How I went from being a victim to becoming a survivor
I woke up this morning with a burning desire to write, which really surprised me as I haven't had the inspiration to write about anything for a while now. So I put pen to paper or more like fingers to keyboard and started writing. If you're in a dark place in your life from years of abuse there is hope. Don't give up on yourself.
What makes us a victim? Is it how we feel when we are wronged? Is it how we handle ourselves in certain situations? Or, do we allow ourselves to be victims and not move on just because it is easier to lay down and cry poor me?
I have been a victim my whole life, starting when I was ten and was sexually abused by two adults, then later being mentally abused by my now ex-husband being told how horrible I was, and that I wasn't worth anything. I couldn't leave my house to visit my mother or friends without feeling guilty that I was shirking my responsibilities as a wife and mother. After ten years of listening to all of the lies I started believing I was the most horrible person in the world. With my self-esteem so low I was vulnerable to predators looking for weak individuals that they could prey upon, and was raped repeatedly by my ex-boss. He knew I wouldn't tell anyone because I needed my job. Not only that but who would believe me, a lowly worker. He would tell me I "owed him" if I made a mistake and if I didn't oblige him he would fire me. I remember crying myself to sleep every night for years, praying to God to let me die that I wasn't worth living. After years of feeling worthless and not worthy of anyone's love, especially mine. I came to the conclusion that the abuse I endured as a child started what I call my little girl syndrome.
I so wanted to be a good little girl, and would do anything to get approval from the people that meant anything to me even after I became an adult. I would stop thinking and just do whatever I was told even if I knew it was wrong or didn't feel right. I had to be a good little girl to get approval from everyone. I suppressed my feelings pretending nothing was wrong and that everything was perfect. I learned how to lie to myself and everyone around me in order to just survive. I told everyone what I thought they wanted to hear. This became my way of life, my mind set. I thought in order to be happy I had to make everyone else happy by doing what they wanted even if it meant my sanity.
It took forty years of abuse before I broke and when I did I lost the one person that was trying to keep me sane. Myself, I lost me. Or maybe I never knew who I was and subconsciously went on a quest to find the real me. For five years I closed down, shut everything and everyone out. I didn't exist in the real world. I only existed in body and not in mind. I was afraid to leave my house, afraid of the outside world. I feared what I could not do, stand-up for myself. I let everyone walk all over me, because I didn't think I was important enough to voice my opinion and fight back. I kept on rationalizing that if I stayed in hiding nothing could ever hurt me again.
It took a series of events before I realized I had been crying poor me my whole life instead of standing up and taking control of my actions and thought processes. I knew I had to change everything I was doing in order to become a survivor and let go of the role of victim. . It wasn't easy taking that first step and seeking out help.
I will never forget the day I decided to pick up the book, The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. I couldn't put it down. My whole life changed. I went from being a victim to a survivor. Within months I was able to seek out professional help. The Secret helped me realize that I am worthy of being happy and worth every effort to become a survivor. I'm now in charge of my thoughts, my feelings, and how I react to situations and people. It has helped me incorporate positive thinking into my life and has changed how I view the world, and myself. I no longer have to please everyone to feel accepted. If people accept me for who I am great, and if not, it's their loss not mine.
You can to overcome years of abuse no matter how horrific. I am living proof. You just have to take that first step, and believe that you are here for a reason, you are important and know you're not alone.
If you're going through similar situations you don't have to keep on hiding and being scared of your own shadow. There are people that can help. I know it's scary asking for help, telling people what you are going through and wondering what they think of you. The first step is picking up the book The Secret, It will get you in the correct mind set. You will be glad you did. Only you are in charge of your future. You are worth the journey to become survivor!
If you want to discuss your situation, I will be more than happy to help you in any way that I can. you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment on this blog.
May you find peace and happiness,
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