Fibromyalgia is My Thing #7

Purpose

Did you ever just wander all over the place with your thoughts? I'm kind of an emotional person and recently something hit me and I just put it down. It came out like this:

I just realized I do not know how to NOT be a mom.

It hit me today as I am talking to my eldest daughter about my youngest daughter (who happens to be 34 years old) that I miss “mommy-hood” and may even be grieving over it.

All of a sudden I am dreaming about the son I lost, for real and my baby, who is doing quite well for herself.

Over the years I have been the run-to person for my girls. Even though there were years that one or the other did not need nor want me around, still I was needed by the other.

Now I see that I am needed by none of my children. They love me and they appreciate that I am here. However, between the flu, fibromyalgia and heart problems I am unable to travel like I used to. They are very busy (as indeed they should be) with their families and building a future. I am most proud of that.

Yet, what am I going to do with myself? This is something I seriously must ponder.

I am childless (for all practical purposes); except, of course, for my precious Snuggles who is a 14 year old Sheltie.

I know I have my husband and he loves me beyond measure. Poor man, he has not a clue as to how to help me. He is a very busy man working on a huge project that I am unable to help him with.

Whose problems will I have to research and solve, now? My own? I cannot even ponder on them, there are so many. Wait - perhaps that IS the answer. I’ll ponder on my own problems and fix them. Then I’ll have a purpose.

Ah, but it seems so selfish and empty to just be doing for myself. My man is pretty self-sufficient, so I must be very busy at being busy doing something for someone else.

Who? What? Where? When Why? How?

All I have to do is answer those questions and my problem will be solved. No more streaming tears, just plain old purpose.

Ah… that’s what is missing… purpose. I have no purpose. None. Nada. Zilch.

That, my friends, is exactly how I felt before I started here on hub pages. Not only have I found a purpose (to share my journey with others to perhaps make their life a bit easier) but I have found much good sound advice and some awesome and inspiring hubs.

So, thank you… all of you who write. You may not always know I have read your works, but you have helped me tons. You have helped me with humor, with encouragement and stories that you tell and poetry that you write.

So again, I say THANK YOU!



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Comments 8 comments

Jillian Barclay profile image

Jillian Barclay 5 years ago from California, USA

Pixienot-

You are the one who has given your children the freedom and ability to live full, busy lives! You have done your job well, but apparently you are not Italian or Jewish...As an Italian mother, I always knew that someday my kids would no longer need me, so I gave them the gift of guilt that had been given to me. "Never ignore your mother or God will punish you!" I was definitely not as good at it as my mother was or her mother before her, but it has served me well...They may no longer need me, but I am sure they feel guilty about it (I hope!) Now spend your energy and your need to mother on your grandchildren. It really is so much more fun!

I just had a visit with my beautiful 8 year old granddaughter and the 2 1/2 year old grandson that I call 'The Grandmother Killer'. While my granddaughter is all sweetness and calm, 'The Grandmother Killer' reminded me that I am too old and in too much pain to play airplanes for hours on end, and while the sharing of the harmonica was great and showcased our talents, his little boy germs gave me bronchitis, which I will cherish until the antibiotics take effect...

Your kids still need you, trust me! Just in a different way. Plus, I need you to continue to write. There are a few people that I am always anxious to read. You are one of those few!


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana Author

B I could not be more honored. I've tried the "guilt" trip on one of my children, and it actually worked, for a few weeks!

Writing is my lifeline to life! The only thing I missed while I have been in bed with the flu this past week, is my notebook and paper, but I was too weak to get up and get it. How's that for lazy.

Last night I was up long enough to write my hub and then went back down. Thankfully the antibiotics finally arrived. (My doc seems to think no matter what your symptoms you must see green to qualify for antibiotics!

I have a history of chronic bronchitis and any time I get congestion (which is seldom) I am a bit anxious to get rid of it in a hurry. Fortunately, this is a "bug" and not bronchitis. Still I know the recovery time needs to be cautious.

I don't see my grandkids unless I travel to them. And I've been too sick to travel for quite a while. But it's okay. I know they love me. I talk to them on the phone as often as I can. My kids are fantastic parents!

Once again,

Thank you for your encouragement and correspondence. I really appreciate it.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

You know Pixienot, this is YOUR time in life now...Take baby steps till you're comfortable with whom you are...Believe me, I could relate to a lot that you said...I've written about it myself. You did you job, where your kids are concerned...They are happy, harried, individuals...there lives are so hectic...Ours are not. Hub Pages are wonderful, and all of us are so glad you're here, I know I am. LOL.


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana Author

Thank you B. I so appreciate your comments.

I do need to qualify something. I said I did not see my grandchildren. It is not because my children will not let me; it is because I have been too ill.

I'm sure once I am stronger I can call my granddaughter's parents and have them both for a sleep over. They are old enough now that they can bake their own cookies and they love it. The others are far away and pretty much grown up and doing their own thing. I love them all - equally, but I seldom see most of them. I do enjoy the ones that are close and remind me that I am "Grandma." I love Ma Bell as she lets me keep in touch with the others, mostly.

I'm actually feeling better, in most ways. I just finished the antibiotics. So here is hoping it is all up hill from now on! (or is it down hill? I get those two mixed up).

Anyhow, "Its all good." as my eldest daughter taught me!

Isn't it great that when we grow older that we have memories? I may write about that!

Now I'm going to go learn more about hub pages!

Have a wonderful week.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Mom- the guilt, the guilt! It's overwhelming. I'll come and see you on Friday. I'll even bring the kid if you're not contagious. :O)

Maybe you have a little Italian blood you don't know about. :)


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana Author

maybe I do!!! :) Thanks kiddo


LADYGIRL profile image

LADYGIRL 5 years ago

I love it, very informative...Good job


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana Author

Thank you very much! I've had a "bug" that is keeping me away from the computer a lot. Sorry it took so long to answer. Again, thank you!

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