The Importance of Properly Wiping Your Bung
Do Not Neglect the Bung
As a child, I was the unfortunate victim of inattentive parents. In other words, while we may have discussed the birds and the bees, we did not discuss the cockroaches. I'm ashamed to admit, I did not realize how to properly clean my bung until I was well into my teenage years.
Effects of Ignoring the Bung
Folks with dirty bungs tend to fidget a lot. I recall as a child that I always felt mildly uncomfortable, kind of like somebody had put a dollop of peanut butter between my butt cheeks. When I walked, I was that guy who was always reaching around to pull his underwear out of the crack between his cheeks. Have you ever seen a dog drag its rear end across the grass? I was the human version of that dog.
Should You Wipe Foward or Backward?
Although there is an ongoing debate about proper bung-wiping, it actually doesn't matter that much how you wipe your bung when it comes to proper bung maintenance.
Some people, after they're finished going #2, wipe from bung to genitals while remaining seated while others stand and wipe from bung up their crack toward their back (but not out of the crack). These are two distinctly different types of people. While no extensive studies have been done on which method is better, overall bung maintenance really depends on the extent of the wiping.
How Much Should You Wipe?
The chart below shows the relationship between wiping one's bung and disease.
The reader will notice that the rate of disease declines once 2+ wipes are applied and declines through 6 wipes, at which point the chart would indicate that the bung is its most clean. However, after 7 wipes, the disease rate goes back up. This is because wiping the bung too much can cause irritation which can lead to sores and rashes and other types of reported discomforts.
History of Bung Cleaning
Cleaning the bung has been a source of frustration since the days of the cavemen. Due to the amount of body hair found on many cavemen, bung cleaning was particularly difficult. Generally, cavemen did little in the way of cleaning, a conclusion that is supported by the fossil record as many bones of early Neanderthals have been discovered with petrified fecal matter present in the bung region. This likely contributed to a short life span.
As human beings became more civilized, bung cleaning became more sophisticated. However, what we know as modern toilet paper wasn't invented until 600 AD in China. Even then, it was a substance used by richer people. In fact, the detail of bung cleaning is often a distinguishing characteristic between rich and poor. While the poor would use their hand along with water (and this is still done in parts of the world to this day), the rich would wipe themselves with a wide variety of substances including cloth, silk, leaves, and various other substances, including the hands and heads of poor people themselves. Poor people were often employed to wipe the bungs of the rich and those with particularly smooth and absorbent hair were in high demand.
Those like myself who have been the unfortunate victims of bung cleaning neglect due to ineffective parenting and education have taken it upon themselves to educate others who might be wondering about such things.
As you can see from the above article, bung cleaning is a vital and important part of human cleanliness and proper cleaning of the bung can lead to much happiness and life satisfaction. Those with dirty bungs are usually unhappy due to itching and other bung-related maladies.
A clean bung is a happy bung.
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