How Do You Overcome Losing a Child?

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Facing the Indescribable

Losing a child is a horrific experience no parent should ever have to face.

It is one of the most unnatural things that can happen to a parent, particularly a woman. It's something many people fear at one time or another, but probably never expect to actually experience.

Unfortunately, I've been there. I have faced the gut-wrenching pain of losing a child. My son died just two weeks before his 13th birthday. He was my oldest child and would have been 22 now.

You don't ever get over the loss, and parts of you may never accept it, but you always find a ways to cope with it the best you can. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. In fact, it may end up being the toughest thing you'll ever endure.

Overcoming the Fear after Losing a Child

For me to begin get over the fear of losing a child and the worry of ever losing another, I had to educate myself. I had to read about other people's experiences. I was compelled to read opinions about life after death, different philosophies, etc. I was reaching, no grasping, for anything, anything at all, that would give me even a sliver of hope. I needed hope that things were going to be ok, hope that I could begin to make some sense of these feelings I was feeling. I had so many questions about why. Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why my son?

I tried to attend local grief support meetings, but I personally did not find them helpful. I do recommend you try it, but don't feel you have to continue if you don't find it helpful. For me, I found it to primarily to be a pity party where everyone was competing to see who had the worst situation. I'm sure it was just this particular group of people and there are probably some wonderful groups that provide lots of support and information for their members. I just found that I didn't want to wallow in self-pity month after month.  I wanted hope.  I wanted to know that Kevin was ok and I'd eventually be ok.  Not perfect, not like we were, but at least ok.

I felt most comfortable searching online and found a wonderful website that helped me tremendously in those early days. The link to this site's message boards is listed below. What I liked about the site is that they have separate sections for people experiencing different types of losses. This allows you to chat with others experiencing a similar loss to you. I'm sure you can appreciate how different it might be to lose a child to cancer versus losing one to an accident to losing one from violence. They all share some core issues, but they each have different emotional needs because of their specific circumstances. Another thing I liked about turning to an online site was that it allowed me that little bit of anonymity allowing me to feel freer to say what I really felt and was able to sit and cry as I read other people's stories. It made me appreciate the 'good' in my own situation as I saw how bad others had it. Those little things meant a lot.


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The Seven Stages of Grief

First, it's important to understand that grieving is a process and that process takes time. Every person travels through this process at a different rate. Do not ever try to compare yourself to anyone else to determine how well you're doing. If you're progressing, even slowly, then you're doing just fine. Stay focused on your own recovery.

1. Shock & Denial - At first, losing someone seems unreal. You can't believe it's happened. You play and re-play all of the events that lead up to finding out over and over in your head. You will analyze every word said, every action performed, every detail no matter how small will be examined. You are looking for anything that will make sense. In those early moments, nothing will make sense and you begin to deny it happened and try to convince yourself it was just a dream. You will insist that this can't be happening to you. Not today, not now, you're not ready. You will tell yourself that you cannot handle this.

2.Pain & Guilt - Next the pain sets in. Your stomach hurts or it can feel hollow and numb. You ache inside and nothing soothes it. You begin to blame yourself for their loss. You wonder what you could have done, even should have done, to have prevented it. Without thinking about it, you try accept responsibility and insist that you somehow let them down and if you had just done one thing differently, they'd still be here. You'll shed a lot of tears at this stage.

3. Anger & Bargaining - At this stage, you become angry and indignant. You insist on having answers. You want someone to explain it, you want someone to fix it. You want someone to take responsibility because it just isn't fair. You are willing to make deals with God, the devil, or anyone else if it will just bring them back. And you want it now.

4.Depression & Loneliness - The realization of what's happened begins to set in. You are beginning to accept that they're not coming back. You begin to think about life without them. You experience depression and a gloomy sadness weaves it's way into your everyday routine. You reflect back on how things used to be and try to reconcile it to how things are going to be now without them.

5.Making a Turn - At this stage, you've figured out that life is going on around you whether or not you're fully participating in it. You begin to think about trying to feel better, but you almost feeling guilty for doing it. You start thinking about what the deceased person would have wanted. Would they want you to still be depressed, or would they expect you to carry on?

6. Rebuilding and Working Through It - At this point, you've decided it's time to move on with your life. You begin to create ways to find moments of happiness that still honor their memory. There is a certain respect that you have for the one who has died. You begin to see your work at getting better as something they would be proud of and you feel good about doing it.

7. Acceptance & Hope - At this stage, you have accepted their death and you realize that blaming anyone (including yourself) doesn't bring them back. You realize that life does go on and you will be ok. You have hope for your future, even though your future no longer includes them. You honor their memory with loving thoughts of them. You are proud of yourself for being a survivor. You still miss them, you still wish they were here, but you understand that things will have to be ok like they are.

Sometimes, you'll go through several of the stages all in the one day.  Sometimes it may take months to get through one stage.  The important thing to understand is that the healing takes time.  Give it as much time as you need.  Don't get upset with yourself for feeling what you feel.  Others may or may not understand what you're feeling.  Some may tell you that you're being silly, or ridiculous, or irrational.  Don't listen to them.  Honor each feeling you have.  Only someone in your shoes can appreciate what you're going through. 

In a Nutshell

In a nutshell, to begin to cope with the fear of losing a child is to seek more information. Find someone to talk to, in person, or online. Whatever makes you the most comfortable is the best option for you.

Discuss your feelings in whatever environment allows you to express them best. There are no right or wrong feelings, but all of your various emotions deserve proper recognition as you begin to cope with them.

Lastly, time really does heal all wounds and fears. They all subside if you allow them.  I'm not saying you'll ever forget, because I promise you won't.  But, as time goes on you'll learn to cope with things better.  The tears no longer flow as quickly or last as long.  The beautiful memories of your child become more and more precious.

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Comments 493 comments

josephdiego profile image

josephdiego 7 years ago from Eastern Long Island , New York

Wow, I could never imagine. My Friend Lost her child ( Crib Death) She was never the same.

Yes I agree, support is key. Talk about it express your fellings, let it all out.

Please try not to focus on the loss, Focus on the gain, the beauty you had together for those 13 years. Have faith that God did not take him to put him in a bad place. I am sure he was needed somewhere else to accomplish great things. You know how wonderful he is. So does God.

Think about it, we cry and feel the loss for our own needs. It’s not about us, it’s about them. God blessed them and God has blessed you. You, your family and son are in my prayers….Love, JosephDiego


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you for your additional comments and well wishes JosephDiego!  You are so right about focusing on the good things. 

Just recently, through a friend who had a premature baby, I found out about a non-profit volunteer organization that helps parents preserve the memories of their deceased children through photographs. This organization is made up of thousands of volunteer photographers who will come to the hospital or your home to take photographs of your deceased (or dying) baby or child.  In some cases the baby/child is already dead and in some cases they have only hours to live.  When you read the stories, you'll see how precious this service is to the parents who have suffered the loss of their child.   The site is www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com.


josephdiego profile image

josephdiego 7 years ago from Eastern Long Island , New York

Wow, I just watched the end of a Movie on HBO Alpha Dog " I Think" with Justin Timberlake. It had a scene with the mother of a young teenaged man who was killed in the movie. Even though it was just a movie. I ran to my sons bedroom to give him a kiss.. Just Thinking about it, is bringing me to tears right now....

http://hubpages.com/misc/How-does-one-overcome-the...


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by again, Josephdiego! It is tough...I'm sure it has affected how I treat my remaining child as well. I make sure she knows how much I love her and take nothing for granted.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

I just came across this KCC - what does one say to someone who has lost a child?All I can say after reading this hub is that you're such a wonderful person and I'm sure you will be a support and inspiration for so many meeting and reading you! God Bless.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Shalini! Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by! You're a very sweet person.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

How sad. I'm so sorry that you had to lose a child, my biggest fear of life. My mom lost her third, a girl in 1943, mom died in 1997 and that baby was still on her mind, and every year of her birthday mom was depressed. she never got over it. I'm glad i found this. thanks


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks for sharing that CC Riter. I'm sorry to hear that though. I know how your mom must have felt. It has really helped us to celebrate the anniversary of Kevin's death with balloons. We always send off helium balloons with notes attached to them asking the finder to please let us know how far they go. We've gotten three responses in 5 years.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Someones in the kitchen I know-o-o-o.....


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Howdy Christoph!


IslandVoice profile image

IslandVoice 7 years ago from Hawaii

I lost a brother when i was 17 yrs old and is was extremely painful. When my friend lost her only son who fell from a building, i was too dumbfounded, too shattered to even console with her. I can only imagine that sorrow you speak of about losing your son. I appreciate your candidness in this hub. Blessings!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you for your kind words, IslandVoice. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I saw the pain my daughter went through. Kevin was her only sibling. Now, she's left as an only child. Luckily, she has been able to talk openly about her feelings and I think that has helped.


manlypoetryman profile image

manlypoetryman 7 years ago from (Texas !) Boldly Writing Poems Where No Man Has Gone Before...

KCC: I can only imagine your sense of loss. I know that you will never get over this loss...as you said...and wish you the best in still, trying to cope with it. I have had a similar experience only...not the same...my young step-son died in combat...so I can understand the terrible grief of losing a young one.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

It is tough...tougher than imaginable, really. But, we do go on, mostly because we have to. I'm really sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for stopping by.


Kay 7 years ago

I came across this site. I can relate with you. I lost a my 11 year old son almost 9 months ago. her older sister never talks about her loss to us. i also read about other peoples' loss on the net to console myself. take care and keep on being strong. I pray everyday that i will be strong to go through our loss


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

It's really tough, Kay. *Hug* Thank you for taking the time to read my article and commenting. You've gone through the toughest part already. Time does make it easier, but there's a void you'll always have. Take care.


WannaB Writer profile image

WannaB Writer 7 years ago from Templeton, CA

I have lost both of my adopted children -- one in a jet ski accident when he was 14 in 1991 and his sister on May 13 of this year to suicide. Both were sudden and unexpected.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

OMG WannaB....that's certainly one thing I learned when I visited the grief message boards after losing my son.....no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it worse. I cannot imagine losing two and both of your so tragic and so close together. What a tremendous loss for you. My heart aches knowing what that must be like for you. Thank you for sharing that. Perhaps you'll write a hub about grief?


Its Angel profile image

Its Angel 7 years ago from Charleston, SC

I'm sorry for your loss, No you don't get over it, ever. I have suffered and feel your pain.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you "Its Angel". I'm sorry that you have suffered what I can only presume is a similar loss. It will be become more manageable with time, but yes, many facets of the pain will remain.


EverythingMouse profile image

EverythingMouse 7 years ago

I can only begin to imagine your pain. My son was born with a serious heart defect and we thought many times that we would lose him. I am fortunate - he is healthy and well now. Thank you for sharing your experience.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you EverythingMouse. I'm glad to hear your son is doing well. I was leaving a comment on your hub while you were leaving one on mine...how funny.


bingskee profile image

bingskee 7 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

thank you for sharing. this will truly help a lot those who has lost one.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you bigskee...I sincerely hope so.


WannaB Writer profile image

WannaB Writer 7 years ago from Templeton, CA

I know it's not much consolation to know someone else has suffered more, but when I think of what could have happened to Jason instead of his quick death doing something he loved, I'm thankful he died as he did if he had to die. I think one of the most heart-wrenching things I ever read was a scene in a pioneer biography (can't remember title or author right now) where a mother is being dragged away from her house by her neighbors. Her son, who is dying of rabies, is calling to her, begging her to stay with him and promising that he won't bite her. She so wants to go to him, but the doctor and the neighbors pull her away for her own safety. I can't imagine a harder thing for a mom than that. My son was a gentle and compassionate person. Had he lived, he might be in Iraq right now, perhaps having to kill. I can't imagine him being able to do that. As parents, there is so much we often fear will happen to our children. When death is quick and almost not felt, it is a mercy. I think of the children who are kidnapped and die in terror and consider myself lucky I don't have that to deal with. I so admire the parents who have nursed their children through painful fights against cancer and still have lost them. It would be so hard to watch your child suffer over and over again. My faith gives me the assurance that the pain belongs to our family, but that Jason did not have to suffer and is now free from tears forever. We will meet again and I'm sure he will be ready to show us around Heaven.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

I agree with you. I have found myself saying it more than once since Kevin died, that there are things worse than death and that is suffering. I too am glad Kevin didn't suffer. He was having the time of his life when he died. Who could ask for more? Thanks for stopping by.


adam rudd 7 years ago

I have been reading the wonderfully heartfelf messages of support posted on this page and have taken some comfort in them. I am currently holding my 8 month old baby daughter Martha, the joy she brings myself, her mother , family and friends is immeasurable. Martha developed well in her mothers tummy and to look at you would not straight away see her condition. She contracted meningitis and suffered severe brain damage at birth. I find writing anonomously easier than talking to my family as I am struggling to come to terms with being told we have a limited time together. I'm. Outwardly remainging strong for Martha and her mother but it is putting a great strain on me.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Adam, my heart goes out to you! I know how hard this must be for you. Writing anonymously is a great way to express your feelings without involving your family. Losing a child is difficult, but watching a child suffer must surely be worse. BeyondIndigo.com is a great site for grief. I know you're not there yet, but if the comments here were helpful to you, perhaps the comments there will be as well. Parents who have lost children due to illness have their category and you can read what some of them went through. I hope it helps you. Take care of yourself. Thanks for stopping by. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


Annie 7 years ago

I am so tired of people whose children are alive and healthy telling us that it is time we 'get over' Caitie's death. They cannot understand that between the 5 years she fought leukemia and the 3 1/2 yrs since she passed we've had almost a decade in hell. I refuse to apologise for the fact that my grief makes them uncomfortable.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

I agree with you Annie! You owe NO ONE apologies for how you feel and losing a child has to be one of the toughest things a person could ever face. How dare anyone tell us to just "get over it".


Annie 7 years ago

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com

Our kids who have cancer lose so much: they lose friends who move on with their lives, they never have the luxury of that 'I'm gonna live forever!' feeling, they know they are most likely infertile from treatments (chemo/radiation etc)...yet they never give up.

We lose not only our child, but their children, that walk down the aisle, we have years of holding them while they are given poisons to save them, stuck with needles in their spines and hips, hold their heads while they vomit endlessly. People have said "well, you wouldn't want her back, sick as she was." The hell I wouldn't! I'd have her back in a heartbeat anyway I could get her. I'd fight by her side and hold her, smell her, cry with her and laff with her. She is my hero and my soul mate. She became my best friend during all the months of hospital stays. I miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every day...she was 14 when diagnosed and 19 when we lost her. She was talented, bright and beautiful and I do not like the world as much without her in it.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annie, thank you so much for sharing your tribute to your beautiful Caitlin. My heart goes out to you (hugs). It's people like YOU that are MY hero.

My small tribute to Kevin is here: http://hubpages.com/health/Split-Second-A-Tribute-...


Annie 7 years ago

Your tribute to your Kevin is so sweet. As an artist myself, I can relate to how he was growing in his aspirations. Being an artist is not something one chooses to be; it is something one cannot help being. Kevin's helping the woman at the haunted house reminds me of Caitie: she was always sticking up for the underdogs in life, defending them with all her might! (hugs)


phoenixarizona profile image

phoenixarizona 7 years ago from Australia

KCC. What a beautiful hub about such a difficult subject. Iwrote one a little similar but not nearly as well. I am truly sorry for your loss..... It's great to see that there are other bereaved parents Hubbing for the newly bereaved. You are a light on the other end of the scary tunnel. Thatnkyou for doing it.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much phoenixarizona! I'll have to check yours out!


Nellie 7 years ago

What enfuriates me is that people who have lost brothers, parents and grandparents compare their loss to the loss of a child. Those others are supposed to die before you. I have lost two children - one in a hit and run car accident and the other to murder. Aged 19 and 35. Everyday is a struggle, everyday my whole body aches for them, everyday I(have to pretend for the other people who cannot handle me grieving) that I am ok. I try to live to their honour and glory. Both gave life their all - until the end. With my broken disguised pain - I try honour their memory. Painting -painting and still more painting, letting the grief out in colour and textures (you dont have to be an artist- just let it go to where it is really understood- somewhere where they and God understand) People are cruel and ununderstanding) Dont rely on people they cannot resist to peck on a bleeding chicken) I painted a picture of myself hiding under the wing of God and seeking his protection and comfort. His light engulfing me and protecting me. After the first childs loss I came to realise you cannot find consolation from people. Not even the ones who have also lost a child. The time factor, age and personality differ so much you cannot place your hope on the falllibles. There is only one Hope one Love and one God. Seek his comfort, beg for it, plead for it. Eventually he hears and then you get what he promises; Peace that surpasses all understanding.

Be blessed and God be with all you aching dear friends.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by Nellie. I am so sorry that you lost not one, but two children. What incredible pain you've had to endure. You're right, though. The loss of a child is in no way similar to losing a friend or other family member. And you're also right that even other mothers may have a tough time understanding your loss. I'm glad you have found consolation with painting and your relationship with God. Hang in there!


Claire 7 years ago

Thank you for this website. 8 months down the line after losing our 23 year-old son it seems to be getting worse instead of better. We've been reading everything, walking, painting, taking time off work, and , just as you think you're getting stronger, you get knocked sideways again.Some of the reading has helped.Trusting God and knowing that this is part of a greater purpose does bring some relief. Talking to our son helps too. But no matter how much you try and hold the big picture in your mind and create positive thoughts of moving forward and trying to cope, the pain of missing his physical presence is enormously unbearable. I find I have become so timid and somewhat isolated. My heart goes out to all of you in this situation.


Isabel  6 years ago

When I was 18 years old, a GYN told me I couldn't have children because of problems with both of my ovaries. I was utterly depressed, when you are 18 you imagine a beautiful life with a husband and children, you make up the names for your kids and how they will be. Eighteen years old is no age to have these dreams shattered or rather any age for that matter, but I got my dreams cut short very early. Earlier that year, before these heartbreaking news, I got a little dog which I named Skippy. After receiving these horrible news I started to turn to my little dog for comfort, he would lick my tears away everytime I cried, he would lay on my lap until I stopped sobbing and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gotten over the horror of never being able to have children. Skippy became my child, I started looking at him like the child I wasn't able to have. I got so attached to this little angel who only made me feel good, if it wasn't for him I would never have been able to cope. In June '09 he passed away......and with his passing I was destroyed. I still cry everyday and the harsh reality of my inability to have children has come back, though not as strong because my little boy made me feel so good about that. God gave me Skippy to help me cope with something horrible, but now my Skippy is in heaven. Now I know my Skippy wasn't an actual human child I gave birth to, but please understand that to me he was and is. I will always love him and never forget him and the bond and love we have for each other is intense. Wherever you are my little boy I love you so much and I want to thank you for all the good you brought to my life.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

That is a very touching story Isabel! Thank you for sharing. I can certainly understand how he became your son and how terribly you must miss him. I'm sorry.


Wend' 6 years ago

Thank you for this website. 14 months after losing our 23year old son the pain is becoming worse with each passing day.The first year was spent being in a state of automatic functioning and when everyone thought you should be turning the corner at the first year - the pain and reality really started to bite. We find that talking to our son helps enormously but the pain of never seeing his physical presence is too hard to bear right now. Like Claire I have become timid and isolated but the strength does reappear when you are unexpecting it. This is a living nightmare and my heart goes out to everyone in this situation.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I do understand, Claire & Wend....I'm coming up on the 6th anniversary in a few weeks. Losing a child is a tremendous nightmare for anyone to endure. Yet, we somehow survive, perhaps by gaining a bit of strength from each other. Hang in there.


Sandi 3m 6 years ago

You are wonderful, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you have been through. I wish you the best, thanks for all the awesome hubs!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Aww...thank you so much Sandi!


jyme 6 years ago

my 17 year old son died 8mths ago today,and my friends think i should be ok now get out living life,and i feel like i dont have a life. i hurt daily. i make them uneasy when i say hes name. how self of them,they dont know that lost.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Never ever let them dictate when it's time to feel ok. Because you're right, we're never going to be ok. We learn to adjust and it takes time. I'm so sorry you lost your son. Nothing I can say helps, I know. I too, made people uneasy talking about Kevin. But, they just had to learn to get used to it. Hang in there. If I can help, let me know.


Sholley profile image

Sholley 6 years ago

I read your article and I'm sorry about your lose. I too have lost a child. A baby girl that died two days after Christmas. After going through such an experience, it changes who you once were. But I try to understand that God wanted to raise her for me and I know one day that she'll be waiting to greet me. I still grieve and I'm still angry, but I can't bring her back. She's in Heaven now.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Sholley. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby girl too! You're right, it does change how you see yourself and how you see the past. It's like I have memories of knowing Kevin's mother, but that person's somehow different than me even though I'm Kevin's mother and always will be. I think you'll understand that.


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan

KCC, once again you have produced another captivating hub. I know this one must have been hard to write. I am so sorry that you had to live through the horrendous experience of loosing your boy - it has always been one of my greatest fears as a mother. Such a loss is unimaginable to me. Thank you for opening your heart on hubpages. By the feedback you have received it is obvious that you have touched many hearts and lives. I have a friend who lost 2 children. She has always been afraid that people will forget them. I wrote a poem in her honor on Mother's Day because I wanted her to know I don't forget her pain or the loss of these 2 precious children. http://hubpages.com/family/Mothers-Day-Grief


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Mekenzie. I just visited your hub and that was beautiful. I left you a comment there. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to lose two children. My heart goes out to her.


zmansfam profile image

zmansfam 6 years ago

The courage and strength, and faith it takes for those who lose their children is unimaginable. Many of us live with children with special needs, and the fear of losing them is always in the back of our minds, it helps us though to appreciate each day, and not stress over little things. I have unfortunately attended many funeral services for children, that leave a constant reminder of how precious life is.


Scarlet Danes profile image

Scarlet Danes 6 years ago

KCC..I, too, lost a son. The fear of facing that again with my other children is gut wrenching. There are so many of us out there with our own stories of grief and despair. It is a hurt beyond any that can be comforted at times...Thank you for sharing and for the wonderful sites to refer too.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I am so sorry Scarlet Danes. (((Hugs))) As you know, no mother should have to endure what we have. But, the thing we can do is support each other. That's all I try to do with writing hubs like this one.


Dale Mazurek profile image

Dale Mazurek 6 years ago from Canada

Another hub that actually brought a tear to my eyes.

I feel so speechless when reading stories like this. The world is just an unfair place when something like this happens.

My father died on Halloween 2009 and I am still devastated but he had 72 wonderful years on this earth.

I am very happy that this hub was reccomended for my blog. It is now posted on the blog where hopefully in time scores of traffic can see it and send their kind words.

Dale


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Dale. I know how hard it is to lose a father as well. I lost my dad Sept 08. He was 76. Things will get easier to manage in time.

Losing my son has by far been the toughest thing I've endured. Thank you for your blog and allowing us to share our stories.


lucifette321 profile image

lucifette321 6 years ago from Calgary SW

I grew up in a town where I lost many friends starting at the age of 13. I never understood what it was the parents went through after the loss of a child, no matter how old the child, the circumstances surrounding the loss, it is their child they just lost and I never understood how anyone could get over it. I would get angry as they moved on with their lives. I would wonder why some didn't talk about it. I sat up late at nights as a teenager and didn't understand. When I became a parent, I began to understand less and less and every now and then fear what I would do or where my life would go after a loss like this.

I send my sympathies to you and thanks as well. You have enlightened me that people deal with everything differently, not everyone is the same. Perhaps being in public and not discussing a dead child maybe gives them a break from the constant nightmares in their head.

I will take from your article the ability to understand that and respect the boundaries for a which people set in this situation.

Love and peace your way


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Lucifette, I can certainly understand how confusing it must have been for you growing up. My daughter was just about to turn 10 yrs old when Kevin died. She had tons of questions and we talked and cried every night for many months.

To understand how a parent goes, they go on simply because they have to. What other choice do we have? Kevin died just before Halloween. I ran into a close friend just before Christmas who was shocked to see me out shopping. She said if it were her she'd be in room bawling her eyes out. I told her I had already spent the rest of the day doing that, but now I had to shop for my daughter's Christmas. The world was still going on for her. Everything couldn't just end because Kevin died. We had to learn to cope and it's damn hard. Some days....it still is. Thanks for your understanding and kind words. It means a lot to me.


denise 6 years ago

I to have lost my son at the age of 26. He was my first born a bit premature he grew to love his life till a gun took his life not at first he was with us for 15 more months after that not the same but still with us I mourn everyday some days are harder then others and the front I have to put up just to get through the days is unreal because it still hurts 2yrs later


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I do understand, Denise. It is a pain like no other and we do continue to mourn the loss. There are days it still really gets to me and cry on and off all day. (((Hugs to you))))


KrisB 6 years ago

It has been 2 weeks and 2 days since I told my son he could leave me. After a 7 1/2 year battle with cancer his little body could take no more. He fought valiantly. He had such dignity and grace even when suffering every indignity you could imagine. He is my life. He was 12. I have spent 24 hrs a day with him through his illness. Taking care of him is what I did,it's who I am. He wasn't supposed to die. He was one of the ones that would make it through...everyone thought that including the Dr. He did die though and now I am left without my beautiful son and all the plans he had for his future. There is nothing, not one thing worse than losing a child. WHen people ask, "what can I do for you"...I have to say nothing, there is nothing. All I want is my son. His beautiful smiling face, his sweet voice and his tender caring touch. How am I supposed to live without him?


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Oh Kris, ((Hugs)) I know how incredibly difficult this is for you! The pain is incredible. We aren't supposed to watch our babies die. And you're right, there is nothing anyone can say that makes the pain go away or makes the circumstances ok. It's not ok. But, we do make it through it. One second at a time sometimes. Have you visited the message boards at www.beyondindigo.com? There are lots of parents there who can better understand your specific type of loss. It really helped me to read what others had to say. I think it could help you too. Feel free to email me. You can find the link to email me above under the monkey avatar.


Isabelle22 profile image

Isabelle22 6 years ago from Somewhere on the coastline

Oh I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Until it happens to someone no-one could ever imagine what it really is like. You are so brave to share this story, (sending my love)


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Isabelle22. You're right, it's not something you can ever imagine. My heart goes out to all the moms who've had to endure it. It's a "club" none of us wants to belong in.


karen 6 years ago

My heart goes out to all of you! I lost my 34yr. old mentally disabled daughter almost 8 mo. ago from a sudden heart attack. I'm still in disbelief and keep asking myself, "how could this be?" My boss of 22 yrs. died suddenly 1 1/2 yr. ago, so I'm unemployed also. I try to remind myself what I still have(my husband, son, home,etc), but, anyone that belongs to this awful club knows that grief overpowers this sometimes. How long does it take for your heart to heal?


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

hi Karen, my name is Karen too. My heart goes out to you as well. You've had to endure some really devastating losses. I'm not sure the heart ever heals completely, but the sting lessens with the passage of enough time. For me, I cope by remembering all the good times and celebrate the time I had. Hang in there, Karen.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State

I unfortunately know your pain all too well. I am crying like a baby reading your hub-re-living my past, the only place I speak of it is on Hub Pages (but never to the world which I live). I lost my son 6 weeks before his 3rd birthday. Losing a child is a feeling of being lost and having no idea where to start over again. You can never truly get over the loss-and when others try to make you talk about it before you want to, it can actually make you withdraw more from the ones around you.

I now have two other children and I find myself holding my breath the closer my two year old son gets to turning three. My daughter is 10 months younger and I have been told I am crazy for having two back to back. But in some way as crazy as it sounds, in a way I had her for backup-just in case fate found me twice.

I came to hub pages in October-which was D-Day for my son. I have started a tradition that every year I will try something new-experience things that I enjoy in his memory, since he was unable to experience a full life. Hub Pages gave me an outlet to write and cry without explaining to people why I was writing or crying.

Thanks or sharing your story-I am glad I got a chance to read it-even through tears

hc porter


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much HC Porter. You're right, you do understand the pain and I'm terribly sorry you had to endure it as well. October is Kevin's death month too. I joined in October 2008. You brought up an interesting thing when you mentioned "if fate found me twice". I have wondered if other mothers worried about losing a second child. It does make me shelter my remaining child (daughter) more than I probably would have otherwise. I try not to be overly protective, but I guess it's always there in the back of my mind. She is younger than Kevin by 2 yrs and it was awkward as she passed his age that he was when he died. It was at that point that she was no longer the younger sister as time stands still for him. I have a frame on my desk that his picture forever stays the same, while hers changes. That's tough.


Yuan 6 years ago

I understand all of your feeling.I lost my baby 3 weeks ago. I miss her soo much. She was 7 1/2 months. she was my life and everything for me. She was born with congenital heart problem and I dedicated my life to take care of her. I feel lonely after her death. losing a child is the most horrible thing ever.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Yuan. No one should have to let go of their precious child. If you haven't been to beyondindigo.com check them out. They have parents to talk to who have suffered the same type of loss as you. Everyone's situation is a bit different. I think it helps to talk to people who dealt with your type of pain. Good luck to you. Time does help.


Yuan 6 years ago

Thank You.


DustinsMom profile image

DustinsMom 6 years ago from USA

So sorry for your loss. I lost my only child of 16 to suicide, and witnessed the tragedy. Each person has to find their own way to pick up the pieces left behind and move forward. Hugs to you as you try to find peace in this life.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Oh, DustinsMom, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you've endured. My heart goes out to you. You're right about how we each just have to pick up the pieces and move forward. Thank you for the hugs and understanding only another mother can truly understand.


DustinsMom profile image

DustinsMom 6 years ago from USA

My pain is never ending, as yours is. I feel I have survived the worst nightmare possible, now my attitude is... bring it on. It really changes you. I have so much to write about. My heart also goes out to you my dear friend.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

And that's important, DustinsMom...you HAVE survived the worst nighmare imaginable and you do need to share your experience with other mom's that are hurting. ((Hugs))


kay 6 years ago

just reading these messages,its seems all those thoughts i was having,is the same as ohters, my 19 year old son was killed in july by a train, we are still awaiting the inquest,some days all i do is cry,but i feel i have to do this when no ones around,as others think i should be over it,but at the moment it seems to be getting worse,i have had to go back to work to pay the bills,all you feel like doing is screaming "no i am not over it,i just want my boy back"you feel guilty trying to do normal things like booking a holiday which i cant do,my other boys have been great especially my 22 year old who is there for me anytime i need him,even if its just to pick up thr grocerys or feed the family,things that we take for granted,we send chinese lantans to our son when its special days,my love goes to all you other mums


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Kay, don't worry about what others think. Anyone who thinks you should be "over it" clearly has no clue. You take all the time you need to heal. I don't know how many times I've just wanted my son back, so I know how you feel. Much love to you, Kay. Hang in there.


kay 6 years ago

thankyou,its nice to talk to others who understand what you feel like,i have a few good friends and they help,dan will allways be a huge part of my life and allways will be,thankyou again


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

You're very very welcome, Kay.


generalbrat profile image

generalbrat 6 years ago from california,usa

love leaves a memory no one can steal death leaves a heartach no one can heal so many of us will experience this we must all trust in god he can only put an end to such pain i also have lost a son at age 3 and 3 months he was shot in the forhead at close range by a bb gun by accident by another innocent child a neighborhood friend of the family a teenager 14 at the time our son ryan passed in 2006 the teen thought he had it in saftey this was a tragic accident that as parents we take this loss so hard because we are there protectors in life god has help our family so much by coming to me in a powerful dream i had about 2 weeks before our son died he said to me its ok ill take care of him i awoke in trimbles feeling his power throw my body i sat up in tears this was one of many other dreams before my son ryan izaic passed and after he still visits me and his other brothers ages 15 now and 9 and ryans most favored andy angel he looks just like him everyone whom sees ryans pic thinks its andy at the time of ryans death andy was only 5 months old he loved and so ssooo much hed allllways put up a war for his baby ryan was the first to hold andy at the hospital when baby andy was

born dad sat him on a chair as daddy placed andy on his laps many many times he held his baby brother with our help the morning he passed ryan taught andy to turn on to his belly lots of laughs beautiful day gone bad he slipped right threw us not knowing what pain we will forever feel our confort in donating his organs to save a life has helped a lot we had 4 sons 4 brothers 4 ever always have a close bond with your loved ones so you may visit each other threw the love for each other he will always be with us thank god for all things in life belive in him jesus is savior oh god hes

very handsome his green eyes are sooo captivating he is so beautiful akiana on youtube is a 12 yearold girl whom started to paint heaven in her paintings she painted god exactly as i remember his beauty. god bless us all we all must face this crossroad someday don't be afraid it is something we should all want so much we do we cant wait till he calls us to invite us to share his wonders that this world cant even come to understand the rainbow of colors millions upon billions of other different colors.....im so proud of being able to have seen his beautiful green eyes through my angel ryan he was truly heaven sent as we all are we must thank him for such grand feelings of love for each other death is not an end its a new start for everlasting love with no tears in heaven


Sage Williams profile image

Sage Williams 6 years ago

My heart goes out to you and to all who have commented on this hub sharing the loss of their children as well, as this is every parent's worst nightmare. I have had a couple of friends that have had to endure this type of pain. You are right when you say it's indescribable. There are no words. I admire you all for picking up the shattered pieces and having the courage to share your stories. Each and every one of you are "Admirable 'Moms'!"

God Bless to all of you, you are beautiful in every sense of the word.

Thanks for sharing,

Sage


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Generalbrat: I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the pain you've endured. Such a tragic event that forever changes us.

SageWilliams: Thank you so much for your kind words. We carry on simply because we must. It's certainly not easy, but sharing our stories helps us realize we're not alone.


generalbrat profile image

generalbrat 6 years ago from california,usa

thanks for being there for someone whom you've never meet, hopefully you all get a chance to read my blog i need your troubled thoughts for a book i hope to soon someday this year get published with the help of the world thanks god bless keep in touch i'm in such need of everyones ideas and poems comments ect. inorder to make this a great great deep book that will take lots of needed help to accomplish please pass the word down if anyone is intrested in adding their troubles to it.again thanks we are not alone thank god


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Generalbrat. I think it's important that we support each other through this difficult time for us all. Good luck with your book.


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

KCC, I can't even imagine the pain there is in losing a child. My heart goes out to all those who have experienced such heartache. I hope you do not mind but I have linked this hub to my latest hub In The Grip Of Darkness - PArt 1. If you would that I not do so please let me know and I will make the change.

Excellent hub.Good job.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you very much Samboiam. I'm flattered to be included. I certainly don't mind.


lilmama2486 6 years ago from mayflower, AR

I have been there and still suffer it every day when I was 16 I got pregnant I was so happy but when I was 6 months pregnant I went into labor and I was in labor for 15 hrs with my son he died at birth a stillborn then putting him in a coffin and put him in a grave it killed me then a yr late Ihad a miscarriage I was devistated I was told I wasn't ever going to be able to have children but 8 yrs later I have a almost 3 yr old son I gave birth to and im almost 6 months pregnant so good did come out of the losses I know my children are in heaven walking with the lord and playing and are watching over me and my family


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by Lilmama2486. You've gone through some devasting losses, but yes, you've shown your strength. I'm glad you have your son and congrats on the new baby on the way. Take care of yourself!


lilmama2486 6 years ago from mayflower, AR

Thank you Kcc Big country yes I have but god never puts too much on you that you cant handle and believe in him and he will help you through your pain


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm glad you have your faith to help see you through, Lilmama2486.


Danielle 6 years ago

guys i have not lost my children to death, but to other people. i have been trying to cope in many ways, i work and go to school and its not the drinking or drug induced i just know that life has more in store for me, i am currently fighting for them, i just dont know where to start. thats the main point i am unclear of


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

For you, Danielle, there is hope. Having lost your children to other people means you still have a chance to have them back. Death doesn't give us that option. I know your pain must be difficult to bear, but use that pain to add fuel to your desire to do what you have to in order to get them back. I wish you all the luck in the world. The starting point will reveal itself once you get clear about what you want. Remember, that you don't have to have all the answers to begin, just begin. The rest will fall into place.


raisingme profile image

raisingme 6 years ago from Fraser Valley, British Columbia

Reading your hub and then reading the comments has reduced me to tears. Someone mentioned that even other mothers do not understand the pain of losing a child and I must say that I would have been one of those mothers who "could only imagine" but my precious daughter being diagnosed with advanced colon cancer a year and a half ago at which time we were given a very grim prognosis. It has given me clear insight into the indescribable pain of losing a child. My daughter, thankfully came through her surgery and to date is cancer free but the experience opened my heart up wide to any parent that has lost a child! A child is a precious, precious gift whether they are with us through the remainder of our lives or with us for a time cut short! If I had to chose between losing one too soon or never knowing them at all - in spite of the excruciating pain - I would still choose to have known them! The thing about "getting over it" is that I don't know that I would ever be able to do that. I have only recently managed to begin to work on getting myself through the fear of losing one of my children. I applaud your courage and feel blessed that you have shared!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much, Raisingme. As you sit and wonder how mothers do it that lose a child, I could easily same the same about mothers who have to watch their children suffer through illnesses, especially such life-threatening situations like cancer. I guess it all shows how tough us mothers can be when it comes to taking care of our children. Whatever the challenge is before us, we stand proud and push through, doing what we must. I thank YOU for sharing your story of courage.


Wayne Tilden profile image

Wayne Tilden 6 years ago from Roseville, California

Last June 22 our 34-year-old son took his own life. He was married and the father of 2. He had spent many years in the US Coast Guard and was suffering from PTSD because of a rescue mission that turned out to be a cleanup mission. He was having flashbacks all the time.

He went to the Veterans Hospital in Seattle about 6 months before that but they couldn't help him. After a number of stays in various psychiatric hospitals he just came home.

He was also in lots of pain from injuries he had sustained related to his Coast Guard work. He was/had been on very heavy pain meds - oxycontin, morphine, etc.

I talked to him just before Fathers' Day and he called his mom the next day. There were no calls on Fathers' Day; not even the grandsons. Tuesday he was gone.

It's been almost a year. Fathers' Day will probably be difficult, but I'm a man and we grieve differently than our wives.

I will always miss him, though. We had great times when he was little and I still see that little boy.

Thanks for letting me take a little space here to grieve "like a man."

If you've never gone through this and can't imagine how it must feel, I say, "I pray you never have to find out!"

Blessings!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you for sharing your story of pain, Wayne. I know it must be incredibly difficult for you. You're right, the dads do grieve very differently. My ex-husband really has had a tough time accepting the death of his only son. We do have a beautiful daughter that continues to miss her big brother. She's in the teen years when she sure could have used a big brother around.

You're still very early on in the grief process, Wayne. I promise it gets easier, but it's only because we just get better at coping. It still hurts, it always will. You'll always miss him and wonder all the "what if's". I still do. It's been 6 1/2 years now for me.

I urge you to check into the message boards at www.beyondindigo.com. There are sections for all types of losses. I'm sure you'll find one that closely fits your situation. There you can read what other parents just like you feel. It helped me tremendously.

Take care of yourself....and you're right, I hate that there will ever be another parent to have to go through what we have.


bailey1 6 years ago

1 month ago I lost my 16 year old daughter who was 8 months pregnant also. She died in her sleep. They delivered the baby girl and I buried them together. I don't know how to even begin to accept this. I was very close with my daughter and I had just begun to accept the fact that I was going to be a grandmother. She was my youngest of 3 children. I've always taken care of them, they kept me busy. My other 2 children are grown and live on their own, but she was my baby and I was looking forward to her finishing high school and taking care of my grandchild. Now, I feel lost and out of place. I don't know what to do with myself. I hurt so bad, and it's hard trying to be strong.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Bailey1, I'm so so sorry to hear of the incredible loss that you're having to cope with. There are so many facets to your loss that make it so difficult. You've had two losses and both of them very different. It's just going to take time. I highly recommend chatting with others on beyondindigo.com. Even if you don't feel like writing how you feel, at least go read what others have written. It will help you begin to deal with the many emotions you're feeling. Hang in there. You'll become stronger and more capable of handling this as time goes by. Just take one minute at a time for right now. Do whatever feels right to you.


Catlyn profile image

Catlyn 6 years ago from Somewhere in the OC

I can't read all of this today, as my grandson would have turned eleven today. We lost him three years ago. But I know this first-hand - his passing was the hardest and most terrible day I have ever endured - and God's comfort and peace continues to carry me through each day, knowing that our precious Gabriel is much alive and well!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by Catlyn on your what would have been your grandson's birthday. You have certainly lived what each of the others speak about above. May you continue to find the comfort and peace you need to carry on.


GinnyV 6 years ago

2 1/2 weeks ago we lost our 3 1/2 yr old daughter suddenly. She developed a temp that would not go away and was hospitalised. Early Wed morning she had a heart attack and despite 1 hr of trying they could not get her back. At the moment I am going thru so many different emotions. Guilt about why I didn't push the doctors harder to find out what was wrong. What did I do wrong.

We are still waiting on autospy results but it is looking like a virus she picked up from preschool. instead of being able to fight it like most kids her immune system could not fight it and it went straight to her heart.

At the moment i feel like I am in a bad dream and not able to awaken. The world keeps on going on and I am not a part of it. It all seems so unreal.

Everything I see and do brings back memories too hard to handle some times.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry GinnyV. You did all you could do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I firmly believe that we can't control when it's truly someone's time to go. I know this is terribly hard on you. You are still in shock just as anyone would be. You are stronger than you imagine. I remember very well the fog I walked around in those first few weeks. I looked at people and wondered how they could go on like nothing happened. Didn't they know??? My world had shattered and I wanted everything to stop until I could get my bearings again. But, as you have found out too, things go on whether we're ready to or not. Just take one minute at a time. Don't worry about anything else except healing. Don't contemplate all of the "woulda's, shoulda's, etc." What matters now is that you take the time to grieve and heal. Feel free to email me through my link above next to the monkey if you want to chat more. Hang in there.


Ladybythelake55 profile image

Ladybythelake55 6 years ago from I was Born in Bethesda, Maryland and I live in Chicago,IL

I lost my three month old son back in 1975 never quite got over losing him I thought the Lord was punishing me for a marriage I should have never made in the first place and I can't post the man's name online because he is in denial about his sexual preference. My son died of SIDS in 1975 the same SIDS that effected so many in Hon Kong back in the 90's and I know what you are going through. No one gets over the loss of one so young. I find comfort in knowing that our heavenly mother is taking care of my son and when we enter into the heavenly gates she will place our children back into our arms.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Ladybythelake55, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your 3 month old. It's bound to be so hard to lose an infant because you never had the chance to see so many of their firsts (1st time to ride a bike, 1st day at school, etc). I know I felt "cheated" and I'm sure that feeling would be more intense when it's an infant you lose. I'm glad you have found comfort and have that to look forward to some day. Thanks for stoppping by and sharing your story.


Ladybythelake55 profile image

Ladybythelake55 6 years ago from I was Born in Bethesda, Maryland and I live in Chicago,IL

I lost my first child, my son Georgie at 3.5 months old in July of 1975. I have never been able to get over it but I have comfort knowing that our heavenly mother is watching over until I can join him myself. He died of an upper respiratory infection related with sids.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry to hear that Ladybythelake55. That has to be an incredible loss to have to learn to deal with. You're right, we never get over it, we just learn better ways of coping.


sdmom 6 years ago

It's a little comforting to know that I'm not the only one who can't seem to find my way back after my son passed. Marc would have been 24 next month. When he died 2 years ago it changed everything in our entire lives. We no longer had to make sure one of us was home to take care of him since he was severely disabled. His care was the center of all of our lives. Now I still feel guilty that we can all just come and go as we please. I feel guilty that his death made our family "normal." I want to move because every inch of town reminds me of something from the life we led for 22 years. I don't want to move because I feel like I would be shedding that life completely. It still just hits me from out of nowhere all the time. I hide it from everyone because I don't want to bother them with my life. It will never end. If I could just end it all I would but I can't because that would destroy my daughter.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

It's so tough, sdmom. As you can see from all of the comments here, there are many of us struggling for that "normalcy" after losing someone so very precious to us. I remember not wanting the new year to hit, because I knew 2004 would never have Kevin in it. Seems silly now, but part of us is afraid to move on from certain things lest we forget or seem disrespectful to the deceased. It just takes time to realize that we carry on without their physical presence, but the memory grows even fonder. Take care of yourself sdmom.


broken mom 6 years ago

My son died 4 months ago. He died in a different city. My family was notified by phone and then the detective sent a photo message of my dead son's face with an oxegent mask to my daughters cell phone. We drove to that town only to be told by the same detective that he didn't realize that my son's body had been moved to the examiners office and that it was closed and if we could come back tomorrow. Then he told us that we could take the body home in our car to save money as pose to paying the funeral home. The following friday, I buried my son. Weeks later, I received the police report and found out that the girl that was with him did not want to call 911. Her little brother call 911 but only after she begged him not to call. I have spent the last four months making phone calls, looking for answers, researching the law in regards to, "Criminal Negligent Homicide and writing letters to the officials of that town. I keep getting the run-around. I am lost. I need help. I am no longer working and I a am broke. I am looking for a job. I want to go to that town and get in their faces. I want answers. I believe my son would want me to get justice for him.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

What horrific circumstances you've had to endure Broken Mom. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself and don't let this consume you. I do understand your need for answers and your desire for justice. I wish you luck and hope you find the peace you desire and deserve.


Sheri Perl 6 years ago

Please see my website and read about The Prayer Registry. This free website service is dedicated to all of the families who have lost children, whatever age that child was when they passed. This site registers the anniversary day of our children's crossing. The members of this online

community,the Prayer Team, have the opportunity to honor their child's legacy, connect with other bereaved parents, and participate in world-wide group prayer for every registered loved one on the anniversary day of their passing.

There is no charge for this service; it is my sincere hope that every bereaved parent who registers a child will join the Prayer Team and be a source of prayer for all of the children on the other side. Each time another child is

registered, the Prayer Team grows larger and stronger.

Please email Sheri at theprayerregistry@gmail.com to register your loved one on The Prayer Registry. By registering, you will have a forum to connect to other

bereaved parents and you will be able to upload comments, photographs, biographies, or any other information you want to share about your child with our community of bereaved parents. Once registered, you will be a member of the

Prayer Team and will receive Prayer Registry reminders one day before the anniversary day of one of our kids.

Please feel free to email any questions, concerns or feelings that you would like to share. My door is always open. I hope that this site provides some small

measure of balm for the wounds of loss. From one bereaved parent to another, I welcome you to my site and offer my support.

This is one club that none of us would join by choice, but since we find ourselves in this unthinkable place, we stand stronger when we stand side by side.


hurdon2000 profile image

hurdon2000 6 years ago from Arkansas

To all who have lost a child you are my Heros!!You teach us all we have to be strong and survive a day at a time.God Bless


Bobby's Mom 6 years ago

Bobby was killed instantly in a dirk bike accident within a 5 minute walk from my house May 26th. I was at work and when I got the call to go to the hospital, i just couldn't believe it. I has just gotten off the phone with him. Fortunately, instead of criticizing him for calling me cell, I told him what a great job he was doing cleaning out the basement. He must have taken a break. He was 17 and his heart was so big, there was barely enough room for all his friends and their needs. He had also sprained his ankle just a few weeks before and jumped in my bed to tell me it was broken. I didn't think so and he slept with me that night, the first in many years and last. I rubbed his arm and wlll always be grateful for that night. My husband died suddenly last June also unexpectedly and Bobby being a minor was buried at Arlingotn National Cemetery with his Dad on the anniversary of his Dad's death. I knew instantly when he died that he was in heaven but the pain has been unbearable. I have 3 children here, a heartbroken 25 yr old sister and 2 stoic young men age 16 and 19 who I just want to wrap up and hold forever. I live in terror of something happening to them. For me, death is not scary at all anymore.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry, Bobby's mom. I too look back at those last times for things have so much more appreciation for the time with my son. For me, it helped having a daughter that still needed me. I was able to focus some of my attention on helping her heal from the incredible grief. I too, am very protective of her now and worry about her safety. I too see death far differently now than I did before. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story.


Dar 6 years ago

I lost my husband in May of a sudden heart attack. We knew he had heart problems for the past 18 years but he didn't have any signs of problems and was as active as ever. I wasn't home when he passed but in another state with my oldest son (39) who had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in April. I just lost him last week - only 4 months after being diagnosed and 3 months after his step-father. I feel so lost, I cry at the least little thing, I'm taking anti-depressants but still can't sleep. I have two other sons but he was the oldest and I had him the longest - he was special in so many ways. How do I cope with losing my best friend and my oldest child in such a short time?


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Dar, you have experienced a devastating loss that few could even begin to comprehend. For you, I would recommend visiting the website www.beyondindigo.com and visit the message boards there. There are forums for all types of losses. You need to chat with others who have gone through the same type of loss. You need to hear from people who have suffered the same pain and hear how they coped.

My advice is to take one minute at a time. Do the best you can with each minute. You will cry and crying is ok. It can be very cleansing. Don't worry about trying to hold it back. Let it flow. It takes time for things to begin to settle down. Each day will begin to be a tiny bit easier.

Remember that your remaining sons have experienced the same losses. They lost a father and a brother very close together. You may find strength in each other.

Above all....take care of yourself. Love yourself.


Pam 6 years ago

A year and a half ago, our community lost an amazing 17 year old to the 'Choking Game', this weekend, another child was taken, this time 21 months old, after choking on popcorn. Life is precious, and although these two gifts were not mine, I mourn there loss. How a mother continues after the loss of a child is beyond me! To all parents, mothers, fathers, friends, and families - my heart aches for all of you. I whisper prayers every night for every person that has lost a child.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks Pam. I remember being at a Mexican food restaurant not long after my son died and watching the panic-stricken face of a mother as her child began choking on tortilla chips. It brought back so much for me. The child was fine, but I so very much related to the terror and horror on her face. Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers, as no mother should have to endure that pain.


Addie's Mommy 6 years ago

My name is Nikki Puckett....I lost my daughter a month ago yesterday. She was five months old. She was born Feb. 20, 2010, she was born at 24 weeks (16 weeks early). She was my miracle baby. We spent five months in the NICU and I was there EVERYDAY. Her passing came quickly, she went completely backwards in less then 36 hrs. In those last 36 hours my husband and I never left her bedside. She died in our arms on the morning of July 29th at 3:10am. It was the most percious moment of my life. However I left the hospital that morning feeling so empty. I don't know how to go on with life. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. We were supposed to bring her home and love her like no other. My world has been turned upside down and I need help. We have started to see a grief consulor and she has been helpful...I wish I could see her more than once every two weeks...any suggestions are welcomed by all.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry, Nikki. You're right, it just isn't supposed to be this way, but please understand that you're not alone. I found it especially helpful to talk to other mother's who had suffered a similar loss. There is a website called www.beyondindigo.com where they have message boards for all kinds of losses. You can connect with other mother's who have lost infants who spent time with them at the hospital like you did. They can relate to so much more of what you're feeling than someone who hasn't had a loss or someone who has had a different kind of loss. I'm glad you're getting help from a grief counselor. It's just going to take time for you to begin to heal. Just take it one hour at a time. It will become easier as you regain your strength. Hang in there, I know it's tough.


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Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

Hi I feel so much for Nikki(Addie's Mommy) Its possible to feel her pain. I think this may be a compliment with your brilliant hub too KCC Big Country. If she hadn't felt comfortable with what you wrote I doubt she would have contacted you. I lost my beautiful 17 year old daughter last year and I know that we all cope differently but we do learn to live with this terrible loss. i f you have time maybe you would like to read my hub ' My Beautiful Little Girl' I wish i could give her a big hug and you too beause this hub is bound to help many. Thank you and well done!!


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Eiddwen, I have just read your beautiful tribute to your daughter and left you a comment there. It was a great story of a mother's love. I'm so sorry that we've all had to endure this indescribable pain. Take care of yourself.


galen bridges 6 years ago

hi my name is galen .i lost my son on 8/6/2010 he was 18 yer 10 mon he would be 19 on 10 28 2010 his lose is killing me and i dont know wat to do i need help bad before i end up like him .


Goldylocs 6 years ago

I can relate to you all. We lost our son 5/2/2009. He would have been 28 this year on 11/20. He died in a motorcycle accident. This was the worst day of my life. I have 2 other children that i have become very over protective of (they are 18 & 25) so I know I cant run their lives and keep them safe but that fear will always be there. No one who hasn't lost a child will ever understand the pain. I tell people to imagine the worst heart ache they have ever felt in their lives and then multiply it by 1000. I tried going to a counsler but I dont think I found a very good one. I have not tried groups but I have heard some are better than others. The one thing that I found helpful was talking to other women, friends, who have lost children, unfortunetly I know quite a few. The other thing is time, the memories and pain will never go away but I can look at pictures of him and talk about him now with out crying. Thats a start.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Galen, I'm really sorry that you lost your son. I do understand your pain. Losing my son has been the toughest thing I've ever endured. I promise you survive this pain, but it takes time to heal a broken heart. Take one minute at a time. You need to connect with other parents who have lost a child. They will understand your pain. I wish you a quick healing.

Goldylocs: I'm so sorry you too lost your son. I understand being overprotective of your remaining children. I find myself being that way with my daughter. You're so right about the pain being the worst imaginable times 1000. I agree that only someone who has gone through it can begin to understand the emotions we feel. I'm glad you've been able to get to that point where talking about him has become easier and doesn't bring on so much of the pain. You are doing excellent.

Thank you both for stopping by and commenting. I'm sorry I was out of town when you left your comments and have only gotten back today. Take care of yourselves.


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TheHubDoctor 6 years ago from Mount Kisco, NY

Thanks for sharing your story. In doing so, you're keeping your son alive and allowing all of us to get to know him as well. It was very courageous of you to share such personal things. Thanks again.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you TheHubDoctor. Sharing the pain is one of the ways we deal with the pain. Kevin is very much a part of everything I do.


Fida 6 years ago

Hi, I just want to share my grief. I just lost my 3 yrs old son on 3rd august 2010 in a motorcycle accident. He is the only kid I have. His babysitter brought him on a motorbike to a nearby shop and they got hit by a van and later knocked down by a lorry. Both of them passed away at the scene. I am still trying to bare the pain. It is very hard to believe that the child that you protect so much and is very healthy and active, is no longer around you in a second. He is gone just due to the carelessness of a human who lost control while driving, I lost the only son I have. The memory of him around the house is so powerful that sometimes I let myself feel that memory which definitely will end up by crying myself out. Luckily I have a husband who is much more stronger than me and he try everyway to make me do not think of the pain. But no matter how we try, as a mother who has been enjoying even the very little thing that our son do, it will be never been easy.

But, I always try to set in mind that no matter how we love them, God love them more & have better planning & better arrangement for them which we do not know. The place that they are now, will soon be the place that we are going too. I will always pray, pray & pray, that one day, God will let us meet because I have been missing him so much!


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Fida, I am so sorry. This is the most difficult time for you. It sounds like you are handling it pretty well though. The pain is going to be there, there is no getting around that. You're going to miss him. I still miss my son. Holding on to the good memories really helps. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. That will make things easier too. Take care of yourself.


Fida 6 years ago

Thanks KCC. Yeah, I miss him very badly.. There are times where I feel like shouting "Please, please come back to me, I miss you so much!" And how I imagine he will come running into my arms, hugging me & kissing me. Holding my face with his small hands and say "mama, I love U" This is impossible, I know... This is the pain that we cannot escape. May God have mercy on us, lessen our pain as mothers who have been nothing but loving to our love ones..


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Fida, each day you'll get stronger and more capable of enduring the pain you feel. For me, the few scattered dreams I have of my son are enough to get me through. I've had some incredible dreams that were very life-like. Your description of your son running up and hugging and kissing you is very much like a dream I once had of my son. It was a very tender and loving dream. I hope you have a chance to "visit" with your son in your dreams some time. Don't get upset or frustrated if it doesn't happen often. It doesn't happen often for me either. Take care.


Fida 6 years ago

Thanks KCC. Tq so much for sharing.


April Mcclanahan 6 years ago

I don't even know where to start, I've read all the other comments and they have been very useful to me. I lost my son in January of this year, he had a heart attack, and what bothers me so much is that I never even knew he had a heart problem, and I am one of these really protective parents if they got the sniffles I was taking them to the doctor. But he died doing what he loved and that was playing football and basketball, he died on the basketball court and was only 15 yrs old. I thought maybe at first he just twisted his ankle so I didn't run straight out there to him, but I didn't wait that long either maybe just a few min. But when I got out there to him he was already blue around his mouth and his ears, and I knew something bad was wrong, he was gapping for air. So that is the picture I see in my head and cant get it out. And he was a twin and my other son is really having a hard time with it, and is very angry he dont want me to talk about it, he says its because I cry. But I try to be so strong for him and my daughter. Its like he want's to push him out and not remember him. And I am not ready for that, his room is still the way he left it that morning he went to school. I cant seem to make myself change it. So I can relate to these people, I hate that any of these people has had to go through it also, but I am glad that I found this site to actually speak with other people that has been through it also because I have no one that knows exactly what I am going through. It's only been 8 months and his birthday is coming up the 24th day of October and I am already having a very hard time dealing with that. Because I already feel guilty of trying to plan a B-Day party for his twin brother and not knowing what to buy him for his. Thank you for your time to listen to me. A very loving mother. My kids are my life.


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KCC Big Country 6 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi April. I'm glad you found some comfort in reading the stories here of other mothers just like you and I that have lost are precious children. My daughter was very close to her brother and took it very hard when he died. I had to lay down with her for a couple of months just to get her to sleep. Bedtime is when she would lie in bed and think too much about losing him. What you said about your remaining children having a tough time seeing you cry certainly reminded me of how it was for me too back in those early days. Just in the same way that you hate to see them suffering through the grief, seeing you cry reminds them how hurt you are too. I'm in no way saying you should hide your tears, I'm just saying that it shouldn't surprise us that them seeing our tears can sometimes make it more difficult for them to hold it together when they're trying to. In my opinion, "holding it together" helps no one in the long run. Everyone should feel free to express whatever emotions they're feeling. My daughter learned to cry with me, but we also laugh and reminisce together. Maybe that's the key....mixing fond laughing memories with the things that make us tear up.

The first birthday and holidays are the toughest. My son's birthday was only 2 wks after he died. With you having his twin that will still be celebrating it, can be challenging, but I think you can find more positives in it than negatives. We have always taken helium-filled balloons to the cemetary on my son's birthday and released them. Each balloon has a note for the finder to contact us. We've had 3 people contact us over the years. The end of October will be 7 years for me.

Take care. You can contact me through HubPages by clicking on the link in the upper righthand portion of this page under my avatar.


Bea Suarez 5 years ago

I don't want to leave a comment. I hate that I am even sitting here at my laptop typing this at this very moment. But just like most people that have been led to this site I can't help but comment and share.

My son Sage River Corpus (12 years old) died on April 9th 2010. In two days it will be six months since I seen his beautiful face smiling. I am stuck in that Friday. I can't get that day out of my ming. I miss Sage so much. I can't believe this has happened. why Us? Why Sage? Why not me? I wish it was me..

Sage and 4 of his buddies went to the bowling alley that night. The boys had arranged their ride there and back home. For whatever reason the mom that was supposed to pick them up did not show so the boys decided they would walk home. The bowling alley is close to five miles from where we live. Vineyards and several country roads are what make the scene of that night and everyday since for me. I called one of the boy's cell to check on them at around 1030 pm. Leaving my house with my daughter (16yrs) to pick up her friend in a town about 12 miles away I was at peace knowing that they were okay. My daughter and I were in the car on way back home with her friends about 15 to 20 minutes after talking with my sons friend when he called my daughters cell telling her that Sage had been hit by a car.

Had I know when I called the friend that they were walking I would have gone to get them.

One of the other boys was hit as well. He suffered minor injuries. I arrived at the scene shortly after the ambulance. What I remember was running over to Sage and holding him in my arms underneath the grapevine where he was thrown by the truck which was about 30 feet away in the vineyard. I knew he was gone. I had a sense of peace because when I saw him he had a smile on his face. He looked so peaceful. There was no blood whatsoever on him or around him. He looked like he was asleep.

The guy is still out there. I got a call two days later from a woman telling me that her best friends' daughter whom I never heard Sage mention and for the most part is 3 years older than him had prayed with Sage just two days before. I was shocked because that was not something I would think of him. The girl told me that Sage called her on that Wednesday saying that he wanted to change his life. He prayed what is called the sinners prayer. He accepted Jesus as his savior on that day with her. wow! for some reason I think Sage might have known somehow someway something about what was going to happen to him. I can still remember his voice, how he looked that day..I miss my baby so much. If I didn't have Johnnie (18) and Sierra (16) I probably wouldn't be here right now to type this. I am very thankful for my children. I feel so honored to be the mother of three beautiful children. I am so thankful to GOD that he choose me to be Sages' mom and that GOD let me meet Sage and be with him for the time however short it was.......it was the best time ever. Sage lived a short but dang good life!

Sage would be celebrating his 13th birthday on Thanksgiving this year.

To all those who have lost a loved one I feel your pain. I know it sucks, its hard to live in this world where everybody else who hasn't yet been where we are now feel that the drama and stress they may have however big or small it is makes life hard. I wish they would shut up and get over it! Losing a loved one is the ugliest and hardest trial of life to endure. Losing a child is far worse no matter how you look at it!

No words bring comfort, no hugs feel good, no one can help us. I will be okay because I have to be no matter what because that is the way life is and it sucks that I have to see it this way now. I can't wait to die, I don't fear death anymore. I can't wait to be with my baby again......ssjerks09 on youtube video memorial for my Sage River Corpus who loved to jerk! Sagey Bud I miss you so much. I love you!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Bea, I understand that feeling very well. That feeling of being a member of a club you NEVER want to be a part of. We're bound together by a common thread (losing our precious children) but would give anything if we weren't. I'm glad others like us have found this to be a place they can share those feelings. It's very healthy to talk about that.

Each story breaks my heart all over again because I know fully how deep the pain runs and living each day wishing we could see them again and wondering why this had to happen to them. As I've said before, no matter how much we think it over, we'll never find a satisfactory answer.

I too have a different feeling about death. Death isn't something I fear.

Sounds like you're doing well for the amount of time you've had to learn to cope. I wish you continued improvement.

I'm approaching the 7th anniversary of my son's death and two weeks later his birthday. This is a tough time of year for me. Everything in the fall reminds me of Kevin. I saw a boy walking today and he reminded me so much of Kevin.


Rob Lukacs 5 years ago

We lost our first daughter Lauren 8yrs old to a brain aneurysm. She has an Arterio Vemus Malformation in the brain. No warning just had it at the post office with me my wife and her 5 year old sister there. This on Sept 18th, three Saturdays ago. I miss her terribly. Some days I go on thinking like she is alive and at a friends or something. It just doesn't seem real. But then i sit alone in her room or look at her urn and shrine in our room and I cry uncontrollably. Its hard to concentrate at work. I was off a week but the company I work for isn't that great and I knew staying out longer was risky. I still have our 5 year old so I just go on somehow.

http://www.legacy.com/guestbook/azcentral/guestboo...

She was so loving and beautiful and so creative. At age eight she was writing poems, plays, stories. Always begging me to buy some type of stationary or diary. Her room is full of these books and papers. Im always so worried I will forget her or how she was. I feel guilty at times when Im not a complete wreck like there is something wrong with me for not always being upset. I try very hard to pay extra attention to our youngest because although she doesn't act upset I do see a bit of a change in her. Its just hard.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Rob, I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter, Lauren. You are so very very new to the grief process. I promise that all those mixed emotions that you're feeling are normal. I lost my son in late October and I ran into a friend at the mall at the end of November when I was taking my remaining daughter Christmas shopping and this friend "chastised me" for being out shopping. She asked me how I could do that after losing a child. She said if it were her, she would be bedridden. What she failed to understand is that is how I felt too, but we somehow find the strength to get up and carry on with our lives. WE HAVE TO! We have our remaining child who deserves as normal a life as we can give them. They are grieving too. They deserve that extra TLC too.

You're worried about forgetting her. You won't. It's been 7 years for me and I haven't forgotten. All the wonderful memories and momentos left behind will help keep her fresh in your mind. You'll one day really cherish those. I know I do.

Take care, Rob. Crying is not only ok....it's very healthy. I still cry sometimes, but not like I used to. It does get better.


Joe Greenwood 5 years ago

I feel for all of you here. I lost my 3-year-old daughter Josie to cancer. May peace find you all, especially those who have lost your children so recently.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Joe, I'm so sorry. Losing such a small child has to be incredibly tough. It has to leave you wondering "why, why my precious little girl, what did she do to deserve this?". We've all felt that way. Nothing will ever convince us it was justified, because it simply isn't. However, we're left to deal with it. We're left to carry on when it sometimes seems impossible to do. But, oddly enough, we somehow find a way. Joe, cherish the time you had with Josie. May you also find the peace you seek. Thank you.


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Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

This was an incredibly heartfelt and well written hub, and I could see by your compassionate responses to each person who left a comment that your heart is as big as the ocean. I read this hub after reading the one about getting through the holidays. I left a comment on the other hub saying I couldn't comprehend how hard the loss of a child must be, but after reading this site, I have the tiniest conception of the tremendous pain and struggle that it causes in the parents left behind. I am so glad that this site is here for them. I lost my first love to cancer when he was 21 and I know his mother never got over it. I, being 18, was able to find another wonderful man to love and have a family with. Thirty six years later, we are still deeply in love and very happy, but my lost love is still with me. He was the reason I became a nurse and dedicated (in my heart) my entire career to him until I retired last year. May God bless you as you once again send forth those balloons on the anniversary of your son's death.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Happyboomernurse, thank you again so much for your wonderful comments. I sometimes feel guilty that the comments are 75% of the content on this page. There is so much more I should say, but find it easier to say it in small bits as I respond to others who are experiencing the same pain.

I'm sorry that you lost your first love. That had to be incredibly difficult. Have you ever considered that perhaps part of his "role" in this life was to set your life down a certain path, i.e. nursing? It's really a beautiful thing when you think about it. I"m glad you've gone on to find a wonderful life with another.

Thank you again.


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Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

You are so intuitive. I do feel my relationship with him led me to nursing because it showed me that I had a natural ability (gift according to my instructors) to ease pain and suffering through touch.

The comments here are so long because your words reach people to their core. Don't ever let it make you feel guilty. You heal others through words and empathy the same way I was able to ease suffering through touch after the loss of my first love.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so very much, Happyboomernurse. You've certainly honored him by giving your life to helping those who suffer. I hope I can honor Kevin's memory as well.


Phaedra Talamasca 5 years ago

Hi. I just found your site. I'm so glad to know that you are out there. You are so right, that it helps to communicate with others who have had a loss. My daughter was murdered by her abusive boyfriend on 5 September 2010. I have lost both of my parents, but nothing, and I mean nothing, can possibly compare to the loss of my child. She was only 23, was in her final semester of college, had finally broken up with her murderer, which is I am sure, why her murdered her. He knew it was over.

I know another mother who suffered the loss of her child 20 years ago. She still walks around angry, and bitter. I do not want to become like this. I have a very strong sense of good and evil here in this realm, I am working very hard to feed the good. To be positive and try and spread love. More than ever do I realize hos precious and fragile life is. I also have a 21 year old daughter who needs me, I must carry on.

Thank you so very much for allowing people to communicate here. It gives me hope, most people don't understand, but I know that you do!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Phaedra, I'm so very sorry that you lost your daughter and in such a senseless way. You are doing remarkably well for someone so new to grief. I also didn't want to be someone that walked around bitter and angry. I chose to celebrate what a had rather than to continue to mourn what I don't. Somedays are harder than others. This week is the anniversary of Kevin's death. In two weeks it would have been his birthday. It's times like these that I miss him most.

Thank you for kind words and you're right, hope is what we're looking for and I know exactly what you mean.


Nadja 5 years ago

I am sitting here on my sofa and cannot believe that I too have joined the club of bereaved parents. We lost our beautiful son Lennon in a tractor accident this July, two month before his third birthday. I was gonna get him one of those kids digital cameras as he loved messing around with ours. I can't believe that this has happened, he was everything to me. Everyone seems to say that time will make it easier to cope with the pain and reading through the posts I can see that there are many mothers and fathers, who have to endure the same and they manage to survive. Please tell me, will it really ever become more bearable? I know one has to live on, I still have a daughter, Lennon's younger sister, who he loved so much, and I must try to make life as good as possible for her. But will this huge pain, the everyday crying, the despair, fear and anger ever stop or get lighter? I miss my son so much, as like every mother I was so proud of him and find it so hard to comprehend that he'll never get a chance to be a teenager, man or father. Thanks for the blog, as even if it is horrible that these things happen so often, it is reassuiring to read that we are not alone. Love


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Nadja, I'm so terribly sorry that you lost Lennon. I promise that time does help heal some of the pain. You will slowly begin to cry less. I think I cried every single day for months. I still remember how hollow I felt inside just trying to comprehend how I'd never see him again. I felt so cheated. I remember talking to other grieving mom's on beyondindigo.com and I found myself thankful for the time I had with Kevin because so many mothers had lost their child at a younger age. You may find a little comfort in that too. At least you had 3 years with Lennon. Some mothers lose their children at an even younger age and missed out on some of the firsts that you got to experience. You know? Nothing will replace that loss of his physical presence. But, if you keep the memories active in your mind, you'll always be able to feel his essence, if that makes sense.

I too had my son's younger sister to focus on. It helps. It helped give me a reason to go on. She needed me and I needed her. It has strengthened our relationship. She was 10 when her brother died.

Today is the 7th anniversary of my son's death. Tonight we'll launch balloons from his gravesite in his memory. It's a tradition we've done every year for his death day and his birthday. I'll send one up for Lennon. :)

Take care. Feel free to email me if you want. Up at the top of this page, on the right, near my avatar is a link for "contact KCC Big Country".


Nadja 5 years ago

Thanks so much for your supportive response, even on such tragic anniversary like today. Seven years, it must seem like an eternity. That you have made it through and are even able to offer your shoulder to cry on to people like myself is very admirable and Kevin must be very proud of his mum for keeping his memory alive. At the moment I cannot see how I can feel at ease again, part of me doesn't even want to. All I want is to have my son Lennon back. So I'd love to contact you by email for a longer chat, thanks for the offer. Your family and Kevin will be in my thoughts tonight.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Nadja. I look forward to your email. The balloon launch went well. About a dozen swirly-colored balloons with notes attached are inflight southward. :) It would be nice to think Lennon and Kevin enjoyed the "show". I told you I would send one off for Lennon and I did. :)


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Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country

KCC-- I have read many of your hubs and your responses to others who have had similar losses.

You have truly honored the memory of Kevin by your compassionate and understanding responses that give hope to many who are coping with an incomprehensible pain.

One of the complications, that I can relate to, is knowing that those who have gone would not want us to live out our time in total grief, and that we can honor memories by recognizing small joys of life as they come.

My wish is that you keep finding the joys.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Rochelle. Hope is the one thing that the grieving parents need more than anything. Hope that one day they will find it easier to resume functioning. In those early days, hope seems gone forever. For me, reaching out to others online was the way to see that others who had lost their children somehow found a way to carry on. That gave me hope that one day I could too. I am honored to be able to share that hope with others.

You're so right that our loved ones would not want us to spend too much time grieving over them. They would want us to carry on just as we want them to carry on.

Thank you again for your kind words.


brokenheart 5 years ago

On 20 October I lost my beautiful little girl Leyla, aged 2 years 4 months, to pneumonia with empyema. I just can't believe this has happened. I keep thinking that if I just refuse to accept it is true then it can't be.

Every time I wake up I think what a terrible dream I've had and then it hits me all over again like a sledgehammer in the chest and I can't breathe.

We haven't had the funeral yet and I've been going to see her to try and make myself believe but I still keep finding myself looking for signs of life. Am I going crazy?

All the time I am asking myself why this has happened, why would God allow this to happen, could I have done things differently, did I not love her enough? How can my husband and I ever start to get through this? I am so full of grief not only over my daughter but over the future that our family should have had. Leyla's older brother is 3 and a half years and we have to keep going for him, he is so confused about what is going on. Our first child, also a son, was born asleep so we thought we had already lived through the ultimate heartbreak and I can't believe I am now the mother of 2 dead children. I feel full of anger; with the world, with life, with God (if there is one, doesn't seem so likely these days). How can I learn to live without my sweet angel?


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brokenheart, I'm so sorry. You describe the feeling well. Initially, it's shock and disbelief. You keep telling yourself it's just a dream. It is a jolt to our system, our world. You have a right to feel this way. All you have to do right now is take it minute by minute. Your heart is broken. Your world is forever changed. There is no need to try to sort out the why's. I know we try to. I did as well. But, I promise that no matter how many times you analyze it, you'll never find a satisifactory explanation for why you no longer have your two precious children. What you're left with is the task of continuing to take care of yourself and your remaining son. Spend what little energy you have loving yourself and loving him. It's going to take time. Each day you'll gain just a bit more strength. All you have to do is hang in there.


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Wendy Krick 5 years ago from Maryland

Thank you so much for sharing your story and helping others. I lost two of my sisters when I was a child. Fay died at 8 (I was 9) and Lydia died and 12 (I was 14). It was really painful and I will never forget. But you go on. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children and it's funny I can see my sisters in each one of them. God bless you! You are a strong wonderful person.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Wendy. That's one thing worse than losing a child....losing more than one. I am so sorry that you lost two siblings. You and your parents have endured so much more than one should have to. It's a beautiful thing for you to see your sisters in your own children. I see so much of my son in my daughter.


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lakeerieartists 5 years ago from Cleveland, OH

KCC, while I don't know you well, I am saddened by your loss, and really there are no words for the loss of anyone dear to us, especially a precious child.

The fact that you have not only found the courage to go on and be the parent your daughter needs, as well as help others in a similar situation is a bit of therapy for us all.

Life makes heroes out of ordinary people through adversity and pain, and while you only had your son for a short time, I am sure that you appreciate every moment you did share. I know that I am very grateful that my daughters are who they are, and that we are lucky enough to have them in our lives.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much lakeerieartists. I do cherish the time I had with my son. It's something that I was passionate enough about to put on his tombstone. I included "13 wonderful years" because I choose to celebrate the time I had with him rather than the time without him.


Jen 5 years ago

We lost out beautiful little boy 9 weeks ago to a 'virus' that took him so suddenly, just like the experience of someone in an ealier post. Although the autopsy results are not through yet, we suspect it was a virus that most children overcome but for little Tate it ultimately stopped his heart. Tate was to turn 3 years this Saturday. I am due to give birth to our second in a weeks time. The occasion is so bitter sweet. I am grieving the loss of my son, so precious and divine, and yet I must welcome with all my heart my baby daughter. Being born into such saddness is not how it should be. But then none of this is how it should be. It is cruel, it is devastating and it is incomprehensible. Tate will not get to meet his little baby sister, something he was overjoyed about, and now his little sister is without her big brother. And although we will keep his memory very much alive within our family and he will be talked about and included forever, things will never be the same for us as parents. We have lost our innocence as parents. How can we now not live in fear of the worst happening again? If we feel we failed Tate then how do we begin to trust oursleves and our parenting skills once more? Tate bought joy to everyone who ever met him...he radiated a peace and love that will continue to live on in us all - especially in his baby sister. Tatey my your spirit soar on silent winds. I love you. x


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Jen, I'm so sorry. Your heart is broken wide open. It's going to take time to heal. Having a newborn daughter will actually help you heal. Pour all of your love and attention into her as you also concentrate on loving yourself. I truly believe that only things that are meant to be happen, if that makes sense. Tate will be with you always. The time you had with him will be even more precious over time. Don't live in fear. Allow yourself the time needed and you will begin to adjust. Take care.


Jenna 5 years ago

My very good friend lost her 6 week old daughter a few days ago and I really wish I could help her but I don't know what to say or do. I have a two year old daughter myself and I can't imagine having to deal with such a loss.

My question to you is, how can I help her?

Oh, I live on the westcost and she recently moved to the eastcost. I didn't even have the opportunity to meet her little angel.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Jenna, I'm sorry your good friend has lost her baby girl. It is very kind of you to reach out to figure out how to help her. There is very little you can say or do to help. Personally, from my own experience, turning to the internet helped me the most because I didn't have to keep a brave face, I didn't have to hide the tears, I could just let it all out as I typed with strangers. I found beyondindigo.com to be extremely helpful in those early days of grief. I could talk to other parents who had similar losses. They have message boards for all kinds of losses so that you can put yourself into contact with someone who TRULY understands what you're going through. I promise that unless you've personally gone through it, you cannot begin to relate to what it's like. The finality of the loss is overwhelming. Offer to be that person she can vent to and give her that site. Other than that, there is not much you can do.


Jenna 5 years ago

We are very close and it hurts seeing her suffer like this and not being able to help.

Thanks for the info about this wesite. I will tell her about it.

I also wanted to let you know that I think your website is great and reading all the stories made me realize how lucky I am to have a happy and healthy child. Unfortunately sometimes people just take it all for granted...


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm sure she appreciates having a good friend like you, Jenna. Thank you for the compliment. I hope this hub(article/comments) helps a few people along the way. It's good therapy for me as well. I miss my son terribly. His birthday is coming up on Thursday. He would have been 20.


Sheri Perl 5 years ago

I lost my son Danny on July 1, 2008 to an overdose. He was 22. In dedication to him I formed The Prayer Registry for parents who have lost children.

Please see my website http://sheriperl.com and read about The Prayer Registry. This free website service is dedicated to all of the families who have lost children, whatever age that child was when they passed. This site registers the anniversary day of our children's crossing. The members of this online community,the Prayer Team, have the opportunity to honor their child's legacy, connect with other bereaved parents, and participate in world-wide group prayer for every registered loved one on the anniversary day of their passing.

Please email Sheri at theprayerregistry@gmail.com to register your loved one on The Prayer Registry. I need only your child’s full name along with the date that he or she passed to insure that your child receives prayer every year going forward on the anniversary day of his or her passing.


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Karen Wilton 5 years ago from Australia

Coping with the loss of a child is truly gut-wrenching. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience. I am deeply saddened by so many comments and so many other parents knowing the pain that we have felt. But I do take comfort from your words and the discussion this has created. I hope you managed to get through Thursday without too much sorrow and were able to celebrate your son's life and memory. Take care.


Miss-my-JJ 5 years ago

I have read some of the posts on here and feel comforted to hear im not the only mother feeling like this..I lost my beautiful 13 year old son on 5th November 2010... I'm absolutely devastated. His funeral arrangements kept us focused but today, the day after his funeral I feel lost, I miss him terribly. I don't know how we are managing to keep things together but we have found strength from somewhere...


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Miss-my-JJ...I'm so very sorry that you have joined this "club" none of us would have ever imagined finding ourselves in. Your post reminds me so much of my own story. My son lacked 2 wks being 13 when he died 7 years ago. Like you, I found myself so lost after all of the details of the funeral had been taken care of. Losing Kevin had changed everything for me. It was hard to figure out what to do, much less what to do first. The best advice I can give is to continue to read what other mothers have gone through to overcome their pain and to take it one hour at a time. Just concentrate on what you have to do and nothing more. Slowly, things will become easier to go through. The loss will leave a painful scar, but over time it you get accustomed to the sting and learn to smile more behind the tears. Keep his memory alive in your thoughts and actions. Take care. Feel free to email me personally if you want. You can simply click on the spot above just under my monkey avatar where it says "Contact KCC Big Country". Take care.


James 5 years ago

KCC, My Daughter passed away 10 days after her 3rd birthday after and asthma attack which led to a cardic arrest. I'm 26 and I everytime I think about her I can't help but break down crying. it's been 3 months yet it feels like it's been 1 day. Chloe Mariana Castillo was my little princess and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do everyday, I lost all motivation and insperation in life.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

James, I am so sorry that you too have lost a precious child. I'm sure you are lost without Chloe. At 3, our world revolves around them, doesn't it? James, I want you to understand that those feelings that you are feeling are completely normal. They are also unlike any feelings you've ever had. I remember those early days when you are totally lost. It's hard to know what to do because nothing is the way it used to be or how you feel it should be. Give it time. Just simply take one day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. You will regain motivation. You will find inspiration again. You will begin to heal little by little. Take care of yourself during this time. Remember to eat. That's something I often had to be told to do.


James 5 years ago

Eating seems to feel so pointless, I just wish I could make the pain go away. It's hard talking to my friends or family that can't relate. I hear all to often "I know how you must feel" yet they have never lost anyone. you seem to be genuine and understand, how do you ever fill the void? I feel like I died inside and just go about my day without a purpose?


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

James, all of the people who have posted here DO know how you feel. I remember someone telling me they knew how I felt but I too knew they had never lost a child because they hadn't had children yet. I later learned that she had lost a brother when she was younger and spent countless hours talking to her mother helping her mother through the grief. So, she knew more than I thought she did, but it's still different when it's YOUR baby. I'd love to tell you how to fill the void, but I haven't yet found it myself. After 7 years, I still have a void. But, what I can tell you is the void no longer cripples me with pain or fear. I now recognize that void as the place reserved for a part of me that is no longer here, my precious Kevin. To be honest, I don't think we even want something to fill that void. We just want the void not to hurt. I know it feels like your purpose has gone and that everything is pointless, but I can assure you we've all felt that and we manage to pick up the pieces simply by taking it slowly. You're trying to look to far into the future. Your only mission is to get through this hour, then this day. Little by little, you get better at doing that. Hang in there.


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reliablesourse 5 years ago from Searcy Arkansas

I lost my daughter 2 years ago Nov.26. She was 25. She had cyctic fibrosis. You never get over losing a child. But I know I will see her again. I miss her so much. Shaunda was my youngest child and my best friend. I miss her so much. I still cry a lot.She did leave me a beautiful little grandson. It took all the strength she had to get him here. He was 7 months old when she died. I see her in him so much. He is the joy of my life. I am really glad I found this hub. It helps me to know that someone knows how I feel.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Reliablesource. I'm so sorry you lost Shaunda. My ex-husband lost a sister when she was in her 20s and she too left behind a child that we so much of her in. Doesn't it make you feel like you have a part of her still since you have him? You must have a really special bond with him. I'm glad you found this hub too. You're right, we all know how you feel. We've all lost a child and understand how devastating that is. Take care of yourself and your precious grandson. :)


haskings63 5 years ago

This is hard for me to write. I've been doing some web searching and came across your site. My heart goes out to all other parents out there who suffer a loss and I respect your comments to each of them.

My story began 20 years ago when me and my ex wife left each other, we had 2 sons together the oldest was 3 and the youngest 9 months old. I signed over full custody and gave up parental rights to my ex wife and new husband, I could not afford the child support, I was not thinking right from being deployed to Desert Storm(I was military when this happened) and I was persuaded that it would be in the children's best interests if I signed my rights over(a decision I regretted to this day). Over the years I attempted to stay in contact with the children via letters, phone calls and emails. Sometimes I got responses or reports to how they were, mainly through my ex wife's father. It was my hope and dream that me and the boys would someday meet again. I am now retired military and working as a contractor in the middle east.

This dream will not happen in part. On December 12(a sunday) I learned that my youngest son (who was 20 and was a CNA) had died in a single car accident on December 1 2010. I was not notified by the ex or her family; believe it or not the only way I found out was through some "tagged" facebook pics of my former father in law which directed me to pictures of a memorial showing my son. They later contact me after I had phoned and emailed their house, however the funeral was already held along with the memorial.

So now here I am. People may question me and say that I did not try hard enough to be with them but I did. I tried everything short of appearing on their doorstep(they are military also)to see them. And now I will never see one of them again. It hurts, hurts very much. Hurts even more with regret that I did not even see him once after they left me 20 years ago. I was with my youngest(actually both of them) in the delivery room bringing them into this world. Spent days and months having fun with them, changing diapers, watching them smile and laugh, feeding them, showing them off proudly to family and friends. And now the pain of knowing one of them I will never see the fine young man that everyone from that side of the family says he was(he died while acting as a designated driver helping others out who were unable to drive home).

He was my flesh and blood, and even though you can sign away rights and privileges you cannot take away someone that is a part of you. Nothing could ever change that. To me when I found out he was dead it was like a piece of me just vanished..poof. It's not fair.

I'm grieving cause of this, I'm wondering what tomorrow's going to bring, and I'm feeling guilt of not seeing him over all these years. Like I said, here I am.

I know there are other people out there who's pain is deeper than mine, the common thread is that the pain seems to never go away. This is a new feeling to me, I lost friends in the military and in the contracting world(I was in Iraq and Afghanistan)but this pain is leaving me in a numbness.

Right now the best thing for me is to continue on with life; focus on what I'm doing and leaning forward to the future.

I can offer no words to others out there that makes the pain and emptiness go away or seem better. All I can say to others out there is to embrace the time you have with your loved ones, especially your children. Go to bed at night having no regrets. Live your life in a way to honor who you lost, and keep their memory alive be showing yourself and others around you that you lead a good life.

Once again, thank you for having a hub here that people can express their feelings, and thank you for your kind words to them.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Haskings63, thank you so much for sharing your story. We indeed have that common thread of having suffered the loss of one of our own flesh and blood that leaves with a numbness that is hard to describe. I would really recommend a little bit of counseling for you. Not so much for the grief portion, because I think you're handling it very very well. The counseling would be for the guilt part. From only having your words here, and me trying to read between them, I think that unresolved guilt over decisions you've made regarding your kids may keep you from progressing very well in the grief process. Does that make sense? I'm sure you'd be able to work through the guilt if he were still here to work through it with. But, by him prematurely being gone, you're stuck with the unresolved guilt and the grief process probably won't help with that.

Your advice to others is perfect. We indeed should strive to end each day with no regrets and honor those we've lost.

Keep your chin up. You were, and are, a good father. You made the best choices you could. Your sons would/should be proud of you.

Take care of yourself. Cut yourself some slack.


haskings63 5 years ago

I appreciate your kind words to me. I also like your split second tribute to your son. Everything you've told people on this hub is from the heart and you provide good information and thoughts to us. Hard to form any ideas or thoughts on how to help someone cope with something like this, unless you physically know that person. But you have a good insight and wisdom on matters of the heart, which is a gift, and thank you for sharing that gift with us. Your personal experiences put into words do help others. I am so glad I found you to listen to me and to others.

You know, I don't have a time machine or flux capacitor where I can step back 20 years and change what happened with my ex. Or in my case 18 days either to stop what happened to my son. Neither can I turn off any emotion where it would make things easier, or the pain go away, none of us can.

My guilt is something that made my focus over the years to be a better person, to try not to make the mistakes of my past. Emotions are an integral part of our being, who we are. In my case from what I've told you about my past, my unresolved guilt may never go away, counseling or not, so I use it as a fuel to make me stay on a better road in life.

Losing my son is an event that left part of me empty and all of me hurting. Your comment to Karen 10 months ago about the heart never healing completely, but the sting lessens with time is good words.

I apologize for having only words here, and they are still jumbled after the past few weeks events with me. It's just good knowing there is someone like you that is there just to read our words from the heart, and share yours with us. I wish we all didn't have to meet this way, what happened to us is an event you never want to wish to happen to anyone, even your worst enemy.

Reading your words to others help shed insight on what other people feel or felt, and I know I'm not alone. Again, Thank You.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Haskings63, I'm humbled by your compliments. I do hope in some small way that I can ease a little of the pain others like us feel. I think it helps to have a place to share feelings, share your story, remember your precious child and lean on each other. As you said, this pain is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

As some of us have said earlier in this thread, we're all members of a club no parent should be a member of. All we can do now is support each other because no one can ever begin to comprehend what it's like unless you've been there.

Again, thank you for your kind words. I'll continue to share what I can, to help who I can.

Take care.


Katie 5 years ago

We lost our son 3 years tomorrow, he was 11 and we were with him.. Not going to go into details but chiristmas is not my favourite time of year but try really hard..Having to take everything back to the shops in the new year and having to explain why you dont need them no more was very difficult...We get up and down but sometimes it's never enough I want him back but I know that will never happen...Miss the hugs everyday and the love...Thinking of you son xxx


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

That must be tough, Katie. I have another hub that talks about those first holidays without our loved one. For you, Christmas will always be tough because of the association you have with it. I understand the part about taking things back to the store. I went with my mother when we took items back when my dad died. It was awkward, but the store staff was sympathetic.

Take care, Katie. I know you miss him and the hugs.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

That must be tough, Katie. I have another hub that talks about those first holidays without our loved one. For you, Christmas will always be tough because of the association you have with it. I understand the part about taking things back to the store. I went with my mother when we took items back when my dad died. It was awkward, but the store staff was sympathetic.

Take care, Katie. I know you miss him and the hugs.


Sun Badger 5 years ago

I lost my son to divorce. A bigger lawyer, rick, and my acting out all contributing. Unlike the dead my son walks in the wold but 99.9% says I will never see him, much less ba a part of his life. At least if he was dear I would have it finalized but for 17 years I have carried it around. Ever holiday is the same from Thanksgiving until Jan I just withdraw. I getting old and live in another state and never here from him even though he knows I am around. Life regardless of what I try has lost all meaning. I do not try and feel sorry for myself. It's just I gave up a great job to be with him and in the end lose both. Now I do not want to go to my b& sister to see their children although I love them. I also do not want to sulk around their Holidays, so I stay alone. Some day I will die, know I have taken the higher road and that will be it. My self esteem is so bad I cannot even put myself out for a date. My cat of 12 years died. There is nothing left.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sun Badger, although I sympathize with your situation, the one thing you have that we don't, is the .1% of hope. You still have that slim chance. You may see it as nothng, but it's much more than we have. I highly recommend counseling, even if it's free counseling with a support group. If you want to see your son, you have to make the effort and quit waiting on him. If I understood you correctly, you have tried to do that some over the years (ie. gave up job to be with him). The holidays are always the toughest when you're not with the one(s) you love. When you say there's nothing left, you're wrong. You have plenty, you just have given up trying. You still have hope. Hang on to it. I wish you luck. Take care.


tinaweha profile image

tinaweha 5 years ago from Seattle (and the world)

I don't know how anyone could ever get over the loss of a child. However, if you have other living children, you must find a way to carry on.

Dear Sun Badger:

Your loss is very common. I have written about it and there is a book that might help you by Joshua Coleman.

http://www.suite101.com/content/estranged-parents-...

and

http://www.suite101.com/content/joshua-coleman--ad...

I get a more feedback on these 2 articles than most of my other ones and it is very common, even if the parent did nothing wrong.


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Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

I lost a 6 year old granddaughter and I loved her as a child and then this summer my mother who I loved like a child since the last few years she had become one. The least little thing sometimes just reminds me of one of them and it is not easy, I pray you see your son in a better place and realize he has already accomplished what we all must face.

Polly


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Tinaweha and Pollyannalana.


davies 5 years ago

i am struggling my son killed himself and i cant cope


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Awwww....Davies....(hugs to you!) I know that is an incredible pain that you're feeling. I am so so sorry. I promise you that you can cope. You are coping. You are reaching out, you came here. You found others just like you. Some of the parents you see above have lost a child to suicide too. They understand your pain. Right now, go to www.beyondindigo.com and click on the message boards. There are forum threads with lots of parents who have dealt with (and ARE dealing with) children who committed suicide. It will help to read what others have to say about how they're doing it. Please check it out. You can email me if you'd like by clicking on the "contact KCC" button at the top of this page just under the monkey. Hang in there!


Sandy 5 years ago

I lost my precous son Austin 39 days ago. He was crossing the street with Friends and was run down by a drunk driver with 2 prior DUI arrests. He died on impact from the horrific injuries he suffered being hit at about 40-50 mph in a 30 zone and being thrown 30 feet to his death. He had just tuned 23 and graduated in May of 2010 from college cum laude and was home applying for jobs, and soon to be engaged. He was my oldest and only son. We were a small but close family the pain of losing such a bright talented ray of sunshine is more then overwhelming. The ONLY thing that keeps me from jumping off the edge is his 20 yr old sister, my daughter the baby of the family. Please please fight drunk driving and push for tougher more stringent laws for these persons that make the choice to drink and drive and murder.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry Sandy. If drunks could only see the pain a mother feels from losing her child. I know exactly what you mean about having another child to focus on. That's exactly what I had to do when I lost my oldest and only son. I sincerely hope that stricter laws help eliminate needless and horrific tragedies like the one you're living. Hang in there.


Sandy 5 years ago

Thanks KCC, this is so overwhelming and incomprehensible. Our son was a quiet well liked HUGE Packer fan, he was aspiring to be the next voice of hte Packers as he graduated in Mass-Comm and had a commanding voice and presence. The Mn Twins were giving him a second interview for the 2011 season. Austin was so awesome and had so many interests in his short 23 yrs. His visitation went 4 hours longer then scheduled, persons waited over 3 hours to share condolences with us. He touched so many people and helped so many in his quiet unassuming way get through difficult times in their lives. We just found that out with the many letters and cards and some from complete strangers. This whole culture of drinking , and drinking to get drunk is out of control. Kids early on are subject to partying alcohol commercials, billboards and a whole culture of having to drink to enjoy life. This is insane, this has to stop. We need to fight for much tougher laws as most fatal accidents are caused repeat offenders !! Germany has a history of a drinking culture and has such laws in place that they don't have the drunk driver problems as we do here in the U.S.

Please everyone help to fight this out of control lifestyle, you may know the next innocent-responsible person run down by a worthless drunk individual !!

Thank you, Sandy... Austin's grief stricken Mom....who we lost on Nov 27,2010 at 23 yrs and 25 days...


Thea, 17 5 years ago

Okay, i hope some of you take some time to read this maybe it will change your ways of thinking of things. I lost my little sister to cancer two years ago. I have three other siblings all older and she was the youngest, at the time of her passing she was seven years old. She had just made her seventh birthday, she was excited about christmas, as she died in november. As she had gone, my dad turned to drugs and my mum became alcohol dependant, it was a subsitute for their pain, my older siblings all delt with their grief in different ways, my little sister dead, my dad a drug addict and my mum a drunk, and my other siblings in denial we needed help, although she was gone, she wouldn't want us living like this- I confided in my teacher at school, for once he listened, he actually cried when i told him about my little sister, Amy. But he helped us, he phoned social services, and myself and my siblings were taken out of my parents care while they sorted themselves out, its been two long years, yeah we still miss her, but the events this family has been through has tested us, pushed us, and healed us, from the insufferable pain Amy was in during life. May she has a peaceful death, love, hugs and kisses from your proud big sister, Thea. Heaven gained an angel xx


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sandy, thanks so much for allowing us to get to know a bit about Austin. What a tremendous source of pride he is! What a legacy he leaves behind of how well liked he was. I know a woman who lost an adopted daughter and her son-in-law on New Year's eve years ago now, but they were killed by drunk driver. They had two young boys they left behind. Grandma is now raising them and has become a major spokeswoman for M.A.D.D. And it's certainly easy to see why/how. I get the feeling you may become a voice for them as well. Please take care of yourself. You sound like you're really doing well. But, I know you're probably a jumbled mess inside and that's to be expected. :) (Hugs to you)


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thea, of course people will read your post and you're right, hopefully they will realize that coping with one's grief is important and certainly if you have additional children who still desperately need you. I hope you understand from reading the comments here, that it is terribly hard for a parent to lose their child and your parents had a particularly tough time coping with it. I'm glad you spoke up and got yourself and your siblings the help you needed. Two years is not that long, so I'm sure you all are still dealing with some of it. I do wish you all the very best. I know you miss your little sister and I'm so sorry she's gone. Take care.


vera 5 years ago

I lost my baby two weeks old on 1st of January 2010 . In this time she would of been one years old. Losing a child for me is the most hardest thing i had to go through.Most painful thing is that we had to celebrate Christam and New Year without her. Nobody will understand unless they experienc it themselves.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry Vera that you lost your precious baby. Those first anniversaries and holidays are the toughest. There really isn't a way to comprehend it unless you've gone through it. Even then, it's slightly different for each of us. Take care.


duckys mom 5 years ago

i was surfing the net .came across this site .i just wanted too thank you for a great place too come when im down. i feel that i have found people that DO understand what im going through .this site can and will save people.thank you so much for the people on here that are willing to share there stories. i lost a son 5 months ago.he was 27. didnt know who to talk too or where too go !!! but i do now ,thanks too you .he was the oldest of 4. ill be back forsure.but before i go .i want too let all of you know my heat goes out too you and i feel the pain for you as a mom , becouse i see we are not alone GOD BLESS US ALL


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Ducky's Mom, I'm so very sorry you lost your oldest son. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad I've created a small space where those suffering from a grief that is beyond comprehension can come and share their stories. We've all been involuntarily inducted into this group. All we can really do from here is support one another.


Sandy-Austin's Mom 5 years ago

Well it is 7 weeks today since my beautiful 23yr old son Austin was killed in a hit and run by a drunk. We received the hospital report in the last few days stating he died on impact from multiple blunt force trauma. I just ache thinking of the horrific painful end to his wonderful life. He was such an Awesome individual. I can't even face picking up simple groceries as I see things he would like that I would get for him. I usually end up just walking aimlessly through the store crying. It is so unfair, he had such a zest for life and enjoyed so many things. He had his hopes, dreams, aspirations and life just taken away. He would be so very very mad knowing he lost this all and we lost him. I miss you terribly Austin and will love you forever !! Mom


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sandy, thanks for stopping by again. I understand that ache you feel. My son was killed by blunt force trauma as well. The only comfort I can give myself is to think it was swift and that he never realized it. That's all I have to hang on to that makes it even possible to move past it. You know?

I also understand that feeling of loss from the realization that our sons were cheated out of a future. That future also affected us. We were robbed of it as well. It's really hard to accept that. In fact, I don't know that we ever fully accept it, but nonetheless we have to move forward in spite of it.

I remember those early days of shopping and how pointless everything seemed. My early weeks of losing Kevin were all during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays and it hurt to see others being happy when I wasn't and didn't feel I ever could be again. But, what hurt me even more was to see people complaining or fighting with their kids. I wanted to scream at them, "At least he's alive! Shut up and hug him!" It really made fighting seem like such a waste of precious time.

You hang in there, Sandy. Austin's as proud of you as you are of him.


Sandy-Austin's mom 5 years ago

KC, Thank you for your caring post to me. You hit exactly how I feel. I had to ask our Mayo Clinic family physician after he read the autopsy results if he thought Austin had suffered with pain at all. I needed to know that hopefully he didn't feel the pain of the horrific injuries. Our Dr. said that he probably had no time to realize what hit him. In as much as hearing that, still realizing what your baby had to endure just brings you to your knees. Being Mom's we are fiercely protective and would do anything to make sure our babies are safe. Yes I truly understand your frustration with others during the Holidays. We lost Austin the day after Thanksgiving this year and he LOVED the Christmas season. As you finally muster the strength to stand in line and return the gifts he had wanted listening to others argue with their kids or just whine about things it makes you just want to scream. I have screamed many times while in the house alone. There are moments you absolutely feel you are going to go over the edge. Austin has a 20 yr old sister who he was protective of and close to, it is so hard to try and be there for her and make some normalcy for her, as I would just rather jump off of a building. I always told my kids if any thing ever happened to them that is what I'd do. Thank you for your time and consideration.....from a grieving Mom to another !


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thanks Sandy. Come back here anytime. Others just like us (God, it hurts to know there will be more to suffer this pain!) will stop by and they will benefit from knowing they are not alone. They will know there are others mom's dying inside without their precious child that was taken away too soon.


pabraham 5 years ago

My son Christopher lost his life at the mere age of 16 due to freon huffing. This was 7 years ago. Feels like yesterday! The guilt is horrible! What a beautiful child I lost. I don't know how i can ever deal with this! Please help!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Pabraham, I'm so sorry you lost your son, Christopher. I lost my son 7 years ago too. I understand exactly what you mean about it feeling like yesterday. I can tell you everything in vivid detail that happened the day before he died and the day of his death. The details are fuzzier in the days the followed, but the gut-wrenching hollow pain is very vivid. I remember well all of the emotions and frustrations.

Have you considered grief counseling? It sounds like you're stuck in that guilt phase that I talk about above. You may have gone through the other phases and easily (or not so easily) worked your way through them, but you keep coming back to the guilt phase. You may just need a little help with that part of it. For what it's worth, it's not your fault. Christopher's death is not your fault. There is nothing any of us could have done to prevent their deaths. Period. I had a mom come up to me and tell me that she wishes she had given her son more of the things she had deprived him of growing up because she now realized after his death that it didn't matter how much we protected them (or thought we were) along the way, they still were going to die when it was their time to die.

Hang in there. You're dealing with it better than you give yourself credit for. It's tough and we all know that here.


Stephen Farrell 5 years ago

thank you for the post at the beginning of this as all those emotions is what sam and myself are going through, i have not read all the comments here and i aplogise for as we have just lost our daughter Mia on the 3rd of decenber 2010 at i feel every thing mentioned at the start of this link, i would like any one to get in contact even for a talk for sam and me to talk over our loss of our daughter Mia, was 18 months old and a beautiful healthy girl, and we have been told mia fell asleep, which we both cant except, my e-mail is stephenfarrell@rocketmail.com we live in england thank you.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Stephen. I'm so sorry you and Sam lost Mia. There is no need to apologize for not having read all of the comments. As you can see, so many other parents just like you have come here searching for some bit of comfort from a horribly broken heart. I'm glad you found us as well. It's going to take time, Stephen. You are so very new to the whole grieving process. Right now, just making it one day at a time is a big task. I'll email you. Take care.


stephen farrell 5 years ago

thank you for your reply and i would like you to email me as, to be honest we are lost, im sitting here sam and our kai are in bed we still have mia,s cot in our bedroom and it kills me everytime i go to bed, thats why im still up now its hard to talk to people you know as i come from liverpool and live in blackburn so my family our not around me every day as sam,s are, not that im saying thats a bad thing cos its not but its hard to do anything, i hope we can talk as i have seen your avatar and dont knoe how to put mia on as mia is my picture on face book, to be honest i just want her back but i know in my mind it cant happen but i ache so much for mia and for family to back the it was, i just need some explanation of why this has happened to us.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Stephen, I did send you an email already. Check your email, you should have it. The subject line mentions it's from KCC Big Country.

In the meantime, I know exactly how lost you feel and at this point, you're right, the only thing that seems to put things right is to have her back. We all want that more than anything and would give up almost anything to have that. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Don't take Mia's cot down until you are all ready to. I left Kevin's room intact for many months, maybe even close to a year. I don't remember anymore. I know it took me even longer to get rid of his clothes. There are still things of his that I have held on to. But I eventually got past the room issue. I have a hub about that too called "The Transformation of Kevin's Room". I have other grief-related hubs as well. One includes a photo of Kevin.

Regarding the explanation you're looking for as to why it has happened to you, you can make yourself crazy mulling this one over. I promise, I've tried. I have replayed every action and inaction, looking for a reason, a cause, anything. Anything at all, that would give it a purpose. After reading dozens of books and scouring the internet, the only tidbit that I could hold on to, was the possibility that it was a predetermined situation. That somehow before we're born we make these pacts with each other and that somehow Kevin had volunteered for this role and that perhaps in some other lifetime, I had played that role. It's the best I can come up with. It's how I handle it.


glenys peace 5 years ago

i have just lost my lovely granddaughter she was 18 months, a healthy little girl, no problems, but was found dead in her playpen on the 3rd of dec 2010, it has been a hard month, her mum and dad are in bits , i wish i could do something to help with the pain they are going through i feel so helpless, and like many other comments on other peoples letters in here they are saying be strong, and she is in heaven, and things like that, i want to tell hem to go away, they have no idea, what they are going through, they have a boy 7 years old. and had this little girl after 7 years, they adored her, they have no reason for her death .


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Glenys....by the circumstances you just revealed, you must be Mia's grandmother....either Stephen or Sam's mum, right? I've seen a photo of her and she is absolutely precious.

I totally understand your feelings about some of the comments people make who haven't been through it. Comments like "he's in a better place" drove me crazy. He wasn't in a better place. He belonged with me. However, I think you'll find that most of the comments in this thread are from people who HAVE been through it and lost their children/grandchildren too. There's really not a lot you can do to help other than to listen when they need someone to talk to and help Kai maintain some sort of normalcy while no one forgets Mia. It just all takes time.


Ankush Kapoor 5 years ago

My marriage is just 3 years old. I had Lost my only son of 1.8 years. His death is so sudden i can't beleive that. He is just ok with a little bit of cough an d i also cheched him from doctor and he give somple medicine. On that fateful night he was sleeping with me at around 12 pm. suddenly at 2 am he is having some breathing problem and within 15-20 seconds he is no more with me. I feel shocked. Me & my wife s very sad what to do please help me by giving any sugesstions. His death day is 07/12/2010.


ankushkapoor7 5 years ago

My marriage is just 3 years old. I had Lost my only son of 1.8 years.His death day is on 7/12/2010. His death is so sudden i can't beleive that. He is just ok with a little bit of cough and i also checked him from doctor and he give simple medicine. On that fateful night he was sleeping with me at around 12 pm. suddenly at 2 am he is having some breathing problem and within 15-20 seconds he is no more with me. I feel shocked. Me & my wife are very sad, we even can't beleive this. I had all his toys, clothes everything same. I feel the fragnanace of my child from that unwashed clothes, i love to smell his small small shoes & socks. We feel very lonely what to do please help me by giving any sugesstions.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Ankush, I am so sorry you lost your only son. As you can tell from the other comments here, you are not alone. It is very difficult to comprehend how they can be here with us one minute and gone the next. It is such a shock to our systems. I so vividly remember seeing my son for the last time on the day he died never realizing the next time I saw him he'd be dead. It's like having ice water thrown in your face. It takes your breath away. I understand what you're saying about your son's clothes and shoes. I still have the shoes Kevin wore the day he died. It's the only thing I left the hospital with. I imagine I will keep them until I die. Suggestions from me? Talk to other parents like you who have experienced sudden deaths of a small child. Realize that he was and always will be, a part of your life and cherish those memories. I know having another child never ever replaces the child you lost, but it will give you someone to focus on. Having my daughter has always been helpful to me. Hang in there.


ankushkapoor7 5 years ago

Thanks for your suggestions. But you understand how difficult it is to apply any type of suggestions to your Heart. Brain understands everthing but the Heart doesn't understand anything. Heart only wants my child back from the God. Heart wants to run the clock anti clockwise to have the same time back.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Yes, ankushkapoor7....I understand that fully. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't long to have my son back. What kind of parents would we be if we didn't? It's perfectly normal. One thing you have to think about is if things were reversed and I had died and my son had lived. Would I want him to be miserable and grieving or hope that he slowly picked up the pieces and carried on? I'd understand him missing me, but I would hope that he would find the strength to carry on and enjoy his life. Death is simply a part of living as much as any other phase. It's just so hard to accept when it hits so close to home.


broken hearted mom 5 years ago

I lost my 20 year old son 3 months ago. he wss at a party and handed a pill. Next thing they know he is dead.

That knock on the door at 4 in the morning with two detectives standing there telling me my son was gone is seared in my brain. Life will never be the sameagain. I loved my son so much and he never was a bad kid or even had any drug problems. Life as i know it is over. i am so tired of crying and thinking what did i do wrong? i want my little boy back so bad. i want to never feel these fellings of pain. You think you are doing okay and them something reminds you of him and bammmm, I am right back to the moment they told me he was dead. I am so lucky that i have 3 other children but i want all my children


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Broken Hearted Mom: I understand how you feel. I'm so sorry you too have lost a precious son. You didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. I remember crying my eyes out every single day. It just takes time for the tears not to flow so easily. I still cry sometimes. My heart still aches. I still want my son back too. Those things never change. What does change is your ability to cope with it. One day, it won't sting so badly when those reminders pop up. You'll cherish the reminders and become grateful they're there. They will be what keeps you connected to him. Right now they hurt, but later they won't. Please take care of yourself.


Julie 5 years ago

Day 11, funeral home called and creamation completed. I have to pick her up. How do I do that?

My beatiful 21 year old daughter. the Joy of my life. I miss her morning texts and goodnights.

How do I get up each day? How do I get dressed? How do I get through my long days. I have to get thank you cards. How do I go to the store?


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Julie, picking up her remains must be very difficult. I know you miss her terribly.

How do you get up, get dressed, go out, carry on? Like the rest of us.....one minute at a time. We've all been where you are. We've lost a child that was so very precious to us. Each day you'll gain a little of your strength back. It just takes time.

You're in my thoughts. Take care.


sharon 5 years ago

I wanted to say I am happy I found this site. I just lost my son on the 15th of January 2011. I hope talking to others that are going through what I am will help me.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Sharon.....I'm so sorry that you too have lost a son. You are in the very early stages of your grief. Talking to other mothers like myself certainly helped me (and still does). Only someone who has gone through it can begin to understand how devasting the hollowness and pain can be. I promise it gets better. Big hugs to you. I'm only an email away if you want to chat privately. A link to email me is just under the monkey avatar in the top right-hand corner of this page.


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thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland

They say time is a great healer, I don't know if that is true. What I do know is that over time the acceptance of such a great loss becomes easier. Our inner most thoughts are always with us we just live around them. Every passing is difficult but a child is the most gut wrenching impossible situation to understand. Much love.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I do agree that time is a great healer for the exact reason you mentioned, thebluestar. It allows one to begin to cope with the loss by slowly learning what life is like without someone we never imagined we'd outlive. Thank you for stopping by and sharing some love. :)


JANET WILD 5 years ago

I LOST MY LOVELY DAUGHTER JASMINE LAYLA WILD AGED 21 4TH DECEMBER 2010 VERY HARD TO TAKE - THE DOCTOR AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS LET HER DOWN. SHE HAD BOOKED A HOLIDAY TO PORTUGAL AND HAD CHOSES HER CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I HAVE GONE TO THE GRAVE TODAY TOOK A WESTIE ORNAMENT FOR HER AND A RABBIT AND THERE IS A BLACK CAT THERE. IF ONLY I COULD BRING HER BACK I WOULD SO YOUNG - TOO MUCH TOO SOON


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry Janet. We all wish we could just have them back. I know you miss her dearly and yes, we have all lost them way too soon. Hang in there.


Annette 5 years ago

My beautiful grandson Marley left us on 19 December 2010. He has been gone 53 days. I miss him so much. It was so sudden. He was 6 years old and looking forward to Christmas. He had a tummy ache on Friday night. On Saturday morning he still had a tummy ache but started vomiting a little as well. We thought it was a 24 hour bug. On Saturday night we took him to hospital. He was gone by Sunday at 6.20am. I was suicidal for a while. I just wanted to die and be with my baby. I know I was his Nanna, but he was with me a lot of the time when he was small, so he was like my own son. I can't see how I can have any future without my little boy. He died 6 days before christmas. He was buried 6 days after christmas, and he was 6 years old. I have started visiting spiritual churches to try and connect with him, and I am looking for any signs that he is around. It is so hard to carry on with out him. They are so many memories of him here. Good night Sweet-pea, love you.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annette, I'm so sorry that you have lost a precious grandson. You are very very early in the grief process. The circumstances of his death (holidays, his youth, no warning) make it that much more difficult to absorb and process. I'm glad you're no longer suicidal and have started seeking outside help. I have my own feelings about being able to "connect" with your deceased loved ones. I do believe they are always with us. You'll find your own way of connecting with him and staying connected with him. I think that pathway can be different for each of us. I agree that carrying on without them is hard....the most difficult thing I've ever done, for sure. Those memories that bring you such painful tears right now will become the most precious gifts of all as time goes by. Hang in there, Annette.


Annette 5 years ago

The weekends are the hardest for me because Marley always came to me on a friday evening and stayed til Sunday lunchtime. It is his little brother's first birthday next week and he is having a party at the same hall that Marley was going to have his birthday in. I can't go to it as all Marley's friends will be there and not him. I don't want him there in spirit, I want him there in body. But it isn't going to happen. I go to the cemetary on Saturdays. This monday is Valentines day, so I will be going to take some heart balloons and some white roses and leave them on his grave. It is so wrong. He should be alive.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I know what you mean, Annette. My son died just 2 weeks before his 13th birthday. We went to the gravesite with every intention of singing happy birthday to him and celebrate his life. It proved to be more difficult than I had expected. I still can't sing happy birthday to him each time his birthday rolls around. We do still go out to the cemetary and release a balloon for each year he would be in age. We do this on his death date too, but we don't have a specific number of balloons on that date.

I do understand that having them there in spirit is nothing like having them there physically. Unfortunately, we can't change that and nothing replaces it. All you can do is gradually accept it. It doesn't happen overnight.


Annette 5 years ago

It is so hard without Marley. I stayed at his grave longer today because it wasn't as cold. I tidied up his flowers and took him a nice pot plant. I know life goes on, but every where I look I see reminders of Marley. I am trying to remember to be thankful for the years we had him, not the years to come without him. It is 55 days since he was taken. I love you baby!!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annette, that's exactly how you do it. You take one day at a time. You do the things that make you feel better and stay connected and then suddenly the day is over and you do it all over again. You will always miss Marley. That part will never change. You will always see reminders of him. Right now, reminders hurt and make you cry and ache all over again. Later, as you become stronger, those reminders will make you smile. You'll still miss him and long for him to be around, but you'll feel blessed for the time you did have with him. Hang in there, you're doing well.


Annette 5 years ago

Thank you. I am trying my hardest to be strong!


dear addict profile image

dear addict 5 years ago from where people are helping people

Thank you so much KCC, it's just to difficult to say more

but truly, thank you

Kimberlyslyrics


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annette, it's not about staying strong. I don't want you to feel you have to stay strong. You just have to be easy on yourself. Realize that what you've gone through is something no mother or grandmother should have to go through. It's a very unnatural process. It takes time to heal. You're doing great.

Nice to see you Kimberly! I almost didn't recognize you. Hope you're doing well.


Annette 5 years ago

It is 8 weeks since Marley was taken. I was trying to stay in bed the whole day and hope it passes quickly. But I have the mental health visitor coming soon, and my sister rang me as well. I am going to a spiritual church toninght, to see if I get any comfort or peace of mind. Nothing makes things easier!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annette, the only things I could find to make it easier for me were talking to others online that had gone through the same thing, reading books about grief and the loss of a child, and time. Having a young daughter at home helped me too. I knew she needed my love and attention because she was grieving too. Trying to focus my attention on her helped. I don't know if any of these things will help you too or not since everyone handles grief differently. It sounds like you are certainly trying by reaching out here and visiting the church. Hang in there.


Juliejaf 5 years ago

It has been 5 weeks since my 23 month old darling daughter passed away from Meningitis B. Lili was a normal healthy toddler who was playing around the day before while we were out shopping. She didn't have her bottle of milk before she went to bed but just turned over and went to sleep.

She started to moan in the night and I thought it was just a little belly ache from ice cream she had at dinner. In the morning I knew something was wrong when she wouldn't get up.

We called for an ambulance and she was taken to hospital were the doctor had diagnosed winter vomiting bug. But as she had only thrown up the medicine they had given her I asked if they were sure. Yes take her home and if she get worse bring her back.

Well she didn't get worse she just had spots that appeared suddenly. We rushed her back her hospital, but it was too late. Her veins had collapsed and they tried for 4 hours to save her.

I can't believe how I was let down by the medical profession that day. That my beautiful daughter is no longer going to grow up, with me teaching her everything I know.

I was strong at first for her twin brother who also contracted Meningitis just hours after she died. But now he is well and all the well wishes have gone, I feel so lonely.

Today I just couldn't stop crying and just want the world to know my pain.

I miss my little girl so much the pain just seems to be getting harder to deal with. Jx


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Juliejaf, I'm so very sorry that you lost Lili. There is an extra layer of pain when you feel you've been let down by medical professionals. I hope you can find a glimmer of relief in knowing they tried for four hours to save her. I say this because I felt better knowing a team of doctors tried to revive my son even after he was unconscious for longer than is normally revivable. It gave me a little comfort knowing someone tried.

Having Lili's twin brother to focus on will help you. Shower him with all the love and teaching that you would have spent on the two of them.

I understand the loneliness of how everyone around has resumed normalcy as if nothing happened because for them, once the funeral is over, they can move on. For us, the grieving parents, we are left with the cold hollow reality that we will never seen our precious child again. Yes, we also dwell on all the things we feel they (and us) were cheated out of. No matter how many times you play that over in your mind, you will never find a way for it to be ok. Yet, one day, slowly over time, you won't dwell on that as often. It'll still come up from time to time. But, you'll be better equipped to handle it then.

Do you have someone you can talk to? Even if all they do is listen and give you a hug? Have you thought about grief counseling? I would also recommend beyondindigo.com. They have message boards that you could probably find parents who have gone through similar circumstances as you. That helped me tremendously in the those early days of grief.

Come back here anytime and share your feelings. Big hugs to you. Take care of yourself.


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wheelinallover 5 years ago from Central United States

I noticed your post is all about the woman's point of view. It's really not that different for most men. A part of me is missing. Something created out of my love, and dearly loved by me. I had a major memory loss about thirteen years ago, the only things that remained were that my child was gone, and the ability to learn. For years I drank heavily because I didn't deal with the loss, had no clue as to how. From my forty years of experience you never do "get over it" but you do learn how to live again.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Yes, wheelinallover, I have written this from a woman's perspective since that's the only perspective I have firsthand knowledge of. At the time of my son's death, my husband and I had just filed for divorce, so I didn't experience his pain with him to really know how it affected him. However, based on the men who have responded to this article(hub), I can tell there are a number of similarities to make my advice relevant to them as well.

I'm sorry that you have suffered several tragedies in your life. I do agree that you never get over it, but you do learn to adapt and carry on.

Thanks for stopping by.


Annette 5 years ago

it is now 61 days since we lost Marley. It doesn't get any easier. Reminders are everywhere. His other nan came over yesterday to visit. When Marley was here we didn't get on, now without Marley we have a common ground that binds us. We both know what it is to lose Marley. How can I manage without him? I had my first tattoo done on Saturday. It was a heart with Marley's name and dates on it. I cried all the way through getting it done, even though it only took about 20 minutes. Marley was only 6 years old but he left such a big impact on my life.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Annette. I know your heart still aches, but I promise it really is getting incrementally a little easier. To expect things to be "back to normal" or "ok" is expecting a bit much. In fact, our "back to normal" will never be anything close to what it used to be. You develop a new "normal". You want there to always be reminders of Marley. Those are the things that keep you bound to one another. Although they hurt when you see them now, later they will make you smile. That shift will come over time.

What a nice memorial by getting a tattoo.

Hang in there, you're doing great.


Annette 5 years ago

Thanks for your comments. This week is especially hard as it is half term, and Marley would have been with me.


Caroline Ellyson Carmichael 5 years ago

I lost my husband March 12, My 32 year old son May 31st, and then my daddy December 5th. Just one heartache after another. My daddy was 96 but very healthy until he fell and hit his head. so I understood that he had lived a very full and fullfilled life. My husband was very sick for over a year but at 60 this was a blow to all of us, My son was only 32 and never recovered from the death of his father. So here I am God suffering with You and me because that is all that is left.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hope you're still doing ok, Annette.

Hi Caroline, what a year that must have been for you! I'm assuming you meant it was all this past year. If that's the case, you are definitely only now probably beginning to process what happened to you. You really wouldn't have had time to get over one before you had the next. I would highly recommend grief counseling. As I'm sure you've discovered, each loss stirs different emotions and are very different from each other. Suffering them all at the same time could easily feel overwhelming. What you have learned, and will continue to learn, about grief could help a lot of people. Someday, maybe you might consider writing a book about it? Something to think about. You've got a perspective that few will ever have and certainly not something anyone would ever wish for. Take care Caroline.


Annette 5 years ago

Hi. It is 68 days since Marley left us. I really believe that he is in spirit, and one day we will be together. I also believe that his memories will go with me wherever I travel. This is what I keep saying to myself and it is helping me come to terms with my loss. God loves Marley more than I ever could - so Marley is happy and loved and looked after in the spirit world until it is my time to pass over. Every day I live is a day nearer to meeting him again. Marley was too special for this world that is why he was taken. I think that God knows when we are all to die.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

You're doing fantastic, Annette. Continue to search for what brings you peace with the situation.


ramheg 5 years ago

i lost my only son 4months ago.it is so painful and i can't accept it..i feel so guilty for being irresponsible mother.because its almost 3years since i left my child to his father.im out in the country to pursue my dreams and ambitions to work abroad.he was 2 yrs old then when the time i left it was 2007, i came back january 2010 he was 4yrs and half then.i miss him so much after a year that i dont see him.i know we really miss each other,after a month i noticed he always had a bruises we go to the doctor september 2010 and it was diagnosed a acute lymphocytic leukemia.at first my husband and i did not accept it..i told them it is not true because my son was so healthy and active 5 year old boy.if you see him you will not find any illness or suffering he had...because every one looks him so cute chubby boy.when the time where in the hospital every one asked me.if my son really had a leukemia because he is so healthy and playful...the doctor told us that he had to undergo a chemotheraphy.so we undergo but my son passed away after a weeks of undergoing chemotheraphy..he just stay 40 days after being diagnosed to leukemia..we been together 9 months since i came back after a 3years being far from him..its so painful and its hard for because i always feel guilty being far from him.im not being good mother..i dont know how to forgive myself and accept that my son is no longer with me..i always asked why? why my son?we were not being together for so long..its so short time that i feel i am a mother and i had a son..i dont know how to star again.


Chance Quentin 5 years ago

My brother was only 2 days old when He passed away. He was so tiny and so adorable. His death was so unexpected he had a brand new crib, brand new clothes, and brand new toys already at home for him in his nursery but he never got the chance to come home. He was buried with a dalmation puppy that my grandmother bought him the day she found out my mother was pregnant. My oldest brother says things like man in a couple years I could of taught him how to throw a football or taught him how to swing a baseball bat and I say things like yeah but he has got the best baseball team up in Heaven. Sometimes I wonder if he is lonely up there but he has got his twin brothers up there with him. We love and miss you Chance


Amy 5 years ago

This is so hard to write about being that it is so new. I lost my Critter-bug, my baby boy on Feb. 20th. His dad found him in his bed. We still don't know why yet. His name is Christopher, and he was 13. I have 2 other sons, 21 and 15. I also lost a beautiful girl, 23, on Nov. 18th, 2007. Her name is Christy and she was severely handicapped, totally dependent. I miss her severely, but at the same time I know she did not want to be stuck in that physical body which was holding her back. Now she is running, talking, and doing all the things her body would not let her when she was here. Christopher was an extremely healthy boy, just a regular kid who liked to aggravate his brothers and vice versa. The Saturday before he passed, we went shopping and ate at Taco Bell (his favorite resturant). The next thing I know he is gone! It was such a shock and we are so devastated. On a good note, I am finding out that he wasn't as shy as we thought. All the things I taught him were not it vain! He befriended the new kids, and the kids no one else would have anything to do with. I'm so proud of him!!! But the pain I'm feeling is so overwhelming I don't know what to do with myself! I just want to be with him and his sissy, but I know I have 2 other boys, a husband, and 2 wonderful parents that need me. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest! God bless you all and thanks for reading my story.


Annette 5 years ago

My little boy has been gone 85 days now. I miss him so much. We have finally got a date for his inquest - March 24 - so at long last we may know why he died.


Mary 5 years ago

I remember ....

It was a shitty day. I was crying because I missed what I had and now I don’t. With tears of joy running down my face, so was tears of sadness. I never had that feeling before today. I didn’t even know people could feel such agony. I tried not to do it but it just happened. I thought real hard to just remember what had happen before the accident. I thought about the times I walked in the door and said “Mommy is home” and seeing that smiley bundle of joy running towards me. Ending in Josie jumping into my arms and not wanting to let go for nothing. It was as if she knew nothing else but me at that moment. No one could ever break her from doing it and giving her unconditional love to her mommy.

At that same moment that same feeling was brought to me September 06, 2009 at 6:27pm when I walked into the emergency room and saw her fighting for everything waiting to say goodbye to her mommy, ME!!! When she hugged me I felt her soul enter my heart. I knew she was saying goodbye to me. It was so hard to be strong for my family, my friends, the nurses, the doctors, and most of all Josie. She was with me the whole time and not knowing it. The best thing about it was she is still with me and she hasn’t gone nowhere but where she always been in my heart. That day is what keeps me alive today. Keeping me strong and alive, I gave her everything and that was unconditional love everyday of her life until the day I see her again to give her the hug she gave me that day.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I’m sorry I’ve been negligent in responding quickly to this thread.

Hi amheg: I’m so sorry that you lost your only son. You can’t blame yourself though. It’s not your fault that he died. Nothing you could have done would have changed it. Please find someone to talk to and help you work through that guilt.

Hi Chance Quentin: I’m so sorry Chance passed away. That’s got to be so tough to have all the new things ready for him and for him to never get to come home to use them. I do understand all of the opportunities that are gone. We feel robbed of all of those future memories. Take care.

Hi Amy: I’m so sorry that you lost Christopher and Christy both. Reading your beautiful story reminded me so much of the memories I have of things I did with my very healthy son the Saturday before he died. You’re right about how it the sudden shock is so devastating and hard to accept. I also learned how popular my son was after he died. I thought he was shy, but it turns out he was well-liked and known for his kindness. It made me proud. You’re doing very well. Hang in there.

Hi Annette: Glad to see you checking back in here. I’ll be thinking of you this week as you hopefully get the answers that will help you.

Hi Mary: I’m so sorry you had a shitty day. I totally understand. We mourn the loss of the one we love as well as the memories we miss out on making. We feel cheated. I’m so sorry you lost Josie. You described such a beautiful event when you were able to feel her soul enter your heart. What a great memory to hold on to. May you always feel that coursing through you. Take care.


Chris 5 years ago

To everyone who has posted something and/or lost a child, I thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine losing any of my children. I do have a question for anyone who could give me a little insight. I started dating a woman about a year ago who just recently lost her 24 y/o son. I was there with her everyday, trying to take care of her. I had to leave town to handle some business. In a matter of a week, she has pushed me away then blamed me for not being there. I love her dearly and want to help but I realize that she will have to handle some of it herself. I have been very supportive when I should listen and when I should talk. She refuses to get help. She says that she is numb to everything. I am very proud of her in the fact that she went back to work last week, even though she had no choice, her vacation time was running out. But she gets up, goes to work, comes home and feeds her 2 other boys (16/9). But it seems that she is not doing anything for herself. I left her alone like she asked and patiently waited for her to contact me. Only to be accused of ignoring her. I want to give her space like she asks but want to help her at the same time. I realize that it may take years and even then life will not be the same. It hurts me to see her like this. I guess my question is, do I just accept her behavior as normal and let her go through it alone? She has told me to let her go but I just can't. How do I help her without pushing her? I love this woman and would do anything to help her, even if helping her would be to leave her alone as she asks.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Chris. Thank you for sharing your story as well. What you're describing must be a terrible predicament to be in. You obviously love this woman. If I understood your post correctly, you've dated her for a year and she's only recently lost her son. So this means you've known what she was like before. I would think this would help you judge when to be concerned. Does she have a friend or family member that you know that you could talk to about her? I'm wondering if she might accept help if it came from someone other than you. Maybe someone she's known longer than a year, you know?

She's dealing with a lot of emotions and a relationship probably complicates matters a lot. She's very lucky to have someone as understanding as you. Don't give up on her. It's just going to take time. I think you're just going to have to balance the "don't call me/what haven't you called me's?" You're probably not ever going to get it just right because she doesn't really know what she wants. I wish you luck.


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Cin_Naranjo 5 years ago from El Paso Tx

i recently lost my son of only 2 months old on March 4th 2011...he was born on December 28 2010. he was a month premature. i am sorry for having such bad grammer but right now all i am asking or trying to ask is why!? or who out there can understand what my husband and i are going through. i cant sleep at nights cause all i think about is what could i have done to have prevented his loss. it happened friday morning....i was woken up by my husband screaming "HE IS NOT BREATHING HE IS NOT BREATHING OH MY GOD!!!" those words and the way he said it will never leave my head...i ran to our room because i had slept in the livingroom after i had feed him and had puttin him down to sleep. my husband started cpr and had the dialed 911...seeing him lifeless and pale wasnt the way a mother should ever have to see their child...but i did and held him. for a moment i lost it and blanked out. i ran to my neighbor and screamed at the top of my lung that he wasnt breathing and ambulance came up and took him and i was up front in the ambulance passing out while my husband stayed at the apartment with our 4 year old daughter we had woked up...as we got to the hospital dr.s told me he had not made it...it wasnt from saffacation but respitory distress because of his premature lungs. till today i have not had an answer on cause of death...i want someone to explain what happened and why!? why i dont have my son in my arms! i replay that morning everyday and everyday i wake up to see if he is by my side...but i wake up to a teddy bear urn....i try to be strong for our daughter but once she is asleep i find myself curled up crying and asking why me God why me!? what did i do wrong!? i try somedays to except but i cant...i want him back! i want our son back!! i dont want to talk to a counsler that has not ever gone through what we are going through...i need to talk to someone that shares our pain or has gone through a loss. So if anyone can help hopefully it is you or someone reading my comment. i need as much help as we can get...thanks Cin


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Cin, I'm so sorry you lost your son. Although my loss is different (my son was almost 13), I still felt many of the feelings you are feeling now. I remember the shock and replaying every detail over and over in my mind, and most of all, trying to stay strong for my daughter and crying every moment I was alone. I also remember being upset when someone who hadn't lost a child tried to console me. How dare they presume to understand what I was going through! They can't! I understand they try and they want to help, but we desperately need to hear words of wisdom from someone who has actually gone through it. For me, it helped to visit www.beyondindigo.com and talk to other parents who had gone through a similar type loss with a child of a similar age. I advise that for you as well. You need to talk to other moms who have lost an infant so that you can begin to deal with all of the feelings associated with that type of loss. I know from where you stand right now you're in a lot of pain, but I promise it will slowly get better. Just take one day at a time. You didn't do anything wrong even though you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what you may have done wrong. This isn't your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently. Replaying the events will never change them and it will never make sense. There is nothing that will make it ok. You will always love him and you will always want him back. But, over time, you will learn to accept it, and carry on with the memories of the short time you were blessed with. I hope this helps, Cin. Please take care of yourself.


Annette 5 years ago

My little boy has been gone 101 days. His inquest was last Thursday. They said he had a very rare condition called gastric pnuematosis - which means he had gas/air in the wall of his stomach. He also had a sudden rise of Poatassium which caused him to go into Cardiac Arrest when they opened his tummy. I went to Marley's school today, they have planted a tree in his memory. It is his birthday on friday he is going to be 7 years old. I miss him so much. I am not having the mental team visiting me anymore as they don't think I am suicidal. I miss my little boy so much. I don't know how I will get by for his birthday. I want to celebrate because when he was born 7 years ago, it was the happiest day of my life - but now how can I celebrate without him here!!!


Tina Gleason 5 years ago

Hi.. I lost my only baby girl 6 years ago on March 11. It still hurts so much and I still cry when I think about her.. I feel like I havent moved on, yes Im living my life but Im still angry and feel lost. and what makes things worse I feel like Im being punished by not being able to have another child. I feel all alone and Im very sad. I feel empty inside and I don't think thats ever going to change, having a baby I think would have filled the void, but never getting to experience the joy of loving and watching a child grow breaks my heart.. :(


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Annette, you're doing well. I hope things went as good as can be expected for Marley's birthday on Friday. My son's birthday came only 2 weeks after he died. I thought I would be able to sing Happy Birthday to him, but I couldn't. I still can't 8 years later. It's an important day and we still honor his memory on his birthday. Hang in there.

Tina, I'm sorry you lost your baby girl. I don't know your situation regarding why you haven't had children since then, but I do understand your feelings of loneliness. You're not being punished, that I am sure of. I'm a big believer that things happen for a reason and you having more children is part of that. Hang in there.


Memoryofmyson 5 years ago

Ive never wrote on anything like this be4 or even spoke to people nfor help but im at the point where i have to try anything just to hang on i lost my boy when he was 6 weeks old and i myself was still 16 and 5 years later i still cannot deal with it at all i dont know how anyone does i struggle 24/7 just to keep finding a reason to keep living such a miserable life i feel like no1 i know understands at all how hard every single minute of every day is I just read Cin's comment and it hurts how much every word i read hurt im exactly the same its not fair no1 else could possibly understand what we have been through without bein through it the words your little one has passed replay in my head 24/7 to the point of absolutely losing my mind the last image i ever have of my son wasdressing him before his funeral and the sight of your babys body after an autopsy is something that cruel for any parent to ever have to see it literally killed anything and everything inside me whatever feeling i have left i feel for you Cin i kno how you feel that the world just isnt right this isnt meant to happen no-one should ever have 2 feel this pain i dont sleep i dont feel anything and all ive wanted for over 5 years now is just someone to understand i fuckin miss my boy and im allowed to every1 expects us to be ok n live some sort of life but if anyone of these poeple was in one of our heads for 5 mins they would run for there life and im sure you know exactly what i mean i may not make much sense im a mess writing this but i hope Cin you can take something out of knoing i feel your pain all day everday and i know thats its a horrible way to live and just cruel why this happened to us we will never be able to answer


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Memoryofmyson.....I'm sorry to take so long to respond. I believe what you've experienced is made more difficult by the fact that you were so young when you experienced it. Any reasonable person can surely see and understand that it would have a tremendous impact on you. You have every right to feel how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel the feelings you have. I think it might help if you could find someone you trust to talk about it too to help you sort through the things that make it difficult to function. Your own health will begin to suffer. You deserve some happiness back into your life. You'll always miss your precious baby. But, it's not only ok to move forward, you really must. Hang in there.


scoutsgolden 5 years ago

We lost our oldest son in a car accident two weeks ago today. He was 18 years old. He had just gotten his first car and was going to community college. He was only a few blocks from home - on his way home to us. There are rumors of alcohol use, but no evidence yet. We had no reason to believe he drank - we dont drink and dont even have alcohol in the house. The rumor mill is very hurtful on top of the loss. We are devastated. We understand things will get "better" but it is so difficult to keep perspective. We also have a 15 year old son who also has to go through this with us. While I have to say that it is a tiny bit better this week compared to last week, we are still in so much pain. Thanks for the opportunity to share.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Scoutsgolden.....I'm so sorry that you lost your son to an auto accident. I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to hear the rumors. What aggravates me is what do these people hope to accomplish by saying it? People really should think about how they would feel before opening their mouth.

What will get better over time is your ability to cope with things. You'll still love and miss your son. You'll still miss his physical presence and you'll still try to resume life without him in it. You'll just get better at doing that as time passes. You'll learn to appreciate life and relationships more. You'll have a compassion for other parents who have lost children. It just takes time. Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing your story with us.


scoutsgolden 5 years ago

It's just so unfair and there is nothing we can do about it. We are hurt and sad and lonely and tired and heartbroken. And, we were blessed to have had him in our lives for the time we had him.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I totally agree, Scoutsgolden. It is extremely unfair and as you said, we are not able to do anything about it. Hang on to that thought about being blessed to have them. You will cherish those years as time goes on. The beauty of what you had will overshadow the pain.


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Cin_Naranjo 5 years ago from El Paso Tx

Hello Memoryofmyson as you know we have simillar lives....everyday is hard and will always be hard. I hate when people say sorry when they have NO idea how I feel! But at the same time I won't be mean. I wanna just find an answer but everything is the same....we just got the call last week about cause of death and I think its a big "well sorry but I don't know what happened to ur son so ill just tell u S.I.D.S okay? Deal with that!" What the fuck? (Sorry) but I am mad! He told me to look it up and I did and that to me feels like he didn't know or didn't wanna take more time to really look into my sons cause of death so he settled with SIDS! I just met a women who lost her 5 month daughter who also got her wings from SIDS and she agrees that that was just an "okay here is ur cause of death now stop bugging!" And another friend lost her 2 week old from a bacterial thing not too sure but she said she is mad because the dr told her one thing and the cause of death was something that could have been prevented....but Memoryofmyson you can email me as well as other mothers that have lost their sons or daughters to SIDS or as young as my son Seth Abel...cin_chavez@yahoo.com my name is Cin and my son was 2 months old. I love him and miss him every second....no one should go through this!!!!!! Life isn't fair....at least for me it isn't. And thank you so much KCC Big Country thanks for making this and for taking the time in replying to everyone!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Cin, I can only imagine how angry you must be to not have all of the answers about the cause of death. It's one thing to lose our precious children, but quite another to have no explanation for it. Then, to experience the attitudes of the medical community. I'm so sorry you and others are experiencing this added pain.

Thank you Cin for your kind words and I'm grateful that HubPages has given me a platform to share my experience with others and that I've been able to provide a space where other parents who have lost children can come to share their stories and get just a little piece of hope.

Take care, all of you! Come back here anytime!


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Cin_Naranjo 5 years ago from El Paso Tx

I've added a picture of my son as a profile picture but not sure if i did it right but if u click on my name his picture will come up....and thanks again for this space that makes us express what we feel inside and dont wanna share with people that havent been through this...thank you.


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D i x i e 5 years ago from Dayton, Nevada

I just wanted to let you know You are the reason I was able to Post my tribute to my son. He lost his 7 year battle with end stage renal failure April 4 2011. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced to sit at his side as his battle ended but I could do no less for my one and only Beautiful Son.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Cin. I haven't found the photo of your son yet but I'll keep checking back.

Dixie, thank you so much. I'm glad I was able to help in some small way. I'm so sorry that you lost your son. I have visited your tribute hub and left you a comment there. It's absolutely beautiful!


Becky Loflin 5 years ago

I lost my beautiful son Marty January 19, 2010, at the hospital in Pinehurst, NC.He was 34 years old with 2 beautiful little girls. He had underwent aortic valve replacement surgery. A surgery the cardiovascular surgeon at this hospital said was routine. (He no longer practices there, but is in another state.) I sat beside my son Marty's bed for 14 days. Losing a child is the most horrific pain you could ever face. It has been 15 months and I can truly say the pain and miss for him worsens each day. It really don't matter how much pain I have to endure or how miserable my life is, but my agony is for Marty whose life was taken too soon and don't get to enjoy all the things in life he should be enjoying.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Becky, I am really sorry that you lost your son, Marty. I know it must be incredibly tough for you watching his beautiful young girls grow up without him. Everyone's grief follows its own path. It really isn't a test to see how much pain you can endure or how miserable you can end up being. I know you wear it proudly, but just know that you don't have to carry on hurting to honor him. I hope things improve for you soon. Take care.


Maria 5 years ago

I lost my son "Daniel" 5 years ago and I have had people tell me it get easier, however I feel worse and I speak of him everyday to get me thru the days. When he passed away I came home from the hospital wanted to be left alone and a white butterfly flew around my head and landed on my shoulder.Do you think that was a sign? I miss him so much.It has put a strain on my marriage.Any advice???


Amy 5 years ago

Hi KCC Big Country,thanks for responding. Things are not much better. Do you know why your son passed away? They are telling us 4-6 months before we will know. (It's already been 2 months) I just don't understand why a perfectly healthy 13 year old boy would just pass away in his sleep! I'm angry its taking so long to find out why. I realize its just another case to them but we are talking about my precious son! I just hope and pray some of this pain will ease up soon. We miss him so badly! Thanks again for responding and I am sorry for yours and everyone else's loss. I know how you all feel. Take care everyone.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Maria, I'm so sorry you lost your son Daniel. Everyone has to deal with their grief the best way they know how. There is no magic timeline. The best advice I can give you is to recommend grief counseling or professional counseling if it's affecting your marriage. You may just need a little extra help dealing with some of the emotions. It's nothing to be ashamed of and there's nothing wrong with you. As any of us here can testify to, this is an incredibly difficult thing to "adjust to". It doesn't happen overnight. We are forever changed. You just need a little help getting to a point where you can function a little better. Hang in there. I'm sure other moms here will be happy to offer advice as well.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Amy, it must be difficult not knowing how he died. I got a call at work from my young daughter telling me that her brother had flipped his go-cart and he was unconcious and bleeding. I instructed her to call 9-1-1 and that I would be on my way. I work 27 miles away. I never made home before the helicopter had already picked him and began transporting him to the hospital. They tried to revive him, but he never responded. The go-cart had struck him in the back of the head when it flipped. The cause of death is listed as blunt force trauma to the head. He was not wearing his helmet at the time. He had left it outside on his go-cart just 3 days before his accident and the dog had chewed the lining up. My only consolation is knowing he was having a good time doing what he loved and he most likely never knew what happened to him. I was unusally calm on the way home to check on him that day because I kept "hearing" Kevin tell me he was ok. I just knew he was. It was quite a shock when they told me at the hospital that they were sorry there was nothing they could do. I thought he would have a couple of stitches and we'd be going home. Some days it's still hard to comprehend how quickly my life changed.


Amy 5 years ago

KCC,my son used to love to ride his dirt bike. I wish I could see him ride it again! My husband found him in his bed on his side just like he was sleeping. The only odd thing we noticed is that he had opened his windows which he never does. He had a little blood coming from his mouth and his tongue was protruding out a little. Of course we tried CPR but we knew he was already gone. Its so hard to get that image out of my mind, but I go around my house looking at the many beautiful pictures we have of him. We were thinking he had a seizure but there was no sign of a struggle or anything. He was covered up and just looked like he was sleeping. Plus he had no history of seizures or anything. I will let you know when we find something out. It is literally about to drive us crazy because we have no idea what happened! Thanks for your support because I really need it right now. There are some days I want to join him and his sister but I know I have a 15 and 21 year old sons that need me, not to mention my husband and my wonderful parents. Take care, and God bless.


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Cin_Naranjo 5 years ago from El Paso Tx

http://hubpages.com/health/LosingmyMIND

THIS IS MY HUB PAGE WITH MY SONS PICTURES....WE MAY HAVE DIFFERENT STORIES BUT WE HAVE BOTH LOST A SON. TODAY I RECEIVED HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE AND IT JUST BROKE MY HEART ALL OVER AGAIN. BUT PLEASE READ MY PART OF LIFE. THANKS AND ITS OPENED TO WHOEVER MAY WANT TO READ IT.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Amy, thank you for sharing your story. I know not knowing must be difficult. I don't know if you've experienced this, but I sometimes have dreams with Kevin in them. Those "visits" are so precious to me. I wake up feeling closer to him again. I crave to have them more often. My daughter has had them as well.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Cin, thanks for posting the link. I read your story and the pictures are just precious. I know you miss him. I left you a comment there. I hope others take the time to read your story.


Amy 5 years ago

KCC, I haven't had any dreams but a few days after he passed I was outside crying and pulling weeds. I turned around to go in and there were 7 daffodils just lying there like in a bouquet. Blew my mind. I checked my daffodils and they had not been picked. Plus I was the only one home. Also, Christopher loved frogs. I was filling up my water jug and there was a tree frog staring at me. Nearly scared me to death! That sounds like something he would do. He knows I'm sorta scared of tree frogs but he would always catch them and try to put them on me. He was a mess. I hope and pray I will get those "visitation" as well. Take care and God bless you all.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I have had some experiences like you are talking about Amy. We were presented a framed painting at my son's funeral that he had done in class. His teacher had it framed in those few days between his death and the funeral. I knew of the painting because he had told me about it. It was especially sweet to have it presented to me at a time I was missing him the most. It was like giving me part of him back. I hung this painting in my living room over the computer desk where he spent a bit of time just before his death working on a Power Point project. For months every time we left the room or the house we would come back and find that painting hanging crooked. We eliminated the usual things like vibrations, doors slamming, etc. Kevin knew how much a crooked picture bugged me. It was comforting to think it was him causing it, just to be playful. One day, it just stopped. It has never gone crooked again. I had a couple more instances but they're too lengthy to explain.

I too hope you get the "visits" in your dreams. It took awhile before I had my first one, and I go periods of time without one, but they're such a treat when I do have them.

Bless you too Amy and the rest of the parents who come here to share their grief.


Janet  5 years ago

How do I deal with grief I was 5 months pregnant and had a miscarriage on 2/17/2011 I miss him so Much


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Janet, I'm so sorry. That must be very difficult. I think the same applies to you as the others. You tackle it one minute at a time, one day at a time. You focus on healing, you realize you did nothing wrong, you realize that life goes on and you are forever changed by what happened to you. It gives you a new perspective on life and what is important to you. Time helps, but it's a slow process. Talking to others who have experienced the same feelings helps. Hang in there.


speacial knaom 5 years ago

I just lost my 3 year old baby girl march 25. She was three years old. She was my world. I hope noone has has to feel this kind of pain. Child birth is painful but this pain lasts forever. She was my little angel. She dies a week after surgery. Love your children every day give them hugs and kisses even if its for no reason you never know when its your time to leave.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, speacial knaom. You're right, this pain is unlike anything else. Like you, I realized how important it is to tell those you love that you love them. None of know when it's our time. Take care.


Annette 5 years ago

I haven't written for a while. It is 19 weeks and 1 day since Marley was taken. It is still so hard. My neice's husband died 2 weeks ago, so suddenly, so I have to attend another funeral. I have a bit of comfort knowing (hoping) that Marley and Michael are together.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Good to see you Amanda. I'm sorry to hear your niece's husband has passed away. Attending other funerals seem to stir it all up again. You relate to the feelings all over again. I think that gets better with time as well.

Take comfort wherever you find it Amanda.


Brother F 5 years ago

Last night my little sister lost her 20 year old son in a motorino accident. She lives

very far away and when she called me this morning I could hear in her tired and panicking voice that a part of herself was gone, and it will never ever come back. After reading about everyone that is still

grieving after many many years, how can I comfort her and her remaining

family? I feel so sorry for her and anything I do won't bring him back. I just can't stop crying myself and that is no help. They were so proud of him!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry you lost your nephew Brother F. You're right, your sister lost a part of herself and many years of grief never replace that. I know it's hard to give comfort to someone grieving the loss of a child. Personally, I think they best the you can do is be there to listen when she calls you. I know you said she lives a long way off. Encourage her to talk to others who have gone through it, grief counseling, or both. It takes time to adjust to a life without our precious child, but we do manage, somehow, someway, usually a day at a time. In those early days it's minute to minute.

I'll keep you both in my thoughts. Take care.


Brother F 5 years ago

Hello and thank you for your kind words.

We went to see her family and attend the funeral, and it was a massive experience. So many near and far relatives and friends attended. She, and her daughter looked so tired and despaired, and I realise that I never understood the true meaning of the word 'heartbroken' until now. I listened, we all cried, asked questions, remembered, and cried again. I tried to give one or two advice from what I read here on your Hub, but at the end - I had to leave her anyway and go home. They will not be alone, I guess, but I will not be there to care for her. I have thought that now is a time where showing even the slightest supportive thought could make a tremendous difference. SMS perhaps? Phone is OK - but what happens when we hang up? She'll still be alone. My sons mention her deceased boy over and over again, and I just don't know if it helps her to hear that my boys are still alive? Life is really not fair. I want to honour his memory, because he was the kind of boy who made an impression on everyone, but I don't want that to cause any harm by reminding her of the loss and the hurt she is going through. This is really bad. And it only just started.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brother F, it is really nice that you care so much for your sister. I think one of the greatest fears I had was that people would forget my son. I appreciated when others mentioned him. To me, it helped keep his memory alive.

I doubt that your sister minds hearing others talk about her son. She's most likely proud. Will it possibly make her cry? Sure. Is it all out of sadness? I doubt it. Part of what we're feeling is a sense of pride in knowing that our son was loved by others.

I know you think it only gets worse from where she's at, but in my case I felt the worst was that initial shock and realization that he was never coming back. From there it was just a matter of learning to cope with that.

Take care.


Brother F 5 years ago

Hello,

Thank you so much for your good advice! I seem to have lost all my imagination myself, so I try to follow them as well as I can. It is a week now, and although she sounds terribly empty inside, I hear that she is really trying so hard to manage, meet people, encourage us to be 'happy' when meeting our friends and look ahead. She is one of the bravest persons I know! Thank you for your helpful and supportive hub.


Becky Loflin 5 years ago

It has been 16 months since I lost my wonderful son Marty. The pain is excrutiating and agonizing each day. Marty died from what the dr said was a routine aortic valve replacement. He told us it was a textbook surgery. A nurse in the hospital in Pinehurst said we would never have peace with the way Marty died. This nurse was absolutely right. There will never be peace in my or my family's life. I miss Marty so much my heart aches and some days I feel as if my legs will not hold me up to walk. I can't imagine going through years without seeing or touching him. There is not a minute in the day that I am not thinking about Marty and what he would be doing with his life. He was 34 with two beautiful children. I wish he had never walked into that hospital.


naomi 5 years ago

BIt will be two months since I lost my daughter Kaylee. She was my world and I'm still grieving. I can't watch cartoons anymore and everything reminds of her the 25th is my birthday, operahs 25th going away show, Christmas, I always see the number 3 or 25 somthing that reminds me of her. I miss her sooooo much. Tell your children you love them EVER DAY. FOR NO REASON AT ALL. YOU WILL NEED ALL THE MEMORIES IN THE WORLD & YOU WILL APPRECIATE EVERY ONE OF THEM. I still cry please love your children!!!!!!!!!!!


Brother F 5 years ago

Hello, apologies for asking, but has anyone experience from finding comfort in talking to your deceased child? My sister does that, and I say it's fine, but somewhere inside I'm a little worried that she may be losing her mind.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brother F, no need to apologize. Comfort can be found in various ways and in my experience, it's quite common for parents to talk to their deceased child. More so in the beginning. It tends to taper off as you begin to accept their death and feel "communication" more with your heart and mind and not so much orally. She's not losing her mind (although I'm sure you'd understand if she was), she's just dealing with it in her own way.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Good to see you again Becky. I know you miss Marty terribly and it's hard to understand how something so routine could turn out the way it did. I'm really sorry. May you find some comfort and peace soon that will help you deal with the grief you're suffering.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Happy Birthday Naomi....I know you miss Kaylee. I totally understand how you feel when you advise other parents to love their children. I remember thinking the same thing right after I lost my son. I wanted to scream at people when I saw them taking their kids for granted or when I saw siblings fighting. My daughter would have given anything to have her brother back.


naomi 5 years ago

Hey big country. Thank you for your kind words. I still find it hard to deal with. Today is two months since she passed. I read it was 25 minutes from your response everywhere I look and read reminds me of my baby she passed on the 25. Your response was 25 5minutes ago. I hate feeling this way. I cry and cry and I'm about to give birth to her baby brother in two weeks. I wish she was here to see her baby brother bein born. I think about her every day, ans I know I always will. Thank you once again for your kind words.


Brian and Karen 5 years ago

Your website is helpful to read; we lost our 21 year old son 3 weeks ago due to a drinking with pills binge. We had no idea of the pill abuse because he worked hard 6 nights a week had a nice car and was preparing to go into military this summer. Our last words to each other were that we love each other and we so miss him. Every morning is like the movie groundgog day where you wake up each morning and have to realize that the tragedy is real over and over again. We experience those 7 stages of grief daily it seems because we are or were a tight family of four and I did so much with my two boys. My other son Aaron is to be a father this fall and this is good although it is sad to remember that Matt was so looking forward to being an uncle. Crying seems to be a normal part of our lives now because we have so many things to remind us of MAtthew daily. For anyone out there that loses a child try to take comfort with friends and family and pray.


lori ginsburg 5 years ago

I just lost my beloved son Todd. On March 5 2011. I also have to other son's, Todd was my first born he is 25 years old I don't know how to deal with this pain and also take care of my other boy's who are also in very bad pain. I can't even stand to wake up in the morning to have to face another day. I Love him with all my heart and sole and I never even got to say good bye to him this pain is killing me. He never even had the chance to get married and have a baby of his own. I will never get over the lose of My son. Todd I will love you always and forever. Love Mom!


bigbird 5 years ago

my daughter just died on feb 25 of this year. it was just like time stopped for me. i was so glad and i begun to understand why people come to your house when there is a death in the family. if no one had come i would have been in my room curled in the bed.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sorry to take so long to respond to all of you, but I've been packing and moving. It's tough taking 30 yrs of accumulation filling 1600 sq ft and condensing it into a 975 sq. ft. apartment. :)

Naomi, I hope you're doing well. I'm guessing you may have had your new baby by now. Focusing on this new little one will hopefully bring you a little bit of joy back into your life.

Brian and Karen: I'm so sorry you too have lost a son. I'm glad reading about others here has helped a little. I remember when crying all the time was the norm. Luckily, the tears slow down over time. I still cry sometimes, and I suspect we always will. It's a hurt that never fully heals. I know you're looking forward to your grandchild.

Lori: I'm so sorry you lost your son Todd. Lori, you are very early in the grief process. You have to remember to take it slowly. Be easy on yourself. Don't expect too much from yourself. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Slowly, things will develop a new "norm". Things will never be like they were before (they can't!)....but you will settle into a new pattern of life....one where we adjust to living without the one we love and miss dearly. Part of our struggle with this process is that we don't want to go on without them. We want to turn back the clock and keep them safe with us. Unfortunately, that's not an option. The only option is to go forward without them.

Bigbird: I'm so sorry you lost your daughter in Feb. I'm glad you had friends and/or family that were able to visit you and comfort you.

I hope all of you take care and forgive me for taking so long to reply.


Brian 5 years ago

Lori you commented: He never even had the chance to get married and have a baby of his own. I will never get over the lose of My son.

We feel the same way and I think this way quite often and truly feel the pain everyday, yes it gets better but I would never wish pain like this upon my worst enemies. We miss our son Matthew very much.


Layla  5 years ago

I was expecting my fourth child Feb 23,2011. I have 3 boys and this was my first daughter and her name was Khenadi Ariana. Everything was going good during my pregnacy(except for the extreme acid reflux)and I got to my 2nd to last visit and still good. About 2 days later I noticed that I did not feel my baby move (and she moved OFTEN)so I did the counting trick of the movements. That following Monday I went in to see the Dr and my whole life changed in 1 second... She could not find a heartbeat. My baby was gone just like that! One week away from delivering a healthy baby girl, but instead I was delivering a stillborn baby. She was extra special to us because we thought all I would have were boys. I was hopeful that I would one day have a daughter so I picked out a name like 5 yrs prior. I still have her that name but its bittersweet because I only now get to use it when we are referring to WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN! After my loss I am having trouble dealing with "what's happens next?" Everything in my world now seems different to me n I am not sure how to deal with it. I am now torn because she was gonna be my last child, but now I'm torn with that deciding factor. I realize it's probably too soon to be thinking that way but I can't help it. One minute I'm pregnant and the next I'm not and I have nothing to show for it except a picture. Going thru the normal healing process after having a baby in general is hard, but not even having the child there to explain why my body is going thru these changes makes it even harder. I have realized that I can only do what I can do. BABY-STEPS!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brian, thanks for your additional comments. I have said the same thing "I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemies". Hang in there.

Layla, I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Khenadi. As I've mentioned before, even though we each have a common bond (losing a child) each of our experiences carries a little different pain due to the circumstances of their death. Losing a baby you carried so near to full term, yet never got to hear cry, etc. has it's own pain that must be incredible. I agree that what you have to do is take "baby steps". Incrementally things will begin to ease a tiny bit. I wish you all the very best. Big hugs to you!


Brother F 5 years ago

Hi,

Today it is two months, or 61 days, or 1424 hours since my little sister lost her 20-year old son. Since then, I have visited this Hub regularly. Tried to take it step-by-step, hour-by-hour, and I find that I have had really good use of the advice on this Hub, and also an article on a related Hub - 'Comforting Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One'. Most important now is that I can clearly see that it does make a difference to speak to her and her remaining family as to show that you are not going to forget their lost brother/son. They talk of him as if he was still there. She lives far away, so phone calls, sms messages, facebook - any way to speak will have to do. Not necessarily daily, but certainly several times a week. Sometimes, my memories of him trigger sorrow in them as we speak, and I find it important to allow myself to get mentally out of my daily hectic life to spend time on these phone calls, as it is otherwise not possible to wait for that moment when the positive side of memories turns up. My sister is really strong, and seems to have developed a dual personality - one official and controlled and one private and grieving. Think it makes her life easier, and I find it so impressive that she is in a mood to take any initiative at all. Respect! Knowing that things can not be changed back, and that she's got a life of her own to manage, makes me have to accept the position of observer and listener. Frustrating to realise that it is indeed a weak position, as I can only change very little from a distance. I guess this will be the 'name of the game' from now on and, for me, this Hub was such a help. Thank you, KCC Big Country, for keeping it up!


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

You are so very welcome, Brother F. It means a lot to me to know that this is a place where grieving parents and friends and relatives to come to share their pain and find courage and hope.

I can relate to what you're saying about your sister appearing to have a dual personality. I too remember going through that. I tried to remain strong and in control during work hours and often found myself crying all the way home (my commute was 27 miles). It was my private time to release everything I had bottled inside me all day.

Keep up the good work. I know your sister appreciates it. Don't worry about how the memories sometimes trigger sadness. For me, they are always bittersweet.


Jim 5 years ago

Lost my son to brain cancer 3 years ago and nothing seems to help to get me back to enjoying life. Such hopelessness that I could never imagine. He was 24 years old.


Regina Murta 5 years ago

I lost my son 20 days ago. I am in despair. He was a plastic surgeon and was adict of opiaceo. He started because he used to have very severe headache. He was 38 and in his life he dedicated to study so hard!

I did not know about his vicio...till 2 years ago when he had a endocarditis because a injection. He was in coma for 2 months...I couldn't believe on that. He never smoke or drank like other young people does. He just studied in all his life. He was considered the best surgeon of rinoplastic here in Brazil. He knew 5 idioms e played very well violin and transverse flauta. He was so inteligent but that day he injected more than the heart could held.

The maid found him in the floor before going to the hospital. His heart started to beat again after the doctor do a cardiac massage but he was with death brain. I could not believe. He seemed alive. In the hospital for 5 days I was there talking to him and putting water in his lips. After days the doctors turned off the equipments in front of me. I can't forget that moment. He was with good color, like alive and then he transformed in a cadaver...in seconds. I cant remember this scene...I think i will be crazy. Please help me. What can I do???? I think I could do more. I colud live in Sao Paulo with him ( I live in Cutitiba- south of Brazil)but he told me milions of times that he was not using nothing . He was working normaly. I never suspected that he was using that opioide injection.-overdose 4 ampolas in one time. But, why? he was a doctor he could know that it could kill him. Why?why?

My husband passed away 4 years ago, sleeping after 37 years of wonderful marriage...but these was nothing compared with my son's death. Please help me. REGINA.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Jim, I'm so sorry you lost your son to brain cancer. I understand that hopelessness feeling. Even though it's been 3 years for you, that's really not very long to adjust to living without someone you love dearly. I try to think about what I would want my family to be doing if it had been ME that died. I wouldn't want them to spend their lives crying and mourning my passing. Of course, I'd be glad they missed me and cared about me, but I would want them to be happy again and to enjoy what's left of their lives. Do you think our sons might want the same for us? Something to think about.

Regina, I can see how much you're hurting inside. I'm so sorry you lost your son and had to endure watching him slip away from you. I know a young man who worked in the medical field that began using substances as a way to ease his pain. It's a slippery road when they begin to do that. He too passed away from an overdose.

Regina, I think you could also benefit from talking to other parents who have suffered a similar type of loss. I encourage you to go to beyondindigo.com and check out the message boards. Even if all you do is read the other stories of parents who lost adult children, I think it will help you. I know in those first weeks of my loss, it helped me so much to read others tell about what happened to them.

All of you, please take care of yourselves. Feel free to come back here anytime and share your feelings.


Tabatha 5 years ago

I just lost my 20 month old baby girl on june 19th....I have a 3 year old son, 2 year old step daughter, and a 7&8 year old step sons....The pain at times is nearly unbearable and I have such a fear of losing another child. Thank you for your story and your strength is something I hope to one day have. Im sorry for your loss..there is no pain like losing your baby no matter how old.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Tabatha, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. In those early days the loss truly does feel unbearable at times. Having lost a child does make us realize how precious life is and can sometimes lead to worrying about losing another child. I went through that too. Now, I try to make sure I tell her often how much I love her and don't take any time with her for granted. I am confident you will begin to cope with this pain little by little. Having 4 kids (and stepkids) under 10 should keep you busy. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.


George P. 5 years ago

We lie in Orlando, FL. My 16 year old son got hit by a car and died on July 29th. I am sad, depressed mad, etc. It hurts so bad.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry, George P. What a devastating way to lose a precious child. As we've all said in the text and comments above, you're going to feel a million different emotions all at once. The pain is incredible. One moment at a time. That's all you can do. Just hang in there. Know that everyone here has gone through it too.


karen 5 years ago

Hi ilost my beautiful so 2wks ago 17.08.2011 aged 14 we have no idea how he died still waiting on coroners report.I have never been so unhappy cant go on cry all the time have moved out of the house he was found in the shower havnt been in there sincluv and that was the last time i saw him alive he was so healthy just dont understand so unhappy will never be the same i miss him so much and i cry all the time.e i love him so much and what hurts the most is not knowing what happen we had such a good day before and that morning he said i am going to have a shower and i said ok


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Karen, I'm so sorry you lost your son. I understand the helplessness you must feel. Moving from the house was a big step, but should help you heal. It's going to take time to adjust to this. Crying all of the time is very normal. I hope the coroners report comes soon so that you can begin to get some closure. Take care of yourself.


karen tasmania australia 5 years ago

Thank u for your kind words so very sad i see people with there boys and i cant even go out when i see people i burst out crying i have a wonderful hubby and a 16 yr old son.Havnt been able to go to the school my son is due to go back next term have had to get my wonderful sister to take him cant go there.So very unhappy and sad dont think i can go on without him he is and always will be my beautifu bubba cakesxx


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Karen, I know how you feel. I remember noticing kids and how they interacted with their brothers and sisters and parents. I wanted to scream at them to just stop arguing or fussing, or being argumentative. I wanted them to realize that one day they may not have that person in their life anymore. Just stop and hug them. It was frustrating for me to know that they didn't get it. It hurt to see them going on as normal when EVERYTHING in my life had changed. It is extremely sad. But, it does get better.


a mum with a broken heart. 5 years ago

hi i lost my son 5yrs ago in november, a day i will never forget, i have lived that day over, so many times he hung himself, he was bad on drugs and acohol and suffered with depression he was 29 4 weeks off going 30. i had 3yrs prior to this watching him self distruck, knowing somethink was going to happen not knowing what but i knew it was not good. he was my best friend we was so much alike,he turned into someone i did not reconised anymore i called help lines to see if i could get him into hospital but theres nothink i could do it was down to him to decide he needed help but that never happened. its 5yrs and im still struggling 8yrs in all, so now i have mental issues and phsical issues to deal with, every day is hard work. i try so hard to get life back i was going to say normal but i will never feel normal again, its learning to live it, and i do think im getting there, although i still have the black days. im sure if my health was better i would cope. i have just found this web site and found some comfort in reading other mums words. we all deal and cope in our own ways


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry for your loss "A Mum with a Broken Heart". Your situation reminds me of just how many layers there are to our pain. We each have different aspects of their death to deal with and some are just more difficult than others. You're right, our lives never will be "normal" again, but we do learn to adjust better over time. I'm glad you feel that things are finally improving a little for you. Just hang in there. I'm glad you found my article so that you can read what others have to say about their losses. Take care of yourself.


Bianca 5 years ago

its going to be 7 months this coming september 22 that i lost a daughter my middle child from the feb. 22 earthquake in Christchurch New Zealand she is just 24 years old. She's just been there for just two days when the quake happen, and she is in one of the building that collapses,she sustained chest injury that caused her death,they told me that she did not suffered for the death is instant and that she did not feel any pain she also did not get any burn in her body like the other victim did coz the building is been on fire and burned to the ground.If someone will ask me if that eases somehow the pain for me i'll say yes for a moment but still thinking and feeling about it nothing will ever ease the hurt the ache and the pain which i am experiencing right now.Its like im in a void or in a hole or a tunnel that seems no light at the end. But i am trying sooo hard for the sake of my other children to be ok infront of them. I always pray for strength day by day minute by minute that i could go on....Its so hard and as the day passes by its getting more harder and harder.I thought my eyes will give up crying from exhaustion but it did not.My hearth is full of grief an unbearable pain unexplainable emotions my hearth always pounding from nervousness that somehow in the back of my mind this might happen again and i am so scared.So what i do is pray and pray for every bad thoughts that comes my mind.I know only God can help me to get through this and my faith that He from above will sustain me strength


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suzettenaples 5 years ago from Taos, NM

I'm sorry you lost your son and at such a tender age. At times like this I am mostly speechless. I don't know what to say other than you have my sympathy and empathy. I think it is wonderful of you to share your thoughts and feelings in this hub. I'm sure it wasn't easy. But, to write about it and teach others what you learned through your pain and experience is to be commended.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

Bianca, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. I hope you can take some comfort from knowing she didn't suffer like some of the others. May you find the strength you need to continue through each day as you begin to get better. I know you love her and that keeps her close to your heart. Take care.

Thank you so much suzettenaples!


gwin 5 years ago

HI I LOST MY GRANDSON THAT I RAISED SINCE HE WAS 9 MONTHS OLD , I WAS IN EVERY WAY HIS MUM HE DIED AUG 27 TH AND HIS BIRTHDAY WAS SEPT 11 TH ITS T MORE THEN I CAN BARE HE WOULD OF BEN 17


Reaz 5 years ago

I am feeling very very sad. I am mourning for a baby boy who was only 2 years old when he expired on last Thursday night. Nobody even guessed that the little angle would leave so early. He was my relative. Apparently he died because of negligence of his physician. Dear , you cannot even realize how sad the death was. you cannot control yourself if you see the mourning mum. Mother told " my son wanted to tell me many things from his dying bed but I could not understand" " I could not keep my baba because i could not take his proper care" " Sameem means valuable asset that’s why my son left me", " my son wanted to colored pencils and bought for him", " no i have no work , nothing to do as my son left me"," my son is too young how he can live without me" , "my son liked to dance with TV advertisement".

My dear friends, I am also a father. I feel the grief and sorrow of an ill fated parents. I am trying to imagine how they felt when the dead body of their only son was brought out from home for funeral. How mum felt when she was brought to her son for last time.

Sameen left thousand pieces of memories for his parents and his grand papa and mama. Now the angle is under dark grave. His beautiful body is now rotting, the body on which his parents , his grand pa and mama kissed.

When I visited his home I could not control my tear. I saw hundreds of his used items. Where the angle sat, where he was playing, his toys, his TV. Everything as usual but Sameen will not come back.

For last five days I cannot forget him, even for a single moment. How he felt his deathbed? How much pain he had to suffer?

His grand pa brought him to his doctor at 11AM. Even at that time doctor asked to hospitalize him he may got better treatment. On the same day at 7PM, one of his relative who is also a doctor checked sameen and saw that he had severe dehydration. She (that doctor) immediately hospitalized the kid and unfortunately the kid expired after several hours at 2AM.

How cruel and inhuman that doctor who treat him at that morning? Actually that doctor was his physician for last two years since his birth. When this baby became sick on 4th September , his grand papa let him to that doctor at least for three times. I curse this doctor(Named- Mesbah , Chamber- Jamal Khan, Ctg, Bangladesh). I pray he should have same sorrow that are experiencing by Sameen’s parents right now. How a doctor could be such inhuman? He did not pay any attention to Sameen’s Mum. She repeatedly tried to explain the complexity of her kid. Even at one stage the doctor forced her to leave. May be good treatment could save his life. I pray to ALMIGHTY for justice.


mick 5 years ago

i lost my son was he was 15 in 1991, then in 2008 i lost my other son he was 29, needless to say i am scared stiff of losing anyone else now.


WandaJT 5 years ago

This is my first attempt at anything since my son died in

2007. My heart goes out to everyone. I knew that I'm not alone, after all these years, even so, I can barely live without him. My other two son's keep me alive and kicking, and distracted. It has torn us apart. I feel like Annie said, "I do not like the world as much without her in it", I feel that way often about my son, yet my two younger son's give me hope.

I was frightened also of losing another child. I fear God now. I try to believe some things people say, like "God needed him more, etc." Well, I don't believe that God wanted my son to die in a horrific car accident at only 22 yrs old. I feel that God plans our lives from the first breath, but God didn't cause the wreck. I believe that sometimes we we are responsible for what we've done. Some things are out of Gods hand's. I feel like so many here, but I refuse to believe it was his plan for my son.

Man and woman went beyond Gods expectations. We are all to grow old and die of natural causes, but the world has become so wreck-less and careless. Disease, sickness, accident's and catastrophe's happen, change's, etc., because the world took on too much. People are dying in more ways that God never intended, and no one is going to tell me it was His will or that He needed my son more than I. The price many pay for worldly thing's.

Yes, I agree the different types of loss have different feeling's of pain. I lost both parent's when I was young. I've lost two brothers, other relative's and a couple friends. Knowing loss and pain to the bone as I do I've grown numb and afraid. I'm the baby of 10 brother's and 8 sister's and I fear losing them, but who know's I could go first. The only two things I fear over death is if there is nothing but the darkness before we were born and never seeing those we love and lost, again. I hope there is a heaven.

I don't work anymore, couldn't keep a job. I got angry over people reacting to small thing's, etc., among other things. My health has deteriorated breaking me down from the inside out and I've aged 10 yrs in 4. I'm in the dark most of the time, I sleep, try to, during the day, in the darkness. I won't go anywhere except to the doctor or when I'm forced out the door by myself. Which is mostly at night when I go outside, look above, and ask "Where are You, James?"

I didn't agree with the stages of grief until I was reading this article as tears flooded my eye's. I go from one stage to the other but I will never accept it. I will feel this way when I take my last breath. It is a good plan that someone created to help us through our loss, but some of us never will. I have much empathy for those who have died, and those who are left behind to live without them.

God bless you, KCC.

God bless every-body.


WandaJT 5 years ago from New Mexico

I need to say, also, about the comment when I'd go first before my siblings. I meant my full-blooded siblings who are all still alive. The first 7 were from my Fathers first wife, and 12 with my Mom. I lost two brothers, who are half-brothers but I consider them brothers too. The oldest 7 were much older than me that I hardly knew them. I'll say this, it was nothing but chaos. I left that 13 yrs ago when I left home. I wish I never did.

huggles to all


julie 5 years ago

I have just spoken to my Sister It is her birthday she lives Interstate and has a good support network of friends.5 years since her Son 18 at the time Was killed in a Motor vehicle. He was the passenger.She worries me,she has had counselling but I feel for her,Im worried this will take her away from us.Time doesnt appear to be easing her pain.She still cries alot.I dont know how to help her?


Drew 5 years ago

Sorry for everyone on here's loss. I personally lost my daughter to a car accident in 1994, she was 4 and a half years old. I was devestated, ended up getting a divorce, and have been raising my other 2 children ever since. I was in a whirlwind of pain for years. I hate to say it this way, but it gets better. I love and miss Taylor more than anyone could ever imagine. I almost feel guilty to find out that life keeps going, but it does.... I love you T.. R.I.P.


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KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas Author

First, let me apologize for getting behind in responding to all of the comments left here. It’s a busy time at work for me and I’ve fallen behind.

Gwin, I’m so sorry you lost your grandson who was like a son to you.

Reaz, I’m so sorry you lost your young relative, Sameem. Medical negligence would be a tough thing to endure. I’m so sorry your family has experienced this. May you all find peace during this tough time.

Mick, losing one child is devastating. Losing another child must be incredibly tough. A cousin of mine was married to man who passed away. I learned at the funeral that her mother-in-law had lost 3 sons in her lifetime. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of that. My heart goes out to you.

WandaJT, thank you so much for sharing your feelings here and I’m so sorry I haven’t responded here sooner. You are definitely not alone. As you can see from all of the comments here, there are many of us experiencing some of the same pain. I can certainly relate to feeling upset with people who argue over petty things. I want to scream at them, “don’t you have more important things to worry about?” Please take care of yourself. Tend to your health and well-being. You deserve good health and happiness. No matter what you believe about how life and death works, whether there is a God and heaven or not, you surely must know that the living are supposed to continue living while never forgetting those that have died and gone before us.

Julie, all you can do is be there for your sister if she wants someone to talk to. With her living somewhere else it makes it tough, but you indicated that she has a good network of friends. That will certainly help. Sounds like she’s getting counseling so she appears to be doing all she can to cope with her loss. Even though you believe time isn’t easing her pain and she still cries, I’m sure some progress is being made. It just takes time. I’m sure you’ll agree that however long it takes, it takes. We each need to take as long as we need to. Thank you for being a caring sister. I’m sure she appreciates it.

Drew, I’m so sorry you lost your daughter Taylor and at such a young age. Don’t feel guilty for carrying on and learning to cope with the pain. It’s what we’re supposed to do. If you think about it, it’s what you’d want others to do if it happened to you. Dying is part of living. We will always have others die before us. We simply must continue our lives. I believe the biggest way to honor those who have gone before us is to remember them with love and tenderness as we carry on with our own lives.

Thank you all for stopping by and sharing your pain. I hope each of you find peace and heal just a little bit more simply by sharing here. Take care of yourself.


Sharon 4 years ago

My little girl died from a rare Streptoccocus virus, she was nine years old her name was Kaylie. She passed away March 13, 2011. She became sick on Thursday and died on Sunday at 8:20pm.

My little boy who is 5 got a fever and flu for a couple of days. This was a around wednesday and thursday. Saturday she went swimming and that night she started to get a fever. She wasn't feeling good on sunday or monday and had a bit of a sore throat. Tuesday she was feeling better and went to school. I didn't discover until after she died that she told the teacher she wasn't feeling the best and wanted to come home. There was only a hour left of the day, the teacher aked her if she thought she could wait. So she waited. That day I came down with a really sore throat at work and was feeling terrible by the afternoon. I work at the hospital so I registered at the outpatients dept and got in to see the doctor. They said I had a throat infection and gave me antibotics. I wish they would have swapped my throat. When I got home that night I was really sick. My husband had to go to work for night shift. When he was leaving he asked Kaylie to help me out. She never once said she was sick. The antibotics were like a miracle and I was feeling better the next morning. Wednesday Kaylie went to school and had a snow sliding party and went to wrestling after school. That night she was complaining that she wasn't feeling good and that her ear hurt. I took her thursday night to the non emergency clinic at the hospital. While we were in the waiting room, she had alot of pain in her ear and alot of watery, whitish stuff came out of her ear. When the doctor seen her, she said that she had swimmers ear and gave me drops for her. If she wasn't feeling good to come back in a couple of days. That night she said her ear hurt so I said she wasn't going to school the next day. I phoned from work on Friday she was bouncing around the house. I ask her how she was feeling she would say good. Friday night around 10pm she started to throw up. I put her to bed and the next day she got up she said she had a headache and that her legs hurt. I asked her about her ear and she said that it didn't hurt so much. She had an apple and a part of a toasted bagel and throw up but no fever. There was a stomach bug on the go so if figured that was what she had. I put her to bed and That night she hardly slept. I told her about 4 AM that if she wasn't feeling better I would take her in to the hospital first thing in the morning. She seemed relieved. When 7 am came I got ready and bought her in. The doctor thought she had a stomach bug too and she was dehrydrated. They put in an IV fluids. Kaylie was really complaining that her legs hurt and was really out of sorts. At about 2pm Kaylie was hungry the nurse gave her a soup and a popsicle. She ate the popsicle. at about 3 pm the doctor came in. I looked at him and asked, "Is she getting better? is she going to be ok?". he said to me "we are not miracle workers, but she is coming around and she will be ok" At 3:40 she cried out to me that she couldn't move her legs she was paralized. I rang the bell for the nurse and everything went from there. She started to get a purplish rash on her stomach and legs. They rushed her to ICU and they were trying to stablize her to take her to the childrens hospital. She went into cardiac arrest. She passed away at 8:20. They let us be with her when she died which was one thing I was grateful for. I really didn't believe that it was happening and I wished that I would have said more to her. I wish that I would have brought her to the hospital on Saturday. I just feel that I let her down and because of it she is gone. The autopsy report showed that Kaylie died from StrepA/pnuemonia/sepsis, They told me that it was so rare that only about 1 in a 100,000 get this and the death rate is high. They said it was really rare for a healthy nine year old child to get this and all of the other cases I heard of had underlying health conditions. So we won the lottery but the wrong one. I know the pain, guilt and emptyness of lossing a child. I know the emptyness in my heart that will never be filled and the guilt of knowing if I have acted earlier she would still be here. I know the pain of still having to parent another child. I just don't understand why me. She was so loved. Our family is destroyed forever.


Xydnei 4 years ago

I have three years old and one year old boys. We both were expecting twins. I started having significant contractions in the early morning. They successfully to able stop the contractions with medication. Four days later, the contractions kept going. From 4cm to 8cm, they rush to the surgery room for the c-section and deliver the boys at late night of 26 weeks. Liam Lucas and Lucas Von were born around 8:11 at night. Both boys were between 2 pounds 1 ½ ounces and 2 pounds 1 ounces.

Liam and Lucas had the breath machine and oxygen. Unfortunately, Lucas Von passed away approximately three days later at 11:30pm September 26. Lucas apparently have lungs problem and had the PDA.

I was definitely a fighter, and I had the opportunity to hold him and comfort him. Lucas was alive for only 3 three days, but his memory lives on with us forever.

I held while he lived and breath slowed, then gone to wherever he belong, it still hurt me every night. I am grateful I able hold my precious for a while. I wish Lucas was still here with his parents and siblings. It been a year, and less a month since he passed. For few weeks, I am not doing so well. I am trying. I know I should be so grateful I still have my two boys, Devon and Liam, it just so hard.

xx


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sharon, I'm so very sorry you lost Kaylie. You are still very very early in the grieving process. Please understand that you're going to feel all of those feelings, but it's not your fault. You are great mother and did all you were supposed to. Give yourself time to deal with all you've been through. Yes, your lives are forever changed, but it will be ok. The person you become will be stronger. Yes, I know we'd all rather just have our children back instead.

Xydnei, I'm so sorry you lost one of your twins, Lucas. That has its challenges but also its own blessings. Reminders are bittersweet. Having a twin that will have his same features, birthday, milestones, etc. will be comforting at times because you can experience a piece of Lucas through Liam. However, you might experience a longing through his eyes. I hope that makes sense.

Both of you please take care.


Drew 4 years ago

Thanks KCC Big country, reading that I could feel a lump comin up in my throat, and my eyes watering up... haven't cried about T in about a year and a half. Keep on doing this, it helps those who think that there's no one else that feels the way they do....to everyone else, stay strong, and focus.. forcing your way through these times will make you unbreakable.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you so much Drew. If you had asked me 9 years ago if I'd one day be talking to other parents about coping with the loss of a child I probably would have gasped in horror to think of such a thing. Yet, here I am.

In just a few weeks I'll be standing in front of my own son's grave as we celebrate his LIFE. A small gathering of friends and family will lift balloons in his memory as we have done for 8 years now on his death date and his birthday. So, I understand much of what each of you are going through although we each have our own little twists and unique ways they have died, but our grief and sorrow are very similar. We go on without them, but always have them in our hearts.

Staying strong is our only option....but knowing that crying and reaching for help is being strong too. You never have to bear this alone. There is always someone out there to help. :)


Dana E Fox Jr. 4 years ago

My son would have been 20 next August. He died Feb. 27th 2010. I wish for some peace inside....


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Dana, I'm sorry you have lost your son. May you find the peace you long for.


Sara 4 years ago

I haven't lost a child. I'm only sixteen (in 3 days time), I'm way too young for having children. But since being sexually abused by my own father when I was 7 years old, I've been physically broken. I lost my childhood, was deathly afraid of male adults. I can't count the amount of times I've attempted to do suicide. I've almost succeeded a few times... I finally went to the police a couple of weeks ago. It feels like I lost my entire childhood. I mean, I haven't been to school for two years now, because I'm too afraid to leave my own room. I've got a Body Mass Index less than 20, and I'm ten kilos lighter than is healthy. I'm a person who judges myself the hardest, so I also hate my inability to function like everyone else. Simple tasks, eating, showering, drinking, they all are incredibly difficult for me. I would have had to repeat two years of schooling, had I not had a high IQ which kept me on top of the class even when I hadn't studied for two years. Secretly, I'm even afraid of my mothers new, and only boyfriend since she divorced my father when I was 3. Though, I know he isn't that type of person, I feel scared anyways. That night, when I was 7, I protected my younger 5 year old sister from my father, because that was the right thing for me to do. Nowadays, I cry myself to sleep, my only reassurance being that he hadn't touched my sister. Half my friends are now all talking about a school summer formal dance, and I feel that if I were to go, even if I manage to go to school this term, it'd be wrong. I'd seen a counciler for 7 years now... and for half of my life already, I've felt dead. I have guilt for everything, and I feel like a burdern.. yet, recently I'm trying to live once more... something I haven't done properly ever since what happened with my father. Though, most days I feel like it'd be more humane for me to just be put down like a dog. Yet, one of the major things preventing me from doing suicide, is everyone I know. Everyone I meet, somehow I have a place in their hearts... I'm scared at hurting them... I make friends really easily, and I'm surrounded by good, positive people....

My birthday is coming up in three days, my mother wants me to invite over some friends... honestly, I have no idea what to do with my life.

Though, even though I've wished myself dead a thousand times and more, I can't. It's not actually possible for me to commit suicide... I have an inner turmoil which I can't heal... and a fractured trust in letting people close to my family. I'm only a child still, it upsets me to know that someone my age, since they were 8, have wanted to die, even if that person is me. I used to always put other people first, and now because of that, I have to work hard to find out my emotions.

Maybe this has no relavance to what this thing is about, but I feel like I lost my younger self, my inner child. It hurts, and I keep wondering how much happier my life would have been if my father never touched me that way.

Is that what it feels like to lose a child, to feel utterly dead, and to blame yourself for everything?


George P 4 years ago

Hi everyone. THis is George again. It's been 21/2 months since I lost my 16 yr old son. I was doing ok and then The last 3 days have been so hard. I miss Georgie, I cry, I blame me for moving us to Florida for a "betterlife". God, what did I do? What in the world did I do?


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sara....hope you had a great Happy 16th Birthday.....I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner. I have to admit, your post is very different from the other posts I get on this article, but I can see how you relate. I've never thought about how it must feel to feel that you've lost the child within YOURSELF. I think you may be on to something. I can see where the feelings might be similar. I know you said you've been seeing a counselor and I urge you to keep working with them and to continue to surround yourself with positive friends. You can overcome this.

George, you have done the best you CAN do. Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing what you need to do to help your family heal something that takes time to heal from. Crying is ok. There will come a day when the tears don't come quite as quickly. It won't mean that you will stop caring, it will mean that you've learned to cope with it better.

Take care, all.


Stanley Ostrowski 4 years ago

my son dide and i want to be with him so im going to kill myself and try to be with him he was only 15 ,,,he needs me up there plus i miss him ssooo much


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Stanley, killing yourself is not the answer. He doesn't need you with him. Just imagine all of our kids who have died and most of them younger than your son. They are fine where they are. They are surrounded with love. You and I are still here for a reason. There is more living we have to do. I know you miss him, I miss my son. But, killing yourself is not the answer. Please please please talk to someone today that can help you. Reach out to someone you trust, even if it's a stranger. Hang in there, you can gain some strength back.


Kimberly 4 years ago

My son died almost 3 years ago. He died less than a month before turning 12. The NCS's advertisement where different celebrities sing Happy Birthday KILLS me EVERY TIME it airs and here lately it airs ALL the time. Maybe it is his way of singing Happy Birthday to me since he died just 2 days after my own birthday and I have actually always thought of him as leaving me on my Birthday because from that day to his last we had to keep him in a type of medically induced coma. I have been searching for answers to why since he was a baby and first diagnosed with cancer at 4 months old but I never let that control our lives. We had as much fun as we could fit in between treatments and no one ever knew he was even sick unless his head was bald. He LIVED until the day before my birthday and he was my joy and friend. We had a bond that I have not even shared with my other two children. I was the last person he spoke to and I was the one holding him when he finally did leave this physical world. I have felt lost, broken, fearful, missing, basically as if I am only here physically and not really living. Even when I am having a good time and laughing it feels fake. All I want is to feel real again. I have two boys still here that are missing their brother, a husband who misses his son, and Grandparents that miss their grandson and their hearts ache for their children who lost their son. I have to be strong for them but all I really want to do is curl up and cry. I have not allowed myself to truly mourn because I am so terrified of not being able to return from that spot. I do not go to the support groups (not even the ones for parents who have lost their children to cancer like I did) because I can not stand to hear any others stories. The only regret I have having to do with his life is that he had cancer. We did almost everything there was to do and we never let that stupid disease control what we did, sure it controlled when we could do those things but we still did everything he or I wanted to do together.

I am sorry I have been all over the place and I have to stop here because I am getting way to deep into this hole and no real time today to deal with these emotions. It is just exceptionally hard right now because October 28th is my birthday and he would have turned 15 this year in November.

I am sorry I have to go. Thank you for posting this. You said so many things I have said or want to say but just have not had the courage to say out load yet. Thank you


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Kimberly, I’m so sorry that you lost your son. I’m aware of the commercial you’re talking about. It’s a powerful commercial. I admire your strength for being one of the parents that lived years with helping your child have as normal a life as possible while you watched cancer take them from you. That has to be incredibly tough. For me, death was sudden and completely unexpected. However, nothing in the world can prepare you for the pain their death brings whether it’s sudden or slow and agonizing. It concerns me that you are holding back on your own mourning in an effort to remain strong for others. I know you say you feel like doing so might jeopardize your ability to return from that spot. I urge you to try. I didn’t like the support groups I attended, but I found a lot of relief from reading other people’s stories online at a site called beyondindigo.com. Maybe it can help you too. There are message boards there for all types of losses. Maybe reading about losses from cancer is not the place to start. Maybe just relating to other parents with other types of losses will help more. Do whatever feels right. Don’t be afraid to cry and let the emotion flow. It can be very cleansing. You sound like you have a great support system (husband, other children, grandparents, etc). Don’t be afraid to lean on them when YOU need it. Your loss deserves recognition.

You are very proud of the fact that you didn’t let cancer control your life when your son was alive. I urge you to continue the “fight” and not let cancer rob you of your happiness now. You deserve to lead a happy life and I’m sure our sons would have wanted that.

Regarding October 28th. …I will be thinking of you that day. That is the anniversary of my own son’s death. His birthday is in Nov and would have turned 21 this year.

Take care, Kimberly.


yvette7 4 years ago

I am living my worst nightmare, one I never thought would happen to me. My 19 year old daughter passed away on September 21, 2011. She was in the ICU for three months with sepsis and ARDS, a lung condition I never heard of until my daughter died of complications associated with appendicitis. It all happened so sudden, she was a very healthy and beautiful young girl. I will never understand why and how this happened to us. We didn't even have the chance to say goodbye, she developed brain damage due to a lack of oxygen to her brain and she was always sedated and unable to talk because she was intubated the whole time she was hospitalized. It was an extremely horrible experience to watch her die this way and I am struggling to accept the fact that she is gone. I have become numb to everything around me, I feel as though this life is not real anymore. I cannot cry, laugh, eat or sleep...I am waiting for the day when I wake up from this bad dream. I can still hear her talking to me and I often question my own sanity. I walk into her room and call her name in the mornings only to realize she is no longer there. I sit and wait for her to come home from school every afternoon. Leaving my house has become a struggle for me, I cannot even bring myself to face other people. I have developed panic attacks, anxiety and nightmares on a daily basis. Every time I see the urn and her photos that we have in our home I begin to shake uncontrollably and wonder if things will ever get better.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Yvette7, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter...and very very recently as well. I hope you understand that we are all living that same nightmare with you. I very much understand the gut-wrenching feeling of a sudden loss of someone so young and vibrant. I was laughing with my son before school only to have him dead before I got off work. Tomorrow is the 8 yr anniversary of my son's death.

Everything you're feeling and going through is completely normal. We've all gone through that, each of us in varying degrees. Give yourself time. Talking to someone helps. If you're not ready to talk to someone, maybe reading about others' experiences will help. It certainly did for me.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day soon you'll find you have a bit more strength and some of the fog and disbelief will settle. You'll be coping better and the tears won't hurt the same as they used to. You'll still love her and you'll still miss her, but you will begin to accept what's happened and realize that you have a life to carry on with. You'll find ways to honor her memory and cherish those memories.

Take care of yourself.


Brooke 4 years ago

that is so sad, im sorry to hear..

my girlfriend, just lost her son he would have been 2 in dec he was the younger twin, he passed away from a chest of drawers landing on him, he was such a beautiful boy, i just can get over it, its only been one month and im just a good friend, but i just keep crying and eveththing gets me down, dose it get easier?

thank you


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brooke, sorry to hear that your friend lost her son and under such tragic circumstances. It's so hard for us to comprehend why a precious child has to die. Why couldn't he have just got a boo-boo like any other day? It is so hard to understand. To answer your question, yes, it does eventually get easier. I don't think we EVER understand it, but we eventually accept it and we eventually find a way to cope with it. Hope you and your friend find the peace you need.


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Brooke3 4 years ago from Queensland, Australia

thank you so much, yeah very tragic circumstances, but we just dont understand how that happened? but yes hopefully that day comes soon, but we all will get there, thank you for listening


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Brooke3, anytime.


lost 4 years ago

my boyfriend just lost his 10year old son a day and half ago and he has 2 other sons. I love him so much and i am worried about him. He told me today that i should forget about him and he said that he feels that his life is over. I tried telling him that his 2 beautiful sons need him and that the worst thing he could do to them is to leave them fatherless. I don't know what to do to help him i wish i could take his pain away. I understand his pain, I've lost a bestfriend and sister before but i'm afraid that he may harm himself. I cry all the time when he's not around and i try to be supportive and strong when he's around.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Lost, I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend has lost his son. I know you feel helpless. All you can do is try to comfort him in whatever way seems to help him at the time. Sometimes it might be that he just needs someone to hold, sometimes he might need someone to just listen. You know him best, just play it by ear and don't be surprised if his mood changes from minute to minute. It's very common. Since it JUST happened, he will certainly feel that life is over. But, it doesn't mean he really means it. Just keep an eye on him. Make sure someone is watching over him for awhile. Certainly if you see any other signs or his behavior changes drastically, get help. You might try seeing if he will read what other parents have said either here on this page or on the message boards on beyondindigo.com. It might help. Take care of yourself as well. This is tough on you too.


stella sanchez 4 years ago

i dont know how to deal with my 4th miscarrage im bout to lose it soooooooo badly no one seems to get it. i was only a month when i lost my first 3 plus didnt know i was preagnet. this last on was i lost i was going on 3 months it was the most hardest. yeah my feince was there through it all but not the way i needed him. so thats why i say i was along the whole time. yes i do blame myself cause i was sexual abused by my own father. my spouse doesnt understand


danielisgone 4 years ago

I lost my son last week in a horrible car accident,, It helps me to know we had him for almost 19 years,, typically the best years of ones life. The pain is horrific,, we have been very fortunate to have so much support from our little small town community and our close friends and family. I find comfort in the thought that I know my son does not suffer and will not be tormented by the struggles of life anymore.


MariaEkelund 4 years ago

I lost my baby almost 2 months ago, and we had her creammated i was 5 months pregnant, I am absolutly scared of trying again, but there is a chance I may be pregnant, I am afraid of what others will say, we don't know what caused the miscarriage she was healthy and bouncing around all the time during ultra sounds, she even waved in one of them, . . . she was born September 13th at 12:05am, . . I am still depressed and grieving I even just bought a little pink Christmas stocking for her....is it okay that i might be pregnant this soon, I have been taking birth control. lost confused scared and depressed.


Sandi Starwalt 4 years ago

My son went to heaven March 20 2010 he was 40 years young.

His birthday is 11-9-69 he would have been 42 tomorrow.I have good days and bad days. I guess today is one of them.

Everyone thinks I should be past the sadness and be living normally. That will never happen, my life has been changed forever. I was lucky to have this sweet kind child for 40 years and I know it. It just doesn't make it any easier, I can't hardly go to the store or anywhere in public. I pray this will pass. Thanks for listening.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Stella Sanchez, I’m so sorry you’ve had 4 miscarriages. That must be incredibly tough. As you said, with the last you were further along and of course that is going to be the toughest on you. However, please don’t blame yourself. Have you tried getting some counseling? You may need some help in dealing with the past abuse and also with the multiple miscarriages. Be easy on your spouse. He’s going to have a tough time understanding it as most men would, but also as anyone would that really hasn’t gone through it themselves. Take care of yourself.

Danielsgone, I’m so sorry you lost your son. I too would remind myself that at least I had my son as long as I did as others have lost much younger children than I. You are right, the pain is unlike anything else. I’m very glad you have the love and support of your community, friends and family. That helps so much. Take care.

MariaEkelund, I’m so sorry you lost your baby girl. Don’t worry what others say. I’m assuming you will be seeing a doctor as soon as possible to determine if you are indeed pregnant again and if things are going ok. Don’t put that off. It’s for your own health as well as the baby (if you are pregnant). Two months if not very long at all to have healed emotionally and physically. Please seek some professional help to make sure you’re ok. Take care of yourself.

Sandi Starwalt, I’m so sorry you lost your son. My own son’s 21st birthday would have been this Friday, so this is a tough week for me as well. My daughter’s birthday is today. Sandi, you are living normally…..normally for someone who has suffered an incredible loss. Yes, you were very lucky to have your precious son for 40 years. Some of us didn’t get that long. I know it doesn’t make it easier at all. With it only being 2 years since his death, you’re probably still going through some of the grieving stages. It will get better. Take care of yourself.


Danielle hayes 4 years ago

As I read these stories im crying because I lost my 4 year old baby gurl sept 11 2011..What a trafedy I lost her,n a house fire..She was killed alsp her 1 yr old couson..o be wanna give up every day but I cant cause I also have 5 yr old son who need me...


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Danielle, I'm so sorry your lost your 4 yr old daughter. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to lose a child in a housefire.

For me, having another child who needed me was a big help in finding the strength to face the day. It made me realize that even though we can't imagine how it can, life does go on for those of us left behind. We learn to pick our broken and shattered lives and somehow make it through each day until one day things are a tiny bit easier to cope with. Hopefully, your 5 yr old son will give you that strength as well, because you're right, he needs you as much as you need him right now.

Please take care of yourself. Rely on friends and family to help you all you can.


helen 4 years ago

We just lost our 37 year old son on sept 24 2011 one day after his birthday. It is so hard we take day by day We miss him so much. He died in his sleep


Joseph 4 years ago

God bless and salute. Let us not forget single fathers who dread the loss of their babies. Hard to understand how a mommy can forgoe her child and worry about her own personal life, but I'm in that situation.. but God bless you who have lost... my heart goes to you


Kaisha Caraway 4 years ago

My nine month old son was murdered in April of this yr by his father. I stood right beside his attacked and watched the bullet go in, I watched him take his last breath, he would have been 1 in June to this very day i cannot not explain why this happened to me.


Pat 4 years ago

Gosh, I feel so sorry for everyone with lost loved ones. I wish you all the best in feeling better.


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JenJen0703 4 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A.

Oh, Kaisha, I am so sorry. That is horrible. It's not enough to lose someone you love, but to have to witness it in that way, how are you keeping your sanity? And Helen, very sorry for the loss of your son, too. It does not matter how we lose someone, it hurts just the same. My prayers to you and everyone else on here who has shared there emotions and heart breaking stories. I lost my second daughter when I was 6 months pregnant as a result of the abuse that was happening between my ex-husband and I. I have never been able to get over the guilt that if I had left him sooner, she would be alive. So, I feel your pain, KCC. Voted up and beautiful.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Helen, I’m so sorry you lost your son….and right after his birthday. Taking it one day at a time is the best you can hope for at this point. You are very early in the grief process. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

Joseph, many of the comments above are from grieving fathers too. You guys love and miss your babies too. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Take care.

Kaisha, what a horrific event to witness, but for it to be your own child to witness being murdered by his father. OMG. There are no words to really ease this pain, is there? I’m so so sorry. I do hope you have a good support system of friends and/or family and seek professional counseling to help you deal with this.

Pat, thank you so much for your sympathy and well wishes. Each of us here appreciate it.

JenJen, thank you for consoling others and for your nice comment. I’m so sorry you lost your second daughter. I know it’s natural to feel guilty thinking if you had just done something differently she’d still be alive, but I’m a firm believer that no one goes before their time to go.


Christian 4 years ago

I lost my 7 week old son over rumors and now the only woman I have ever loved hates me. I have prayed, but it seems to be a waste of time.


defense 8 4 years ago

I loss my only son, and child last yr. July 6th, 2010 due to suicide. He had what he thought a girlfriend that bullied him in the relationship. She made him feel self worthless and to believe that his long last friends were not is friends. She would only see him if he drove her or picked her up at places or bought her things. He was a starting defence lacrosse player for the local High school, he was always with a smile, and his blue eyes just lite up. People would talk about his deep voice for someone that was only 16.8 months old, plus that fact he could out eat most people too, especially after a game..He will be 18 on the 29th of this month and I still cry almost every morning going to work. I blame myself, as the day he was born i promised to protect him and i could not do this. My heart goes out to all of those of you who have lost a love one. I sometimes believe that he is nexy to me 24/7 and that there is a star in heaven with his name watching over me now.


Virginia 4 years ago

Kaisha, OMG, whoa, how horrific and tramatic for you. Are there words I can comfort you with? I am searching...no, this is beyond comprehension. I can only say to you how so soo sorry I am that you had to go through such a thing. I Hope you have a strong family support system. I really do. OMG MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU it really does.

I lost my daughter and grandson 4 months apart and they are both buried together, far away from where I live, and my daughter passed away 4 years ago Dec 2007. But it's not getting any easier. In fact it's worse. She died suddenly of an asthma attack.

Sara, that just turned 16. please read this

SARA PLEASE READ THIS.... My daughter was sexually abused by her father too, the daghter I just spoke of that past away, she too tried to commit suicide, over and over and over and over again. And the first time she came to deaths door. And through the years she too got pregnant, drugs, drinking, and alot of self abuse, she too was highly intelligent , like yourself. PLEASE, try Sara to pull yourself up, my daughter couldn't, but there is still hope for you, Sara, do it for YOU and YOUR future. The world is waiting for you. I know and believe in YOU. Don't let who did this to you, win. You be the winner. At least think about it. OK?

Know someone outhear that's been there done that knows what you are going through CARES!


carol cotter 4 years ago

Hi. I lost my beautiful boy on november 15,2011. He was my oldest child and only son. He literally just did not wake up one night for his work shift and we called for help. I still cant believe it and the pain is pain i could never have imagined having. I loved him so much. I often feel i am grasping to feel normal but it just isnt there any more. I have two beautiful daughters to be here for that will hopefully keep me going. My son was only 24 years old. I keep trying to make sense of this but cant. Thank you everyone for sharing your grief so i dont always feel so alone


kaykayharp 4 years ago

I lost my infant daughter November 7, 2011. Only 10hrs after her birth.

I had a lot of pregnancy complications. Until Kenadies birth we weren't sure of the reason she had so many birth defects bcuz her chromosomes were normal, we knew of nothing genetic. After delivery, we discovered that our precious girl suffered from ABS-Amniotic Band Syndrome. It occurs when the inner amniotic band tears, causing rubber band like strands to wrap or bound baby. This isn't anything hereditary nor genetic & occurs in 1 in 12,000 live births, most ABS pregnancies end in misscarriage. Kenadie was a survivor & was live birth, living 10 hrs :) I thought I would share that with all of you. Kenadie sure was a little fighter!! I love you babygirl, with all my heart!!...Everyday & even now my heart aches not only for myself but for my 6yr old son who wished and really dearly wanted a sibling. He was so excited to have a playmate. He struggles daily in school because others his age cannot fathom our loss. As my family struggles with her death I know I'm not the first or last to experience this. Talking with others is what gkeeps me sane.


carol 4 years ago

I just read Yvette's message again and wanted her to know that I had the experience of Icu and they explained to us about the loss of oxygen to the brain. My son was 24 years old. Itwas explained to us at the time about a blood clot. It seemed to me like you I was in a nightmare. They are telling us he was so sick that more tests are being done to determine why. I know we need to know but it does not bring him back. I also have panic attacks on a regular basis now. My son and I had an appointment that day for him to test for class placement because he wanted to go back to school. I also feel everyday I wake up maybe this nightmare will end. I miss him so much!


Emma kearns 4 years ago

my best friend connor past away on november 3 2011 how do I get over it connor was only 9 i will miss himm


Emma 4 years ago

My dad past away in the Feburery earth quake in Cristchurch 2011 I am still thinking of him still in December 1 PLESE HELP ME


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sorry for the delay in responding.

Christian, I hope you are able to find peace with your situation. Give it time. Time does find a way to heal many things.

Defense, I’m so sorry you lost your son. Do not blame yourself even though we all have done it, including me. I truly believe that no one departs this life until it is absolutely their time. Otherwise, something, anything, would have prevented it. Do not second guess a minute of your life. You were the mother you should be. I believe your son is with you always. Take care.

Virginia, thank you so much for offering kind words to others here. I’m so sorry that you lost your daughter and grandson and so closely together. I do hope things begin to get better for you.

Carol Cotter, I’m so sorry your lost your son. I picked up on your comment about “grasping to feel normal but it just isn’t there anymore”. That is so true. Your “normal” will be forever changed. You will develop a new “normal”. Your new normal will be the life of a mom with a deceased son that you love and miss and taking care of two daughters. You’ll spend a lot of time trying to make sense of it all, but I promise it will never make sense. You’ll finally get back into a new groove of “ok-ness”.

Aykayharp, I’m so sorry that you had so little time with your baby girl. As you mentioned, most ABS pregnancies end in mis-carriage. I think it’s important that Kenadie survived and gave you 10 hrs of life to be a part of. That’s a gift, a precious gift. I know your son must find it difficult to deal with. Communication is important. Take care.

Emma Kearns, I’m so sorry you lost your dad in an earthquake in Feb and your best friend, Connor in Nov. Since Connor was only 9 and he was your best friend, I’m assuming that you are a child as well. I can only imagine how scary and confusing it must be to be a child and to lose a parent and then a best friend. Death is something we always assume happens to very old people. We don’t think about it happening to someone young or to our parent when when we’re still young and depend on them. But, as you have discovered, sometimes it does. And when it does, it is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. My advice Emma is that when you think about your father or Connor, think about them and smile. Smile because you were lucky to have known them. Smile because Connor was a good friend. Smile because your dad loved you. As time goes on it will become easier to smile instead of cry. Hopefully, you have others to talk to, like your mom, other sisters or brothers, or a teacher or counselor. Take care.


yvette7 4 years ago

I want to say that I am very sorry to everyone who has lost a child. I lost my daughter Vanessa in September and it has been extremely difficult especially now that we are in the middle of the holiday season. I think of all the people that are going thru the same loss and I pray for them everyday. I lost my grandmother back in 1991 but the pain of losing a child is completely different. There is not one day that goes by that I dont cry. I dont even know how I am functioning right now but I know I have to keep moving because I am blessed to have three beautiful boys and a younger daughter that need me. I spend most of my time daydreaming and thinking of all the beautiful memories we had together. I decided to go back to college because that is something my daughter wanted me to do. I lose focus sometimes but I can her telling me "come one mom you can do it". I love you vanessa


carol cotter 4 years ago

to Yvette7. I feel what you mean. We are in the middle of the holidays and I can barely breath every day. My son has been gone almost three weeks and I have melt down after melt down. Yesterday I cried for hours because I will never again receive the little text messages he would send me if he missed my calls. Call you soon. Contact you soon. How do we go on with all these things missing from our lives. His beautiful but so serious smile. His dry sense of humor that had everyone in tears laughing. His politeness. Always said Thank you for everything.I just cant believe this is happening! I to have beautiful siblings of his to care for. His two sisters are great and I know for them I need to be strong,some days I just cant. Please keep supporting me threw writing. I like to hear from people who can relate to what I am going threw. Thanks to everyone.


Linda Burgess 4 years ago

i lost my daughter to cancer 2 years ago on nov.18th she was also my best friend i will never get over this,i still cry for her almost everyday .a short 7 months later God took my husband im still beside myself dont know how to go on without them ive gain 35 pounds sense my husbands death food is the only comfort i find and ive never been like this before i dont like myself at all.i have 3 other children and 6 beautiful grandkids.if anyone out there can help im begging.signed miserable in Arkansas.


Skip's Mom 4 years ago

My amazing son of 21 years has crossed over on 15 October 2011 in a car accident. I can't believe that it's me writing on this hub, being part of this and being in such a situation. It will never make sense to me and I will never accept it. God alone knows how much I miss him ...


patty 4 years ago

i lost my son at 4mos old, he was born on march 13th and died on july 13 i still hurt after all these years, my life has changed, i have three other children, i have never felt healed. i have never felt complete or happy, just living each day without joy, just a chore..


AJB 4 years ago

I lost my son. The loss hurts every day. Sure life continues to go on but surely with a hole in a parents heart. It is a struggle every day as we all can attest to. The little things that bring him back to me, certain songs, jokes, certain times of the year, etc... The hurt does effect everyone in their own way. The coping with this loss is important and can be a struggle. When all said it will always be the memories and we must keep them and cherish them because this is what we all have of the people we have love and continue to love and lost.


kim graves 4 years ago

my husband and i know what you are going through. our son was 14 and would have been 15 on july 14.he passed away on fathers day this past june due to seizure complications. we have a daughter who is 11 and she seems to be managing ok. we just got through thanksgiving and now we're trying to get through christmas. it's still pretty hard. my son was more than a son to my husband, they were best friends too.he was my firstborn and i do miss him a lot and our daughter misses him. pray for us to get through the holidays .please


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

So sorry to take so long to reply to each of your comments. I am going through some challenges at the moment and do not always have access to the computer to be able to reply. I promise I read each and every comment.

Yvette, I think it’s a wonderful thing that you are going back to college. As you said, it’s something Vanessa wanted you to do. I am sure she really is there to encourage you. Keep up the good work. It will become easier with time.

Carol, hang on to those memories. It may even help to write down all of the little things you loved (and now miss) that your son did. I think it’s important to let your children see you cry sometimes, particularly older siblings. Everyone really doesn’t expect us to be strong 24/7. Remember, our remaining children are grieving too. This didn’t just happen to us. It happened to them as well. They need to know it’s ok to cry. They need to know that we hurt too. I don’t think it does anyone any good to walk around trying to keep a brave face when everyone is hurting. Support each other. Allow yourself to feel it even if sometimes it seems like a breakdown.

Linda, I’m so sorry you lost your daughter to cancer and then your husband so closely after that. That has to be incredibly tough. My mom lost her grandson (my son), her best friend and then my father within a 5 yr period. My father and her best friend were only a couple of months apart She literally felt like she had lost everyone close to her. My advice to you is to rely on your remaining children and grandchildren to pull you through this. Concentrate on enjoying your time with them. Find someone you can talk to and lean on when you just want to vent and cry. Take care of yourself.

Skip’s Mom, I’m so sorry you lost your son. None of what to be a part of this “club”. I know you miss him and you’re right….it will never make sense.

Patty, I’m so sorry your baby boy. Even though you’ve carried on, I know it leaves an emptiness that nothing else fills. Even though that doesn’t seem ok, I don’t think we’d have it any other way. I think we all want our children back and nothing replaces that. But, I do think it is important to find a way to be happy again.

AJB, I’m so sorry you lost your son. You are right. It can definitely be a struggle and the grief and pain challenges each of us differently. I do agree that it’s important to cherish the memories.

Kim Graves, I am so sorry you lost your son. The holidays can be tough. For me, my parents had already bought gifts for my son that they had to return. One thing I did that first Christmas was to buy three artists sets (paints, brushes, etc) in a nice gift box and took them to my son’s school. I met with the art teacher and asked her to give them to three art students. She called 3 students to the office and we presented them to them and simply asked that they enjoy creating beautiful artwork with them as my son would have. Perhaps there is something you can think of to do in honor of your son. Just an idea.


Mellow204 4 years ago

Just when you think you've had all you can handle, life hands you another round. Sarah, my daughter died way back in 1985 at the tender age of 4 months (I learned to trust my instincts after versus a doctor’s word). I was 19 and still had a 2 1/2 year old (Travis) with me. I was in no way prepared for such a loss. For the next 26 years some birthdays and anniversary of her death were hard. The what ifs tortured me and sometimes still do to this day. I was very sick in '87 and told my odds of having more kids were slim to astronomical but low and behold Dominica (daughter) was born, the first year she barely left my side. Two years later along came Taylor (son). Still at times Sarah’s memory haunts me. I had during all this time helped others with their losses and acted as a support and guide through their ordeals, knowing what you can only know by having been there yourself. I always swore that if I lost another child I would definitely be in the ‘loony” bin. No one should ever have to bury their child. Well it’s been two weeks now since I lost my second child, Travis. He died in a tragic car accident. I’m numb and somewhat lost. Oddly enough a month earlier I had booked a week’s holiday that was supposed to commence two days after what turned into a horrific day. I’ve taken a leave from work till mid January; I work with teens and find it just too hard to try to be in a good place mentally to deal with their problems or joys at this time. My two remaining children Dominica and Taylor are doing well and returned to college/school. Has anyone else out there lost more than one child? How do you cope with the fear it may happen again?


Michelle 4 years ago

Hello,

I just found this page and 1st of all I want to thank you fror inspiring people and I am so sorry for your loss.

I found this page becuase my son would be 3 years old thursday dec 22nd and I really dont even know what I was looking for but something brought me to this page.

My son was 3 and a half months old when I took him to his 1st day of daycare.I dropped him off at 8 am and called every hour to hear them say that he was fine but the truth is they never checked on him and I got the worst call of my life at 1 pm on april 6 2009 saying that my son was not breathing and as I rushed to the hospital praying to God not to take my son,I arrived before the ambulance got there and when they finally did they tried everything to revive him but then they stopped and I picked him up and he was so cold and I still to this day hurt so bad and I too have tried support groups but it wasnt for me.

I still honer my son by baking him a cake and bying him presents (which some people thinks is crazy)..I talk about him all the time but the pain is so deep and it seems as if no one understands unless they have been ther..

I am sorry for unloading but wow after reading your page I just wanted to let you know that you are a great person and Thank you


Michelle 4 years ago

AWe also just had a misscarriage on Oct 28th of this yr as well


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Mellow, I’m so sorry that you have lost not one, but two children. I’ve known a couple of people who have lost 2, and there are some in the postings above. I have a cousin who lost her husband when he was in his 40s and I felt so badly for his mother (in her 60s) that had lost 3 sons. I have another article about the wrestling Von Erich family and how many sons they had lost. It’s incredible. I have always found that no matter how badly I thought I had it, I could always find someone that had lost their child under worst circumstances, or like you, had lost more than one child. It is gut-wrenching. I wish I had the words to help you. The only advice I can give is to do what you have already done….reach out to others that may have experienced what you have. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.

Michelle, when I read your post several things caught my eye. First, that your name is Michelle. That is my daughter’s name and we spelled it with two L’s like you. Then, secondly that you had your miscarriage on Oct 28th. That is the day my son died. I am so sorry that you lost your son and now you’ve also had a miscarriage. Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to help any way I can.


Familyof5forever 4 years ago

I lost my 19 year old son on November 18, 2011 he was a passenger in a car a drunk driver hit the car he was in and ended his life. My 67 year old mother couldnt handle the loss of losing her grandson and had a heart attack /stroke the next day. I read above how people have lost more than one child, I am so scared I don't know how I am going to go on. I miss them so much.....why do things like this happen? If any one has answers please email me at purple1795020@yahoo.com


Sarah 4 years ago

I lost someone really close to me months ago. I was close to her family as well. I try to contact her parents but i almost never get a response back. I feel that they are upset with me, which makes me feel responsible for what happened. I have been wanting to visit them, but i don't want to just show up either if its not an appropriate time, but they rarely answer me back. What should i do?


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Familyof5forever, I'm so sorry you lost your son. Drunk drivers take so many young lives. Then, your poor mom! As far as WHY things like this happen......I don't think there will ever be an answer anyone will give you that will fully satisfy you. Nothing will ever feel "right" about it. It simply is what it is and we figure out slowly how to accept it. Down the line we are finally able to make peace with it. Just take your time healing.

Sarah, I would find it really hard to believe that the family of your close friend blame you. If I were to guess I'd say it's probably more of a case where they probably have a difficult time of looking at you without thinking of their child. They are probably having a tough time figuring out what to say to you knowing that you are hurting too. As you can tell from the parents who post here, losing a child is such a horrific experience for a parent and it takes a while for them to come back around to behaving and living "normally" again. I think you should try to visit them and let them know that you have been trying to contact them and you were concerned about them and ask if it's a good time. I'm sure they will tell you if it is not. They might have just been so busy with others stopping by that they haven't had a chance yet to get back with you. I really wouldn't take it personally.

Take care all.


Sandra 4 years ago

KCC Big Country,

First, I would like to say how very sorry I am for your loss. Losing your "baby" at any age is never easy or what we expect.

I really appreciated reading your article. You are correct. I have a friend that means well, but does not understand the loss. Each time I get angry, question God, or feel so defeated, she makes me feel so ashamed and selfish!

I lost my precious angel 4 months ago, at only 4 days old. She had a chromosomal abnormality that was unknown to us; I had some bleeding early on (no quad screen due to possible false positives) and I opted not to do amniocentesis due to small risk of spontaneous abortion. Most of the babies that have this abnormality don't make it to birth. I know my little girl was a fighter from the start! I have peace knowing that she is in a great place. I only hope I am good enough to join her someday!

Again, Thank You soooo much! It always helps to know that what we feel during our healing process is normal and to be expected. My heart goes out to all who have suffered such a tremendous loss.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Thank you Sandra. I'm so sorry you lost your little baby girl. Sounds like she touched your life and changed you forever. That's a gift to be cherished.

Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel ashamed or selfish for any emotion you feel. Each person must dance that dance through the emotions at their own pace and every single thing you feel is simply your way of dealing with the horrific pain losing a child brings. How dare anyone dictate what that should feel like, particularly if they have never experienced it. Keep your chin up, Sandra. You're doing well.


Gugulethu Ndlovu 4 years ago

thank u 4 this page. I lost my daughter at 6 mounts old in august, i cant accept it i cry every night cz i can believe that shes not next to me, dat shes gone and gone 4 gud.


cupsuptic 4 years ago

Dear KCC I'm So Sorry for your loss Nobody should ever have go though this. I lost my 13 year old Grandson 3 months ago. I'll never forget that night when my Daughter who lives in Texas and I in Maine was crying like she never cryed before. It seems Ian got in side a bean-bag and the zipper must have got stuck. My Daughter came home from shoping to find him thet had to cut him out because of the zipper but it was all to late.

As i said It's been 3 months and she's told me ( Daddy I miss him So much) I don't know what to say, you see I lost my Grandson but I also lost a special part of my little Girl who'll never be the same.. I want to warn everyone out there that children will get into beanbags playing hind and seek.. All you have to do is take the the zipper off so they can open it. Ian was very smart he was playing both the french horn and the violin, this was the worst day of my life and everyone that knew him. It almost looks like My Daughter is being strong for us and we are for her. I cry most everyday Thank you Dear.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Gugulethu Ndlovu: Sorry for the delay in responding. I'm so sorry you lost your baby daughter. I totally understand how unbelievable it feels. I remember replaying every moment of my son's last day over and over in my head just trying to let what happened sink in. It just doesn't seem possible. Then, once you begin to realize they are never coming back, it's so hard to get your head around that. Forever is an awful long time to live without them. Hang in there.

Cupsuptic: I'm so sorry you lost your grandson. I can honestly say my dad really took it hard when my own son died. Like you said, you not only lost a grandson, you have a front row seat to watching your daughter suffer from the loss as well. As far as having the words to say to her....she knows that those words are hard to find. I know I did. In fact, I preferred it when people just said "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you". Really, nothing beyond that really helps. For me, connecting with others that had gone through it was extremely helpful because I felt that they were the only ones qualified to understand how I felt. To me, unless you've gone through it, you have no idea. One can imagine the horror all they want, but until it's real and in your face, I don't think you even get close to how it really feels. Hang in there. We'll all get through this together.


anonymous 4 years ago

I lost my mother when I was only 28. She was a mere 47. My mother and I were so close, I used to imagine dying before her because I never wanted to see her go. When she died, a piece of me died with her. I never imagined anything could ever compare to that loss until 20 years later, I lost my only son at the age of 25. Sometimes life seems so unfair. I don't understand why one person can be put through so much grief. Due to family circumstances I am now raising 2 grandchildren. I think they are the only things keeping my going, but god forbid anything ever happen to one of them, my life could not go on. Everyone is always telling me my reward is coming for all I do and all I have been through, but sometimes I find it difficult to dredge through another day. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think about my son and what we might be doing now if he was still here. The year before my son died, I attended 3 funerals where the deaths were related to suicide. I told all those parents you would have to put me in chattahoochee if that happened to me. I felt thier pain, and months later I received that horrible call. My son was not a suicide, but a sudden death from myocarditis. I never dreamed I would ever face anything like this and can not still accept it at times, it all still feels so like a horrible nightmare that I have yet to awake from.


Diana Gee 4 years ago

To everyone, I want to compassionately say:

I am sorry for the loss of your child.

I am sorry for your sadness.

I am listening to you. I see your tears. I feel your loss. I know your hurt.

I am sorry you lost your child.

I lost my baby within one day. I have no days to remember. Only moments. It was the most lonliest, devastating, heartbreaking, time stopping day of my life.

But it was also the most caring, nurturing, heart melting day of my life. I was able to do what any momma could do to give comfort, care, cuddling, and a heart full of love to a child. The hardest was to put her little body down in her bassinet and walk away without her as I left the hospital. I carried only a little box containing the outfit she wore.

I was left alone after that. My husband told me that if I wanted to talk to see a cousellor. My co-workers did not make eye contact. My friends ignored me. All people I knew with children, especially women, would say "oh, that's so sad", and I would not hear from them again. All of my siblings did not acknowledge their niece....they did not acknowledge her life, her funeral, their grieving sister (me) and my husband.

It is very lonely. So very lonely. Only me, Rebecca's momma, can do whatever to remember her. My heart has a huge hole which will never be filled. Rebecca is my only comfort. She would want her momma happy.

I hear her saying" Momma, give my daddy big hugs."

and "Daddy, give Momma lots of kisses and help her to smile".

To everyone: I am so sorry you lost your child.


komal 4 years ago

I lost my little daughter who was just 9 year, full of life and ambitions two years back.After her not even a single day or minute pass when i don't think of her.She passed away without giving us chance to do anything for her as she was just having a viral fever which later all of sudden effected her brain.I still cry and remember her poem which she had written to me promising me to complete my dreams which i had seen for her.I still hope and wish that may be some day she would meet me and fulfill her promise.The pain of lossing a part of yours can never ever go away.We still carry the life but the zeal for life is not there.we are living just to fulfil our responsibility towards our son and our adopted daughter to whom we adopted after her.


Mary Bain 4 years ago

I had a abortion due to medical reasons I was 40 years of age

still today it is something you will never ever forget and always each day of your lifexxx


May 4 years ago

I lost my oldest son and dearest friend 6 months ago, his birthday was a few days ago. I had thought I was dealing with it, but I lost total control and just wanted to die. Part of the problem is we do not know why, we haven't received autopsy results. the other is I do not get to see my granddaughter who is 7 that was left behind becos it might not be "good" for her. His widow is not dealing with the death either and her family tells her she is weak and to think of her daughter. I shudder to think what is coming when grief comes wiggling out. I will be there. but beyond that I cannot promise unless they are allowed to be part of my life. Thank God for my other son and my husband. They try their best.


Jen 4 years ago

We lost our 19 month daughter to cot death in 1995. She was so beautiful,one of three sisters. We had to carry on with life for the sake of our other two girls and a four years later we were parents again and had a little girl,and the next year a lovely son. They made our family complete, and we had wonderful times together. I had always thought that we had had a terrible loss, and we would never again have to go through anything so tragic. Until the first day of this new year when we awoke to a knock on the door by a policeman telling us that our 21 year old beautiful, clever, unique, kind daughter was killed instantly as a passenger in a car crash. We are absolutely devestated....and heartbroken.


penny 4 years ago

wow i lost my son in a car accident, drugged and drunk driver , 20 yrs old 5 yrs on and still trying to cope with not having my son here, some days are worse than others.


Iby Jean 4 years ago

these things happened to me last Feb 2010 and June 2010.. on February that year we lost our dear mom..and just 4 months after I have lost my 10-month old baby boy..i feel so depressed since i cannot imagine i will lost him.. everything so sudden..we brought him to the hospital by 9am and that night by 7pm he died...i even made deals with GOD but seeing him ordeal, i just prayed to God to stop his pain and if that baby boy is not really meant for us...then HE can have him...i really was so upset with his loss but I have an older son to attend...that made me stronger...and after 2 months of praying i get pregnant..and now so happy with my 8 months old baby girl who really looks like him.


cupsuptic 4 years ago

HI KCC thank-you so very much for writing and helping me.

You told me how hard you dad took your loss. I miss my 13 year old Grandson so bad. We are going to spend some time with my Daughter who lost him. I havn't seen her or his bedroom since he Died. The Dr just put me on a Antidepressants. I find it very hard to think I'll never see my Ian again. My Daughter had send Ian and his Sister to spend every summer with us since they could walk. I think about him not having his first job. He was to work for a grounds keeper this summer when he came to Maine. He'll miss out on his first car, first Kiss, First Love. Oh so many first's to list. i didn't say how he passed but i think every mother and Father should read this. My 13 yearold Grandson died while playing hide and seek. He thought a good place to hide was in a bean -bag. He couldn't get the zipper to open, and my Daughter found him 15 min later. they tryed cpr but he was gone. If your going to have a bean-bag take the zipper holder off.. That another thing that call came in around 10 pm that Ian had Died i keep playing this over and over in my mind. I was in Vietnam from 1969-70 with the 25th ID out of Cu-Chi. I thought i had seen it all. But this I was told if I keep going the path i'm on could Kill me..


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Anonymous, you have certainly seen your share of grief, but you certainly sound like a strong one. All those funerals just prior to your son's death maybe helped you a little, but as you've said, and I agree, nothing really prepares you for when you lose your own child. Hang in there.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Diana Gee, thank you for your compassion towards others who have suffered the loss of child. We're all part of a group we'd all give anything not to be a part of. I'm so sorry that you lost Rebecca and certainly before you had much time with her. You're right, I do believe our children would have wanted (insisted!) that we be happy and return to a "normal" life again even though they are no longer a physical part of it. We were all touched by their lives, albeit some longer than others, but it was all very precious to each of us.

I know it must have been hard to leave her in the bassinet and walk away. It was hard for me to leave Kevin at the hospital. They gave him his tennis shoes in a bag. That's what I left the hospital with. *sigh* Hang in there.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Komal, I'm so sorry you lost your young daughter. You mention that you still cry. I think we all do. It's been 8 yrs for me and I still cry. Not every day, but I still long to have him back and wonder how things would be had it not happened. Hang in there.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Mary Bain, I'm sure an abortion, particularly in your circumstances, could be very much like the feelings experienced in other types of death of a child. There's bound to be a certain amount of grief and sorrow that remains with you.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

May, I'm so sorry about the loss of your oldest son and the circumstances you're now left with without knowing the cause and not being able to see your granddaughter. It's a grief that has multiple layers of complexity. With him only dying 6 months ago you're having to experience all those firsts, those anniversaries. That's tough. You just have to tackle each obstacle as it comes up. I hope the autopsy gives you so closure and you can began to re-establish the relationship with your granddaughter. Hang in there.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Jen, I am so sorry that you've not only lost one child, but two. That is a grief that is multiplied. I'm sure it's very tough on the remaining children as well. I know how much my son's death affected my daughter. Hang in there.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Penny, I'm so sorry you lost your son to the hands of a drug/drunk driver. Five years isn't very long to have gotten through the grief process. Hang in there. We all have those days that aren't as easy to get through.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Iby Jean, I'm so sorry you lost your mom and baby boy, and so close together. For me, I can certainly say that having another child to tend to helped me pull myself together. Congrats on your new baby. It must really tug at your heart for her to look a lot like your son. I have a hope that my daughter will one day give me a grandson that looks like my son. *sigh* Hang in there.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Good to see you again, Cupsuptic. Yes, my dad really took my son's death hard. I don't think he ever fully accepted it before he himself died 5 years later. I too thought about all the first my son would miss out on, or me miss seeing him do.

Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing the right things.


cupsuptic 4 years ago

Well I'm thankful for the time God gave me. Ian got to drive my 1964 pickup, Flyfishing with me and that takes a few years to learn. He loved hiking and camping out. But most of all at the top of his list was playig the violin and French horn. He did make his mark in a short 13 years.. Bless You KCC


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Cupsuptic, since we lived on 27 acres, my son got a chance to drive our vehicles a bit on our land. We had a remodeled 68 GT Fastback Mustand he was going to get when he turned 16. I know what you mean about flyfishing. My ex-husband was a fly-fisherman. Bless you too Cupsuptic.


sisters-babyboy 4 years ago

Hi There... I dont know how I got to this site or even where to start with my story.I need help! My sister and her husband, 4year old son and also her baby boy of 9months was in a car accident on the 31st of Dec 2011... they were on their way to a nice hot summer in South Africa for the first time in seven years. My sister was driving, not knowing what the cause of the accident was... they started roling with a SUV and trailer...she was behind the wheel! She lost control over the vehichle. When all te roling stopped... she looked to the back as the car was on his roof..seeing her baby boy hanging from the roof, still tight in his baby chair. The first person that stopped with them on the side of the road was a lady.... my sister asked of her to please have a look at her baby boy named Luka..."I think we have lost him" ...weak by her knees she sqweezed herself out the window behind the stearing wheel. She could not walk... she fell out and laid on her back on the side of the road... not able to move. her husband was still squashed in the car, her son of 3,Evan. flew out the window in the accident.. The lady toldd my sister, that the did loose their baby boy. She took him out his baby chair and rested him on my sister's chest.. ther he laid for 45mins...

please tell me what to tell her!!! What is the answers... what is the questions????

My sister Clivé, is a loud laughing fun person... in this month... Ive seen her, and she has just got this numb expression on her face!! Please dear God help me...I love them all so dearly!!! Please!!!!!


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Sisters babyboy-I'm so sorry you lost your nephew in your sister's horrific accident. I wish I could give you a ton of answers, but there are no easy answers and no matter how long she, you, or any of us mull it over in our minds, we will NEVER find a suitable answer to justify what has happened to us. We simply have to begin to accept it in whatever small increments we can tolerate. That process simply takes time....and it's different for everyone.

My only suggestion is to be someone your sister can talk to if she feels like talking. Let her know you're available and let her come to you. Share this article with her. Seeing what others have gone through helped me a lot.

Hang in there. Give it all time.


TanaCae Danick 4 years ago

My very best friend lost both of his brothers, his twin when we were just 14 years old and his older brother this past August. His mother (who is like a mother to me) was so strong, so poised, she had so much peace. On the day of his older brothers funeral my other best friends step daughter was being transported by flight for life to the nearest children's hospital, she was the apparent victim of child abuse, of which we still do not know who exactly was tI he assailant.. I also attended that service, deeply disturbed by the composure kept by her mother. Here was this 2yr old baby dead, swollen and bruised and her mother barely crying.

At that very moment I developed a fear, an obsessive phobia of Lord Forbid losing my own 3 1/2 year old son. I don't think I could handle it. I think i would kill myself. I worry about it constantly. I'm afraid if I ever allow myself to get comfortable with the thought it will happen. I'm terrified, to the point where I've changed my entire life to it being based on safety. At the expense of every other aspect. I may not be in the right place but this is the first time I've been able to bring myself to speak or write about it. Thank you for your time.

Love and Light to all of you who have survived this unspeakable tragedy.


Marcia 4 years ago

I lost my youngest son Matthew to a fatal Asthma attack in December 2009 and still miss him so much that it hurts in my stomch and chest. It was sudden and he was alone and I wish that I had prayed harder for God to save him when we were called. Mostly I miss doing things for him and hearing him tell me good Morning when he came into the kichen everyday.He is in my thoughts 24/7. Matthew would have been 29 years old this year and I wonder if i will ever stop aging him as the years go by.I wish I could talk about him all the time but friends and family try to change the topic whenever I start to talk about him and i resent that alot.


felicia 4 years ago

I lost my 8 year old in a car accident 1 year and a half ago, I have two other children. As with all the other parents on this site, there is a great pain, emptiness, and lingering greif, that never seems to go away. Whenever my husband and I greived in the begining, I learned not to cry so much in the presence of your other children, because they are trying to cope with their pain and suffering from the loss of a sibling, so when they see their parents, they can sometimes try to carry your burden also, which is a lot to ingest. But i would often talk to my children and let them know it's ok to be sad, and not to hold their feelings in, and cry anytime they felt like it, then i would let them know I felt the same way they did and cried whenever I needed to. I have found much hope in reading my bible. It's truely hard to find hope with out hope and faith in God.

I often wondered why this horrible thing had to happen to my family and I. I raise my children to love and believe God. My daughter loved God and often said she was ready to go to her heavenly home, but no one never knew that we would lose her the way we did and the time we did. Death is never a timely event. But I want to encourage others as I have been encouraged. There are many many scriptures of encouragement one of my favorite is 1 thessalonians 4:14-18 speaking of the rapture. verse 14 says For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. This is a promise all of those who died in Jesus Christ will be with God during the rapture, and those of us that have accepted Christ as our personal savior will see our loved ones again. No matter what the situation is this is a opportunity if we don't know God to give our lives to him. In my experience, I had a lot on denial, and anger. Now I have reached the point where i realize my daughter's not coming back, but I have the hope that I will see her again, so each day that passes by I know that I'm a day closer to her. Most of all I'm looking forward to seeing my saviors face, in a place of no more pain tears, sadness, sickness, or pain. Do believe I have been angry with God, but God does understand our pain, so I released my pain to him and often ask him to take me through each day. Our knowledge and understanding can never be as great as God, the maker of our selves and this great universe. Knowing this I had to peacefully let go of my daughter and live in the expectency I would see her again. God really does care for you and loves you no matter what. read Romans 8:38, read 2 Peter 3:8-13, 2 Cor 5:17, Jeremiah 29:11. I was greiving so greatly when I came across a verse to be absent from the body is to be with Christ, so I asked God if he would allow me to see my daugter, in his presence, and he did, oh what peace, and joy I felt, the same as my daughter was living, it was a place of bright whitenss, with no floors or walls, when she came running to me through the whiteness, and hugged me around my neck saying hi mommy, and then I said hi baby. I only asked God for 1 moment, that seemed to last longer. This gave me peace, but everyday my heart aches, but my soul rejoyces, because she is yet alive in spirit. I hope I have said something to encourage someone somewhere. God Bless Everyone with a post on this site and owner of this site, God Bless you, and for those of us that know others who have lost a love one continue to pray for them, as I will also. Pray for my family also, and let brotherly love continue.


Bruce 4 years ago

Thank you KCC for the above "Facing the Indescribable”. This was the first thing I read online when my little boy passed away – I downloaded the message and gave a copy to my wife it indeed help us in time of need – I only posted here now six month later because I suddenly felt the need to say thank you for the advise you wrote.... I am still angry at God and am having a very hard time trying to not be....below is what I wrote the day I lay our boy to rest...

It is hard for me to put into words the grief I am feeling. It is any parent's worst nightmare to bury their child, and today, Anet and I am faced with that horrific nightmare.

I remember the day Jarod was born as if it were yesterday. As he was wheeled in the incubator to the icu ward I still remember him looking at me saying protect me Daddy - I fell in love with him immediately. Our Stinky was a premature baby, Our Popie had to stay in the hospital for a week, and I remember those 7 days being the longest of my life begging the doctor to release him.

When he got home, and I could finally hold him, I felt so complete. He was the most precious thing I had ever laid eyes on.

I never wanted Jarod to get hurt. I think because he was a Special boy, his mommy and I had to teach him to crawl and eventually walk, I was overly protective of him. Nevertheless, he always seemed to be engaging in very adventurous activities. He loved his bike and cars. Jarod was happiest outdoors getting him-self dirty there was never a day that he did not have a scrape on his knees

Jarod taught his mommy and me so much about life and ourselves. We learned to appreciate the beauty of the world from him through his eyes. We were meant to raise him but in retrospect I think our little boy he thought us about life. Jarod used to give hugs to just about everyone he knew and had unconditional love no matter what

He had the most beautiful outlook on life, which fascinated me.

He loved his routine - most night he will play for hours in the bath eventually get out all wrinkly – then Poppie would play games with us on our bed for hours – eventually he will wave good night and give you the wettest kiss and go to bed – not long after he will get out of bed and sit at mommy’s and daddy’s bedroom door and wait for us to put him to bed again ( I think it was because he so loved his time on our bed playing)

Our dear Jarod In only 5 years and 9 months you managed to leave a legacy that I ....and most of us will never achieve in our lifetime. I look up to you my little boy because you were an angel on this earth. Now that you in heaven it’s your turn to look after your big brother and sister - Mommy and Daddy.

Mommy and Daddy will love you forever little Jarod.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

TanaCae Danick, I understand what you're saying regarding you friend's poise and composure. I have witnessed that myself and just a few years after that found myself in that same position. It has to do with how some of us handle crisis situations. I am someone who remains calm and collected. I had some people comment about my composure. It's just that we hold ourselves together well in stressful situations. It's not necessarily to say that we've got it all together inside. There were times that I was crumbling inside, but no one knew it.

Regarding your obsession with safety. I understand this as well. After losing Kevin I certainly became more protective of everything my daughter did. However, I had gone to a grief support meeting and met other parents who had lost children. One day, months later I ran into one of these mothers who remembered me and the story of how I lost my son (go-cart accident just a week before he would have turned 13). She had lost her 16 yr old son to a car accident. She came up to me and told me "I wish I would have bought my son the go-cart he always wanted". I thought it was an odd thing to say to someone who had lost their son to a go-cart accident. She went on to explain. "I wouldn't buy him one because I thought they were too dangerous and I thought I could protect from everything. I learned that I couldn't protect him. He ended up dying anyway. I should have let him have the go-cart and let him enjoy life".

Something to think about.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Marcia, I'm so sorry you lost your son Matthew. I'm a firm believer that no one goes before their time and nothing we could have done differently would have made any difference anyway. Regarding aging him each year, I don't think we ever stop doing that. I still do it 8 years later. My son would have been 21 years old now. Regarding friends and family changing the subject, I know how you feel. I know the subject makes others uncomfortable, but if that's the worst emotion they get from dealing with our child's death, then that's too bad in my opinion. I'm not going to refrain from including my child into conversation sometimes. I've been to class reunions where classmates ask how many children I have. I tell them two. If they ask how old they are or more about them, I tell them about Kevin and how old he would have been. It makes people uncomfortable, but I'm not going to exclude him so that they can remain comfortable.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Felicia, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. It certainly sounds like you've made peace with her loss though you continue to ache like we all do. Thank you for your blessings for everyone here going through the same pain and grief. May others find encouragement from you words. Take care.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Bruce, I'm so sorry you lost your son, Jarod. It is pretty amazing when we reflect back on what our deceased children have given us in the short time we had them, isn't it? The lessons we all learned and I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say I'm sure that none of us would have wanted to miss out on the time we had. Losing them was still worth having them.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm honored to be a part of your healing process. It's how I choose to honor my son's memory....by attempting to help others who are going through the same pain.

Take care of yourself.


cupsuptic 4 years ago

Dear KCC,

I've been reading each email from your HubPages. There are alot of people like my self who are hurting ou there. I want to Thank You so very much for taking the time to write to me, I really feel that you've helped me. I feel just as your Dad did,just broken hearted. I do spend more time in Church and this really helps.

But once in a while like now I can feel it coming on I just start crying.. I'll pray this Sunday For you and for all those who are hurting Thanks again and Bless you.

Brad


yvette7 4 years ago

As I reflect on the past the pain of tomorrow becomes so real to me. My daughter Vanessa would have been turning 20 on February 12. What do you do and how do you go on when you lose someone you love so much. I mentioned to my family that I wanted to do something special for her, maybe buy a cake and celebrate her birthday. The response I got was "shes already gone, you have to let her go." I was surprised to get such a comment, perhaps its because they to feel pain. As a mother I feel I have to do something in remembrance of her. Her death came suddenly from a ruptured appendix. I know she would want us to still be happy and celebrate life without her. I plan to take her three brothers and younger sister to our favorite park where we spent many fun days together. I would like to hear some suggestions...Thanks and may God give us strength and peace.


sadmom 4 years ago

yvette7

I'm so so sorry for the lost of your daughter, I can relate to losing a daughter, I have lost a daughter also, I've just went through, what would have been her 9th birhtday, I just sorrounded myself around family, and pray and ask God for strength to take me through the day, and though it was easy at all, I somehow made it through. My daughter loved to eat at Carraba's, my family also. It took several months almost a year to go back there, but I went for my family's sake, it was hard but we managed to smile over some good memories of her. my heart ached but we continue to go at least once a month, it gets just a little easier each time. Over the Christmas Holiday, I didnt know how my family and I were going to make it. My husband and I decided to surround our selves with family, so we invited family and friends over, and cooked for them first a christmas breakfast, this is the way we chose to honor our daughter, by serving others. Staying busy is what helped us during birthdays and holidays. I'm thinking of releasing balloons in her honor the next birthday, and possibly organizing a scholarship fund, because education was very important to her. God Bless You Yvette, and all the other parents,friends,sisters, brothers, children, cousins, grandparents, and aunts and uncles who have lost a friend or love one.


Marcia 4 years ago

Dear KCC,

Your response has brought me some comfort just knowing that there are other people who truly understand my heartache. Today at work I found myself crying uncontrollably at my desk, by myself. Its just that Matthew enjoyed this time of year so much and this fine weather reminds me of that. Time does not heal all wounds and there are times I just miss doing stuff for him. I have also developed a fear of loving my other two children 'too much' for fear of losing them too. sometimes i think God took him away from me because I loved him too much and spoke about him alot. I worked three jobs to send him to University because he was so sure of what he wanted to achieve in life. Even now I am glad he he got to go abroad to study, but sometimes wish I had done even more to help him. My most precious keepsake from him is a letter in which he thanked me for making his dreams come through.His older sister often said he was spoilt but she also loved him dearly and would forgive him anytime. My daughter and I have gone for counselling but stopped after we realised we weren't feling any better. What do I do when I feel really low and can't come out of this sadness?


reschel ramos 4 years ago

thanks for this site I am always finding some ways just to overcome this depression I have 2 children and my eldest she is 4 years old past away one month ago due to dengue shock syndrome (bite of a dangerous mosquito) I am the one who work for my family and my husband whose the one take care of our children. I blame my husband for the death of my daughter I don't know if is right but he is the one who took care of here. I cried everyday I really miss my daughter her smile, her laugh everything about her, and I’m always ask god why it was happening to me why my child? Sometimes I get angry I don’t know what to do I want my daughter back to me even though I know that I will not happen anymore. Hope you can advice me how to overcome this kind of horrific experience...


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

So sorry for the delay in replying to each of you! It’s been a busy time for me.

Cupsuptic, thank you for your kind words. I hope you are continuing to improve.

Yvette7, there is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the life of someone you loved. However, it will be rare that someone who hasn’t lost a child will understand that. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t begin to comprehend what it feels like. They all seem to think we should just “move on and let it go”. I find that comment disrespectful, but yet I can’t be angry with them for not comprehending what we go through. You do what feels right to you. In the 8 years my son has been gone we have had cake on his birthday some of those years and we always have balloons.

Marcia, it sounds like you are doing all the “right” things. It just takes time. Time may not erase the wound, but it does take some of the sting out of it. Just keep focusing on things that make you feel better when you do them. Those are the things that are helping you. If you do something and it makes you sad or upset, then it’s not helping you move forward, it’s keeping you bogged down in your grief. A little at a time you’ll get better at it.

Reschel Ramos, I’m so sorry you lost your child. It’s natural to want to blame something or someone for the death, but what if the roles were reversed? What if your husband had been at work and you were home watching the children. Would you want him to blame you? How could he possibly of prevented it? I firmly believe that no one dies before “their time”. I urge you to read through the list in my article again. You are going to feel a lot of different emotions. All of it is natural and normal. Allow yourself to feel it, acknowledge it and slowly work through it by taking one minute at a time. Do what feels good to you. Hang in there. All of us posting here have been through it too.

Bless you all!


Marcia 4 years ago

Dear KCC

Do you that sometimes people know that they are going to die? Somtimes I think my son Matthew knew his life would not be long. Going through his things like cards and papers etc, I found a christmas card to his "Boss" at one time, thanking her for all she had done for him, reading it in hindsight now it seems to tell her how grateful he was for all her help and that he wished her and her family well in the future: strange thing is he never gave it to her and it was dated the year before he died. Now I've also found a note to one of his University professors thanking him in much the same way, for the doors they opened for him and for having faith in him. KCC finding these now is so strange as I so often blamed this lady for overworking my son and bothering him to work even when he was feeling unwell and sick in bed. It seems so sad sometimes, he even got a job for his cousin without telling her and she found out a few days after he died. He even told me not to bother him cause he would have been too busy over the next few days and that he had a lot of work to do.I so wished I had called him I feel maybe I could have kept him alive. But up to this day I just do not know why I felt he needed time to do some stuff and didn't call. He just seemed to have done all he needed to do. I'm crying now as I do everytime I start to write about how it feels to not have him here. I miss Matthew all the time, no matter how busy I may seem he's always in my thoughts. Help me please.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Marcia, I've heard a lot of folks say they believe their loved one knew they were going to die. I know my mom believes that about my dad. What I would ask you is....does believing that help you or does it hurt you? If it helps you in dealing with his death then entertaining that idea can be helpful. If thinking about that hurts you and upsets you, then I would consider shifting your thoughts. Make sense? Let "how you feel" be your guide.

You're going to cry alot. That is completely natural. I cried much of the day for a long time.

Hang in there, you're doing well.


Sandra 4 years ago

Dear Kcc,

I wrote to you a couple of months ago in regards to the loss of my beautiful baby girl. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! Thank God I have 2 older children that help keep me going. Despite the fact that I am 40 and realize the potential for havinng another child with a chromosomal abnormality, we are expecting again. Many emotions, as this child is due the same day my angel was due.... God works in mysterious ways!!!


Yvette 4 years ago

I also want to say thank you for opening your heart to us the way you have. I have to admit that some days it is extremely difficult and every time I come back to read this post it gives me hope once again. I pray that God would pour out his blessings upon you and your family. I feel that by sharing my daughters memorial I might be able to help someone else also.

http://www.valleyoflife.com/vanessakristincastro/


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Good to see you again Sandra! For me, having another child to take care of helped me too. Congrats on expecting another baby! I know you are dealing with all sorts of emotions with that. You're right, how interesting that the due date is the same. :) May you and this baby remain healthy throughout your pregnancy and may he/she help you in the healing process. Take care.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Yvette, you're very welcome. I'm very pleased that this article (and all the comments!) has become a place that you can visit that gives you hope. Thank you for sharing Vanessa's memorial page. It's a beautiful tribute to a beautiful young lady. Take care.


reschel ramos 4 years ago

dear KCC

Thanks for the reply yes i read all your articles i know i'm not the only one who feel this way. you're right blaming someone is natural feeling but i cannot control my self to hate him. I really miss my daughter although i have another child but still it not enough and my life is not complete without her. Have mercy on me Lord, hope i can cop this feelings just like the other member of this site...


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Reschel, I know you miss your daughter and there is a void there that leaves you feeling incomplete. We all totally understand that feeling. I'm pretty sure there is nothing that will ever fill that void. What you will learn (with time)is how to survive while still having this void. That's what we've all had to do. We've had to learn (one minute at a time) how to pick our broken selves back up and carry on even though we're dying inside. It isn't easy and it takes some of us longer than others. Only you can decided how slow or fast to go. I promise that blaming someone won't make anything easier. It's a phase we go through, but I recommend getting through that phase as quickly as you can.


reschel ramos 4 years ago

kcc thank you for encouraging me...more power to you..god bless you.


Aisyah 4 years ago

im a vietnamese girl,im 24 years old and im so painful. i had lost my daugter when i pregnant her at 37 weeks.and i gavebirth her at 15-11-2011. to see her no crying when she was born my heart was broken. she got problem with her umbilicallcord,today i found this sied and i want to say thanks to you alot. i felt alot better when i read this websied. i know i will never forget this,i try to get over it. her name is sarah jasmin,i will remember her til the last day of my life.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

You're welcome, Reschel.

Aisyah, I'm so sorry you lost Sarah Jasmin. I'm very glad you were able to receive some comfort from reading what others have gone through. You're right, you will never forget. Take care of yourself.


coolwash 4 years ago

We lost our baby in her sleep a few months ago. if anyone would like to read more about it, her memorial website is http://www.alyssa.1x.net. Also, Alyssa's Angel Fund for Baby Maddy - http://www.gofundme.com/h2h6k - Please post it everywhere and like it in FB. Thank you. Hopefully our story will help others.


Marcia 4 years ago

Dear KCC

How do you know if you are in a state of depression after losing a child? Sometimes I keep away from people and sometimes I have trouble sleeping and so on. However I don't feel hopeless or helpless. It's just that i don't want to bother anyone or force them to talk to me or so because I know I'll say something about Matthew. I think i'll always be sad and yet i do laugh at times even though the sadness never really leaves.I can't multitask at work as I used to, so I'm thinking of retiring. Matts always told me about people he knew who changed careers late in life and were quite successful at their different job. He was so encouraging to me. My problem right now is thinking about how he had his plans and dreams for his career but did not live to enjoy the fruits of his labour. I do believe he was optimistic and in a happy state of mind around the time before he died. Now at this late stage of my life I have more questions than answers. Am I just overthinking everything?


Gloria 4 years ago

These stories....my God.....I thought I was alone until now. It has been two months since my 2yr old daughters death. We found her in her crib blue, lifeless.....I am crying so much as I write this....I miss her so much..... Your article hits my heart. I would like to speak to all of you because I am in so much pain....... I miss my daughter...My baby... She went through so much for her first 6months of life. She had Hydrocephalus and HPE, It was nightmarish.... Then she was doing amazing now, she did things doctors were amazed by.....things they said she would never do, she even gave me kisses!! ....so amazing..... I'm in loss right now...I do not sleep at night. I can't stand to know that if I fall asleep, I might dream of her and it scares me when I awake... I've had dreams of me walking into her room and finding her and saving her from death..... nightmare nightmare..... I have an 3 yr old daughter that no longer has an baby sister.......I am an mother of one child now... Her name was Amelia Bethany. Mia was her nickname for everyone.. and her favorite song in the entire world was Hey Soul Sister by Train. I cringe when I hear that song...What to do now? She was my life. My Mia...... :'(


Gloria 4 years ago

I just also wanted to add that it is devastating to know that life is beautiful sometimes and so unfair all together. I continuously replay the day she passed over and over..... I can't stop opening the box they gave me at the hospital with the last pajamas and diaper she had on...I cry in the darkness, I feel as if I bother my friends sometimes when I speak about this. My family has completely broken apart. Completely. I lost my 2010 brand new car and my fiance, I now live in an tiny efficiency with my 3 yr old daughter and my father. Devastation and broken hearts...There are no longer drives on the weekends with my girls or pretty songs to be sung .....I'm 24 and there was no way in this lifetime I was prepared for this. Laughter was part of my life, the joy to be around everyone..... I feel as if a part of me, my own soul has crumbled... My goodness GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND I FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND THIS PAGE AND TO FIND ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERS,DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AUNTS, NIECES, BEST FRIENDS AND ALL ! We all have an special friendship. Always.


MOC (Mom of Chris) 4 years ago

I lost my son on 12/14/11. He had been diagnosed with bone cancer in 1997 and there started the pain meds. After several surgeries and cancer free he still battles addiction from the meds. On 9/19/11 he put himself in a rehab and was 78 days clean before my husband and I found him in his small pool house he rented. We had not heard from him for one week and decided to do a welfare check on him. We did not think much of it b/c he was in his program and had a support system. Needless to say the coroner pronounced him deceased at 2:22 p.m. on that Wednesday, December 14, 2011. He had been deceased about 6 days when we found him. All that runs through my head are the "what ifs". It is just devestating b/c he was my constant worry for over 14 years and I his caretaker. The coroner's report said he died from an overdose. It was accidental. Just getting through each day is tough. My husband and I do see a phycologist every two weeks and that is helpful since she knew my son and us as a family. I do have a daughter and she had a 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. My heart is just torn in to pieces with out him. Thank you and your readers for any advice. Sincerely, MOC


Jessica Miller 4 years ago

I feel your pain, we lost our little girl to SIDS in October 2011. She was only 8 weeks old. It is so hard but we are having a little boy this time and he is due the same day his sister was due in August. I am so happy and sad and scared at the same time. I am excited for this new baby, but I cannot help but think about Alyssa every day and how good of a big sister she would have been. I am also scared to death that it will happen again. I try not to worry too much but it is so hard.


alejandra sandoval 4 years ago

you have given me hope...there are many angels in heaven right now looking after their gorgeous parents


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

So sorry to take so long to respond to the posts here. I’ve been extremely busy.

Coolwash….I’m so very sorry you lost your daughter Alyssa. I have visited your website and she was beautiful. I know you miss her greatly!

Marcia…..what you’re going through is very normal. When my son died I questioned everything. And, like you, I had more questions than answers. Over time, things smooth out. You find your groove and get back into it. My advice is to do the things that feel best to you in the moment. If it feels better to be alone, be alone. If it feels better to be around people, by all means, go out and be with people. There are no rules to this. You have to do what helps you the most. Don’t worry about what others think or how others think you should act or feel. Be yourself. You are the only one who knows what is right for you.

Gloria……you are definitely not alone. I’m so sorry you lost your daughter Mia. I think most people never think about the parents of deceased children until they become one themselves or until affects someone very close to them. It’s just one of those things that we assume (and hope!) never ever happens to us. Those horrible things happen to other people. I’m so sorry you lost your 2 yr old daughter Mia. I was sent home from the hospital with nothing but my son’s tennis shoes. That was tough. So understand how you must feel. I think having a 3 yr old will help you. Concentrate your love and attention on her. Give it time. You have lost so much (daughter, car, fiancé, etc). But, I always feel that things happen for a reason. You will laugh again. You will always miss Mia, but you will adapt and begin to enjoy life again.

MOC (Mom of Chris)……I’m so sorry you lost your son. You should take comfort in knowing you did all you could to help him. I firmly believe you couldn’t have saved him anymore than any of the rest of us could have saved our children from dying when they did. I truly believe we only die when it’s our time. Seeing a psychologist, particularly one who knew your son, should be very helpful to your recovery. Just be easy on yourself. The pain of the loss will not be quite so sharp over time.

Jessica Miller…..I’m so sorry you lost your infant daughter. How cool that you’re expecting on the same day she was due. I know you’re feeling a mixture of emotions. That is very normal. Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. Shower him with love once he arrives and know that your little girl is looking over you both. ?

Alejandro Sandoval……Hope is an excellent foundation. With hope you can get through anything.

Good luck to you all. Again, I’m so sorry it took a while to respond to some of you. I do care about you and hope your pain is easing some.


Marcia 4 years ago

Today is Mother's Day. It is nice to be with my other children, yet always in my mind is the thought that one is missing. One will always be missing from now on. I just needed to see Matthew today, so I played a DVD of a concert in which he performed. Everytime the camera was on him I started to cry. Then the thought came to my mind that the video was Matthew's gift to me. He bought it home for me so long ago and was never really keen to view it himself yet he was quite amazed at how happy It made me 'cause i watched it so many times and showed all his Aunts when he was alive. I found myself saying "Thank You, Matthew for this wonderful gift." I believe this is the first time I've watched this video since the few days after Matthew died in 2009. At that time I guess I was so afraid that I would forget his face or his voice that I tried to capture every picture of him in my memory. But you know something All I have to do is close my eyes and can can see him and hear his voice as he was the last time I saw him alive. My next milestone will be to play the song we both enjoyed singing together which I could not bear to do since he died. I hope others mothers were able to find some peace today. Thank You KCC for this forum for us to share our feelings. I guess I had some strenght today but I know it's going to get more difficault as Matthew's Birthday caomes along next month in June. Maybe you can give me some ways of how to get through yet another birthday. He would have benn 29 years old this year.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Marcia, Happy Mother's Day to you and all of the other mothers!

Watching videos is a great way to reconnect with our lost children. It's something I haven't done in a while. It is deeply touching to hear their voices again and to see they movements, etc.

Regarding the strength to get through Matthew's upcoming birthday.....my advice would be to spend that day reflecting on previous birthday memories with him and just honor the life he had. Choose to make it a day to celebrate the life that was, rather than the life now gone. Will you cry, most assuredly. We'd worry about each other if we didn't. It's natural. It's to be expected. But, allow yourself to smile too. Laugh a little. Remember the wonderful nuances that made him Matthew.

Take care.


NESSIA 4 years ago

HI JUNE 14, 2012 WILL MAKE A YEAR I LOST MY SON. HE WAS 16 WHEN HE DIED. HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH HIS DAD AND BROTHERS. WHAT HURT ME THE MOST IS THAT I WASNT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WASNT ABLE TO HOLD AND COMFORT HIM. I WOULD OF WANTED HIM TO AT LEAST SEE MY FACE BEFORE HE CLOSED HIS EYES. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. HE WOULD OF BEEN GRADUATING IN A FEW DAYS FROM HIGH SCHOOL. GOD HELP ME


Marcia 4 years ago

How NESSIA feels is exactly how I feel every minute of every day, regardless of what I say or do otherwise. Its a parallel feeling of sorts that is there with me always even if I laugh or smile or appear to be having some fun.Matthew's birthday is June 15th. I'll try to get my family to do something special to celebrate Matts life as KC suggests.Once again thank to all you cyberfriends who share my pain and help to give me courage to get through the day.May God bless all of you.


marsha lowe 4 years ago

My son Casey Lowe died in Japan April 14, 2012. Casey was hit from behind by a 3 ton truck while on his bike. He was in his 2nd year of teaching English Communication for interact Japan and he also spent one year of collage there in Japan too. Casey was only 22 years old. It was strange how just 2 months earlier Casey was working hard to get me to visit Japan to understand his love for this country. Anyway, out of the blue like I bought my tickets and spent the best two weeks of my life with him. After returning home 4 days latter, April 10 we received a call from the state department that our Casey was dead. My heart just broke and I fell to my knees. It has been hell for me and my family. We had to come up with $20,000 cash to bring Casey home. This took 2 weeks. We put Casey to rest just 2 weeks after his death. Now we are dealing with getting our Casey justice. Just getting the police report can take several months. yes, I said months. There is no money to help you with the cost of his death until the layers are done. This has been a $50,000 ordeal so far. Yes Casey is worth every penny but we didn't have the money. So we are working with a bank right now. We are in so much pain all the way around. We are nearly every day dealing with Casey's case over therein Japan by emails and phone. Every day is like the movie Ground Hogs Day. I cry most of the time it seem. It doesn't take much to set me off in tears. I know it would help if the law in Japan could go faster. But it is dragging and Casey just cannot leave my mind for not too long. How do you go on with the mess we must deal with? Casey was so loved by anybody who met him it seemed. I couldn't believe all the people who seemed to care about him in Japan. He so loved teaching the children in Japan. I was so very proud of my Casey.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

I just discovered I have comments here that have gone unnoticed. Just shows how busy my life has become. I do apologize.

Nessia, I am so sorry you lost your son. I understand what you're saying about wishing you had been there. I have felt that way sometimes. I try to comfort myself by chosing to believe that maybe it was better this way because I think the pain could have been worse if I had been there and felt helpless to do anything. As you've passed the one year anniversary I hope you're finding peace.

Marcia, I hope things went well for the birthday anniversary and you were able to "celebrate" Matts life in a way that brought you a bit of happiness.

Marsha Lowe, I'm so sorry that you lost your son, Casey. He sounds like a son any mother could be proud of! Having all of the foreign legalities and enormous costs certainly adds a layer of difficulty most of us haven't had to deal with. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there!


Beau'sMomma 4 years ago

I had my son May 2 2012 he was with us for almost 2 day, I had him at just about 6 months and we had to make a rough choice and pull the plug due to him having blood in his brain at a stage 4. I play the what if games all the time, and wonder if we would have waited a few days if just maybe it would of went away. I have heard so many stories of babies having blood on the brain and it getting better or completly going away. It is still very fresh on my mind and i have become distance from my family and friends, kind of building a wall up. I am not the same person i use to be, will this get better?Is there anything i should do to maybe heal my heart. I have never experianced this before and dont know anybody else who has.


yvette7 4 years ago

I understand completely the feeling you are describing. My daughter was also connected to life support for a little over three months. I was constantly pressured to pull the plug on a daily basis by the doctors and chaplains. Well I stood my ground and never did, my daughter passed away anyway. I question myself for keeping her on life support. What if I would have pulled the plug, maybe it would have helped her to wake up and begin breathing on her own. As a mother we will always question our actions and feel guilty for what we did or did not do. I also became distant from my family and friends, and that's ok. No one understands your pain unless they have gone through it. Don't feel like you have to ask permission to cry or talk about your baby. I had some visitors drop by last week and I was hesitant to let them in. Upon seeing my daughters urn and all of her pictures they quickly looked away. Every time I try to talk about my daughter they change the subject. Perhaps it hurts them to remember but it shouldn't be that way. The only thing I can assure you of is that your baby is safe and well taken care of in the arms of God.

Praying for you.


Peter 4 years ago

Hi, my son Jake (17) died on the 20th August whilst on holiday in Spain. It took time to get him home. I have so many of the emotions you talk about, but nothing changes the fact that I will never see his lovely smile and thoughtful ways...life will get easier, but everything seems so raw at the moment.


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KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas Author

Peter, I'm so sorry that you lost your son, Jake. You're right, things are still very raw right now and will be for awhile. You're also right that nothing changes what happened and nothing brings him back. That is true for all of us. We would all do anything to reverse what happened have a second chance to see our loved ones again even if it were for just one moment. The passage of time will allow you to accept what has happened and find peace with it. You will begin to cherish the time you had rather than be hurt/disappointed/bitter over the time we lost out on.

Take care.


Yolanda 3 years ago

My daughter Michelle died Sept.11,2012 in her sleep, I found her upstairs, the dogs was barking I called her name out, Michelle,Michelle are you going to take the dogs out, she didn't answer I ran upstairs enter her room saw her laying down like she sleeping. Michelle get up, please Michelle I knew she was gone. I put her on the rug to give CPR, Michelle baby please get up,Michelle please mommy needs you, MICHELLE!!!!!!I called 911. I couldn't believe it she was great I talk to her around 12:30am she said she recored The Voice and that she clean up, I said great thank you, love you. She was looking forward for her birthday and coming to work with me. Michelle Birthday was Sept.24. she wouldv'e been 31yrs. You seem Michelle was an angel from God, she was a little slow but you wouldn't notice, she was so smart and full of life. She loved me so much always take care of me. She loved her NBA team Spurs and her animals. Michelle choose me to be her parent for 30years, and was her time to go back to God. I miss her so much it hurts.. I miss her smile, mommy what are we doing today.I want my Michelle, why!!! I hear her voice mommy don't cry I'm okay I will always be with you and protect you, you were a great mom, I love you mommy!!! Oh Michelle I love you,I love you! It hurts so much!!! Why God!!! Michelle trusted me.. Why didn't God direct me to her to helpMichelle, she died in her sleep peacefully..


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Skcoolmum, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I hope you realize that you did all you could. I firmly believe there is nothing we can do to "save" our children if it's really their time to go. Please be gentle with yourself. Her death is not your fault.

Yolanda, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter Michelle. I know you really miss her, but I hope that you take comfort in knowing she is still with you, watching over you and protecting you. Just like my advice above, you didn't let Michelle down. You do everything you were supposed to. Be easy on yourself.

Take care all.


Marcia 3 years ago

It's Christmas time and this is so painful for me. I've always enjoyed this time of year, but Matthew died on the 13th December and after that date its impossible for me to feel any enjoyment for the season. I guess I just pretend to have a good time when in company so the occasions won't be spoiled for other people! Missing Matthew every single day is a way of life for me now. His father goes out with his friends and appears to have a genuinely good time and sometimes I just can't understand how he can be like that. Matts older brother hardly talks about him but my daughter talks about Matts all the time and even my granddaughter can recognise and say his name when we show her his pictures. When she says 'Uncle Matthew' it just breaks my heart to know she never got the chance to really know him as she was just one year old when he died. I'm just so sad all the time. Please help me!


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Marcia.....I'm so sorry for your loss. Each person handles their grief in the best way they know how. It might be that your husband finds it easier to handle his grief while in the company of friends. It doesn't mean he doesn't hurt or care as deeply as you. He's just handling it differently, and that's ok. Just as you see your children handling it differently. One child rarely speaks about him, while the other talks about him all of the time. One finds comfort in talking, the other in keeping it inside. Both are ok as long as they are progressing in their healing.

Now, for you.......my suggestion is to be yourself at Christmas gatherings. Look for things to make you smile. It might be the joy in watching children being excited about Santa, it might be how beautiful the lights look on the tree. Anything small that lets that little bit of joy inside. Perhaps it's a memory of your son, Matthew and one of his past Christmases. I know these memories are bittersweet because he won't be here this year to make more, but all we have left are those past memories. I find comfort in hanging onto them. I don't think friends and family expect us to act like nothing happened. They do understand. I also believe that our loved ones would not want us to be miserable either though. They would feel like they ruined our holidays. I know my deceased son would want me to laugh and have fun. There is no doubt in my mind. He would be upset with me if he thought I let his death affect his sister's Christmas. (My son died just 2 months before Christmas the year he died).

The only other thing I can add is to just be kind to yourself. Pamper yourself any way you can. Merry Christmas, Marcia. May you find some peace and healing in the days ahead.


Mary 3 years ago

We lost our son 4 days before Christmas. He had a 2 year old daughter. She wants her daddy. A 19 year old street racer lost control went thru the median and killed our son. He just turned 31 years old 5 days earlier. I'll never forget the police coming to our door at 3 am. Oh Dear God no. It will be 5 years in 2 days. It doesn't get easier. I am so sad. So resentful. We lost our son, our 36 year business my husband couldn't do it anymore sine our son also worked there. We lost our home. It was/is challenging to keep it going Thank God for our other son or we wouldn't be here. We have to be here for him. I want me to be back. I miss the person I use to be. Friends wanted to be like me. I celebrated life everyday. I need hope. I need it badly.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry you lost your son, Mary....and right before Christmas. Have you thought about grief counseling, or talking to someone who has been in a simliar situation? Each loss brings unique circumstances and your situation brings challenges to overcome that others (like me) do not have to deal with. For instance, another person's actions did not cause my son's death, so I don't have to deal with the forgiveness aspect or the resentment of feeling that someone stole something special from you.

When you say that you want yourself back, YOU have to do that. Don't allow that 19 yr old to steal that away from you too. You still have control over that. Reclaim your life. Pick up the pieces and smile again. I'm not saying things can go back to normal because of course they can't. We are forever changed. But, you can become a new version of Mary that remembers the love for her son and smiles in spite of the pain. I am a firm believer that we were never intended to mourn death, but to celebrate life. Although we are saddened when we lose someone, we can't dwell on the sadness for long before we need to heal and rejoice in the time we did have with them.

Take care of yourself. Look for things to make you smile in rememberance of your son. You will begin to heal. If you are struggling, then seek outside help.


yvette7 3 years ago

@yolanda...I cry with you. I know how much pain you are feeling. My daughter was 19 when she passed and she was also a special needs child. You could not tell that she was a little slow but the doctors said that is what could have led to her death. She was unable to communicate to me the amount of pain she was in from her appendix. They even found that she may not have felt any pain at all. She passed away on September 24 last year. She was perfect, I miss her every second that goes by. She also loved to watch the NBA games and her favorite team was the SPURS. She was a light in this dark world. I believe that your daughter is now safely in the presence of God where they will be forever. Praying for you, may we be given the strength and endurance to live each day as they would want us to.


peggyelaine 3 years ago

I just lost my 16 year old son-will bury him on monday. It was shock at first and then pain.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm so sorry for your loss, Peggyelaine. I'll be thinking of you on Monday. I remember the shock and pain very well. My best advice is to take it one moment at a time. Give yourself lots of love and time to heal.


deethompson 3 years ago

I know exactly what you are saying as I have lived this horrific thing 3 times. My daughter was 2 hours old, another daughter was 15 months old and my son died just before he was born. No, you never get over it and you never forget but you do learn to exist. I actually started a business a year ago as a result of my losses. I always left my children notes on their graves and when I went back to their graves the ink had run and they were all messed up. For years I would tell my husband "someone really needs to do something about this". In May 2011 my husband of 47 years died and half my soul left with him. That was it ---I would do something and I did. My company is "See Ya Tomorrow" Greetings. You can visit my site at www.seeyatomorrow.biz I think you will be pleasantly surprised. We have original poems that are laminated and fit in our holder. We have 2 holders that can be placed in a cemetery or inside. We have cards for 17 different occasions including missing you, from beyond, birthday etc. We even have charms that fit on our patented holder to tell about your child. I know what it is like to walk away from 3 tiny little graves and it is heart breaking. But when I leave my message I can smile as I walk away. If I can giove a broken hearted mom or dad just a little comfort I will count it a blessing.


eeblick 3 years ago

It will be two years April 16, that my son Andre passed away.

In reading the above remarks, I agree with most of them. But,

when I hear the cliche word "healing" used, it aggravates me.

In a grief counseling group I attended, someone compared the loss of my son to a scab that heals over.

Healing in it's miraculous form took place in the Bible when Jesus actually healed sick, deaf, blind people. Healing to me is a 100% return to normal. So, call it samantics or call it true. Until my son comes walking in the door and I wake up out of this dream, healing is not part of my life. Furthermore, any trigger whatsoever dispells the myth of healing.

Can I say there is acceptance over a loss I have no control over? Yes. That is what I am working with today.

I agree with most of what has been said here. My loss happened in such a sudden and dramatic way, I never got to hold my son or tell him I love him. I live with the trauma of Andre's accident every day and question why I am thinking about it every day. I just can't help it. Many well meaning people have suggested taking Paxil or something else, but I refuse to. I drank for over 1 year and one half, but did not help the situation.

Thanks for listening.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Eeblick: I'm sorry about the loss of your son, Andre. I think each of finds the path to coping/accepting/healing/whatever we wish to call it in our own way and each of us assigns different meanings to what those words mean. Hang in there, after two years it sounds like you're doing well.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Peggyelaine. I hope you are doing ok.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Deethompson: I can't imagine all of this times three, but what a way to turn it around and create something positive out of it!


Karen 3 years ago

I lost my only one child three years ago, he was in university grade 2, 20 years old. I go to church for help. sometime I feel I can not live without him. live total change.


paulk64 3 years ago

It's only been 3 weeks since my daughter Jennifer took her own life. She was a beautiful happy girl until the last month of her life. It breaks my heart to know how sad she was and how it ended. Life is so miserable right now. But she gave me 22 years of pure happiness. My heart goes out to all of you.


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Paulk64, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Like the rest of us, you will cherish that time with Jennifer forever. Hang in there. Just take it a moment at a time.


Kathleen 3 years ago

We lost our beautiful daughter, Emily, 17 months ago this week. She had recurent idiopathic pancreatitis and developed complications. She was 25 and lived at home still because of her illness. She was hospitalized many times the last 2 years , had 4 surgeries, was in daily pain, suffered horrific excruiating episodes of pain on top of that, and fought with such tremendous courage and strength. I was with her every minute of the day. I am absolutely lost as to what to do without her. We have a daughter 2 1/2 years younger still at home thankfully, but we all grieve on different "pages"-- I may have a better day than my husband, but his sorrow brings me right back to my own, and vice versa. We try to help each other. Life advice: don't surround yourself with weak people; they expect a lot from you during thier bad times but cannot/ will not help you when it's your turn and STILL expect you to be there for them. We have found out who our true friends are, and Emily's as well. It's very sobering to find out how people treat you in the darkest of times. The selfishness can be astounding, but the genuine concern can be humbling. Thank God for those in the latter category. Emily is never out of my thoughts. I visit her every day,and I read to her when I'm there. She has always liked Southern literature especially. I am on my 29th book. We also keep a notebook where any one of us can write about dreams we've had of Emily, things that make us feel she's nearby like smelling her perfume out of the blue, etc. Our friends and family tell us things too , and they get recorded as well. Things like that are a big help because we can look at it anytime and see things we may have forgotten over the months. We cry a lot and miss her terribly. I have to remind myself "Your thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." Sometimes it helps; sometimes it means nothing. I try to be strong since Emily had to be strong, but at times I wish one of those asteroids would hit my house so it would all be over and we could all be together again.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Kathleen, I'm so sorry about the loss of Emily. You have given some great advice and insight based on your experience that many will benefit from. Thank you for sharing it! You are getting stronger every day whether you realize it or not. Hang in there!


Augusta 3 years ago

Not many people want to be around you after you lose a child. Maybe the funeral and such, but after that, you better have some emotional reserve, because people just don't want to hear it. That's okay. Because I could never make anybody understand how bad it hurts. People will say the dumbest things. I found little to no comfort from other people. Looking to the Lord and trying to piece together good memories are the only things that helped me. Seven years later, I can still fall to my knees in pain if I let myself dwell on all that was lost and the life my boy will not get to live. Anybody who thinks they can tell you how to handle it should just sit down and shut up. I just love those folks who stayed away, never showed any compassion, and they see you later, and it's like where were you in my hour of need? You find out who your friends are.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Augusta, I agree that unless you've lost a child it would be really difficult to fully understand our pain. I found it frustrating to hear friends try to relate. I can also understand your statement about how 7 yrs later you could dwell on it and put yourself right back on your knees. That's the key, I think. You simply can't allow yourself to dwell on the enormous loss because our brains will never get wrapped around that acceptance. It will always be, no matter what, something we can't find the fairness in. Hang in there.


Christine 3 years ago

Our 13 year old son was on Spring Break in Hutchinson Island, Fl with his best friends family. On April 3, 2013, he and his friend were crossing the street from the hotel to get snacks at a convenience store and was hit and killed by a driver. The past weeks have been heart-wrenching. I have always been an optimistic, the glass is half full kind of person but I wonder if that piece of me is gone. I miss Jamie so much. He had a world of experiences in front of him and now they are gone; just like that. I saw my parents go thru this same pain when my 8 yr old brother drowned on a family camping trip in The Catskills. Two generations of tragic deaths. Luckily, as you mentioned above, I too have a younger daughter (11 yrs) who is also having a difficult time dealing with the death of her brother. Having been thru it myself, I feel better prepared to help her. So unfair...


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Christine, I'm so sorry about the loss of Jamie, and your brother. You have witnessed this loss from two different angles. I agree with your final comment "so unfair". That really sums it up, doesn't it? It is the most accurate description of what we feel and live with. It's just flat unfair. Nothing we can say, do, or rationalize will ever make it ok or fair. It just is what it is and we have to accept it and live with it regardless of how painful it is. Based on what you've shared, I think you are very well-equipped to help your daughter through this. You both will be stronger women. I know my daughter and I are now. Take care.


Marcia 3 years ago

It has been a while since I wrote about how I feel after the loss of my son Matthew. The pain of losing Matt is as intense as it ever was. There is no relief as I continue to tire myself out everyday so I can fall asleep at night. Tears come to my eyes anytime anywhere still. It will be 4 years this December. Matthew's 30th birthday would have been on June 15th next month. What do I do then? I still hear his voice and see his face when I close my eyes. I miss my son so much. How do I react to the so-called close friends who were not there for me, but have suddenly started making contact again? Do they think they gave me enough time in their way of thinking to 'get over it' and expect me to be the way I was before 2009? I have a problem trusting people now. Please let me know what you think about it all.


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Marcia, do you have anyone at all that you can confide in? Have you tried a grief support group? What about beyondindigo.com? That site has a message board for all types of losses. It really helped me to talk to someone who had gone through the same thing I had.


Huntersmom49 profile image

Huntersmom49 3 years ago

KCC i want you to know how very sorry i am for your loss but I also want to thank you for your post. My 18 year old son was killed in a car accident on Jan 15th of this year. I thought i was doing ok, well as good as could be expected. Until this past week as he was suppose to have graduated HS on June 5th. I feel like I've taken several steps backwards. Hunter is (was) our oldest and only son. I also have a daughter a few years younger. Your story seems so similar to mine and i know i found your story today for a reason and i just want to thank you for sharing. God bless you and your family!


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KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas Author

Huntersmom, thank you so much. I am very sorry for your loss as well. I can only imagine how you must have felt when his graduation date rolled around. My son died when he was almost 13 and I still had a tough time when his high school class graduated. Our children should have been there. We should have been there to see them. My daughter did attend the graduation because of other people she wanted to see. I just couldn't do it. Those iconic benchmarks in life will always created challenges for those of us who have lost a child. It's during those times that we not only mourn the loss of them, but the loss of a special event we could have all enjoyed together that we now have to miss out on. They are basically stolen memories. Stay strong. It's sounds like you're doing well for it being such a recent loss. Thanks for sharing your story.


David Wright 3 years ago

My son Alex died instantly in a car crash two years ago. Alex was eighteen. Something occurred to me this fathers'day. My prayer life has been for the most part regular for many years. All those years, and almost without fail, I asked God to spare me the loss of a child. We know the answer to that prayer. It was no. There was a purpose for the early taking of my son and I may never know what it was. But I do know that it involved a purpose for God that was more important than my selfish prayer for being spared the loss of a child. I don't ask that anymore even though I still have a daughter here. I have learned that my trust in God must be total and complete and that is so hard to learn. It doesn't keep it from hurting. It does reinforce hope to a certainty and a longing much as Paul had. Even Jesus asked that he be spared crucifixion if it be the will of the Father. We know that answer too. It was no. And because of that we have access to life everlasting for the believing. Think on that.

I will not get over the loss of my son here but I will see him again. An everlasting life together will give us mending. And it does hurt more than anything I have ever faced. I know that many will scoff at this faith. For me, hope has been replaced with certainty. I don't care what others think. I believed all this before too.


sheila 2 years ago

I need answers and don't know where to find them. I lost my son june 2008 at age 22. Death was ruled sucide. have very good reason not to believe this. all I want is find someone who can help me find out the truth. please,I need to let him rest in peace. can you help me?


Marcia 2 years ago

Dear KCC Big Country

It has been a while since I last confided my feelings on this site. I guess I felt abandoned when you suggested I visit another site. Expressing my feelings here helps to soothe the constant pain I still feel when my son Matthew comes to mind. Really thoughts of Matt and what he would have been doing if he were still alive pass through my mind still. This year will be five years since Matt died of a fatal asthma attack at age 26. I still miss my son and it really does not get any easier to accept that he is not here. Tried counselling, read books on grieving and, spoke with people who lost loved ones all that but losing a child is different from losing a parent or spouse, because those people did not give birth to them and know them from the first day of their lives. keep a small photo book in my handbag all the time and I try to recall episodes in our life so that I will always remember times. Even started a diary of sorts. I so look forward with hope and faith that one day I will see him again. I try to be involved in many activities but he is right there in my mind all the time. It's like I multi-task even when paying attention to something else. Is this normal or am I losing it as the saying goes?


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 2 years ago from Central Texas Author

Hi Marcia.....I'm very sorry that I made you feel abandoned by suggesting another site. I was simply sharing a site that helped me so much when I was struggling. Like you said, it didn't help me to speak to people who had lost a friend or parent. I needed someone that had a similar loss as mine. It had to be a child. It had to be someone near my son's age. Otherwise they didn't share enough of the same emotions. Marcia, you're not losing it. It's normal. Grief takes time and that time is different for all of us. Have you thought about starting a webpage or even a local group in your community where people can gather to discuss their feelings about grief? Basically, your own grief support group. It might be an idea.

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