If only ??..... How many times have I said these two little words ....

If only ??.... What if ??

 

In Memory of 'My granddaughter Jenna',  20 weeks R.I.P.

Our Angel ..She has gone,  we can't bring her back .. cancer has claimed another beautiful and innocent life and we live with all the unanswered questions, questions which will never have answers because simply there are none....

But ..... we all play the 'if only' and 'what if' game....

Self torture ? .. I think so .... perhaps a sense of undefined guilt ??

 How many times in your life have you said those two little words, how many times have you said them in exasperation, perhaps because you have recognised an error in something you have done and just become thoroughly frustrated... or perhaps you have said those same two little words in regret, if only ,if only .. well I have said those two little words many more times than I can count in my life time, sometimes they have been said in frustration because things in my life have not gone to plan or perhaps because I did not make a plan at all and recently I have said those two little words with  a mixture of regret, guilt, sorrow and pain. If only I had seen something, If only I had been more aware, if only I had been less trusting, If only I had followed my instincts and if only I hadnt listened to reassurances from others that all was well. If only I could have made it better .. If only it hadnt happened to us

The 'if only' game just never ends ....

Something else I have realised,.. 'If only' does not live alone in my vocabulary.. it's partner 'What if ' has often dropped into my thoughts to become a partner in crime to 'if only' .. What if I had noticed something earlier, what if she had been treated earlier, what if the doctors hadn't tried her on this drug instead of that, what if, what if,  endless what if's .... In quiet moments these words appear dancing lightly on the surface of my mind, they catch me unaware most of the time and send me into a spiral of doubt, self blame, guilt and memories, the tears fall almost as if they have a mind of their own and the futility of this game of words does not seem to  deter me from playing. Logically I know she has gone, that I cannot bring her back, that I could not have done more , or that I could not have tried harder, logically i know that she will now only ever live on with us in memories and mentally I tell myself  there is no point in playing the 'if only' game, but.. in those quiet moments when a thought fleetingly slips by,  it is often preceded by 'if only', closely followed by 'what if '..

I never really gave much thought to the power of words though I have always loved words, I have loved story telling with my children and grandchildren, I have loved the sheer strength of words, the emotive power they bring with them when used to describe a poignant scene or a happy memory, words that evoke strength of character and describe that character, words that bring happiness and joy, but now the sad fact is I am left with 'If only' and 'what if'... these I think will haunt me for a very long time. I tell my children we cannot live our lives based on 'if only' and what if', I tell them to move on, don't look back, learn from the past and grow, be strong. Don't look back I say, its pointless, nothing is changed by retrospect thinking .. don't go down the path of 'if' only and 'what if', .. its a backwards snap shot of something which will never have the chance to happen now , a past that has been left behind .. So if I have such infinte wisdom that I impart this advice to my dearly loved children .. why oh why do I live each and every day with IF ONLY and WHAT IF .....

Again I question, is it ..

Self torture ? .. I think so .... is it perhaps a sense of undefined guilt ??.. I don't know ..

ceecee (c)

7 comments

True Cures profile image

True Cures 5 years ago from Payette Idaho

I'm sorry for your loss CEECEE. I was working on my own hubs when I clicked on the Hub Hopping button and it took me right to this hub.

Your comment....

"Our Angel ..She has gone, we can't bring her back .. cancer has claimed another beautiful and innocent life and we live with all the unanswered questions, QUESTIONS WHICH WILL NEVER HAVE ANSWERS BECAUSE SIMPLY THERE ARE NONE...."

is the very reason I still put up a fight against my better judgment.

Every question you have, has answers, there just isn't anyone promoting or pitching the answers other than myself. The answers people want are not profitable and as such are extremely difficult to share making people like yourself believe that the answers do not exist when they do.

Cancer is a business caused by a pathogen and as a pathogen it is easily cured but no one has found a way to make curing cancer pathogen as profitable as treating cancer, all of which is explained in my many articles here and elsewhere on the net.

I have a standing challenge for someone to explain how curing diseases would be profitable. Readers be careful, you only believe cures would or should be profitable but there is no possible way for curing cancer to be profitable so please be careful if you wish to attempt to suggest that cures would be profitable and that there are people truly seeking to cure cancer other than myself.

You will see anger, frustration and disdain in my articles and hubs not because I want to be angry but because I cannot force myself to give up the fight against corruption in the medical field. I have tried to retire but when I bump into someone on the street who has psoriasis or eczema all over their face making an otherwise attractive person look like a skin sloughing monster I can't help but tell them how to eliminate the disease even if I know they are going to look at me like I am crazy.

To hear of a child dying from what is referred to as cancer is the extreme and the reason I call people cowards and mindless consumers. It's too late to save Jenna but it is not too late to answer your questions and save the hundreds of children dying each week of cancer so greedy corrupt adults can make themselves filthy rich. I can abide by that and I post this comment knowing full well it is going to be painful but your pain is only a drop compared to the pain I have lived with for 17 years knowing medicine and science ignore cures that would have saved Jenna and the thousands like her.

Delete this if you do not want the answers to your questions and if you do want the answers sign this petition and promote it.

http://www.change.org/petitions/will-medicine-and-...

Without this petition being successful there will never be a cure for cancer or the business of cancer.


Geolina profile image

Geolina 5 years ago

I am truly sorry for your loss!


sisterofdummy profile image

sisterofdummy 5 years ago

I am sorry.


pitzele profile image

pitzele 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

I am so,so sorry for your loss. You know, sometimes my older kids complain that I am too soft on my younger ones (the oldest is sixteen years older than the youngest), but your questions are actually at the center of my thinking when I react. Several years ago, I had seen a story about a family who lost a child to cancer and the one thing that hit me very powerfully was that the parents had given this child anything he asked for (of course, within safety). The parents said that they did that because they didn't want to have regrets later. I understand that, and feel for you, and so I always hesitate before reacting because I wonder - What if? Do I spoil my younger children in a way that I didn't do for my older children? Definitely. But I do not want to wonder if G-d forbid some crazy, random, terrible thing happened. I don't know if this helps at all with your pain, but perhaps your hub can help others to not have as many questions or as much guilt. May you be comforted from your loss and have the strength to continue your life.


ceeceecross 5 years ago

Thankyou so much, again I am amazed that someone from somewhere takes the time to say what is in their heart in the hope it will help a soul in pain .. Your random act of kindness has gladdened my heart..


True Cures profile image

True Cures 5 years ago from Payette Idaho

I'm sorry but it looks like people would rather be part of the problem instead of the solution. It seems people would rather justify cancer and the premature deaths related to it leaving unanswered questions. "Surely, It's God's will" could just as easily apply to "surely it was God's will that Jim became a child serial killer" as if God did not give us free agency to make choices.

If you put faith in a medical industry that exist solely for profit you are putting faith in Mammon to say the least.

If you choose to remain ignorant on what cancer really is, you choose to put your life and your family and friends lives at risk. That isn't God's will. God's will is for you to but truth before pride and Mammon.

Cancer is a pathogen. Cancer cells are not made by our temples/bodies they are invaders and as invaders they are easily destroyed. Because of mammon there is no way to share this information because the common person and society would rather sit on their haunches and justify their loved ones and children dying so the common person does not have to admit they are foolish and serving Mammon instead of God.

To admit cancer is curable is to admit you have been duped. Pride is common factor in every disease related death. Those telling us cancer cannot be cured are doing so out of greed but pride is preventing the consumers from seeing through the greed.

DISCLAIMER- 99.9% of all so-called cures or mentioned cures for cancer are generated for profit/mammon and as fraudulent as your Oncologist. You can't find the truth about cancer in mainstream science, western medicine or alternative medicine. The truth about cancer will not be available mainstream and you guys can count yourselves lucky you have found these comments.

Save your children and grandchildren by not justifying their deaths. Oncologist are not in charge or their health, they are soldiers for Mammon and there is no way anyone can pawn their health off on another when we are supposedly created in God image and supposedly created with everything we need. Free agency to seek the answers or seek justification for not seeking the answers.


ceeceecross profile image

ceeceecross 5 years ago from Adelaide Author

Everyone has the right to express themselves regardless of whether we agree or not , it is a pleasure to read some comments and a struggle with others but that doesnt negate the authors right to have their say

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