and the fake receptionist, less than half his age, was his lady-friend, not to put too fine a point on it!

What's the moral of my sad tale? I have absolutely no idea and thought in your infinite wisdom you could help me there? Perhaps you could do a Hub about it? That would make me feel great! And perhaps in a better frame of mind to go to the doctor for that infernal exam!

Love and peace

Tony


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK Author

First of all, put this down in a Hub and make all your friends laugh. Get your finger out (!) and get on with it immediately.

Secondly, with regard to your pending rectal examination, I suggest that you do what my brother did. He took the results and framed them and hang them on the wall of his office. He would then point to the "certificate" as he called, as proof that he had been officially certified as having had something up his rectum, thereby officially becoming "one of them" :-)))))))

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