Floaters and Sinkers and Meth, Oh My!

I had no idea there was so much interest in scat

I sort of got tired of fart jokes in about 8th grade, and went on to think about grander things and leave digestion to do it's work autonomously. Recent digestive health issues, however, caused me to do considerable personal research on the GI tract, specifically the lower part of it. As a side effect I have became rather knowledgeable about poop as well. This brought up a long buried debate that I had with my husband when we were first married regarding "sinkers" and "floaters," which we never truly resolved. Once you're elbow-deep in diapers, however, the floater/sinker issue gets shuffled aside and eventually buried. Your main thrust is to get it cleaned up before your little darling lets fly with another one.

While researching colon surgery and colon healing after surgery and scars etc, I found a huge number of websites dedicated to poop. I think they must be quite popular, from the number of comments and the number of sites. Plus everyone on the planet (except me) seems to be "cleansing their colon" by putting some kind of mud mixed with kapok down (or possibly up) themselves. Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my research with you and hopefully you can weigh in with your own view of this apparently important topic.  And it gives me a chance to share with you a particularly disgusting cartoon I made. 

Morning Thunder

What does the web say?

Unfortunately, the web says anything you want it to. We used to argue about the relative merits of floaters and sinkers, and I can't even remember which position I took. Here's the argument that was proffered at the time, in 10 BW (before web). Floaters float because they have a higher fat content. OK. We all know fat floats and any sane person would probably buy that. If you don't, drop a stick of butter in the toilet beside a potato and note the floatage/sinkage characteristics of each. But which is better, floaters or sinkers? You could argue that sinkers prove that you don't consume enough fat for you to create floaty turds, so sinkers are better. Or you could argue that something else might have happened to the fat before it ever hit your colon, such as: it was greedily sucked up and transferred to your upper thigh where it will be forever, unless you decide to have liposuction. In which case, of course, floaters would be the preferred turds to have because that proves that the fat is going through you and NOT being hijacked on the way and diverted to blubber butte.

Also proffered:  Too much iron weighs down those sinkers.  Floaters prove you're getting the right amount of fiber and some people run themselves ragged trying to produce the perfect floater.  Sinkers have too much mucuous.  Sinkers have too much bile.  Sinkers mean you eat too much food.  It's lookin' bad for the sinkers. 

Then a whole new theory comes along: the gas theory. The innards contain gases which can either be from swallowing them or from biological activity during the breakdown of food.  Beans, for example, contain certain sugars which can't be effectively digested, and instead turn to gases.  These gases are a combination of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, and in an elite 33% of humans, methane.  Most of the oxygen diffuses back into the body unless the bowels move so fast it doesn't have a chance.   Methane is a flammable gas produced by cows and other decaying organisms. One argument goes that floaters have multiple smallish bubbles of gas trapped in them, which is what makes them float . And the rest are sinkers.  Now I'm really confused. Are floaters better because they trap the gas in the turds, as opposed to having large pockets of pure offensive smelling gas which decides to squeak out just when you're leading a bunch of cub scouts in the pledge of allegiance or something? Or is it better to have strong bowel muscles that squeeze that gas out of those turds?

Flammable Arse Gas

Flammable gas in an enclosed place?

And then a horrible thought occurs. (This could only occur to someone who has an overactive imagination.) I know that there is oxygen in operating rooms as well as electrical equipment. I know they blow your abdomen up with some type of gas during laproscopic procedures. What if there's a short circuit and your bowels are full of gas and there's a spark and an explosion? I found that indeed that did used to happen occasionally, but that modern preparation protocols for colonoscopies and bowel surgeries do a pretty good job of preventing it. Whew!  I'm picturing in my mind the surgeon explaining that to the loved ones....

Ask the audience

Do you usually let off

  • Sinkers
  • Floaters
  • Sometimes sinkers sometimes floaters
See results without voting

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Comments 2 comments

Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 7 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

Great fun! I highly recommend 'The Art of Farting' by Salvador Dali. It's part of his autobiography, Diary of a Genius. I think you'd enjoy it, on today's showing :)

Scholar Mel 4 years ago

Nice cartoon. I hope your husband is okay :-)

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