Question Your Thoughts to Improve Your Quality of Life

Introduction to Byron Katie

Way back in 1986, Byron Katie was overweight, depressed, filled with rage, and so fearful she slept with a gun under her pillow. Her kids avoided her, and when she checked into a house for women with eating disorders the other residents there avoided her too. She felt so worthless she slept on the floor rather than in the bed.

Nowadays thousands of people flock to see Katie every year and many thousands more download the free worksheets from her website, worksheets that contain the same questions Katie asks workshop participants.

So what happened to create this change? Some call it “spontaneous awakening” or “instant enlightenment.” What Katie usually says is, “I’m just someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t.”

What hurt was believing her thoughts, and not believing them meant her suffering disappeared. Very shortly after Katie realized this, people began to come to her for help. Her help, then as now, involved asking the questions that gradually evolved into the process known as The Work of Byron Katie. Taking time to deeply contemplate and answer these questions brings relief from issues and leads to inner quiet.

Source

Loving What Is

I came across The Work several years ago, when I saw Katie’s first book, Loving What Is, in a bookstore. I had read and heard many times that the key to happiness was exactly that: loving whatever was in your life in any given moment. I tried to be kind and forgiving, and I tried to make myself think positive thoughts, but trying to be positive felt like such hard work.

A process called The Work might not seem the obvious choice for someone wanting to do less work, but for me the benefits were instant, and strong enough to want to keep going. They have also been lasting and incremental.

We’re all pretty good at judging others: it’s easier to see what we don’t like in others than it is to see it in ourselves. But what you dislike in someone else is what you reject or disapprove of in yourself. Most of us know this already, but we don’t know what to do about it. We feel guilty and try to stop ourselves, effectively censoring our own thoughts. But saying we shouldn’t have these thoughts doesn’t stop them.

In The Work, instead of trying to stop yourself having nasty thoughts or to make yourself be kind, you start by allowing exactly what you think and feel.

Katie explains how to fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet

Write it down

However this is not an invitation to rant at the person with whom you are upset, but to write it down. Instead of using our judgments to punish others or ourselves, Katie suggests that we use those stressful thoughts to facilitate our growth and compassion.

Some people don’t like the idea of seeing their worst thoughts on paper, but thoughts have far less power there than they do rattling around in your mind. Once you have done the process you can rip the paper up, but it’s not so easy to rip up your mind!

Katie’s worksheets are known as the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheets. These are an invitation for you to write about who you feel angry or upset with and why, and then to inquire into those judgments. As the name implies, you judge your neighbor. (Or your husband, wife, mother, father, child or long-dead great aunt.)

Sometimes just filling out the worksheet brings a huge sense of relief as you see that what you were so wound up about a minute ago isn’t true. Other times you may still feel certain it is true. Either way, going through the process of asking The Work’s four questions will bring benefits.

The four questions of "The Work"

Question One: “Is it true?”

Frequently, this question brings the mind to a standstill. Busy thoughts fade away and the stressful feelings ease as you realize it isn’t true.

Sometimes however the answer will be yes, in which case you go on to:

Question Two: “Can you absolutely know it’s true?”

Asking this second question will very often lead you to see that no, you can’t absolutely know that a belief is true. (It’s not necessary to force yourself to try to stop believing a thought. Even if the answer is yes, you can go on to the next question.)

Question Three: "How do you react when you think this thought?"

When answering this question, the more honest you can be the greater reward you will see. Notice how it feels inside to believe the thought. Notice what you think it means about you and the other person, notice how you treat them and yourself.

Question Four: "Who would you be without the thought?"

This is an invitation to look deeply inside in a meditative way and see what life would be like without the thought. It often brings up both general responses such as: Calmer, peaceful and more specific responses such as, “I’d like them more without that thought.”

Inquiry: He shouldn’t shout at the kids

Source

An Example of an Inquiry using The Work

To make the process clearer I will give as an example a woman who is tired after looking after two young children all day. She hears her husband shout at their two young children within minutes of arriving home from work. (This is not a direct example from my own life, but an amalgamation of thoughts and reactions that either I have had or others have expressed, and as you read it you will get most from this if you find a similar example from your own life.)

The woman thinks, He shouldn’t shout at the kids.

Is it true?

Yes, she thinks.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?” (Here you can add, “Can I absolutely know that it would be best for me and for them if he didn’t?”)

Now, she realizes that she can’t be absolutely 100% sure it’s true.


Be aware:

It can feel painful to notice that when we believe someone shouldn’t do something we are doing the same thing, but The Work is not about punishing yourself for your reactions. Its purpose is to assist us in gaining self-awareness by observing how believing a thought affects us.

As you go through the process, as best you can, be kind to yourself as you notice your reactions.

How do you react when you think this thought?

She notices that when she believes this she feels angry and has “shouting” thoughts about him in her mind, and that a few minutes later she is either arguing with him or with the kids.


Very often, even after we see our reactions, our minds try to justify our beliefs. For this I find a supplementary question very helpful:

What are you afraid would happen if you drop the thought?

Notice all the scary scenarios your mind throws up. In this example the mother might notice fear that if she drops the thought she is condoning his shouting and that this makes her a bad mother.

Source

Who would you be without the thought?

What would it be like for that mother to hear her husband shout and not think he shouldn’t do it? She might remember that his father is ill and he is worried, and that his boss just presented him with several new responsibilities. She would suggest he take time for a rest before he sees the kids, and she might ask if he had a hard day at work.

And she may notice that without the thought she feels more loving towards her husband and her kids.

She then does:

The Turnarounds

Turnaround One is to the opposite.

Staying with our example the mother writes:

He should shout at the kids.

She then finds at least three reasons why this is true that feel genuine to her. Here’s what she could write:

1) Because that is reality (at least as I see it, perhaps he doesn’t think he has shouted.)

2) Because when he rang earlier, I told him the kids were acting up. Perhaps he thinks he is supporting me. Perhaps he thinks I told him because I wanted him to reprimand them.

3) Because doing this inquiry has helped me to see how I contributed to the situation. So now I can talk about this with him and find ways to support each other that feel good.

Turnaround Two is to yourself:

I shouldn’t shout at the kids.

Pitfalls to be aware of when using "The Work."

If you find yourself feeling worse after doing an inquiry instead of better it is most likely because you have used the turnarounds to beat yourself. That is not their purpose; the purpose of the turnarounds is to help you know yourself better and to create balance.

Do not be tempted to go straight to the turnarounds without answering the questions first. This is almost guaranteed to keep you feeling unhappy. On Katie’s website she writes that the questions probe deep into the mind, beyond the intellect. Turning the thought around without first going through the process keeps it intellectual.

For more on how to use The Work effectively and how to avoid the pitfalls, I recommend Carol Skolnick’s blog Soul Surgery. (See the links section.) Carol is a certified facilitator of The Work, and writes extremely well about the process.

1) Because it upsets me when I do.

2) Because I enjoy when people talk calmly to others so I’d like to be an example of that.

3) Because it’s not effective. They react to my shouting, not to my words and so they don’t learn what I’d like them to.

4) Because I enjoy closeness with my kids and when I shout we lose that.

5) Because I lose contact with the intuitive part of me that knows what to do. I feel lost when I shout at my kids.

Turnaround Three

I shouldn’t shout at me.

1) When I shout at myself in my mind, I feel unhappy.

2) When I do this, and think I should get things right, then I feel bad and tell my husband what the kids have done.

3) Because when I’m busy scolding myself there’s not space in my mind for creative solutions.

Notice that in the turnarounds the mother does not find reasons to judge or defend herself. Instead she looks at the consequences of each.

See the work in action

The Work of Byron Katie is available on Amazon

Useful Links

Bryon Katie’s Website:

The Work of Byron Katie, where you can find:

The Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

Katie's Blog: BryonKatie.com

Carol’ Skolnick’s blog is Soul Surgery

You can read more about how using The Work has affected my experience a parent at my blog inquiring parent

An article on The Work by Ricardo Hidalgo, LMHC, and Anil Coumar, MBBS, MA:

“The Work” of Byron Katie: A New Psychotherapy?

Walk a mile in another’s shoes.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Walk a mile in another’s shoes.” The Work is a way to make that possible. It helps us see that underneath we are all the same.

Katie has worked with long-term prisoners, and has facilitated meetings of Israeli and Arab people and of Rwandan Tutsis and Hutus.

The process of The Work is now used by many therapist and psychologists, and has similarities to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but there are significant differences, one being that you do not try to replace the stressful thought with a more positive one. Instead as you go through the process the stressful thoughts dissolve. Although you do turnaround the original thought, it is not with the aim of believing another stressful thought – but with the aim of uncovering and releasing any thought that might keep you from loving what is.

This is hard to grasp with the rational mind, because we tend to think that if we don’t believe thoughts such as, “The world is an unfair place,” or, “My child shouldn’t be so ill,” or “People should be kinder to each other,” that we won’t be motivated to act for change.

My experience has been that when I hold on to stressful thoughts I rarely see the change I want, and when I question or release these thoughts I am able to see new ways of responding that I didn’t before.

Be Aware:

The Work should never be forced on anyone, and if you are under the care of a mental health professional, please consult your practitioner before attempting it.

Who Can do The Work?

Anyone can do The Work, from a child aged 5 and up. Some people will take to it more readily than others. If you already keep a journal of thoughts and feelings you will probably find it suits you. If on other hand you’re not so keen on writing in this way, there are other effective processes which can improve emotional well-being , and I will be covering some of those in future articles in this series.

For more on improving emotional well-being and quality of life, check out my articles on:

More by this Author


59 comments

iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

I really enjoyed this hub which could be very useful to me. The words "knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t.” are strong! Voted up!


Crystal Tatum profile image

Crystal Tatum 4 years ago from Georgia

The notion that we create our own realilty, and by extension, our own suffering, in many cases, is not easy to accept, but it's the truth. This is a very practical way of examining our belief system and changing it so that we can suffer less. Good hub. Voted up.


kimh039 profile image

kimh039 4 years ago

OMG, Melovy. This hub is beyond exceptional; well written and well presented. I hadn't heard of Byron Katie; thank you for "introducing" me to her. Voted up and awesome.


Sunnie Day 4 years ago

This was such an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing and I will share this as well and tweet! :) It is something we all can use in our lives. Thank you for sharing this insightful person with us.

Sunnie


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

Awesomely written hub, I'm generating a hub response to this hub, simply amazing is your skills for writing, and I commend you on doing such a great job with it all.

I agree with you on consulting a professional in the field first before experimenting with things, because I tried it once and things didn't work out to well, balance is key to it all. The mind is truly a terrible thing to waste people say.

I feel bad about those people whom are dependent on drugs, alcohol, and many other harmful addictions and their minds are totally screwed up in many ways, and so many of them are far from this sort of help that 'The Work' can provide them, but to no avail your hub has scored with me, for those of us whom are much more stable in life, and just need a little tweaking on the normality side of things.

I loved the part of your hub that addresses the turn around thing the most though, I use to do such a thing many years back, but I figured a way out of the self feedback loop of sorts. Voted up, and sharing outside of hubpages for sure.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi audraleigh,

I am so pleased you found this useful. It has certainly been useful to me, so I am glad to pass it on! Thanks for your comment and vote up!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Crystal Tatum,

Yes, it is by examining our beliefs that we begin to release them and to see change in our lives and relationships. Thanks very much for your kind comment and vote up.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Kim039,

I am so glad you enjoyed this, and thank you for your very kind comment and vote up.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Sunnie Day,

I am so pleased you found this and inspiration. I certainly find Katie inspiring too, and I agree that her process is something we could all use. Thanks so much for your kind comment and for sharing!


ALUR profile image

ALUR 4 years ago from USA

excellent insight. To a woman that struggles with finding balance and often submerges herself in a private decay of thoughts, it's very hard to see a light ahead for guidance. Once I started to write and vocalize my pangs, I found it easier to cope and understand that our own mind can create a fallacy of the truths around us. While I honor my emotions, I must maintain separation from my EGO and get to the truth.

You're welcome to follow and read my hubs as well:)


sandrabusby profile image

sandrabusby 4 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

I, too, found The Work by Bryon Katie so inspiring. I will check out her website and the blog you mentioned. Thanks you for sharing. Sandra Busby


miakouna profile image

miakouna 4 years ago

Well written hub. Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading it.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi CloudExplorer,

Thanks very much for your long and thoughtful comment. It is sad that for some people drugs or drink become their only way of escaping the painful thoughts. So many of use are controlled by our thoughts, and yet feel resistant to processes that can help break that hold. How fortunate we are when we begin to see through this and realise that we can have a better life when we face our fears.

How lovely it is to read that you found a way out!

Thank you also for sharing the hub.


Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

What incredible insight into the ways we torture ourselves! I have not heard of this writer before, but I will look for her books. I like the idea of questioning ourselves about the truth of what we impose on our minds. Thanks for bringing this person to our attention!

Voted up, useful and awesome!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Fascinating stuff here my friend and you presented it flawlessly. I have never heard of this woman but I will now take a look at her work. Thank you for this hub and for just being you.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland

Melovy, you really know what you're talking about! You did your research and you presented it in a beautiful format. I have never heard of Bryon Katie before but now I will look further into her web site. I think you may have just introduced me to what I need in my life at this point.


TKs view profile image

TKs view 4 years ago from The Middle Path

Very important topic, Melovy. In my own travels I've discovered that no matter how righteous my perspective may be, if I focus on that which I don't want, I only make it stronger. Also, I've begun working more with substance than structure. Meaning, I empower my thoughts about what "qualities" I want in my life and not put as much energy into the "form" I want those qualities to appear or look. This relieves a lot of my judgement which would otherwise distract me from seeing that often times what I want is already in my life.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

HI Alur,

What you write is so true, our minds can so easily create a fallacy of the reality around us. We filter through our own beliefs systems. It can be challenging to accept that when we first realise it, but that acceptance is where freedom is.

Your comment about the ego is interesting, and there is a lot written about how we need to fight it. But can you actually find an ego? I’d say that what people term the ego is simply our reactions to beliefs and more I give love to what I used to reject, the less there is internal struggle (and less external struggle ). Thank you so much for bringing this up because thinking about it has been very helpful for me!

I will check out your hubs.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi sandrabusby,

I am glad you feel inspired to look more into The Work, and thank you for your comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Miakouna, thank you.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Marcy,

Yes, indeed, we torture ourselves, and so needlessly. What I’ve noticed most since I began to seriously question many of my stressful beliefs and judgements is that meaningful change is far more likely to happen when I let go of those judgements.

So glad you found this useful, and thanks for your comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

HI Bill,

I’m sure you will enjoy learning more of Katie; I know that many people from 12-step programs also use this process so I think they go well together. Thanks very much for your kind comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Ardie,

Good to see you here! I read your very bravely written OCD hub, and I think you would find this a benefit. It has been such a blessing in my life. Thanks very much for your kind comment.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

HI TKs view,

Glad to see you here. I so agree that focusing on what I don’t want makes it stronger - if my kids fight and I think they must stop it, then next thing that happens is I am trying to assert my will over theirs, which is of course what they were doing.

I really like your idea of focusing on the qualities you want in your life. Thanks so much for that, it’s given me lots of food for thought.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Everyone

Thank you all so much for your comments. I was not sure if I would be able to convey the huge benefits and blessing I feel The Work has given me, and I have felt so awed reading all the comments.


kelleyward 4 years ago

I have read several of her books and really benefit from her approach. Is it true can you absolutely know that it's true has really stuck with me. Thanks for sharing voted up and useful!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Kelley,

Good to know you also feel the benefit of the approach! Thanks very much for your comment and for sharing.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Melovy! I think this is spectacular! I never heard about this lady but - amazing! AND you just made me think of a terrific hub idea!! Thank YOU so much!

Up and everything!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi RealHousewife,

I had a feeling you would enjoy this and I’m glad I was right, and that it has inspired you for write a hub! Thanks so much for your comment.


Carol Skolnick, clearlifesolutions.com 4 years ago

I'm a Certified Facilitator of The Work and I have happily shared this page on my Facebook page Clear Life Solutions). It is one of the best-written articles about The Work of Byron Katie that I have ever seen, anywhere. Well done!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Carol,

Thank you so much for reading my article and for your comment. I am so glad you like it, and thanks for sharing it! I have enjoyed reading your blog for a number of years and found it very illuminating.


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 4 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

a great hub about improving one's life but questioning one's action is difficult to master and this also requires healthy role modeling...


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi raciniwa,

Thank you for your comment. I may be misunderstanding you, but if it seems I am saying that you should question your action and change how you behave that is not so. I agree that to do that is difficult and can at times feel overwhelming!

In The Work we question beliefs or thoughts about your own or others’ actions and as the mind comes to understand and forgive itself the stressful thoughts that drive us drop away and the action naturally changes. It doesn’t usually happen overnight, but it is incremental. In a way I agree that it is challenging and can feel ‘difficult’ - but to be honest, for me it is far less difficult than to go on believing the old thoughts that led to my stress.

Thanks again for your comment and please come back again if you have any questions!


seotechnology profile image

seotechnology 4 years ago from India

This is so true. I appreciate your efforts in writing a heart touching hub.


Gerg profile image

Gerg 4 years ago from California

I've read and put Byron Katie's work into my life in the past couple of years and found this process of quiet, deliberate questioning to be calming, re-centering and quite effective. You've done an incredible job capturing the essence of the wisdom conveyed in her books and seminars, Melovy. Great job!

G


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

I figure not share this awesome hub once again with the community here, since they have the cool new hupages followers button now and all, plus this hub was sensationally well written & has a deep self help and healing message as well.

Once again Melovy awesome job! on this genuinely useful, and informative hub, I'll be sharing it on facebook as well, this hubs deserves more light shined upon it for sure & I wasn't on the Facebook groups back when I first read it as well, more hub love headed your way.


vox vocis profile image

vox vocis 4 years ago

I've never heard of Byron Katie, but you got me interested in her work. You are absolutely right about the common human tendency to judge people; I believe that's the most important lesson we have to learn - not to judge people! Great job with the turnarounds - they sure make you think twice before you react!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

seotechnology, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for your comment.


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

Sorry for the missing words up above, the sentence should start out like this Melovy, "I figured, why not I share this awesome hub once again............", yikes I'm not sure where all the other words wen't, my bad.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Gerg,

Thank you for your very kind comment. Your experience with the inquiry of the Work sounds similar to mine. It's such a blessing in my life that I am glad to share it with others.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

CloudExplorer, thanks for coming back and explaining, and thanks for your previous comment! I got the gist of it even if you missed a word! And of course thanks so much for sharing it. The Work, as you say, is a very healing process and I love to share what works for me.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi Vox vocis,

I'm so glad you feel interested in Byron Katie's work after reading this. It is such a powerful process. I do inquiry pretty much every day and it has made a huge difference in my life. Actually when I say I do it every day, what's probably truer is that it has just become a way of life. Occasionally I still get caught up in stories, but it gets harder to do that the more you do the Work. The great thing about it is you don't have to try to stop judgements, that just naturally begins to happen.

Thanks very much for your comment.


vox vocis profile image

vox vocis 4 years ago

I'm sure life is easier when you do the Work. Normally, when people realize what their mistakes are, they stop making them. The same thing with judgements, I guess.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

vos vocis, I think you are sometimes right about people stopping making mistakes and judgements when they realise them but other times people judge themselves for their mistakes and judgements - which only makes it worse! (I know this from experience as I used to do it.)


vox vocis profile image

vox vocis 4 years ago

Join the club! I still do it sometimes (sigh) I think reading this hub is really valuable if you want to stop doing exactly that - judge yourself and others!


g-girl11 profile image

g-girl11 4 years ago

I've read Byron Katie's work but I have to say, I never quite "got it". I never really felt those questions helped me. Your hub gave me a lot more insight, and it was great seeing a video of her in action. Great hub.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

vox vocis, I think there are very few people who don't sometimes judge themselves, and change begins with awareness. I wish you well on your journey and I'm glad this has been useful for you!


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Hi g-girl11,

I am so glad to read that you gained some insight from reading this hub and seeing the video. There are lots more videos on youtube.

Thanks very much for your comment.


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 4 years ago

I so enjoyed meeting this lady. It is easy to see why you have a high hub score. You writing is enlightening, whilst easy to understand...... You put so much work into your hubs......


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

Joy56, have you met Byron Katie in person? I went to an event of hers, and found it very helpful but didn't actually meet her to talk to.

Thank you for your kind comment about my hubs, I do try to write them thoroughly so that they can be of benefit.


answers-questions profile image

answers-questions 4 years ago

Hi Melovy,

I didn't know that it was possible to improve that quality of my life.

Let's go I will read several of her books and will see the benefit from her approach. Hope that it will work :)

Best regards, Atyq


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK Author

answers-questions, certainly it's possible to improve quality of life. I hope you enjoy the books and feel confident you will feel the benefits!

Thanks for your comment,


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 3 years ago from london

Well thought out Hub and nicely presented. Good that you are a fan and can share here.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 3 years ago from UK Author

manatitia, thanks for your kind comment.


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 3 years ago from london

De Nada. No hay de que.

My pleasure. Don't mention it.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 19 months ago from South Carolina

Hi Melovy,

I have read, "Loving What Is," and have watched videos such as the ones you put in this hub.

I think you did a great job of explaining how the 4 questions work and what the purpose of the questions are.

Voted up across the board except for funny, and shared.

Hope all is well with you and your family.

Gail


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 19 months ago from Houston, Texas

This is the first that I have heard of Byron Katie. It sounds as though she not only turned her life around but is now helping countless others. Thanks for the introduction via your well written hub.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 19 months ago from UK Author

Hi Gail, great to hear from you! We are fine yes, and hope you are well too.

Thanks for your comment and glad to read you also benefit from the Work.

You might be interested in a new project I instigated earlier this year - 1000 Voices Speak For Compassion. We’re actually well over 1000 now and people write about compassion on the 20th of each month and we do a massive link-up. If you’re interested let me know and I’ll give you details.


Melovy profile image

Melovy 19 months ago from UK Author

Peggy, yes, she has helped countless others turn their lives around. It is a very helpful process. Thanks for your comment!

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