Guilt And Co-Dependency>Part 2 of 4

The weight!

How much are you carrying
How much are you carrying

What's guilt got to do with it?

You might ask why guilt would have anything to do with co-dependency? The answer may be quite simple. Trying to make up for something we feel we may not have provided to someone else, whether it be protection from something or we may feel we didn't pay enough attention to something or we feel we didn't pick up on a persons time of need which we feel could have caused them much harm if we had only done something to prevent it. We feel responsible

So...the BIG question is: Are we trying to make up for it by fulfilling someone elses needs so as to prevent the same thing from re-ocurring? Guilt is a killer and can create major stress which can lead a person to do almost anything to ease the pain/impact of it.

Being co-dependant is HUGE. Guilt is HUGE and disabling. To become co-dependent you must have something buried deep inside that hasn't been resolved and when that something hasn't been resolved it will come up and effect us and every relationship we become involved in thereby disabling them as well and the sign/signal that will make us become aware of it is we go into the protect mode. We begin providing. To protect we must provide even at the cost of our own well being. This now becomes our priority.

Their problems take presetence over everything. When they call we drop everything. We jump at their beconed call. If there's anything we can do we do it without question. We find the answers and offer the solutions to everything no matter how BIG or small. We have an answer for everything and if we don't we'll find it. We are the rescuers!

To think of them ever having their feelings hurt is devastating to us. Why we'll even go so far as to take the blame for everything to keep from rocking the boat! The goal (our goal) is for their comfort and enjoyment/peace of mind, again putting our feelings on the back burner. For us as care-takers we can't handle being the cause of anything.

So why is it that we feel we can't handle being the cause/reason for anything that might disturb another? Because we already feel we are and we are devastated enough by that experiance and adding anymore guilt would make us crumble. Our job/responsibility is to promote/create happiness and we will take the fall to do just that.

We as care-takers take on all the feelings/emotions and if we can't fix it nobody can. No matter how frustrated, stressed or depressed we may become we get the job done. But it doesn't stop there. Why we're ready to take on the world. The load is heavy but our shoulders are BIG! Anything to keep someone from suffering because we would feel the GUILT if they did. Afterall that's what this is all about.

Never enough. We just can't seem to do enough. It's never enough and guess what...it never will be because it's we who are doing the measuring and thr truth is.....nothing will ever be enough. God forbid if we ever ran across someone who is measuring too. We'd be broke and on the streets! We're actully being parents to grown-ups.

So are we playing god in this equasion? If it looks like a duck it probably is a duck and where on earth did we get such an idea??? If we can't see it for what it is there's a HUGE problem. I mean...Take a good look at it! We need to take a more realistic look at ourselves (if we could take our eyes off of them for one second). We're so caught up in other peoples problems that  we may never have time for us. Time to see what a mess we are. We're too busy playing god!

We're letting this care-taking thing have power over our well being, our future, our destiny and whether we want to believe it or not...power over them as well. We have taken the reigns and we're taking control of someone elses life and because of it we have lost control of our own, for God know's how long. It's actually sucking the very life from us. Can you feel it?

Take a moment and feel it.

Make sure their happy...Make sure their ok....Make sure. You want more for them than you want for yourself. You've proven it. You've even gone so far as to make yourself sick. Your well being has taken the back seat. You've lost all concept of reality. What's real and what is'nt. It's become our priority....even if it kills us.....and it may. WOW!

I don't think one realizes just how sick they've become or how much help they actually need to recover from this weight they have been carrying. This overwelming darkness that we have been drawn into and trapped. Deep down we know whats happening but because we feel we deserve to pay the price for failing someone else it has now become bigger than us and we have become a slave to it's wrath. We keep pushing until it chokes the very life from us. It needs to stop....so how do we stop it?

It will take a lot of re-training and re-thinking and allowing God in. Yes God. To stop being afraid of what may or may not happen. If we just took a small break. We're not trusting God-We're playing god-We're being god. We are controlling another's destiny and we've trown our's to the wayside. If one does not sow, one will not reap. One needs to sow. We're trying to answer prayer that only God can answer. We're doing what only God can do and He is willing and is able to do so much more....if we let Him.

Letting go will bring a feeling of loss/grief because we will feel we have abandoned someone. Extreme guilt may set in but we need to remember that it is we who has fallen victim to this guilt, and it is we who need to overcome the grip/force it has had upon us. No one is going to die unless God says so.....we should'nt be so hard on ourselves. Whether we believe it or not this has had more of an effect on us than anyone else. We have abandonment issues and we're trying to come to terms with them. We need to recover. Healing needs to take place and for once in our lives I think it's time we started focusing on that. God will see us through......and them as well. Thank you for listening/reading my story. I hope it helps someone else. I pray it does. Thank you.

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Comments 8 comments

no body profile image

no body 6 years ago from Rochester, New York

The severity of the symtoms you discribe are very disturbing if they result from intentions that were quite different. I can see where someone would feel they were simply "there" for someone and it be destroying the person all along. If I found out that I had done that or was doing that to a person it would be devastating to me. Pray that I never do that. I am a simple man and not always that perceptive. Thank you for another hub to make one think. Fellowship and caring is what the Scripture says to do and I wonder what effect I've had on people over the years. Love you sister.


TimeHealsAll profile image

TimeHealsAll 6 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

There was never any intentions to hurt anyone, only to help. This is the only intention a care-taker has. Being a care-taker/co-dependent means we will go overboard (too far) in helping someone (over limits/bounderies). When you do everything for them, they aren't learning anything for themselves. A care-giver does it all for them. Being "there" for someone is quite the opposite of what a care-taker does. A care-taker is constantly trying to take on everything. Solving problems on a daily basis. In other words, not giving the other person the opportunity to do something for themselves. Care-takers are the "fix it all" type person. They don't have faith in others to have the ability to do for themselves. In a normal situation one would simply offer advise and hope it helped, but with a care-taker they would make sure/constantly do a follow up to make sure it was done. One should allow for improvement and not be overbearing. You can care for someone and offer suggestions, but one should never take over a persons life. Even tho the intentions are good, it can be distructive if the other person never had the opportunity to figure it out for themselves or learn from their mistakes especially if they were'nt put in the position to have to. Care-taking is taking on the persons role/place/responsibilites in life. One needs to take on their own and the care-taker should allow them to. It's like being a parent to a grown-up and your really not their Mom. Love you too brother!


Judah's Daughter profile image

Judah's Daughter 6 years ago from Roseville, CA

A person can't even begin to write about such things unless they've lived it and opened their EYES to this problem.

I think about drug users, alcoholics, abusers of all sorts, who might even end up in prison ~ how they blame everyone ELSE for THEIR issues. Many times it started with the parents doing this to their children; the children are raised to feel responsible for everything that went wrong in the family, and responsible to fix it.

Selfish people blame others for every mistake or mishap. They will literally LIE to make excuses for things that are their own fault. They deceive themselves first and foremost. It's very hard for functional people to survive in dysfunction without taking control ~ It's terribly sad. They truly have to learn to 'let go and let God'.

There are many passages in the Bible that tell Christians to love thier enemies, feed and clothe, give to the poor, don't neglect the 'needs' of their own flesh and blood, etc. Satan loves these passages, for they are quoted and used by those who 'remind' Christians of their 'Christian' duty to take care of them?! You are so wise, as we talked this morning, that our response to THEM should be, "It's not Christian to use drugs, to lie, to steal, to neglect your children, etc. You are suffering because of your own disobedience to God." Hallelujah!

May God grant us serenity to accept the things [i.e. people] we cannot change, the courage to change the things [i.e. ourselves] we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


TimeHealsAll profile image

TimeHealsAll 6 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

Right on Judah's Daughter! Thou shalt not lie, Thou shalt not steal etc; and riddle their bodies with drugs and alcohol and abandon their children to boot? Talk about denial and irresposibility! For someone to make a comment to a "Christian"(somone who lives by/obeys the word of God) by saying they should do the christian thing by supplying ALL their needs while they are doing prison time after committing such violations is unthinkable! That's like a mockery to God! To say to God "well look at me, I am using drugs, I am abusing alcohol and I just robbed a bank, now where are you and why aren't you taking care of me?". Reward me for my selfishness and if you don't, you don't love me! I don't see God taking this lightly! LOL! There are so many issues that come with co-dependency. Abandonment issues, self esteem issues, responsibility issus, etc; which in some cases (when one refuses to take responsibility for their actions/inactions)leads to the reliance on another to fill/compensate for, to rescue, provide for and protect them from realizing/becoming aware of the state that their in which keeps them in denial. One needs to become aware of what got them in this mess to begin with and think about their behavior/actions and the consequences. I do not believe in having to prove one's love by way of providing. Either one love's or they don't. If one chooses to disobey God they will suffer the consequences of disobedience. There is only one way to recover and that is to realize one's irresponsibility and start taking responsibility and to seek God's help to overcome the sinner they've become and to stop disobeying God. Another commandment they need to live by is "Thou shall love the Lord thy God with ALL thy heart! Amen sis!!!


creativeone59 profile image

creativeone59 6 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

Thank you TimeHealsAll, you're correct, it always up to us to make the right decisions on how to handle things in our lives, and not trying to fix everyone lses. Thank you for a very enlighting hub. Godspeed. creativeone59


TimeHealsAll profile image

TimeHealsAll 6 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

You are so right creativeone59. If we could just manage our own lives that in itself would be a step well taken. You can't fix anyone unless they are in agreement and in most cases they aren't ready. One has to be ready and willing, otherwise you'll be knocking your head against a brick wall and all you'll get in return...is a headache. Blessings my friend!


Lovewalk profile image

Lovewalk 5 years ago from usa

Hello!

very good message.

I had been holding on to unfogiveness myself for years.

because I had done very wrong things in my past.

I felt so guilty.....

I didn't know about God back in then,

I was telling myeslf there is no forgiveness for me

I must feel guilty because I had to take a responsibility

for my action.

I was in the power of darkness ..even I didn't

realize it.. spiritually speaking

long story is short

God saved me from hell. he reach out to me.

when God saved me by his grace, Love, mercy

that day, strong but sweet spirits came upon me

immediately my guilt was gone. disappear!

when we mistakes, we feel guilty or feel bad

but don't let negative emotion control you

we must learn from it. and move on with God

we must focus on God, walk with him daily

God bless!


Delia Bellamy 5 years ago

Thank God for fellowship in all sense of the word....

mentally thrill, through the grace of God I am willing and able...God bless you all ....mind body , spirit, prayers of being stable....say yes! I hear you lord! God strengthens all! change is growth...love you all for sharing....serenity now! let go , let God! responcibility of pure esistance of what God chooses our journey to be....amen! always , always

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