A Story About Depression, Attempted Suicide, Nervous Breakdown

All I could think of was never waking up again for being awake and conscious was too painful. Life wasn’t how I mapped it out to be, love was not the way I thought it should be. I was unloved and certainly unwanted, no children to take care of, no real friends, no real job, no money, no nothing.

Hopeless, lonely, ugly, a failure. I wasn’t living, I was just alive but had no life. When Patrick told me he didn’t really want me, he had someone else that was the icing on the cake. After a year of supporting and giving everything to this man, he didn’t want me? He had his woman?

In a daze I went to the drug store and bought a bottle of pills (I won’t say which), returned home and downed them. Locking myself in my bedroom I decided to tell a few people goodbye. I didn’t tell them what I was doing; I just told them that they may never see me again. That was the big mistake. I thought I was being thoughtful in doing so, I didn’t expect they would realize what was taking place and interfere. Nosy and interfering spoiled it for me, for before I could go off to sleep my brother was knocking on my door. I refused to answer but he kicked the door in instead.

I was rushed to the hospital on December 15, 2005. My stomach was pumped to get out the meds before they were digested. Wait a minute this was so familiar, did I dream it? Wait, no, it happened before.

In the year 2000 I was doing fine until I realized that my life was going nowhere. It hit me that I really wasn’t going to bear kids and maybe no one was ever going to want me. It was a normal day at work and I developed a headache, I got the bottle of painkillers from the medicine cabinet and took two. Somehow I told myself that two would never do the trick, I felt so tired and wanted just to sleep. I took two more and two more until I took the entire bottle.

I staggered into my boss’ office laughing and crying at the same time. What was so funny? I don’t know! He knew something was wrong as this was not my normal behavior. He said I told him that the headache wouldn’t go away. All this I barely remember.

Why would someone want to take their own life, twice? Depression.

Depression is an illness that is caused through stress. It sometimes run in families. Many factors can bring depression through stress. Loss of job, bankruptcy, business failure, death of loved one, heart break, trauma, accident. If any one factor can lead to depression, imagine someone experiencing more than one.

Here are some depression symptom you should know about.

A life of Pain and Distress

1997 – a year of heart break. My first real broken heart. I have broken up with persons before, felt hurt, sad and dejected but Craig was different. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was busy with church; the choir, training to be a Sunday school teacher, prayer group, missionary group, youth group, you name it.

It started one night when he offered to walk me home. It wasn’t a far journey, just a very lonely road. First he stayed for a few minutes, then ten, then 30 then hours and hours. We talked about everything. It had gotten clear that something was between us and we started discussing marriage. He told me he wasn’t quite ready but that he wanted to marry me. The decision was that we had to at least get engaged in order not to get in trouble with church as our church has strict rules about relationships and marriage.

One night he stayed too late and we decided to just spread a blanket on the veranda and talk until morning. Bad idea! We made love. I didn’t want to do it again but he kept wanting to. I refused. The church board found out because he was a blabber mouth. We were both reprimanded and put on probation. When questioned by our pastor about what transpired, to save his own neck, he told him that I was the one who seduced him.

He tried to apologize to me and wanted to resume our relationship but was still not ready to get married; I would have none of that. He, refusing to admit to our relationship in a clean manner and taking the next step and get engaged was devastating to me. I was booked on a trip to the Cayman Islands that summer and I went without knowing how I would get through it.

I stood on the pier and looked out wishing I could just jump in. the tears flowed so hard, I never felt such desolation for all of my 26 years of existence. For the seven days I spent in Cayman I was miserable, desolate, despairing and angry. How could he do that to me and still wanted to have sex with me? I wasn’t forcing him to marry me. I never asked him to marry me. How could he lie like that? He broke me. I could feel the pain in my chest where my heart broke over and over whenever I thought about him, which was all the time.

I made anger my friend and decided never to speak to him again. He came back wanting to sleep with me and I gave him a good you know what, thinking I could give him a taste to let him know what he would never have. I think it worked for he never stopped hounding me and I never gave him the time of day. I told him to leave me alone.

Stop asking "why me".

(1) Literally look in the mirror, take your clothes off first, look at the things about your body that are nice, like the smoothness of your skin, the color of your eyes, the shape of your breasts. don't see the things you hate, try finding the things that make other people think you are beautiful. keep doing it until you see them.

(2) Do a task and accomplish it, meaning finish it and double check it. Admire it not once but over and over until you realize that you did that. You may wonder "did I do that?".

(3) Whenever you are kind to someone, tell yourself that you are a good person , over and over until you believe it.

(4) Whenever you feel down that is the day you look your best, wear something great, put on make-up if you are a female. Go get a haircut, a pedicure, manicure or go out to lunch. When people admire you beam and smile and go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Try to see what they see.

I know these suggestions all sound superficial but trust me it's just the beginning of making yourself better. When you can start seeing the physical as beautiful in a while the inner person will start feeling better.

Thanks for taking the time to read this painful story about the girl from Jamaica. One love!!

Before I bore you to death let me summarize:-

1986 – raped by church brother

1996 – broken heart

1996 – trauma; major surgery for endometriosis

1999 – trauma; hysterectomy (total pelvic clearance)

1999 – being told I could not have any children

2003 – loss of employment

2005 – failed business

2005 – Used by boyfriend

2006 – January started a new job which turned out to be the worse nightmare yet. The business was in debt. My former boss who was a friend asked me to help him rebuild the business. As it turned out he was just fronting as the Manager in order to bring back some sort of reputation to the business. I also knew the rightful owner but not very well.

There were times when the boss disappeared and could not be reached. I stupidly would use my savings and credit cards to pay staff and utilities, thinking I would get back my money. Both credit cards are now useless, I’m in debt up to my ears because of that business that I grew attached to. I wanted to see the business grow and yes to some point it did. But as soon as things started to get better the boss showed up and used the money and we went back to square one. I wanted to buy the business from him but he owed too much on the business, it would not be wise to buy all that debt.

Anyway there were times when I locked myself in the apartment and did not want to get out of bed. There was one time I thought that people were outside to get me and could not go to work. The man who saved me was my former boss who happens to be the best friend one could hope for. He helped me to understand that there were no men outside wanting to ‘get’ me. He made me understand that it was all in my head and I was having a nervous breakdown.

He helped me by giving me back my old job (he just did it for me as the position did not exist anymore). I started doing self-defense again and all the physical activities I used to do. My confidence slowly returned and I started to realize how beautiful I was both inside and out. I decided that when I could pay my credit card bills I would, but I was not going to get another nervous breakdown because of debt. I told the collections agency to take me to court or leave me alone instead of hiding every time they called.

My life is the way it should be. I look back and know that I had to go through all of the above in order to be that strong person I am today. If my story can help someone I am even happier. I did not get therapy. I healed myself from the inside. It was like a slow rebirth, painful but worth it. I don’t feel shattered, desperate for love and attention, desperate to kids, to feel like a woman any more. I feel a sense of peace. I love me for who I am and it doesn’t matter what you think. The most important person now is me. If I can’t love me first then I can’t love you.

For all the persons out there who have gone through any of the trials I have, don’t despair, find someone to talk to. If you don’t have anyone close, talk to me. I would love to help. One of the things that helped me most was writing about it. I found it very healing to do so.

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Comments 42 comments

okmom23 profile image

okmom23 5 years ago from Midwest, U.S.A.

Excellent hub, very timely in this economy. Thank you for sharing your feelings and suggestions. Well done!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Okmom23. I appreciate the positive remark.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

You're pretty, you're smart, and you're one heck of a good writer. This old man already adores you and sees no reason why you should not love yourself too.

You have a lot to offer.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thanks WillStarr, you're making my head swell.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Good. Give yourself a well deserved hug and get to writing young lady!


Eric Prado profile image

Eric Prado 5 years ago from Webster, Texas

Awesome hub! I can truly relate. I feel you. I really do. I vote up and will follow =)


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Hi Eric, You have made my day! Thanks a million.


capncrunch profile image

capncrunch 5 years ago from New Orleans

Hey Cardisa,

Wow! You really don't know what a person has gone through until they give you some insight. Thank you for opening up and letting some of your life out! You write it down well.

And always remember your beauty.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Capncrunch, You make me blush. Thank you. You're wonderful!


Lesleysherwood 5 years ago

Cardisa. Thank-you for sharing your experience. It gives hope to those suffering and shows that it is possible to come through lifes hard times.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Lesley, I really hope my experiences can be of help to someone else.

Cardisa


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I am so glad that your brother answered your call for help and that you are here today. Even though you may have thought at the time you were calling people to say good-bye I tend to think it was a cry for help. You are a beautiful woman and I am glad to know you through hubpages.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Susan,I feel the same way about you, glad to know you too.

I think you are right about the cry for help, because after everything is said and one, we really want to live.

Thank you so much

Cardisa


Mike Cleveland 5 years ago

Excellent article! For another view on the theory of depression being a disease, and for real help, see http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/cross-c...


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Mike, will be visiting your site.


blondey profile image

blondey 5 years ago

Absolutely beautiful, Cardisa, I had no idea because of the confident sassy woman you are today. God bless you!


blondey profile image

blondey 5 years ago

I sent you an email :)


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Hi Blondey, I replied to your email, hope you got it.

Thanks, I am confident and sassy because I got passed the depression with the help of friends. Writing also helps, getting out what you feel on paper or the computer.

Never be afraid to express yourself!

Love

Cardisa


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

What's funny Cardisa is that a few hours ago I published this essay/poem: http://hubpages.com/literature/The-Cycle-of-Depres...

I found it coincidental to see your story in the HubFeed and I feel like I can relate. Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed reading this article.

JSMatthew~


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Hi JS, what I have come to realize is that a lot people we least expect can relate to things we have gone through in life and that makes sharing the experiences more meaningful.


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Cardisa, I think that's the core of the HubPages Community. No matter where we are from, color, race or religion, we can all relate in one way or another. We are all Human and have similar experiences; it's how we share them, that defines us. I am so glad to meet you here on HubPages! Thank you for you!

JSMatthew~


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Ditto that JS. I want to thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me too....and I am honored to meet you too.


Anaydena profile image

Anaydena 5 years ago from Arlington, TX, USA

I feel your pain. Though my story's events that led up to my depression, attempted suicide, and break down were different. I was raped by my eldest brother (1/2 brother really), I feel you so much on this post! I'm so totally following you. I hope everything's well now and know that you have opened my eyes to some of my inside feelings as well. Thank you.


J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I assure you Cardisa, it's my pleasure! Thank you!

JSMatthew~


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Hello Anaydena, thank you for taking the time to read. I hope that my story will be of help. I am happy now and my life is the way it should be.

If you need to talk to someone please do not hesitate to contact me from my profile page. I really hope that you are on your way of healing.

Have a wonderful evening.


novascotiamiss profile image

novascotiamiss 5 years ago from Nova Scotia, Canada

Cardisa, you are an inspiration! Keep it that way.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Miss Novascotiamiss. I try to do my best...(blushing and beaming)!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 5 years ago from UK

Hello Cardisa,

How brave and kind of you to share your story. And how wonderful that you have come through your hard times to find healing.

I’d like to highlight three sentences of yours that I was particularly struck by:

"My life is the way it should be. I look back and know that I had to go through all of the above in order to be that strong person I am today."

"If I can’t love me first then I can’t love you.”

"Stop asking "why me”.”

I think these show deep wisdom, if we could all remember these at all times how different our world could be.

Thank you for commenting on my hub and I look forward to reading more of yours.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Melovy. I am deeply honored that you think my words wise. Thanks for reading and leaving such positive comments.


novascotiamiss profile image

novascotiamiss 5 years ago from Nova Scotia, Canada

Cardisa, I liked your point 3 best: Whenever you are kind to someone, tell yourself that you are a good person , over and over until you believe it.

Depressed people only think of themselves and their own misery. By being kind to someone else you are already making an effort to lift yourself out of the depression. Depression is a very lonely act, being kind is social.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica Author

Novascotiamiss.

You make the point so well, the fact that you can do something for someone else means there is hope yet.

Thanks for your enlightening comment.


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 4 years ago from Upstate New York

You told this story so truly and so well that my heart is with you, hoping for every good thing to follow, now that you've got all the bad things out of the way.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica Author

Paradise7, thank you again. I believe letting it out is all a part of the therapy. Telling the story is similar to seeing a psychiatrist, most of the time all the patient does is talk anyway!

Thanks again and please have a peaceful and blessed holidays!


Eunice Stuhlhofer profile image

Eunice Stuhlhofer 4 years ago

Thanks for sharing your story with courage and hope. You are a woman of strength. Wishing you God's blessings for years to come. Voted useful!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica Author

Thank you Eunice. Thanks for reading and leaving such a positive and wonderful comment. I really appreciate it.

Have a wonderful day.


paul 4 years ago

what a wonderful lady you are .i had a breakdown 5 months ago i closed my business and went into shut down mode for 3months wanting to kill myself thinking i could not go on with life ,coming from a childhood of mental and physical abuse attempting suicide 3 times as a teenager ,now on agas coarse trying a fresh start becoming stronger every day ,with gods help ,suffer little children that come on to me , i would love to talk to you about my life in more detail , as reading your story has given me much strength ,god blesses the ones he loves and i no he has blessed you god bless and lots of love paul


Misha 4 years ago

Thanks for your story. So there is the other side, huh? I've just faced the music that my 7 year-old business is a goner. Divorce, joint custody, no family, falling out with some friends, impending bankruptcy...you name it, I'm going through it right now.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica Author

Misha, thanks for stopping by. I just want to say, don't give in to the stress that is threatening to take you down. Trust me, I have been there. What I found out is when I fight too hard I tend to lose. When I relax and sit step back, assess my situations and take it one step at a time, I win.

I really hope you come back to read this because I feel for you and hope you will step back from every thing. Take a few days away somewhere where no one can bother you, maybe where you can get in touch with nature. Take your best friend or someone you trust and just work out a new game plan. Usually you think more clearly when you are not thinking too much.


Misha 4 years ago

Thanks for your response, Cardisa. I did just that by getting away in nature for a few days. It helped me to recharge my batteries to better deal with this crisis. I'm not out of the weeds yet but one foot is in front of the other. I make a list of "things to do today" which could be as simple as doing the dishes, taking a shower, checking the mail, smiling at the cashier at a grocery store. Baby steps. Also I am repeating my mantra of "The best is all I can do and the only thing that's constant is change".

Thanks for your input :)


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica Author

Misha, I have been thinking about you. I am so happy that you got a new perspective on the situation. I like how you are dealing with it. Be strong and everything will be fine. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me throuhg the contact link on my profile.

Have a great day.


Tiffany 3 years ago

It was very good of you to share your story. Thanks a lot. I am going through a painful break up from someone I love and yesterday I was feeling suicidal. Reading your story helped me a lot though. I have had depression for a long time and this break up from my loved one just made the depression so strong. I know that life will go on though. Thanks again for sharing. You are a beautiful person.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 3 years ago from Jamaica Author

Hi Tiffany, whenever I read responses like this tears just come to my eyes. I feel so blessed that I could help to save at least one more person from doing something drastic. Thank you. It is readers like you who inspire me to keep sharing my personal experiences. If you happen to return to this post, please know that you are welcome to talk to me anytime.

Best regards.

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