Nearing my breaking point
Just like the title of my blog says, "Have you ever felt like a loser?" Look I will be the first to say that I am not one, but as much as you try to ignore the world around you, at time you have to wonder. I rarely let all this junk just weigh me down, normally I have my few life worries and I let it go. Maybe it is because I don't have a full-time job, so I am not getting out as much as I would like because of money and just where do I when I am not doing my part-time thing? I have way too much time to think, lol.
The one good thing, out of anything else, is that has brought me back more to the bookworm I use to be sometime ago. I go to the library and I check out a stack of books, read them in my month, return and start again. It allows to think about something more than money, jobs, etc. However, it has allowed me to look at people I think and thought were my friends for what they are and maybe what they don't want to tell me. I have had plenty of friends just vanish out of my life, corresponding around the time of being laid-off. I have one friend that just moved and I am pretty sure I am never gonna hear from him again. I have other friends that are way too busy trying to find a job that they don't have a lot of time. The last batch of friends I have, well, I am not sure what to make of them. They, at times, say one thing and do another.
I try to ask for what I want in a friendship/boyfriend, but I wonder if some people take great joy just to play mind games. With a few, you say you want to do something, then you all of a sudden, change your mind, make up excuses, ignore me, throw it back on me that I call you on what you are doing. I just want to be treated with the same respect I try to give all people I care about, I don't know? I have come to the grand conclusion on those people that maybe they just don't know what they want, as much as they say they do? I ask for something and you run from the topic and then say maybe we don't need to talk anymore? What the heck is that? Others want to play email and social network tag and then go to ignoring me. WTF?I am starting to wonder if I should just let what is totally in my heart to a few of these people and if they tell me to get lost, it will hurt, but it will be their loss.
I am just tired and rundown and want something to make sense. I want someone to hire me and mean it, lol, with a decent wage and some health insurance. I want a man that will accept me for the freaking goofball that isn't perfect size 2 with a perfect exterior. I want friends that want to actually make time for me that I don't have to always make the first move to get you to talk to me. I want a place of my own where if it is falling apart, hell, then at least it is mine and I have the control to fix it or hell not. I want to feel better about myself, like I use to, and when you are in a rut like I am in now, there isn't a whole lot that you can do. I want to medically feel better too, but I have come to the grand conclusion on that, there isn't a lot more that a doctor can do for me on that note.
I miss a time where people actually didn't hide behind the internet and wanted to connect. You can only do so much with technology between you. I know I seem to talk a lot about this topic, but I haven't figured out nor has anyone given me an answer that really makes any sense.
I try to count my blessing, I do have an amazing sister, I do have a few friends that I think would do anything for me, I have a roof over my head, I have a part-time job, and I have a way to get there. I do believe in God and that this is happening for a reason, but I wish it would come out already, lol.
I am just tired of life being one big huge fight! Blame this rant on Glee, hahahahaha