Hypochondriacs step-by-step guide to illness

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Disclaimer

This article is a light-hearted look at the loosely used term Hypochondria. It is not intended to belittle anyone but simply (hopefully) bring a smile to an otherwise troubled face.

Are you a hypochondriac?

Maybe you have one in the family.

You know the type, health indicators scrupulously self monitored for potential deviation. Each twinge, ache and pain categorised by intensity, duration and location; such that a spontaneous burp is duly registered and filed under early-stage stomach cancer. I know, I have a fledgling one in my family. Below is a transcript of a recent conversation (they are currently 7 years old).

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Them - "Dad, what would happen if you drank petrol?"
Me - "You'd die I suppose, or get very sick. It would all depend on how much you drank."
Them - "Would it hurt?"
Me - "Yes, I could imagine it would, a lot. It would burn."
(10 minutes later)
Them (in tears) - "Dad, I'm scared I drank some petrol."
Me (alarmed) - "What, where, how much?"
Them - "I don't know."
Me - "You don't know what? you don't know how much?"
Them - "No. I don't know if I drank it."
Me (confused) - "Huh? You don't know if what you drank was petrol?"
Them (frustrated) - "No, I don't know if I drank any."
Me (beyond confused) - "So, you think you might of, but you're not sure? Where did you think you might of drank it?"
Them - "I don't know. I'm worried I might have at some time, but don't know when."
Me - "Oookay." (just realised with whom I'm talking)

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Connect the Spots

You see, unbeknownst to me, our previous conversation about the result of drinking petrol had actually been a search for why her throat was sore (why the petrol tangent I'm unsure). Of course, it was enough for me to suggest painful burning as a symptom of petroleum consumption for the hypochrondra-dots to join, and, voilà, a cause is born.

And that got me thinking, hypochondriacs must really chew through a lot of time and energy analysing, diagnosing and formulating conclusions regarding their every bodily sensation. Therefore, I have put together this hub to streamline the process for them - or you, since you're the one reading this I assume there's something burning, itching, hurting, bulging, spreading, oozing... or maybe even just imagined.

How Hypo Are You?

But first, a quick poll to get a gauge on your level of hypochondriatic mastery.

Please take quiz to right ------>>>


How'd you do?
Be sure to register your results in the poll below

OK, Shortly I'll get you to navigate through the maze of symptoms below. All things being equal (which we know they most definitely are not), you're set to quickly unravel the mystery illness that is yours.


Isn't it all a bit exciting, what will you end up with, a common communicable disease like the flu, or something more exotic like Malaria, or sinister, like Ebola, or unpronounceable, like Erythropoietic Porphyria ... relax, go have a drink of filtered water to calm yourself and then we can proceed.

So are you ready...

You will need a pen and paper and/or a calculator

It works like this
Below are a range of symptoms, simply select those that apply and then add together all the associated symptom codes, this will give you a Bundled Symptoms Code.

Once you have the total, select that number from the Bundled Ailments List and instantly get a list (bundle) of (remotely) possible ailments

Authors note: I said (remotely) possible, not probable; big difference.


Good luck.

But first, let's determine your ranking

So, what was your hypo-score?

See results without voting

Bundled Symptoms List

(click column header to sort results)
Symptom  
Code  
Symptom  
Code  
abdominal pain
23
difficulty concentrating
44
Back pain
12
Shakes
54
Chest pain
78
grinding noises
4
Head pain
90
watery bowel motion
15
Neck pain
88
memory lapses
27
Limb pain
45
angry outbursts
33
Nosebleed
67
emotionally drained
37
earache
66
itchy teeth
2
toothache
65
itchy bottom
16
pelvic discomfort
58
loss of appetite
41
cold
77
weight loss
57
feverish
69
weight gain
59
dizzy
70
dry mouth
3
dry mouth
7
fatigue
25
nausea
18
jaundice
97
short breathed
85
bruising
19
sleepy
14
tremors
39
sweaty
15
convulsions
40
thirsty
17
cramping
87
tired
24
vertigo
88
weak
42
bleeding
99
constipated
44
swelling
95
blind
73
deformity
86
blurred vision
63
shivering
1
double vision
53
confusion
36
triple vision
93
depression
35
hallucinating
84
euphoria
32
strong body odour
51
headache
31
difficulty swallowing
61
migraine
32
difficulty urinating
71
tic
9
paralysis
92
Other
100
insomnia
62
 
 

On a more serious note...

Bundled Ailments List

Possible ailments listed in no particular order. You might want to even close your eyes and randomly pick one; they're all just as likely... remotely probable even.

1 - 200

More by this Author


Comments 38 comments

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

On a gravestone:

"I told you I was sick!"


SusieQ42 5 years ago

Three people in my life have some kind of ailment all of the time. They spend way too much money (and brain power) to heal their ravaged bodies! When it affects the finances and my peace of mind it gives me a head ache or a stiff neck or a back ache or frazzled nerves and ultimately sends me into a tailspin...or all of the above. I pray often, thereby have established with the Lord that otherwise I would not have. Thanks for the hub. (What I really want to know is why? Attention? Low self esteem? Past abuse? Why? Why? Why?)


jimagain profile image

jimagain 5 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

I knew it! I was feeling way too good to be healthy!!

I loved the poll and the way you put this Hub together. I voted UP and funny!

Thank you Dr. Parrster. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and pick out a casket!


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@WillStarr ~ LoL

@SusieQ42 ~ I'm afraid this hub delves as deep (or shallow) as I'm qualified to comment into the malady, although I have read that childhood trauma can kiskstart it. Thanks for stopping by.


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@jimagain ~ Yes, feelings can't be trusted. In fact, good feelings are the classic indicator of something terrible about to happen; such that it should really be called happychondria.

Yes, I'm happy (Umm, careful) with the way the hub came together also. As always, thx for commenting and good health to you.


stessily 5 years ago

parrster: There's a great sense of humor that nods in the background of your serious hubs, and so I thoroughly enjoyed this hub in which you let the humor run amok. I only scored 18 percent on the quiz, and I could only find two symptoms, earache and tired, but it was a truly enlightening experience! :) Thanks for the smiles, and on a more serious note, how is part 2 of "Did God foresee this?" coming along?

Kind regards, Stessily


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@stessily ~ Thanks for this comment. My humour is something I use in moderation, as you can never be sure of its interpretation from the readers end. I am glad you like this hub though.

Yes, the "Did God Foresee this" Hub. I knew someone was going to pull me up on that particular item sooner or later. My problem is that I get involved in too many things simultaneously. Being male, and therefore not great with multitasking, that generally spells 'expect extended delays'. I must have about eight hubs in various states of completion, and, as is human, I put off the harder ones. That said, thank you for the reminder, and I will make a diligent effort to get it finished and posted. God bless.


stessily 5 years ago

parrster: I was giving a gentle reminder of my interest in part 2 of "Did God Foresee This", and I understand about extended delays as I have more than 8 hubs in imaginal or neophyte states! (My hubs on Canada's John McCrae, Australia's Will Longstaff, and C.S. Lewis on Miracles have been patiently queued for almost a year now!)

It is worth waiting for part 2, however long, for it to be written as you wish. As one of your many appreciative followers, I simply await the happy notification that is automatically generated when you release another hub. :)

Blessings and kind regards,

Stessily


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@stessily ~ it sounds that you have some wonderful hubs on the boil, I especially look forward to the C.S.Lewis one. Thank you again for your gentle reminder; both you and your comments are dearly appreciated. God bless.


Tamarajo profile image

Tamarajo 5 years ago from Southern Minnesota

That was hilarious.

When I was younger I was more of a hypochondriac but the older I get the less room I have to worry about things that have not happened or could happen. Will deal with it if and when it happens.

funny article.


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@Tamarajo ~ Hey, nice to have you along, welcome to my hub-zone.

I have the opposite problem, as I get older the individual aches and pains have all joined together into one big one. Thanks for commenting, glad I could make you smile.


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 5 years ago from hub

We all have something in our lives that we have to deal with? Some seen, others have things that are internal that are not seen. Interesting subject to read about.


His daughter 5 years ago

Very entertaining parrster! I'm thankful that I don't qualify.


Charles Hilton 5 years ago

Excellent hub! And I can't help but chuckle at the title. lol

At my age, it's hard to not get a little nervous at physical anomalies when the dreaded "C" word lurks behind every potential diagnosis. But, other than getting Cancer, I have no real worries.


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@heart4theword ~ very true. thanks for stopping by and commenting my friend.

@His daughter ~ glad you enjoyed this. it was a spontaneous hub based on a conversation with my youngest daughter. Thx for commenting.

@Charles Hilton ~ welcome to my hubs Charles. Glad to hear you're limiting your worries to only the big C. With the myriad ailments available, we could be worrying all day... if you'll excuse me, I just have to take my temperature ;)


stessily 5 years ago

parrster: I want to let you know that I keep coming back to this hub. I hope some day that your youngest daughter will laugh her way through this hub and feel honored that her innocent ponderings inspired you to create this wonderful, wonderful hub. This ties with Molière's 'Le Malade Imaginaire' for funniest hypochondriac-themed writing but exceeds my dear Molière for the respectful understanding of the power that hypochondria seriously exerts upon its practitioners' lives. Your humor is definitely appreciated! As Oliver says, "Please, sir, can I have more!" More of both: serious hubs and humorous hubs. Again, voted up + useful + funny + beautiful + awesome

Kind regards, Stessily


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@stessily ~ You've made my day with your lovely comment and generous praise. God bless.


CASE1WORKER profile image

CASE1WORKER 5 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

I am very well thankyou. However if you don't see me around

here for a while try the local hospital as I have a really itchy left foot which is a sure sign of something nasty...


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@CASE1WORKER ~ oh dear, an itchy foot. Look, I don't want to be the harbinger of doom or anything, but that could be the onset of gangrene, or at the very least a leg ulcer, which is often the sign of advanced stage diabetes, which means you probably already have kidney damage (if they haven't failed already that is), of course this means your lymphatic system is stressed.... um... where do I send the flowers... I'm happy to post a eulogy.

;)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

OMW, I scored 39%! = “Borderline Hypochondriac...”

Yet, the older I get, the better aches and pains in my body manage to draw my attention. Especially the ‘new arrivals’. Really, the first thought that pops up in my mind is: “CaNcEr?” Perhaps I am not used to physical pain? Fortunately I am too busy to listen to my body, so 99,9% of my aches just disappear within an hour or three.

I once knew a woman who complained in the funniest way. The way she referred to her ailments: “Oh, today I have a foot.... Today I have a head... I have a neck... a stomach...” Then came the time she was seriously ill, and nobody took notice of her complaints. And so forth.... “I told you I have blood and flesh,” should be an inscription on her tombstone.

Parrster, I enjoyed this hub and voted it UP in all ways.


feenix profile image

feenix 5 years ago

parrster,

This is an awesome, well-written and well-researched hub. It is professionally done.

Also, I am a helpless hypochondriac.

For example, about 10 years ago, this open sore appeared on my outer thigh.

Right after I discovered it, I went to my doctor and told him that I think I have A.I.D.S.

He asked, "Why do you think that?"

I said, well I've been involved with some women who are a "little shaky" and just look at this big open sore on my thigh.

My doctor looked at the sore and burst out laughing.

Then he said, "You don't have A.I.D.S. That's eczema."


moiragallaga profile image

moiragallaga 5 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

This is really funny Parrster. Brilliantly written hub! Thanks to you I now know I am a borderline hypochondriac, haha. Got to go now, I got this pain on my leg. Could be a cramp but you never know right? :)


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@martie ~ Yes, isn't aging a wonderful thing, bringing with it aches, pains and skin decorations unknown in youth. Like tree rings, you could probably guess my age by the number of brown age spots that have gradually appeared on my hands and face over the decades(not to mention the wrinkles). And cancer, few words can raise such worry. However, like you, I would rather ignore the ever growing indicators of aging and deteriorating health, until they warrant my attention. thanks for commenting and pushing all the buttons :)

@feenix ~ welcome to the hypo-C club. AIDS, now there's a worthy disease in any hypochondriacs lexicon. If you're gonna worry about illness, might as well start from the top. But seriously, glad to hear it was only eczema... did you get a second opinion?

:)

@moiragallaga ~ Why thank you for your kind praise, I am very pleased you so liked this hub. Of course, I'm assuming you're still alive to read this, after suffering the leg pain; if not, then my condolences to your loved ones.

:)


feenix profile image

feenix 5 years ago

Hello, parrster,

I didn't get a second opinion but to set my mind at ease, my physician drew blood from me and sent it to the lab for an A.I.D.S. screen. The test came back negative but because I am the hypochondriac that I am, I was as worried as I could be, while awaiting the results.

Also, following that episode, I stopped making contact with women who could be described as "shaky" or "shady".

But now, I am obsessed with checking my body for moles. In fact, just the other day, I discovered this big black mole on my lower torso and, as soon as I saw it, my heart started racing.

Then I touched it to see what it felt like, and when I did that, I discovered that it was only a little ball of lint, probably from the black T-shirt that I had just taken off.

It is really difficult being me ;-)


kimh039 profile image

kimh039 5 years ago

How fun! I'm on my way to the store for my own hypochondriac bag! urine cup, thermometer....


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

Oh boy, I had no idea how sick I really was until I read this hub. I think I'm dying and I'm calling the doctor right now. Is it normal for my hair to itch? I think one of my eyeballs is swelling, I hope it doesn't pop out. Why is no one answering? Am I going deaf? I better drive to the hospital, but what if I have diabetes and my eyesight goes while I'm in the middle of traffic? Thanks a lot!


stessily 5 years ago

parrster, I am always glad that I'm your follower, and just now I appreciate one of the benefits of being your follower: I am notified when someone leaves a comment on one of your hubs.

I am sitting in a university library at a computer station where I am uncomfortably visible to all and sundry, and I am having to do everything I can not to be reduced to endless, childish giggling fits not only by (1) this hub, which I rejoiced in re-reading, but also by (2) Alexander Mark's comment above. I had no idea how hilarious he is!

What an inspiration you are, parrster!

Laughing hysterically but with kind regards, Stessily


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

Dearest stessily, I was inspired by parrster's humor, I am merely the monkey that follows (but thank you).


stessily 5 years ago

Alexander Mark, sorry to disabuse you of your firm denial of hilarity, but I have also seen your comment on PDXKaraokeGuy's hub on vikings, so I am firmly convinced that you do indeed have a humorous side. Nice balance!

All I can say is that if you keep this up --- and I hope that you do --- I will have to buy a massive supply of earplugs to hand out to all library patrons and staff in my vicinity!:-)

Laughing not quite as hysterically (the Tech lockdown has just been lifted but two are dead and the shooter is at large), but nevertheless still appreciative of the collaborative hilarity of Alexander & parrster, a great comedy team!

Kind regards, Stessily


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

Now I see why you are a level 7 commenter and I a mere 6 - I can never break past that number 6. Grrrrrrrrrr. What the heck are you doing with guns in the library??? To be honest, guns in the library are not as bad as cell phones, THOSE people deserve to be shot (Oh my, if you've seen my Viking comment, then you'll start to think I have violent tendencies!).


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz Author

@ Alexander & stessily ~ I'm so glad you've both become so well acquainted on my hub. Can I get you anything while you're here? An eCoffee maybe.

Is it Alex or Mark? I'll call you Alex for now. So sorry to hear about the eyeball Alex, I assume the swelling has gone down. I may have to include a further disclaimer reneging all responsibility for the onset of sudden symptoms while reading this hub; as it appears it may have kick-started a dormant hypochondria strain within you. I also apologise that stessily seems to think your suffering is so funny; though she is such a lovely person in every other way I'll deem to overlook her warped humour ;)

Stessily, as always, you are one of my favourite commenters, and if it were up to me I'd make you a level 12 grandmaster. However, this may only make Alex the more jealous and his eyeball will start swelling again; or even worse, that violent streak will transform into Alex the Viking, and he'll start shooting things.


stessily 5 years ago

parrster, not only are you humorous and thought-filled but you are also courteous and thoughtful! An eCoffee is always welcome except later in the day when I prefer an herbal eTea. Am I being demanding?

I am indebted to you for pointing out my warped humor; it's truly ghastly, isn't it? Shall I take full responsibility or blame it on some underlying illness which is expressing itself in churlishness?

I'd definitely guard against pushing Alexander Mark too far; he's defensive about those vikings!:-)

As far as I am concerned, thanks to your words, I am a level 12 grandmaster. Thank you! A dream come true which will not be wrecked by Alex's swollen eye! He doesn't seem to realize that he's so handsome even a swollen eye looks good on him! Did that get me out of a tight spot?

Appreciatively, Stessily


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

I am having a good laugh reading your comments.

Parrster, you are truly gracious to let us banter on YOUR comments section. But I have to point out that this is all Stessily's fault, her comments are so awesome they cannot be ignored - especially the undeniable truth about my beauty (I can't believe it's not butter!).

Stessily, you are a level 12 Grand Master commenter in my book too. Because parrster likes you so much, could you ask him to also serve ETea - "Earl Grey, Hot" just like Picard likes? I'm hoping I like ETea more than realTea.

I think the laughter is making the swelling go down, things have stopped looking like a fishbowl finally.


Natashalh profile image

Natashalh 4 years ago from Hawaii

Hahahahaha. Voted up and funny!


parrster profile image

parrster 4 years ago from Oz Author

@Natasha ~ thank you


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

You are a funny man...but also a very good writer. You have a distinctive writer's voice and it was a pleasure to read this....by the way, I am so far removed from hypochondria that I can barely spell it.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 15 months ago from San Diego California

My son was a pretty serious hypochondriac when he was younger but now seems to have grown out of it, now being distracted by girls instead of imaginary diseases. Your poll gadget would not appear on my phone but this was great information.


parrster profile image

parrster 15 months ago from Oz Author

@Mel ~ thanks for reading, kids can be funny creatures. I still get a laugh rereading the conversation had with my daughter. Thankfully she too has outgrown the faze.

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