I am a woman with Asperger's Syndrome - Feeling both male and female

As a child I was confused to who I was. In many ways. But let's stick to the topic of the day! Gender!

I knew I was a girl, but I didn't feel "all" girl. I felt both. In my younger years I would fantasize about being a boy quite often. I didn't know why. But it was a strong feeling and it would overcome me sometimes.

I was never a "girly girl". I didn't like dresses or looking really pretty. I preferred to go play outside alone trying to find snakes in the long grass than to playing with the other girls in the neighborhood. I liked animals, a lot, and would chose them over people.

When I was invited for play dates there was usually barbies involved. I played along but I don't think I was very interested. As a young teenager my barbies started having "accidents" and ended up with no hair or limbs. Woops.

When I was 11 to 13 my best friend was a boy around my age and I much preferred hanging out with him than the girls in the neighborhood. But something changed during our friendship as I matured a bit, I got attracted to him.

I never questioned my sexuality before the age of 11, I never even thought of it. It's only now, looking back, that I see my confusion over who I was and why I felt both male and female. It's an aspie thing! Specifically a female aspie thing.

My friend as a child was pretty, I would say. He had a beautiful face, soft, with big lips. I was attracted to that, and from there on that has stuck. I've never been attracted to manly guys, at any age. They had to have some kind of femininity about them that really stuck out. Physically and otherwise.

It's only recently that I have stumbled across an article explaining some of this to me and feeling OH so happy to have read it!

• Autistic girls have more masculine brains
  

Growing up I explored being a lesbian for a very short while. I was confused at that time, always wanting to be male I figured I should be into girls. I was not even a teenager yet. But I knew after a while that it wasn't working for me. It felt strange, and wrong to me. So when I began having feelings for my pretty male friend I realized that I was a girl, who felt a bit like a boy, but was attracted to boys.. certain boys..

I've had a hard time finding romantic partners throughout my life, as I am sure many aspies do. I have often said to friends and family I am a gay guy trapped in a girls body. That was what made sense to me the most. Since I was only attracted to pretty boys, who were usually gay!

That was unfortunate... I could never have them, so I was stuck. I had to try to change who I was attracted to *hah hah*. But I could only pretend for a short while, if at all! Physical looks are one thing, but personality and who the person is is another thing. They must go hand in hand together. A slightly feminine physical appearance, maybe even androgynous, with a slightly feminine personality, but they are male.

I have no attraction to females, ever. And I definitely am not attracted to manly men, at ALL. If I try and think of being physical with a manly man I may actually start to feel sick. And what do I consider a manly man? Well...short hair, or a bald head, into sports, baseball caps, a manly face that is not at all pretty, into fishing/hunting/wrestling/making their muscles as big as they can get, etc.! My type of man will love gardening, and painting, will have long hair and a pretty face, will be able to cry without feeling less of a man for doing so and the list goes on....

I am mostly without a partner, and that is ok. I am quite asexual most of the time, unless someone catches my eye and that is rare. I delve into fantasy within my own mind, or books/movies. I live elsewhere a lot of the time, getting all my needs and wants fulfilled in a fantasy.

There comes a time, every now and then, maybe once a year! when I may actually want to delve into a relationship. For an aspie that is hard on it's own, but having such importance's for psychical appearance and personality well, it just makes it even harder. I am unable to change what I am attracted to, so I will be single for the most part. My type of man barely exists. He exists in my fantasy worlds, and in books, more than here in reality.

I have realized that getting desperate and lowering my standards extremely is just not a good thing! It is pointless. But I also do crave companionship sometimes. So this has been a hard subject for me, and most likely tons of other aspies out there.

I am in my 30's now and still feel exactly like I did as a child, just less confused. I know I am female but also feel like a man as well, and I know I am attracted to men, just very specific types of men... But I've also battled with my outward appearance as I often dress very much like a boy. It's a battle for me because dressing like a boy feels more comfortable, but I will be perceived as a lesbian in most cases, lessening my chances of finding a boyfriend.

I prefer having short hair, which I sported for a few years, yet never once had a guy interested in me at that time.

It's a battle but one that I don't care about most of the time, just when I am in the mood to find a boyfriend, which I said is rare.

To any aspies reading this, it is honestly easier to just be yourself, and to not try to change who you are. Don't try to change your likes and dislikes to try and make your life easier either, you will fail. You are who you are! And acceptance will set you free. Dress however you want to dress regardless of who you will or will not attract. And that goes for just being yourself, your true self. Honestly I am done battling with myself over so many things, sooooo many things... I want to be free of it, and just be me.