Happiness is hunting me down

Believe in the reasons light follows you

Glimpes of light

It cannot all be sad... there are glimpses of light so bright, so brilliant, that they cause me to hold on and wait for the next one. Just a flash, of warmth and perfection. Enough for me to know it is there. And I don't know why I am loved, for I don't love myself. It is unfathomable. Some twisted irony of the universe that I would push away happiness and it would hunt me down relentlessly until I agree to grasp hold of its bright strands and come along for the ride.

I cannot explain this inherent, subconscious need to suffer. To push away joy seems irrational when I speak of it aloud, but it seems I have a soul hell-bent on complexity instead of contentment. So many times in life, I had what I thought I would not be lucky enough to have, yet I ran from it, greedy for the sorrow of the shadows. Experiences, time and lack of connecting; they are culprits. As are dreaming big, longing for more, and desiring a beautiful and perfect life. They are my dearest enemies. Now as I stand, with what many would long for, I find myself wondering what is around the next corner, in the next city, country. What joy is there to be discovered yet? If I am content with what I have now, I will lose my hunger for finding what else I could truly be. I may never discover who and what I can attain if I stop now... even for happiness, I can't stop.

Something tells me that happiness desires me too. That it wants the ones it cannot have. So it will keep hunting me down, and maybe one day, i will surrender.

Comments 5 comments

elayne001 profile image

elayne001 6 years ago from Rocky Mountains

I read your hub about the light. I too feel the light at times and when I am down, I cling to it. It gives me hope. Thanks for sharing.


russiangypsygirl profile image

russiangypsygirl 6 years ago Author

Thank you so much for your kind words, Elayne. I am trying to be more open of myself and share my thoughts. It really gives me a connection to others. I hope you will read more as I post more. Thanks for reading.


nicholsgirl 6 years ago

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? Because no one believed in us when it mattered? Those glimpses of light show us how it really is - hopeful.


russiangypsygirl profile image

russiangypsygirl 23 months ago Author

I think that is the reason, Nicholsgirl. Too many times our small doubts are reinforced by those around us, and they grow and grow and overwhelm us. We can only hold on for that next moment of light.


russiangypsygirl profile image

russiangypsygirl 23 months ago Author

I think that is the reason, Nicholsgirl. Too many times our small doubts are reinforced by those around us, and they grow and grow and overwhelm us. We can only hold on for that next moment of light.

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