I Beat My Gambling Addiction, Or Did it Beat me?

So... What do you say,

Hi, This is my first Hub.

Okay, what if you don't have any Hobbies, is that normal, their must be something we all like doing,

This is a review of the emotions i went through 17-20, although it was 3-4 years ago, i remember everything like it was yesterday. Give me your opinions...

Three Years ago i was beginning, what was to become " A Compulsive Obsession" through gambling. I didn't realise it at the time, but the amounts i gambled progressed over three years.

In January of 2009 i decided to stop gambling as a few unfortunate events occurred. I did Gamble even before my Obsession started, but i noticed it began to look more like a problem when i hit 18 ( i.e Internet gambling was then available ). Looking back on the whole situation now i can see all my time was taken up feeding this addiction, i never had any money so, as a result i was indoors a lot of the time. It caused so many unbearable problems/moments with my long-term girlfriend ( at the time ) that i didn't know what to do, obviously i was oblivious to what was going on around me. I became scruffy, mean and also a compulsive liar, i cannot describe the feeling i got when i gambled, their certainly was a buzz when i won which i craved for. When i lost everything their was also an empty "What am i going to do now" feeling which i also felt an addiction for, i felt now i had a challenge to make this mess right again anyway i could, but how?

1st of January 2009 hit, i remember getting home, it was very dark at 6pm that day. As i strolled down the garden path, entered my house, i felt a rush of excitement run through my body as i knew i could gamble now, my first thought, is the computer on or not? I knew my partner was home, she didn't matter, nothing did. I Ran up the stairs missings some as i climbed, bursting open the first door i came too.."My room". it was dark, i didn't think for a moment why, i turned the lights on looking for a place to throw my work things and continue to my computer, "This is the Life" i thought. 'Wait' as i stopped thinking about gambling, i looked around my room, it was different, 'something aint right! Focus'. My room was empty, my Girlfriend's things had all gone, she had left me. My honest first impression was amazement she had actually gone through with it, but at the same time i was relieved i could gamble without aggrivation. This was amazing, this is what i wanted to do forever and know i could. Where was she?, i didn't care. The night progressed i had nothing else on my mind, being inconciderate came naturally, i was too used to it. I gambled with out worry, the feeling of winning, nothing could compare, i felt as if i was flying for hours, nobody can make me feel like this. I stayed in this state until it was 4am... by then i had lost every penny i had, 'Karma struck' my body began to heat up, a rush of anger had taken over me, i slammed the laptop and looked around, everyone had gone to sleep, they had work in the morning, but so did i. It hit me harder than anything ever has " What am i doing". The moment i closed the laptop, i left cyber gambling world, the world i craved and thought about every moment, i came quickly back to reality, it all made sense now, what i was doing wasent me, something has taken over, much more powerful, i burst into tears feeling myself crumbling. Was this me realising what i had become, Or was i realising i had no money left so i couldent gamble even if i wanted to... i was lying to myself, any money that came my way, i would turn into that person again. I stood up, my legs aching, the house so quiet, i glanced at myself in a mirror hanging in the hall. I saw a wreck inside, 'i need help, i used to be so observant and carefull, what happened to me' I turned feeling dizzy, almost lifeless climbing the stairs, one step at a time, finding my room. It hit me hard that night, no sleep, full of worry, with nothing but a cold bed.

Three days pass, it was clear my girlfriend wasent coming back anytime soon or even at all. I can't exactly describe how i was feeling or what i did in these 3 days but i know i was in a dark place, emotionally. I start to remember January 4th, it was around midnight, my girlfriend hasent answered her phone in 4 days, this isn't like her, she could never keep away before. Theirs something more to this than i think, would she not just come back if i promise to stop gambling, words didn't mean anything anymore. As i think more into it, i start to remember my girlfriends past and how she suffered a loss in the family due to addiction, Someone she had an uncontrollable love for taken away by his obsession, her dad. It was clear now, anything i have said or done in the past lies with my girlfriend all the lies i kept hidden, eveyone will know. The advice she would be given now did everything but to help me, how can i save this!

January 5th,

I'ts early, 5.30am, i have work, any messages on my phone...No.

My walk to work took around 25mins that morning it felt like 5... I can't do this, i can't stop thinking about her, i thought. What's the time, 8am, She will still be sleeping now, perhaps if i ring her, i will catch her off guard and she will answer. No, still no luck. I reached work, put my stuff in the back room and took a deep breath, just get through today... i thought. "Hey, How are you" i looked around, "Never been better" then laughed. To everyone i looked fine, they had no idea. It comes so easily now to hide any emotion, to keep it all inside, but as soon as i am alone, it strikes. 2.30pm, "just gonna use the bathroom" i rushed of, finding my phone, any messages.... No! Can't she see my missed calls what's going on! I typed her number in, please please please answer, the phone rings and rings, when..."What do you want!!".

After 3 Years, not one day apart, was she happy to hear my voice after 4 days of no hearing from me?

I burst into tears, "Baby, iv missed you, im going mad here", she always said she couldent bear to hear me cry, but it had no effect, why! " Scott, i have to go, please stop calling", what! " Ill stop gambling, i haven't bet anything for 4 days now!, please meet up with me somewhere anywhere ", I couldent control my emotions, my body started to shake. " You haven't gambled for 4 days, is that because you lost all of your mone....." She stopped, "I have to go", is this effecting her at all, i thought she loved me. I know now this was silly, but when your that low i believe you will use anything. "Please don....." The phone went dead, i dropped to my knees, i remember making noises iv never made before as i cried, helpless ones.

" Reading this now just reminds me of so much, i can't believe this is what an addiction does to you, i always said i never had an addiction, but clearly i did and it ruled my every thought "

Throughout all this mess i made the best choice of my life, somehow. I joined a class full of strangers all with gambling problems. As i entered, it was a small room, with ten tables, in a C shape all placed neatly together. I felt extremely nervous, looking around, there was around 20 Guys.. all looking at me. " Hi Can we help? " an old man spoke, sat in the centre of the room. " Im looking for the gamblers annonymous room", He pointed to a chair, and i sat. We would stand and talk about our situations on how gambling has effected all of our lives and try to keep each other motivated. Roughly 20 Men appeared week after week until on the fith week Hanne Started, the first girl i had seen here. I was intrested to hear her story i couldent take my eyes off her. I listened with interest and showed interest as she spoke, I knew at that moment, maybe going to that class wasent such a bad idea. As the class to an end that day i made sure i left the room first and began to walk slowly down the road, searching for my headphones, thinking about what Hanne had spoken about. I felt i already knew her, everything she had spoken about i could relate to after all i was an addicted gambler just like she was. Why was i thinking about her already, was I desperate for someone as i felt lonely at that point...? I found my Headphones at the back of my pocket, I slowly began to un-tangle the wires and place them in my ears until i heard footsteps behind me, "Hey, are you walking this way"... it was Hanne! It didn't matter at that point where she was going or which way i was going, " Yeah, so what you learn today?"

We walked and walked and it rained, she told me how she felt to be the only girl in the room and how awkward it was th speak in front of strangers, i could understand, i still felt very awkward. As we drew closer to her home, the topic changed to her addiction, Hanne gave me an in-sight to how bad this addiction got too and the things she had done to feed her addiction, i could understand everything. " Well im here now" I looked at her as serious as i could, She made me feel warm inside. Normally after my class i'd walk home with my head down thinking about ways i could make everything better, but that didn't matter now. Now i was in control!

After that day, we became closer and closer, talking on the phone throughout the day, we were both doing very well, gambling felt a thing of the past, things were really looking up. As we talked more and more, she began to tell me more about her personal life, that's when i found out she had a little girl, but that didn't phase me, She made me feel great.

March arrived, Saturday, i felt great! Any messages? Oooh 1, " Scott iv been really thinking about this, but i want you to come round to my house, but im afraid of letting you meet my daughter" I guess i could of took that the wrong way, but instead i decided to surprise her and just turn up. I knocked on her door and waited, Hanne opened i could see the excitement in her eyes, she tried to hide it. "Hey, fancy a trip to town" She smiled, "Lucy, go put your coat on for me, were going out to get some food", I heard little footsteps running around, then Lucy appeared. At first i had no idea what to say to her, but as we started walking, it became easier. She told me all her favourite cartoons, her favourite foods and how mummy can't cook. Things were going great, we got some food, then went to the beach.

I felt i had changed in the space of a few months, we grew closer and closer, as i saw her everyday. I told her i wanted us to be different to my last relationship, she agreed. Three months flew by, at that point almost everyday was better than the last, she showed me who i wanted to be, and it came oh so natural!

"At home i was just Scott the middle child, but here i was the man of the house, i felt i had responsibilities, she saw me as a mature adult who could give advice on things i knew nothing about, i can't fully explain, but it meant everything to me."

The Unbeatable Buzz
The Unbeatable Buzz

You Found Me, Buzz

April 29th

April was coming to an end, a typical Wednesday morning at work, nothing really happening. I try to just get my head down and work, the day always seems to fly by so much faster that way.

"Scott" Who was that? "What's up" "Phone!". Humm, looking a the time it must be Hanne.

"Hello"

"Hey, It's me, are you okay to talk?

Holy crap it was my Ex! I had no idea how to handle this, but feeling my heart race as she spoke, i thought it best to remain quiet.

"One of my friends saw you out with another girl, i can't tell you how it made me feel, but i think you should know that im also seeing someone"

I thought for a second, still unable to speak incase i sounded emotional. Why would she phone me after so long to tell me she is seeing someone! I reacted calmly, my heart still beating hard, "Okay...i don't really need to know"

" I hate the fact you have been with someone else, me and Liam haven't done anything together yet, and i don't want to either, i just wanted to tell you, if you finish with Hanne, i want to give me and you another shot, I love you.

This hit me harder than anything before, as i thought about it, everyting we had done in the past came back, how happy i had been, the places and things we had been through. The night i met her, her 19th birthday how amazing she looked. I couldent remember any of the bad moments we had, How could i say no?

That's when Hanne jumped into my head, she had done nothing wrong yet show me something iv never known, the person i wanted to be.

Wait! what if i did get back with my Ex and she left me like she did the first time and by then Hanne would already hate me for leaving! i can't go through the heart-ache of having nobody, Not again!

I began to shake, Adrenaline started to pump, As i thought about seeing them both at the same time, this feeling took over! It felt great, i knew what i was about to do was so very wrong, but the Buzz had already taken control.

I know this feeling! Iv felt you someplace before!

 

Although this was around 2 years ago, i resent doing what i did, but can now share this experience with you, for my next hub, im going to write about what happened next. But only if this one proves to be good for you. It shows my addictive behaviour towards gambling never really left, but showed in other areas that messed me up!

 

Comments 12 comments

Acasia 6 years ago

I thought your story was great and would like to hear what happened next.

Acasia


jadeff 5 years ago

i will always believe in you scott and you can beat this x


John E 4 years ago

Next ?


carl 4 years ago

bit like me that story ..be nice to here the next bit


d j h 3 years ago

i am an ex gambler and I have finally won over it, well I hope I have ,I now feel back to my old self,and believe me it is nice,i feel as if I have been to hell and back,i even took me partner with me and that is the pitts to take the girl I love with me, my thoughts and way of thinking are or should I say were so wrong, I even hurt my partner with horrible gestures and words wich are not me...I have hurt her and now made her hate me through my actions, I have even hurt my dads feelings with the way I was ,and he is dying,,I hate my self now and yes I am ashamed of it,,but now that I am back to my self I have to help and build bridges that I have broken,i hope its not to late,... I don't know if other people will understand me but gambling is a disease and it hurts you more than just in the pocket, it causes health and mind problems ,and a strain on loved ones,.don't let it happen to yous honestly it changes you into the person who you didn't know, I went to a drug weekend dance festivle and the drugs have hurt my mind .but made me better at the same time,they have made me realize that I don't need to be down and sad but to be alive and well,to be happy and full of life,hope some 1 sees this and takes notice, remember if you have problems don't hide them talk to a loved 1 like I did and they will help you,they will not laugh at you ,its not all down it can be good..... has any 1 else been through what I have ,if yes leave some feed back ...............................thanks


Mac D 3 years ago

Hi d j h,

I hear you mate and i know exactly where your coming from.Great story to scott!!!.

I am Now 25 and i have got absolutely nothing to show literally.I have been gambling for close to 10 years now since i was 15-16 and it has mesed my life up so bad.I lost the love of my life we had been together for 6 years and i would of done anything for here she left me 5 months ago and i still thin about her everyday.I just could not stop this stupid addiction it got hold of me i have my own business online and that is messed up now. I have lost £7,000 in this month and over the last couple of years of my own money about £80,000 with winnings i don't want to think about.The thing with me i always win but i can never take it,it always seems like its never enough i play every kind of gambling you can think of scratchcards,lottery,bingo,poker,blackjack,slots, football bets and the one that has ruined my life is roulette in the bookies and casinos.I have never been to a ga and i don't think i will yet i know its me and i can stop but its so hard.I have been so low and just hated myself.one time i lost £9,000 in the casino and i when i was losing i was putting bigger stakes on not thinking just losing and when i was driving home that horrible drive that seems to take hours when its just 20 mins away is horrible.I remember it like it was yesterday it was back in 2012 i was pulling 1 stand of hair out and when i got home i looked in the mirror and ripped it all out and now its not grow back my thick hair people think i have just gone bald fast no.I hide what i did and there have been other times i have been in the bookies betfred and lost £1000 on the machines and my mum and brothers where shouting at me who i love so much but i couldn't take what i done and i stabbed myself in the chest with a knife 12 times and have scars there.My poor mum who is the best in the world and have supported me always and i do this infront of her.What i am trying to say is i have been so low i just want to hurt myself because i am mad.I am finding it so hard to stop after losing everything i had i lost my car now,some of my mates and my love of my life i know its only time before i lose my family.I have also lost my confidence i was always the joker and loving life and having banta and now i can't even do that i lost who i was and i can't socialize in groups like i used to.I went so arrogant with gambling i started selling everything i had in cash generator.I was like i will sell it win and get it back and have money for my self but no i lost it i have finally got it back thanks to my mum.I am just so confused to why i can't stop its effected everything i know i can never get them 10 years back but when you lost everything its shit.I know what your thinking so do you want to be like this in another 10 years or 20 no but i can't stop.This is the first christmas i am spending allow and it sucks i am feeling so lonely all because this addiction.My friend mentioned to me last week you have changed you used to be so funny and it made me realize but then it in one ear and out the other.I really cannot give any advice at the moment but if your listening to my story never ever do gambling as it will effect everything and everyone around you its a joke i know i need stop know and i am going to try my hardest when you win you think that's it when starting off but you will always chase.I am so made because even tonight i have lost £2000 on roulette and what really piss's me off i worry about oh no i can get this or go there and i always seem to win for the occasion but i never take it.Like are wish i could get a mobile i could of i could of got 20 of them even a car with the money i blow it always seems like an excuse and you know the saddest thing about it is i don't even need to gamble.Its just an illness that needs removing.My fear at the age of 25 is that someone in my family will get ill touch wood they don't and then i wouldn't of made them proud this is what will kill me.This is so true because it happened to me the only time i stopped was for 2 weeks when someone close to me got really ill ,it takes something bad to happen to you or someone to make you realize it aint even about the money just be happy with what you have and don't think oh easy money i will gamble because you will probably end up losing the lot.I wish i never got involved with it as i would have a lot of money saved in the bank a house and my ex gf and a kid, a car, my confidence,my mates,good credit,go on holidays, the list really is endless because i can say i have nothing.I always thought i would get a big win but i know its not going to happen i am sick and tired of wasting the best years of my life.People don't respect me anymore they probably think look at that scuff he is on a push bike now at the age of 25... when i had a car it wasn't the best but one day some lad round mine was 17 and i was on foot because i lost my car due to going the casino unisured and he pulled up to me in his knew 2009 astra and i felt like a loser someone that age and i should have it.I just pray to god i can stop so many things are running through my mind like what if something happens to someone in my family and i can't get there because i have no car i fear everything at the moment i even started doing scams to be honest and its not me at all it doesn't matter how i make me money i feel i shouldn't make it because its all going to go anyways i know this.Its the same in the casino i win i lose it was like an elastic band back and too.I really don't know how to build my life back up i haven't got a website anymore i will not go work because i have the attitude oh £170 after tax i can make that in 2 spins on roulette i know its a horrible attitude and i sound ungrateful but its the truth.Its not making the money its being able to keep it i can always get it because i am good at convincing people to lend it me im so kind i will lend £40 and give £100 back... but i don't want to be like this anymore i need help endless times scott did i cry like you but i still do the same shit over and over again.I need find something that i would love to do as a job and because i love it so much i wouldn't count it as a job.This illness of gambling needs to stop someone mentioned about sleep its horrible when you lost at i have been in the casino for 39 hours none stop and have to sign back in because i went over the 24 hours times scale.Now at this point i had nothing to eat loads of coffee and the only way i could walk out of the casino was by blowing all of my money other wise i would of continued.I could not even function i was slurring my words i stunk i didn't care about anything in the real world all i was thinking of is i have £1000 left with my mate where we was going to invest and i messed that up so i went his and got the £1000 and went home but was back at the casino with the £1000 i turned it into £4400 within 2 hours did i walk out no i lost it like i always do and then i had enough and self excluded myself for life the best thing i ever did.I Have done it in other casinos aswell but you can't get away from it the advertising on tv,supercasino on channel five facebook ad's pops ups.I know i can walk into the bookies and get away even if i banned myself there is always some other place/casino that will be open.I hate it so much some of the states i have got myself into over this for example i sold my iphone 4 cheap for like 100 and i went the casino i was down to my last £10 i had no way of getting back home which would have been by taxi/train at the time and i had no phone nothing so i put thee £10 on the 10p roulette and got £269 from £3 as i dropped and then i cashed it went on the tables and got £1700 and i lost the lot and i actually saved £30 for the taxi because i know if i didn't i was going home really bad.SO DON'T DO IT!!!

If there is anyone out there that can give me advice or help i would appreciate it I know nobody can help me i need do it myself i just need to hear something i will be searching the web to see if theres any good books out there to stop gambling.

i have so much to say but i will leave it as this.

God bless you all x


Scozzo_Scotty profile image

Scozzo_Scotty 3 years ago Author

Hello Mac D,

Thank you very much for sharing your story, I am also 25 now and would like to try and offer you all the advise I can to help you through the situation you are in.

Do you have an email address I can contact you on?


Scozzo_Scotty profile image

Scozzo_Scotty 3 years ago Author

Hello Mac D,

Thank you very much for sharing your story, I am also 25 now and would like to try and offer you all the advise I can to help you through the situation you are in.

Do you have an email address I can contact you on?


danny 2 years ago

Gambling has totally ruined my 20-25 days, have lost a lot of money over the years and missed out on a lot of nice things but now I want to change. Seems like trying to get help is like climbing a 30 foot wall. The thing is talking to a family member or friend seems stupid as they don't have the slightest idea what it actually feels like. When your doing it and losing u don't stop and think about the consequences until you've lost the lot. That's when it sinks in what you have really done, everywhere I say I'm never doing it again but when I have money again I say what's ten pound??? Ten leads to twenty , twenty leads to 30 until you've lost the lot or on the small occasion win but as I've realised you never really win as you always return for more thinking your going to win big. It's quite sad and weak for it to take this long to realise I ha e an addiction but I know I can beat it and start enjoying life again with the right support which I know I need but as for now it's stopping, actions mean more than words as my words haven't mea t a lot over the last few years


Angie 2 years ago

Safe Harbor is a very good site for compulsive gamblers, give it a try, it may be helpful.

Best of luck.


Danny 2 years ago

Can honestly say that gambling is nearly a thing of the past now, control is back and do a small football coupon for interest more than anything else. As for roulette machines they are gone and will be for good as they are the worst things ever to get hooked on. Family life is great now x


4 months ago

At a week from 40 and after 24 years i have finally beat my addiction. For my daughter xxxxxxxxxx

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