I wonder what people think of me?
I have had a lot of time recently, being under and un employed that I have wondered what people think of me, see me as, etc. Not that I care totally what people think of me, I am not gonna say I don't care some, but I just don't. I have taken an inventory of what I know for what people have told me.
The therapist I was forced to see when my doctor thought I was looking for attention, when in reality I was sick with fibromylagia, told me how did I like being a free-spirit? I didn't know quite she meant at the time, but now I am starting to see why she called me that....I am one. The American Heritage dictionary describes a free-spirit as:n. One who is not restrained, as by convention or obligation; a nonconformist. That is very much a good think to be called, I think. I don't necessarily see the World the way that I am told to, I take what you think into consideration and if I don't agree, I do my own thing. I am not stupid here and do something that I know or am told could hurt or kill me. I had a teacher in high school called Mrs.Bates that told me that I reminded her of a butterfly, she even gave me as a birthday present, a little purple stainglassed butterfly. I am definitely sure people think highly of me.
When my father died, the pastor that went with my sister and I to the funeral home to identify him before he was cremated, led me to a hallway after it was over and he held both my shoulders and told me, that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Most people that are older than you couldn't do what you just did. What I just did was, I walked right into where he was laid out and I touched him and I talked to him while the pastor talked to me about death. This was a pastor that knew my Dad, my Grandfather and my Grandmother, so I felt very comfortable with him. I guess in part he said that was because my sister just couldn't go in, she looked from outside the room, and sat down and said that was our Dad. My sister just couldn't do it and it was okay that she couldn't but I just wanted him to know I was there.
When my sister, my Dad, and I were on hard times, my sister and I used to walk around at night a lot, just for fun. It might not have been completely safe, but hey we were a having fun. We sat on the steps of a church and found this cell phone laying there. Most people could have just kept it, used it up, and dropped, but my sister and I spent hours tracking this man down at a local hotel. He said there aren't many honest people like that on this planet.
I have been called highly intelligent, articulate, extremely funny, sweet (one of the biggest terms I am called), that I would be a heartbreaker someday, stubborn beyond belief, well-read, too cute not to have a boyfriend, a good person, huge heart...not to blow my horn, but I could go on. I have now gotten to this point in my life that expect for my sister, I don't get those external compliments anymore. I still try to give those to other people though. It has gotten to this point, that people in this country, for the most part are out for themselves. I honestly think I was just born of another era. Maybe it was more, that I was raised by a Mom born in the 30s and a Dad born in the 40s and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I think that point I want to make is, people want to hear good things about themselves, but I know at the end of the day you have to worry about what you think of yourself.
I think I am a smart, funny, goofy, girl next door, that is stubborn beyond belief, loves to learn anything put in front of me, caring of people, animals and how they feel, I don't give myself enough credit for my gifts and talents, and one day I will make a man a great wife and have a couple great kids that will think I am a great Mom. And....I am a extremely strong woman. I am not drop dead bombshell, but you know what, I am sure as hell not ugly. I could go on about what I think of me too, but I think at 33 I am starting to get how great I am :)
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