How to Avoid Germs on Door Handles by Using Your Butt as a Hands Free Door Opener
Do you want to avoid contact with troublesome viruses and bacteria? Or do you just want to steer clear of generally unclean puplic surfaces? If you do, chances are you have trouble with doorways. Not to worry- there are some very creative ways to avoid doorknob contact. All it takes is some quick thinking- and skillful use of the tush!
Below I shall show you how to open doors using your rump. We shall cover all the major door types, and at the end of this guide, I will also provide some alternative means of opening doors hands-free, or at least contact free.
Let the maximization of your gluteus maximus begin!
These are the easiest doors to pass through hands free. Simply turn right before passing through- doing one of those neat basketball fakes, and tilt slightly forward, pushing the center of the door with your bottom.
Non-Butt-Alternate: The Superman
For manly men, this germ phobic door opening move is a must-use. Straighten both arms in front of you and ball your hands into a fist. Punch through the door.
(Note: You don't actually punch through the door... you apply pressure to it and it swings open. Just wanted to point that out. I've tried both; wouldn't recommend punching through.)
Push Handle Doors
These are the most enjoyable doors to open with one's backside, since the move involves a bit of attitude. Sidle up to the door and place the side of one hip or one butt cheek against the handle. Next, with a fun little shimmy or pelvic thrust, throw the thing open.
You'll then be able to stride on through as the door opens and slowly swings shut again. Just be quick! If you're leading other people through the door, catch the edge with your foot to hold it open (and next time, get them to do the dirty work for you).
This move requires a ballet-like bit of footwork, but is excellent when you are with company as you will be looking back at those following after you as you spin through the rounded chamber.
Step into your revolving door pie piece and place your bottom against the bar. To move the door, lean back and keep moving by shuffling your feet back in small, dainty steps. Slowly slide along to the outer part of your wedge of the door and when you make it to the next opening, you shall simply pop out!
Doors with handles that must be pushed down to release the catch are easiest for tall people and require the most gluteel finess.
After approaching the door, hike one cheek onto the handle using a sort of hip hiking hula move. Reverse the move and bring the handle down, then push your back against the door and stride through with all the pride of someone capable of even the most difficult buttwork.
Doors with Door Knobs
These are the bane of any germ phobic existence. They are impossible to open with one's backside or really any other alternate body part, and believe me, I have tried.
The only way you can use your tush to get you through this bind is to somehow entice other fools to somehow do the door opening for you.
These days, many doors in public spaces and in office buildings have wheelchair-friendly ramps and door-opening buttons. These are a real boon to germ phobes because they remove handles, bars, and knobs from the equation entirely!
That said, most people still press these buttons with their hands. Which makes these large metal buttons just as troublesome as any door handle. For this reason, skin-on-surface contact must still be avoided.
Not to worry! To cater to those for whom they are actaully designed, most door-opening buttons are right at tush level. Simply give it a little tush push and open sesame!
Hands AND Butt-Free Door Opening Alternatives
Obviously your bottom is not the only bit of anatomy at your disposal that can be utilized for door opening. Here are some other common means of opening doors that involve avoidance of skin contact:
- The sleeve-over-hand move: If you're wearing long sleeves, you can pull them over your hand as protective gloves for door opening purposes
- The skirt-over-hand move: If it's a hot day, and you're a lady, simply pull up your skirt and use the fabric as a sanitary barrier between you and the door handle
- The scrap paper approach: Utilize old envelopes and magazine inserts as improvised sanitary barriers
- The oh-I-think-I-might-be-missing-something-from-my-purse/pockets approach: If you see someone else going for the door, let them do the dirty work of opening it by suddenly faking away from it in an urgent search for something that is "missing" from your pockets.
- The Indiana Jones: Catch a recently-opened door before it closes completely by running for it like there's no tomorrow and jamming various limbs in place before it shuts, then using them to throw it open again. This move is more fun and effective if you either hum the theme song or running as your secret mental soundtrack.
Happy door-opening, intrepid germ phobes!
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