How To Survive Your Prostate Exam

The Worst Feeling a Man Can Experience

Ok, so I know you don't want to talk about it, but it's probably time you faced up to the fact that you should have your prostate checked. For a guy it's truly the worst feeling in the world-especially (like me) if your doctor is 5'1" and has fingers measuring 11 and a half inches long. It's like a once a year date with E.T.

No guy enjoys the violation of his manhood by having a rubber goved finger shoved into his backend-no matter how well-lubed it may be. But it's a necessary evil and you have to do it. Here's why.

If you're a guy, prostate cancer is the most common cancer (other than skin cancer) among men. One man in six will be diagnosed with the disease next year. 1 in 35 will die from it. Prostate cancer isn't fun and neither is the exam. Men should begin getting regular prostate cancer screenings at age 40, or earlier if the disease runs in your family.

Ok, now that the scary facts are out of the way, let's get down to business on how you should handle the exam, so you can go home that day with a slight bit (but not much) of dignity.

If you've yet to have your first exam, here's what you can expect. (Guys that have had the test can back me up here.)

1.) You'll loosen your pants and drop them. The boxers or the tighty whities come down next. (Don't wear the ones with the hole as you'll embarrass yourself more)

2.) The doctor may decide to totally degrade you at this point and check for a hernia. (Lucky you!)

3.) Your doctor will ask you to bend over an exam table while leaning on your elbows. (My doctor prefers my laying on my side in a fetal position. Not only can he examine more thouroughly, it's supposed to be less uncomfortable and not as invasive.) I don't care what position you're in. Let's face it. That's about as invasive as you can get.

4.) Your doctor will snap on a rubber glove and hopefully won't be too cheap when it comes to the KY Lubricant. As soon as you hear the glove snap onto his wrist, prepare yourself.....it's coming. Try not to tense up. You'll want to, but it's not going to help the situation. 

5.) The doctor will then jam his finger backstage and feel around for your prostate. If you're like most men, (at this point in the exam) you're gritting your teeth, your eyes are tightly closed and you may be crying. Not from pain, of course, but from the sheer terror of another dude's finger in your smokestack. Then as quickly as it happens, it's finished. He's done.

6.) Wipe away the tears and lift up your trousers, you big wuss. You're all done. Now go home and take a shower so you don't have a case of KY ass for the rest of the day.

 

Signs You Need A New Doctor

If you see or experience any of the following 3 things during your prostate exam, I suggest finding a new physician immediately.

1.) When you walk into the examination room, it's full of scented candles and has a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket of ice. Barry White music is playing in the background.

2.) He puts a ball gag in your mouth, so no one can hear you scream. Then he pops Pulp Fiction into the DVD player.

3.) He walks in wearing full womens lingerie and heels.

3 Ways To Make Your Prostate Exam More Fun

1.) Before the exam, ask the doctor to feel around for the watch you lost last week.

2.) Insist on no lubricant. Tell him John Wayne wouldn't use it, so neither will you.

3.) During the exam ask the doctor if he promises to call you in the morning. (Trust me, this is really funny-even if your doctor does not have a sense of humor.)

You're Good To Go

That's it. You did it. You now have another 364 days to get ready for your next prostate exam.

Go do this soon. I've lost too many people I've loved to cancer. Go get checked.

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Comments 17 comments

gamergirl profile image

gamergirl 8 years ago from Antioch, TN

Prostate massage, it's good for prostate health!

Oops, was supposed to be an attack comment.. hehe


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 8 years ago from Standing right behind you! Author

That figures,....I can't reach my prostate.

Yeah, lady,watch those attack comments. You're going to get me into a fight someday sticking up for you:)


gamergirl profile image

gamergirl 8 years ago from Antioch, TN

Gotta get you a ladyfriend to do it, joe!

No fights, I promise. Your clayface is too pretty for all that. :P


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 8 years ago from Standing right behind you! Author

Well, I'd better forget about the massage, gamergirl. I can hardly get her to scratch my back when I need it.

And thanks for the "no fights" promise. There are hubbers out there who might just vote to have you burned at the stake.


gamergirl profile image

gamergirl 8 years ago from Antioch, TN

I'm allergic to flames! >.>

All kidding aside, this hub is a great reminder for men. Gotta take care of the poop chute, guys - prostate cancer is serious business.


Em Writes profile image

Em Writes 8 years ago from Upstate NY

Going to show this one to the hubby tonight. He turned the big 4-0 this year, and has yet to get his parts examined. Or, at least not THOSE parts.


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 8 years ago from Standing right behind you! Author

Thanks Em. I tried to write lightly about a serious subject, but please, make sure he gets checked out. They are just as important as a breast exam or pap smear for women. As you know, us guys are HUGE babies about everything-and a prostate exam is definitely at the top of the list. Drag him if you have to.

Thanks for your nice comment....


funnebone profile image

funnebone 7 years ago from Philadelphia Pa

I pay one of the dishwashers at the local Olive Garden to do my prostate exams. The dish soap is very slippery and my but smells like pine oil for weeks. Sometimes I get breadsticks after!


Rachel 6 years ago

i want to commend your effort in making sure that the patient are surviving it after the operation.Thanks a lot.


Michael 6 years ago

Have had two "digital" prostate exams in past four month (doctor has me on Testosterone injections to replace what my body stopped producing itself and it's a potential problem) and in both cases was on side in fetal position and with whatever lubricant they use it's over in seconds, almost before you know it occurred. No pain and even with a female student present no embarrasment either. It's just a medical test, though an important one. I have another on 1 December and stress I felt before first two is no longer present. Hope my comment further eases any anziety after a great helpful article.


Steve 5 years ago

Have to do it??? - I don't think so. I've got no intention of ever doing it. I'll take my chances


MikeNV profile image

MikeNV 5 years ago from Henderson, NV

It's nothing physically. It's all mental. The thickness of the doctors fingers may make for a nice visual but means nothing. I've had this test more than once. It's more embarrassing than anything, it doesn't hurt in the slightest... perhaps it would for someone who in fact had a real problem. There are many many tests that are much worse than this one.


jeyaramd profile image

jeyaramd 4 years ago from Mississauga, Ontario

Its a necessary evil. Doctors recommend an exam as early as 30. Its far less painful that having a prostate problem, where urination is painful for some men. Its a serious matter. Thanks for sharing this hub.


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 4 years ago from Standing right behind you! Author

hi jeyaramd, thanks a million for the comment. It's appreciated.


Spongy0llama profile image

Spongy0llama 3 years ago from Canada

Some of your commentary is wildly offensive to the LGBT community.


harter 3 years ago

Get a PSA test as well.


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 2 years ago from Standing right behind you! Author

Spongy0llama ...Wildly offensive? To whom? This hub has been published for 8 years. Yours is the only complaint received-and that was 16 months ago. If there's anything I really detest is someone who claims to "represent" a group of people and then not back up their opinion. By the way, I checked out a couple of your hubs. They helped my insomnia. Thank you.

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