From the Dark to the Light, Battling Depression

Why I Am Writing This

Writer’s block for nearly two years, and still seem to have one. I know the source of my writer’s block…I have been in a pretty dark place for the past two years. A place I never expected to be. I thought maybe if I wrote about it, put it down in words, maybe I could escape it, get back to my old self again. So after thinking about it for… God, I don’t know how long I have been thinking about it, I know it has been a long time. So tonight I will put it in written word.

As I said it has been two years, two and half years to be exact. My doctor has said I suffered a form of post-traumatic stress, although I don’t think what I went through would be categorized as a trauma, betrayed I think is a better word. You see I had been seeing someone for 5 years and in the end I found out she was “living” with someone else too. The details of which are hard to explain, basically she lived with me for 4 days of the week and she lived with a married man for 3 days of the week. In the end she took me for thousands of dollars and a vehicle. Perhaps in another hub I will elaborate.

Self Therapy

Anyway, back to my own self therapy. I fell into a depression, one the likes I have never experienced before. To the point that I chose to end my life, obviously I have not, but there were some lack luster attempts. A hose from exhaust to the interior of my car, which I sat in for about 10 – 20 minutes, probably closer to 10 than 20, not sure of the actual time. The second attempt was in a drunken stupor with a large kitchen knife and end with a drive to the hospital with the police. Although there were interventions and many hours of psycho-therapy, the light has never returned fully.

As the case with depression, darker days have crept into my daily life from time to time. One I am currently in as of this writing. Feelings of despair and hopelessness brings along stress and tension. Thoughts of not wanting to be here slowly creep in. Fortunately I do not have any intention of harming myself, although my thoughts race over every bad decision I have made, especially the ones recently made.

Past Lives

One of the things that has been preoccupying my time has been reincarnation, the possibility of past lives. If reincarnation is real, if it does exist, then this messed up life of mine can have a “do over”. I have begun reading about past life regression and even attempted it once. I don’t know if it was real or if something my imagination made some things up, but I did come up with a name and year and was able to verify the name and date through an internet search. I also came across a book by Dr Elisa Medhus, a medical doctor and atheist that lost her son to suicide. She claims that after his death, he made his presence known to family members, including herself. She now has a blog called “channelingerik” where she talks to Erik through a spirit translator, I do recommend visiting her blog. She also has some of these sessions on youtube. Let me say that she is no longer an atheist.

Readers of her blog have reported visits from Erik, I have not read her blog, but watched a little of the youtube videos and reading her book. What I find fascinating is that from what they talk about, it kind of makes sense and is believable. I must admit this gives me some hope. One of the things mentioned was that our human life is a “contract” of sorts. One that we pre-determined due to an issue or challenge, for lack of a better word, that we must learn or overcome to continue our growth to enlightenment. Deep down, I think I want to believe in it because I can have my “do over”, although it does require my death first.

Now to Start My Search

So now I wonder, do we live many lifetimes or just this one, a spiritual question I endeavor to find an answer for, although I don’t know if I ever will, but I will keep searching. As for my dark place I was in at the start of this writing, seems to have dissipated. Not completely full of light yet a little brighter. Being able to put some things down in words seems to have worked. I welcome any comments ,especially about past lives and reincarnation. Oh by the way, thanks for letting me get this out. Until later, I am sure this story is “TO BE CONTINUED”.

© 2013 bgigstead

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