Happy to Sad in moments
Self-reflection is a great quality to have. Yet, sometimes it can be a destructive force in your life if you are unable to be honest with yourself. We must always take care when in the face of self-reflection because the range of human emotion is not without merit and most of us take it for granted. The line of love and hate is so fine that sometimes we aren’t even sure where we stand. I sometimes find myself wondering about the reality of true happiness. In my most confused and emotional moments in which, we all find ourselves sooner or later, I seem to understand the purity of it more. My friends when growing up asked me many times why I choose to write music with such a depressive state of mind, of course I was a teenager and I am sure that had much to do with it, but that was not it fully. I had an erratic childhood. My parents for what it’s worth did what they could but we all have our limitations and I have come to terms with that.
I was distraught, headstrong and in the midst of insanity. But regardless how I feel things should or shouldn’t have been throughout my life, I think that I look at happiness as a state of mind that is always moving. As a teenager, I wanted to achieve bliss. To find the perfect comfort found in happiness but what I found is that they are two very different things. The achievement of bliss is where we tend to make this mistaken correlation with capturing happiness. If we think of happiness as a flowing and always changing state, we can then grasp onto the thought that Bliss can only be reached when you accept happiness even in your weakest or saddest moments.
It is my belief, that when we strive for happiness in an attempt to achieve this bliss, we tend to become overcome in sadness instead. I know from my own life experiences that this road is a trap in and of itself. Many times, we fill our need for this through consumerism and having a goal of a certain status. These things are not inherently bad of course and if achieved or done in the proper mind state can help in bringing that bliss closer. On the other hand, the fault in these actions can be easily brought out by greed and the attempt to replace or forget things that have yet to be dealt with. The goal in self-reflection is to achieve happiness, where in the worst of times you can still look at your life as an accomplishment.
In my attempts to reach out for happiness, to control it and force it into being, I have failed many times. When I was younger, I reached out for my parents to be more perfect. To be more like the image of the parents my mind told me they should be. In my relationships, I shifted that need to the need to feel perfect in love. In my first marriage, I turned that need of perfect love into a cage for myself. In my attempt to be happy I made a number of bad moves. In the beginning, I was selfish. I was in college and the future was the most important thing to me. I was under fire to quit school and did not want to. My fault in the matter was not being able to trust. So instead of finding a way to make it work I quit school instead. Throughout the marriage, I let that failure and the fact that I was unable to pursue a life in music send me into a battle to be "Normal". We wanted a house, a new car and nice things. I went along with it but I was dying inside. The search for happiness turned on me and I became depressed. In the end, my depression and her disappointment in my choices and her love of, let's just say, “Freedom” destroyed us. I let the depression and the disappointment in myself blind me. What I really was looking for was unattainable bliss not happiness.
Since the divorce, I have realized that in all my soul searching I had left out the biggest truth, acceptance. I did not accept that I had to work harder, that I had to be silent at times and completely truthful at others. I did not accept that my life was going to be different then what I dreamed it would be. So, I began the healing process and it brought me here. My acceptance of these faults and misconceptions has made me realize that the road we walk, filled with the hope that it will help us find happiness, is elusive. Until we see that it is a flowing emotion and that the perfect bliss is not the key to happiness we shall never be rid of the sadness in happiness. I realized that we must flow with it, accept the sadness and even embrace it. Accept and embrace the anger. Accept these thoughts and feelings as one big road to bliss. Learn, accept and change, this is the flow of happiness within sadness. I know we will have our days of pain but the choice is yours to look into the mirror and be happy with who you are.
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This is a short fiction piece that deals with depression and is meant to spread awareness. If you are offended by graphic readings or are under the age of 18 this may not be a good read for you.
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