How Do You Get Over A Loved One's Death?

Letting Go Of Yesterday And Embracing Today

There is one thing that stands above everything I have learned about death, dying and the loss of any loved one, be it a human or an animal. You do not get over it but, you will get through it, and life goes on. I do not mean to sound cold or callous, but I think that survival is the key issue. Death is a part of living. We are on this earth for a limited period of time. The end of life as we know it does not come with a set date, so it seems we always go into a form of shock with the loss. The shock, pain and moarning are natural survival instincts that we just have to endure. Time is what takes care of all of it, and everyone has a different time frame to make the adjustment to their particular loss. 


I Lost My Brother To A Drunk

I have lost plenty of people who I dearly loved as most people have. The ones that tormented me the most were the ones that were not necessary. My oldest brother was killed in a car accident because the driver of his vehicle was drunk.There were 6 passengers in the car, 5 of them were decapitated. Not the driver, who was the only one found to have been drinking. He came out of it with very minor injuries. He picked up 5 teenagers after they had finished playing in a high school basketball game. One of the boys was his younger brother, and one of them was my older brother. The driver spent the rest of his life drinking until it eventually killed him.

My Best Friend And Older Brother Shot For Love

Another brother, who was my mentor in business and, my BIG BROTHER in heart sense, was shot 7 times because of love. To make a long story short, he dated someone with an x-boyfriend who was very jealous.The story goes,"if I can't have her, you can't either". There was no reason to kill my brother over such things as love, lust, jealousy or envy. He took my brother from us and I can not say that I have ever gotten over that. I finally let it go as God's will. The man who did the shooting died in jail after 15 years of incarceration.

My Father Died When I Was 11

My father was brutally beaten to death when I was 11 years old. He left my Mother with 4 children to raise, and a lot of pain to endure for it. No he did not ask to be beaten and there was never any real conclusion as to why. What I do know is that it brought about a terrific amount of hardship for my family. I spent 7 years rebelling against anything and everything imaginable and each of my siblings also traveled their own rocky road to the present. I wrote a poem when I was 20 years old that seemed to help me come to grips with his loss.

My Poem

I use to cry at night, that fear when God put out the light.

The life of you he took away, I thought all gloom was here to stay.

But children do not understand, the gentleness of loving hands.

The years are gone, I count nine, were they yours or are they mine? Sometimes I wonder what would be if God could bring you back to me.

Although he took you on that day, you haven't gone so far away.

When I look, I can see you, in the flowers and the trees. The time is all he took away, the love we shared is here to stay.

The years are gone, yes, I count nine. Were they yours or are they mine?

This Kind Of Loss Should Not Happen

Is There An Answer?

I wrote this hub in answer to a question I found posted here on HubPages.

See other answers from other hubbers.  How do you get over a loved ones' death?


More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

courtney 2 years ago

you will never get over a loved one's death. Never. I lost my mother when I was 7. I will never forget the pain. The numbness. Death will not be ignored. You will never get over it.


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 3 years ago from NW Indiana Author

Frogyfish, link away. Blessings for you on the passing of your Mother. My Mother left me this past April,2012. I am still working through the loss.


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 3 years ago from Central United States of America

The violent deaths in your family have left scarring that will always remain, but you have determined to live beyond that pain- and beautifully. Yes, death is part of life and pretty much 100% - one apiece.

I live with that in mind, particularly as my Mother also died this Spring.

My hub 'Passings...' tells that story and I would like to link this hub there if you don't mind.


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C.S.Alexis 4 years ago from NW Indiana Author

Ivy my Mother passed this spring and I was her caretaker for the last few years. I understand. It is hard, but what I know is they would want us to go on, be happy and productive...that is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. Blessings Ivy, count them!


Ivy 4 years ago

i just loss my dad 5 weeks ago. i know it is the worst pain ever! I miss him ever min. of ever day! I feel like no one understands me at all


grace 4 years ago

my grandma died about 4 nights ago she was crazy in a nursing home my granda was abusing her and my aunts and unvles abused her too.im her youngest grandchild and im younger than anymuoss me and my sister always hated going over to her house cuz she was violent.like i sia dhse was crazy.but i miss her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much and now my puppy is suffering something all in one week :( like i said im youger than 13


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C.S.Alexis 4 years ago from NW Indiana Author

Alicia,

I am sorry for your loss. I really know the feeling of not being able to get past the death of a loved one. I also know the feeling of not wanting to get close to others because of the fear of loss. Here is the thing. Death is a part of the living experience. We all die sooner or later.

I do not think our loved ones who have passed would want us to stop loving, stop our lives or be unhappy all the time because of their passing. Our loved ones would want us to be happy and be loving to everyone because life is too short to waste it away being depressed because they are gone. Cherish the time you have now. The now is what matters the most because we just never know when a loved ones life will come to an end.


Alicia 4 years ago

I lost my niece in a car accident in 2009. She was 15 years old. There were too many kids in the car, no seatbelts, the driver was speeding, hit a tree, my niece died that night with one of her best friends. My brother works on the volunteer fire department, he answered the call. When he got there to work the crash sight something told him to walk around to the other side of the car. He did and discovered his daughter lying on the ground. I admire him, he has handled things so well the past few years. I have not. This death has changed me. I have shut people out that I love in fear of losing them. My whole personality has changed. I just want my niece back. She was my best friend, she used to live with me and she always spent her summers with me. I cant get over this, I don't know how.


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Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Awesome, beautiful, and more votes! My family lost my nephew a couple of years ago. It changes things. This year was the first year we've all been able to get together at my mom's again--all of us. You have lost so many people, and in such traumatic ways. So sorry. Glad I found this hub.


Megan 4 years ago

My Grandma passed away 4 years ago. She died from cancer. Every single day I think of her. It's extremely hard because she was my next door neighbor and I would go to her house every single day and every sinle time I look out my bedroom window I see her house which was sold to someone else. He did alot of fixing up and took down the ramp that my Grandma used and that I used to go sled riding on because I didn't have a good hill in my yard. I miss her so much, there isn't a day I don't think about her. And many people say I look like her. I took my Confirmation name after her. I remember the day when she died. I remember my mom crying the night before. I remember going to my aunt's house in the morning and her walking in and out of her bedroom, crying and trying not to let me see the tears. I remember my mom coming home from work earlier. I remember getting the phone call right before history that I was going home early. I remember leaving the school and asked my mom "How's Grams doing?" and hearing those horrible wrods "Well, Megan, Grams died.". I remember hugging my Dad when I came home. I remember how i cried at the viewing. And how I cried at the Funeral. And I remember playing I Spy with her on the porch, I remember painting with her, I remember going to Disney with her. But the worst part of all, I never got to say Goodbye. Love you Grams forever and always. Can't wait to see you one day.


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 5 years ago from NW Indiana Author

Dustin,

All my energy focused on you and your Grandmother, make the most of the time you have, live in the moment. Sending light!


Dustin 5 years ago

My grandmother has today to 6 months to live please pray for her my xbl name is top gun guy 123


Anonymousss. 5 years ago

My grandmother died yesterday. I am 13 years old. I have never watched someone die before. When i was in school i got throughabout half the first class and all i did was think about her, not knowing how much time she would have left. so i went to the school nurse, upset and i told her about howmy family members were not to sure mygrandma would have much time left on this earth. I was taken out of school about 10 minutes later and taken home.then my dad picked me up and took me to my grandmothers. i have never seen my grand cry before but ithis time i did. I went upstairs and saw my grandma, un able to talk or move. she looked so small. not her strong usual self who would come to greet me at the door with a smile on her face no matter how sick she was. I cried and had to leave the room because she couldn't even listen to things, it had to be very quiet. the ambulance came to take her to hospess and when she got there she was put on a lot of pain medication and she could hardly talk. we waited around the hospital for about an hour, and then the doctor came in and said she would have about an hour left to live. me and myfamily sat around the bed while she was barely human. Within her last hour she kept looking up. we all knew that it wasn't her just staring at the ceiling, it was that unconditional love taking her soul to a better place where there would be no more doctors, shots, cancer, or pain. And at that moment..in about the last 10 minutes. the door to the porch opened. all by itself, there wasn't even any wind. it was just opening to let her out. it was amazing. i watcher her to her very last breath. My grandmother is the most amazing person I have ever known, she has never judged anyone. she is so strong and she provided. she took care of everything and all she did was worry about everybody else, to make sure everything was okay. It happened so quickly that even now, the day after her death. i still believe she is here with me on earth, down the street at home. At least thats what I think, but I know that she is gone. She is so special to me and i hope that i never forget her laugh, voice, or any of the wonderful times we have shared. I hope to see her again. I love you grandma.


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ellahall2011 5 years ago

That's very useful, C.S. Alexis.


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 6 years ago from NW Indiana Author

ahorseback,

I agree with you about remembering the good and the bad past, we need to experience one to understand the other, it is the natural way of things. I also believe it is God's intention for us to learn from all of it. Thanks for reading here and commenting.

lorlie,

If we are haunted then I think it is a good thing. Death for me has become something of a blessing and not the bad experience we have been taught from our childhoods. It is sad to miss the ones who have passed but in my mind, heart and soul I believe that everyone just moves on to another level and passes through this one for however long. We are blessed with the time we have together in this life and we should enjoy it while we can.

Thanks for visiting and commenting, happiness to you.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

C.S.-what a lovely poem. I, too, have been visited by death more than seems fair. I suppose those of us who experience death so young are forever haunted.

Beautiful.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 6 years ago

I'm glad I found this sight, A lot of people are survivors , I guess , and we all see things differently, But the truth is you never get over loss, never , if you do then I think maybe your doing something unnatural, Or at least unhealthy. Decades have come and gone for me but I know that this has made me a better person. I , personelly, want to remember the past ,even the bad parts. Thanks for all this insight.Its good stuff....


o. archuletta 6 months ago 6 years ago

my husband passed recently we were married 22 years we have seven kids their all his their ages are 20-4 years five girls two boys were having a real hard time ajusting to another life with out him i was reading this poem its beautiful it touched my heart we love n miss u daddy archuletta family


MRR 6 years ago

this poem made me cry because my father died when I was 10.it made me feel kinda better but I'm still crying. :,((


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 7 years ago from NW Indiana Author

AEvans,

ai can not say that I am cold to death but I am somewhat numb. I know the worst part for me anymore is watching those who are left mourn the loss. It is them who I hurt for . You are blessed if you have found some joy along with the tears.

jjrubio,

Thank you for commenting and you know what they say?..... Listen to your Grand Ma.

Rochelle,

We received a phone call today from (my room mates co-worker, her job was terminated during a major cut back last month). I guess one of the Men she had supervised, when she was employed, was killed in a car accident on his way home from work.

She said he was a hard worker, never caused trouble, was someone she could count on. He left a wife and two children. He might have been 40, maybe or a little younger. It is sad, it does not seem right but it is what it is.

Like the person you know, what words can really say it right? A warm smile is the best. The guy who actually called today, he just lost his own son about 6 months ago, his son was in his mid twenties....brain cancer....Life is hard. Sure makes the nice folks on HubPages something to look forward to.

Thanks to all of you and have a great weekend!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

These kinds of loses are ones we can never forget, nor should we, but we still try to find meaning in them. I know a person who works in a local store who lost his 20 year old don on Christmas Day-- This is a small community, and i know a lot of people have been there for him through this very difficult loss. I have sent condolences, but often wonder if I should say anything when I see him, for the reasons you referenced.


jjrubio 7 years ago

You are absolutely positively right...You don't get over it..you get through it. I too know all too well about dealing with death...It seems that death is my obsessed stalker because he seems to lurk around me my whole life plucking those I hold dear around me off one by one....As my very wise grandmother says...the older you get the more people you love die and one day we will be the one who our loved ones mourn. It is a part of life and it is horrible...but it does happen. And as much as it tears our world apart over and over it is something out of our control....

I really liked this...alot...thanks for sharing your hub with all of us. =)


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

For some reason I fell upon this hub and it brought joy and tears, I guess I needed more understanding. I too wrote an article about my stefather that I called Dad as our natural dad died when I was 7. My stepfather died at the hands of a drunk driver and has been gone for 3 years this past Mar. I have felt pain of loss and pain of joy , but your article placed it all in perspective.:)


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 7 years ago from NW Indiana Author

debby28,

I read some of your hubs yesterday. I don't remember if I commented about your parents and sister. Sometimes I feel like nothing I can say will make a difference. I remember when my Father died a lot of the local people would tell me how sorry they were when I went onto the store and so on. I just wanted them to shut up. I did not want their pity or words to remind me of the pain.

That was so many years ago but deep down, the pain is there. Life just goes on and the distractions keep me too busy to think about all of the pain. Life keeps me going, I always count my blessings, that is very important for me. Thanks for coming by.


debby28 profile image

debby28 7 years ago from WASHINGTON

I have lost both of my parents and my sister and you never forget those special people in your life. I love your peom.


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 7 years ago from NW Indiana Author

sk8rgirl21,

I am heartfelt to know that something I have published has touched another person on what I feel is most likely a spiritual level. Death is a tragedy though it lays in the living and grows and diminishes in the living. I know it is the one part of life that we can never truly come close to understanding until we pass that way ourselves.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here and know always that you carry the life of those who have passed before you, with you now, in many small ways. Life is therefore a never ending cycle of the most powerful energy known to man. You are blessed to have loved and, that is what it is all about. Pay it forward.


sk8rgirl21 profile image

sk8rgirl21 7 years ago from California

This is an amazing hub, and it couldn't have came at a better time for me so thank you. Your very strong for making it through all that you have! My friends one year anniversry is coming up, he died last year when he was playing basketball a valve in his heart just burst and he was only eighteen. I'd never had a friend die before, and it hit me really hard, I still think about him everyday, but it's gotten easier knowing that at least he's in a better place now and his spirit is still with us. My grandpa died when I was eight, and it hit me pretty hard when i was older. But both of these deaths have made me a stronger person, and I know that one day I will meet with them again.Thank you again for writing this hub! Even though it was written over six months ago, ty again:)


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana Author

dayzeebee,,

Sometimes I think we experience certain situations and they transform a kinder, more understanding part of our spirit into a vehicle that projects itself at the right place and the right time, that is not to say that I actually believe in destiny, as it is more on how we decide to handle our feelings. Some people give up too easy! I do believe that healers are out there and are often born from negative experiences in their lives. Hope to hear more from you in the future. C.S. Alexis


dayzeebee profile image

dayzeebee 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

hello c.s. alexis, someone told me once i was a broken healer. i asked what that meant. he said it's a term used for people who have undergone painful experiences and then moves on to supporting others heal. there are many more like us in this community. welcome. thank you for sharing.


Blackbird profile image

Blackbird 8 years ago from San Diego, California

Your story is sad. And I agree with what you said (that the deaths that are the most depressing are those that are totally preventable).

I loved your poem. I wrote a poem about the death of a family member, as well.

++Rose Petals on a Bare Wall Pt. 1-2: http://hubpages.com/literature/Rose-Petals

++Rose Petals on a Bare Wall Pt. 3: http://hubpages.com/literature/Rose-Petals-Part-3

Thanks.


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana Author

CheryleJ, Thank You for stopping in to read my article. I am blessed if it truly does help you in any way. C.S.


CheryleJ profile image

CheryleJ 8 years ago from NEW JERSEY

I am moved beyond words...your expression of letting go is awesome. I look forward to reading much more of your writing. I thank you for inspiring me to reach higher and helping me put my lost into a beautiful place . God Bless you.


Alil Nairtcab 8 years ago

I am so sorry to hear about all of this loss, but it is so amazing to read your words on recovery. Walking the walk, so to speak... which can be so hard. I'm dealing with loss of some things, luckily not human life or limbs... but I just want to thank you for your beautiful essay. -alil


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana Author

G-Ma I let it all go a long time ago. It is what it is. Life is a mysterious journey and death is even more so. I embrace it as a part of life and try to live each moment for all it is worth. Thank you so much.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Well sweetie they are all friendly and understanding here..'.Just let it out'as they have told me..It helps. G-Ma :O) hugs


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

nice poem I must say...and yes time is a healer for all things. G-ma :o)

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