Google-Eyed Slim Jim Jogs

Not only does Google-Eyed Slim Jim jog, but also Google-Eyed Slim Jim saves energy. And not just the energy that would have been consumed by his hybrid, had he chosen to drive wherever he’s going rather than jog.

No, Slim Jim saves energy in lots of unique ways. You’ll note for example, that Slim Jim stares off into the vague middle distance (sort of like that last walleye you caught on your brother-in-law’s charter, after it stopped flopping around on the deck). This saves Slim Jim substantial energy that would otherwise be wasted looking this way and that, up and down, and focusing.

Examine carefully, too, how Slim Jim keeps his arms and hands tucked rigidly at his side. No sense wasting precious energy flapping away like some errant buzzard seeking roadkill. And each tightly-jegginged leg subtends a precise geometric angle fashioned for optimum forward thrust with minimal frictional displacement against terrain. (Why even his shadow is energy-efficient!)

And let’s not forget those earbuds! Oh no, Slim Jim is not, as you might at first think, mind-soaring and dream-air-guitaring to Boston’s More Than a Feeling. Uhn-uhn. Slim Jim is simply using those earbuds as earplugs, so he can listen to the wonderful white noise of his own cranial synapses snapping (once every 39.5 seconds). In the process, he’s saving all the energy that would otherwise be consumed by unneeded batteries, the manufacture and packaging and marketing and shipping and purchase of one more iPod, and the exertion of downloading any classic oldies.