How to make living with a narcissist easy

A Little something to keep Your Narcissist busy

Things to remember

The number one thing you must realize when living with a narcissist is, the world revolves around them. The world exists for the soul purpose of them gracing their appearance on this earth. As long as you keep this in mind, living with the narcissist should be relatively painless. It may take you a few years to recognize that your ‘better half’ has narcissistic behaviors and during this time you may find yourself confused and feeling a bit ’put out’ with your spouse. With a little patience and determination on your part to change, you will be able to live in relative harmony.

The first few years seem to be the most difficult time in the newly married when one of them is narcissistic.

For future reference in this article the Narcissist will be henceforth referred as N.

What your responsibilities are

The bathroom which is generally shared by two has become the N’s main domain, because you will find out very soon they are extremely vain. Appearances are everything in the mind of the N. It will also become apparent that you have been put here to serve them. Grooming items will become your responsibility, it will be up to you the spouse, to make sure they are put back in their proper place after the N has used them. If this is not done, N will surely blame you, accusing you of misplacing said items. If you have not realized that you are living with a N, you will do something such as stop combing your hair just so you can stop being accused of using and misplacing the offending comb.

As I have stated appearances are everything to the mind of the N. Clothes are of major importance as well. N may desire to have clothing items pressed/ironed including but not limited to denim jeans. They may do this for themselves since you are not capable of pressing said items in the manner in which they desire. If you are stubborn and persistent and wish to make a good impression you may try to get it right, it may take a good six months for the N to pronounce that you ’have done a good job’. At this point you may stop doing the ironing. When questioned as to why you have stopped, just tell the N that ”You said I couldn’t do it right, I just wanted to show you I could.” Because they are vain, they will pick up where you left off without question.

Raising children in this environment can be a bit tricky. If the child cries, the N will assume you are doing something wrong with the child. If the N is sleeping then it becomes your purpose in life to make sure the child never does anything to cry. God forbid if a crying child should wake the sleeping N. Always keep in mind that whatever the N is doing, becomes the most important thing in the world. Hopefully for your sake, and the sake of your mind, your N will find a job that allows sleeping when everyone else does. More than likely this will not happen, as I have said the world revolves around the N and they will do whatever they want, and you will just have to find a way to deal with them and their wishes.


Making plans

You will need to become more flexible in the world of the N. Such things as organization will become obsolete. The mind of the N changes rapidly. You are not allowed to do such things as make plans. Should you do so, do not hope to include the N in your plans. The N is the one who needs to plan things, it has to be their idea. If for some reason you have made plans, it is up to you to make certain that the N believes that it was their idea, if you cannot do this, plan on going alone. Once you have gone alone and then return home, you must expect the N to say things to you such as “What took you so long?” “I would have went with you, why didn’t you say something?” In the attempt to make you feel bad for not including them. More often than not, you will find yourself sitting at home in the company of N, not doing anything particular.

If the N should go with you, one of two things will happen. Either they will demand to be the center of attention in which everyone surrounds their wondrous self, or they will skulk off alone in the hopes that you will follow. In either case, you will wish you stayed home. In the first case, they may try to find someone who is in awe of how wonderful the N is, that in turn will draw the attention of others. Before long a crowd may surround N, in this case N will be bathed in glory. In the second case, if N cannot find someone immediately to converse with, N will become sullen and draw away from everyone. You will see N sitting by themselves, and possibly feel sorry for them. You will try to draw N into conversation with others, when in fact what you are doing is giving attention to N in the way they desire, you have now surrounded N with admirers, in their eye. After a while it will become such a chore keeping N happy, you may find yourself declining more and more invitations, and just decide to stay at home.

Feeding your Narcissist

Feeding the N. This can be challenging at times, especially if the money isn’t available to purchase certain foods. The N likes certain foods and expects them to be there when it is desired. The challenging part is when the N expects you to become a mind reader. You in your attempt to placate the N, make sure that there is a great variety of foods to be found with the kitchen. You attempt to keep a goodly supply of the N’s favorite foods, just in case it is desired, it will be there. It is your hope that no one else in the home will also want these foods, because N will complain if they are eaten. If you should purchase something for someone else, it is guaranteed N will find it and eat it, with the complaint that “You never buy this for me”. You will now make sure there is plenty of the new food for N. If your aren’t careful your home will look like the inside of a mini grocery store, with a little bit of everything.

You never know when N is going to be hungry or exactly how hungry N is going to be. In preparing cooked foods it is best to go overboard in the amount you make. Over the years N has learned to appreciate your efforts in cooking, because if you should stop cooking the way you did the ironing, N will starve. At some point you may want to consider getting a dog or at the very least a garbage disposal. Though the N has inflated your ego when it comes to your cooking, leftovers will not be tolerated. No matter how delicious the dish was yesterday, today it will be something N does not want. You will have to be extremely creative when using leftovers, because yesterday’s taste will still be there. After several days of it being passed over for something else, it will undoubtedly go to the dog, or the garbage disposal.

Living with the Narcissist

The art of raising children around a N is something that will not be known to its fullest until children are fully grown. The possibility of having a N child becomes quite real. Without a doubt, if you have several children one of them will become a N. One of these children will certainly worship the N and in this, certain traits will be emulated. The N will perform in such a way that the child desires only to be around N at all times. N desires this worship, and feeds off of it. If you attempt to discourage this, you will become the bad person. The other children will feel that N has a favorite. The truth of the matter is that N’s favorite person is the N.

Because the world revolves around the N, everything in the world becomes the personal property of the N. If they see something they feel they can use, and no one else is using it at the moment, it will become theirs. If the N is an outdoorsy person something as simple as dishtowels will become the personal property of the N, using them in such a manner that defies the idea that they were originally for dishes. If you should ever see them again, they will have become quite unrecognizable. Also keep in mind that if N should take something from inside the house to use outside, you will have to be the one to retrieve it. In the mind of the N, returning an item will be thought of as demeaning because they are not here to serve, rather it being the other way around.

Living with an N will seem at times like you are going somewhere in your life. This is just an illusion. You may be encouraged to pursue a career, provided it fits in the parameter of life of the N. You will spend many years attempting to find something that fits within these parameters. In this, you will not succeed, unless you can find something that can be done when the N is not around, even this will not be guaranteed. There are times when doing something that is helping to build your success, time is taken away from the family. This will not be tolerated in the life of the N. You will be allowed to do those things, provided it is not taking time away from N.

Having an outside job to some, is required for living. In the life of the N, it is allowed only when it does not interfere with N. If you have children, you must provide care for them because the N cannot be bothered to care for them. If it has become an emergency that you work, the N may for a short time care for the children and home. In this they will be the best care giver and housekeeper that has ever existed, and they will make sure that you know this.

When the N is forced to do menial chores around the house, such as much needed repairs, you will have one to two choices. The first, you must read the mind of the N to decide what is going to be done, this should be done days in advance. Then you must ready them with the tools and supplies that will be used for the job. In this you will have to search your entire home, garage, and shed for these tools, in anticipation of what they will need. This can be challenging because you never know where the N will have left those things in their previous chores. The second, drop everything that you are doing to be the needed gopher. If the N is doing something that you have asked specifically to be done, regardless if it needed to be done or not, you should at the very least expect to stand over the shoulder of the N and show proper appreciation for the job being done.

When watching television with the N, you should expect to watch anything they want to watch. You should also expect to allow them to hold the remote. You should remember that if you are watching a program and the N enters the room, the TV will automatically be changed to whatever the N wants it to. If you put up a fuss, the N will go to another room and turn on another TV, a couple of things will happen. The N will turn the TV up very loudly drowning out the sound of your program.  Possibly having found a program that you just ’have’ to see will yell loudly for you to tune it to the said channel. Either way the N will be sullen and be unhappy until you once again drop everything to go sit with them.

Sex with the N may have wondrous appeal, provided you enjoy the same things they do. You could quite possibly find that having sex with the N is something they enjoy, since it involves them. They are their favorite person so complimenting them on a job well done will be most appreciated. They may attempt to learn new and different things, which they will tell you is to please you, but in reality they want compliments from the receiver of their attentions. Do not tell the N that they are doing something you don’t like, this is a complete no-no. Their fragile ego cannot handle any type of rejection. You will have to accept that the love making of the N is something that will change only when they want it to.

Changing yourself

You will spend your life making changes within yourself, to accommodate the changing N. If you work hard and long enough, you may feel you are successful. If you ask the N, you will find there are areas in which you can improve. The N themselves will never need improvement because after all, they are perfect just the way they are.

Because you have become adaptable to the life of the N, you will continue to change to suit their wants and needs. In a sense you will create some sort of harmony within the home, you will become used to the ever changing moods of the N, and learn to adapt. In effect you will have learned to live with the Narcissistic person.


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Comments 22 comments

Mom Kat profile image

Mom Kat 6 years ago from USA

It's Sooo true! Great hub


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks Mom Kat - I was hoping that you would find this! Struggling with kids is hard enough, but then adding to that the difficulties of the father!! Whew! I had to try and make light of the situation with regards to my husband, and yes, he still is breathing!!


LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 6 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

I reckon this is why I am single...N would have the whole bathroom, kitchen, and bed to themselves forever.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL - Yeah I'm thinking on that subject now...


brightforyou profile image

brightforyou 6 years ago from Florida

A clever, witty and thorough write about a painful and soul-destroying relationship. I feel your pain and hear your anger within the sarcasm. Was it worth it? Did you stay? Your piece not only perfectly highlighted living with a person with Narcissistic personality disorder but also highlighted co-dependency and the lengths a partner will go to, in order to keep the peace and keep the family together. I hope you got out of this relationship and left 'the bastard.' I hope you got yourself free and I hope you are learning more about self-love, boundaries and self-care. Excellent read, well done and I am very pleased to have found you on hubpages.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Well brightforyou - Ummm, no actually when I was writing it, he was here making needed repairs wanting me to look over his work... (insert appropriate ooh's and ahh's) He kept trying to peek at my work and was beaming like a spot light when he asked "Are you writing about me?" and about broke his own arm (patting himself of the back) when I answered "Yes".

Yes, there is a lot of anger and sarcasm. Sometimes I wonder about my level of sanity as I continue to stay with him. But the one thing I can say is he has a great sense of Humor, particularly when we point out his faults. (Because of course.... it's about him)

My daughter and I have a new favorite quote of his now. As he was laying in bed watching TV, I had already offered him dinner previously and he wasn't ready - all of a sudden he says "I will eat now". Very Kingly mind you... with the blankets all smoothed and tucked around him just so...

He knows he is on the edge, as I am, and we very precariously balance our relationship.


Daliah Lego profile image

Daliah Lego 6 years ago from Kazakhstan (where Borat came from. LOL)

Great read! In every word of it was a hint! It is not, not, not worth at all to put up with a N. Life is too precious to throw it under the feet of someone who does not deserve it. Let the N be in love with himself.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Well he certainly does love himself, that is for sure!! We were watching the end of a movie the other night 'Phenomenon' and the part of how much she loved him came up. He said to me "I wish you loved me that much!" Two things came to mind when he said that. 1. I used to... and 2. You love yourself enough for both of us... So instead I said "What makes you think I don't?" BWHAHAHAHA (evil I know)


Sherman 6 years ago

Ironically, what you say needs to be done for the care and feeding of N only validates and reinforces non-empathic behavior. When it's "all about me", who are you?


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

When living with a Narcissist they do have empathy, but only for things they feel empathetic about. You learn to adjust your way of thinking to theirs. I am not saying this is right or even the right way of thinking, I am just saying "This is how it is".

You can fight it if you wish, but it will be just that, a fight. There are only 2 ways about it, either live with it or leave. There is no changing the Narcissist.

Thanks for reading and commenting


sparkster profile image

sparkster 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Good article, though this seems to focusly mainly on the behaviours of the classic male narcissist. A lot of the behaviours descripted here and not present in the female N's behaviour which is what I focus on mainly in my hubs.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

The female Narcissist is different from that of a male. My daughter is suffering from confusion because she doesn't want to be a narcissist, but can't see to help herself. For me it was easier to describe his behavior because I am more familiar with him rather than her. I didn't discover this until a few years ago and she has been gone from the home since before my discovery.

Thanks for stopping by!


elnavann profile image

elnavann 5 years ago from South Africa

Hi - I enjoyed this very honest and humorous post. Writing about it must be part of what is keeping you sane. I have to say that many men have some of these N streaks, although not all rolled in one person


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Yes, writing about it and making jokes has kept my sanity. There is yet another thing that I forgot to put in here..

When the N wants to speak, the world must listen. Even if it means at 3 am, 4 am or when ever the mood to talk strikes the N. The response when you are woken? Oh! I thought you were awake!

Thanks for stopping by!


Jlava73 profile image

Jlava73 5 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

Thanks for sharing! All I could think as I read this is how strong of a person you must be.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

You are very welcome! Well I hope I am strong! Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong or incredibly stupid... maybe a little of both? Glutton for punishment? Most certainly!


Celebrity ns 4 years ago

This has been the most helpful description of a narcissist I have read because it is exactly my husband on every point! Same guy!!!! Are you certain its

narcissism and not just eccentric? Does he withhold? Mine is trying to cover up withholding by running his hands all over me really quickly for like two hours (and no other activity) until I literally just want to hit him with a fly swatter and hold his hands down and tell him to knock it off. It is so bizarre. Then the next day he'll tell me how I missed the magic opportunity at 5 am because I was sleeping. My fault. You are so funny. Please keep writing!


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

But of course!! Witholding is part of it! They are so wonderful and filled with awesomeness that when they give you what you want they are giving you the best gift imaginable - themselves... or at least part of themselves! If they really don't feel like having sex they will play with your ...'emotions' Get you all excited then say either 1. you were sleeping 2. you weren't responding so they didn't think you wanted it 3. they have to go to work.. Yeah any old excuse is good....

When my husband walks he likes to walk in such a manner that he can see his 'guns' (biceps) they have this un-natural swing forward so he can glance down at them... and check out how fabulous they are!! Yep, I'd say narcissist...

When clothes are chosen they must fit 'perfect' I was and have never been allowed to choose his clothing (it would always be returned) because of the 'fit'... Jeans must be tight enough to show the 'package'... Shirts or sweaters must always show the muscles, but cover a slight tummy bulge.

As you get older it only gets worse... Now you not only have to feed their wonderfulness BUT you also have to soothe their wounded pride at growing old... If you've done your job well and petted them properly throughout the years, they will one day feel that they are 'too old to start over' or in other words.... settle for what they have.

Sometimes it's funny... sometimes it gets old.. Just remember you cannot change them, because they are perfect just the way they are.


Reluctant Shaman 4 years ago

To Sweetsusieg

How true you are. The frightening thing is that narcissism is on the increase, and that is official. The best think to protect yourself is to know how to recognize them, and not get sucked in with their highly seductive behaviour, which works on both male and female victims.

Below is an article that gives 10 Insights to Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/10-insigh...


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Personally I have an opinion as to why Narcissism is on the rise, I have been debating on a hub about it. After having met and knowing many people who exhibit this behavior it would make for an interesting theory.


JustMe 4 years ago

Yes, I love an N. Stumbled onto this old post and just loved it. I've been married to my N for 28 years, and it hasn't been easy, except when he wants it to be. The thing is, everyone deserves love, and I truly do love my man. The trick is not losing yourself in the process. I keep a little job, two days a week, just to get away and be myself. I also have my daughter/mother coffee days, and crocheting is always a good escape. Yeah, they get worse, but they also get better at giving you compliments to get what they want. It's definitely a balancing act. I'd still not trade my a** for the world. Although winning the lottery may change my mind.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL - Are you living my life? I am at the 28 year mark. Actually mine is just a bit different, his Narcissism has gotten out of hand. He has even taken to pouting when I yell at him. Ahhh such is life!!

So glad you stopped by and enjoyed! Good luck with your N!!

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