In Her Voice~~a poem
My Girl and Her Love
Each of our lives is filled with uncertainty and challenges often beyond our comprehension.
And I truly believe that how we process what comes and what we do to LIVE with what may come will allow whatever comes to overtake our lives and destroy us. Or, it will give us new vision, new strength, new capacity to understand.
And we learn to live our lives as they should be lived.
This poem is written by me now as I watch my beautiful daughter fight her greatest battle to date. I feel her pain and uncertainty, but know of her faith and hope and belief that each day is so very precious. I dedicate this to her....To Stephanie, my precious girl child.
Daddy and the Boys with Stephanie
Sharing Happy Moments with Her Cousin (who is on the left)
I am afraid now
When my eyes close
I am uncertain if they will open again.
It has invaded every part of me now
And it is trying to choke the very life from me
Some of the pleasures that once brought me joy
No longer do.
A lovely meal, prepared with love my family or
Even one I have prepared
No longer nourishes my now ravaged body.
Those amazing desserts that once made me giddy
As I sat down to enjoy them
Bring no pleasure.
The lemon pie, tiny lemon cookies dusted with the finest powdery sugar
That tantalizing aroma of lemon fills my nostrils still
But the flavors no longer beckon me to take a taste.
O, and, lemonade...made with freshly squeezed Meyer lemons and
Way too much crystalline sugar
Once trickled down to my tummy
Making my taste buds smile along the way
No longer a delight.
No--- no longer does food bring me the comfort it once did.
When I can eat, it is no longer pleasant and
The tiny bit I do manage to get down
Stays within only a short time.
Delectable foods, once the focal point of gatherings,
Not so now.
Time with my loved ones brings me the most joy...and I am thankful for that.
Every moment is a treasure.
Isn't it funny that I should even think
Of such mundane things now??
Those who know me often say
"O You look so good. You must be better."
They want me to be well .. (And O how I wish I were....
I only smile at their words, not letting them know the truth.)
Do not let the appearance of another trick you
Cancer is deceitful....
It has no particular look...
Observe those in your midst...unless they are undergoing chemo or radiation,
you cannot pick out the ones who have it.
Please do not be mislead
I am fearful now
Saying that out loud
Is somehow freeing
What haunts me
Causes me to face off with it
And move on.
Even though I am fearful
I KNOW I am blessed
My fight is not over.
My family is here
My precious son, born 20 years ago
Who is the best brother to his four year old brother
That anyone could ever hope for
This firstborn son brings joy to my life
Every minute of every day.
He steps up to the plate on a daily basis
And sometimes, in the night, when I have had an especially bad night
He awakens when his little brother awakens
Taking little brother to his room
He places him in his bed
And my eldest sleeps in his recliner beside him.
Whatever I need during the day, while Daddy is at work
My son steps in and gets it done.
Baby doll boy (who no longer wants the label ‘baby’)
Makes my heart sing ....
Watching him learn and grow and play and experience
Makes my heart know that no matter what
For this moment, all is right in the world.
To see him with his big brother
Playing a game, nestled up beside me
Gives me more pleasure than it is possible to describe.
My Love came to me
And he walks this walk with me.
He has made this gut-wrenching journey with me
UP one mountain, and Down another
Over and Over, time and again.
Here to love and support me
to be father to the boys
To help me find happiness when it would elude me.
Did I say blessed??
My Love is an amazing blessing to my life.
I am afraid now though.
My days are slipping by too quickly.
Too many of them are spent away
While medical science looks for a way ...
As the whispers come in the night
The fears, the uncertainty
Sleep eludes me.
And then the new day arrives.
And I say,
Thank you, God, for one more day.
Prayers Angels Positive Energy pour
Into me each day
From many that I know
And from many that I have never met and
Will never meet on this plane.
Miracles? Did I mention those?
Yes, miracles for my now 20 year old son who was told
He would never reach many of the early milestone
And he has, he lives....thank you, God.
And miracles for me have come. Over and over.
So many times in the early years of this 12 year struggle
I was told:
You really should not be here, you know. It is nothing short of a miracle. There is no way to explain it except as a miracle.
And that endeared those precious doctors to me even more.
And to become a Mom. Again.
It will not happen.
If it does, you will not live through it and neither will the unborn child.
Another miracle. He lives --the miracle who brings new joy to us each day....
As we relearn how to live through his new eyes.
I am afraid now.
Time slips away now.
But make no mistake about it.
I do not live in that dark place.
Each day when I awaken
And the new days begins
I have these precious moments to revel in
NO matter what comes
I have these minutes to focus on LIVING.
That has been the pledge my Momma and I took
When I first found out how sick I was
We pledged to live each day...Not to miss
One single moment of any day
No matter what comes.
My Momma...she knows how much I love her...
She does know.
So now the end may be near
(Do we ever really know when that
time may come??)
And I do not want to miss all of the
‘firsts’ my boys will have
I am blessed.
I have them to love now
And that makes it worth rising each day
To begin anew.
Some days are more difficult than others
Put one foot in front of the other
Stay focused on living and loving
And what may come will come.
Did I say ‘blessed’?
Without a doubt.
Blessed and bubbling over with love beyond compare.
Little Man ....
My Bigboyman Grandson ...."Okay, Padi, Really???"
A Mother's Prayer
Thank you, for my child, Dear Lord
I am so blessed. You gave her to me almost 43 years ago.
She brings so much joy to my life...through her life
And through the precious baby boys who make my life overflow with the essence of love and living each day my life is so enriched..
We are so blessed.
And now she walks into the most difficult part of her journey.
Guide and inspire and direct her medical care givers, Dear Lord, and
Keep pain and fear from her heart.
Thank you Thank you for all of the lovely people who reach out to you on her behalf. Thank you thank you thank you for your love and strength and grace each day. Thank you for all of the miracles you have given us....and another would be welcome any time.
We are so blessed. We ask all of these blessings in thy name.
So Difficult to Choose
A vast array of music awaits us
Contemporary Christian music to our old favorite hymns...each one can be our song of praise to Him. This one is one of my favorites for this particular article it best describes how humbled and loved we feel in the presence of our Lord.
More Miracles on the Way
Each day that we awaken and find a new day waiting is another chance to wrap ourselves up in the joy of living.
No guarantees come that the new day will be given to us.
When it does, we embrace it and get on with the living.
Are more miracles on the way for my girl ? We just will wait and see but in the meanwhile our lives will be filled with all of the wonders that this new day offers.
© 2015 Patricia Scott
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