Insanity: Mind Explosion
At this point I feel like I am going insane, all I can do is write to numb the pain. Forget about the explosions that are going on in my mind. I love him, there is nothing that can stifle this feeling. I adore him, I need him. I feel lost without him, the pain is unbearable. How can I feel this way? Feeling numb without my love, twisted faded and overcome with emotion. I can't do this anymore, maybe I should just cut contact with him and never speak to him again. Is that even possible? How can I get through my days if I don't speak to him?
I went to see him the other day, it was amazing. Like something out of a fairytale. I always thought I knew what love was. I always thought I had experienced that blissful feeling that you get when you are truly in love. In fact the feelings I have felt in the past were just feelings of infatuation. Nothing more and nothing less, this is real love. I think about though, and I wonder, how can I be in love with a married man? How can I feel so intensely for someone who actually walked down the aisle with someone else when he knew I loved him. I know he loves me, I know he wishes he could rewind time and just be with me. it's too late now, they have kids. They have a family and the whole thing is just way to complicated.
I can't think straight, I don't know what to do. My rational and logical side just tells me to leave him alone. Then my emotional side just tells me to keep going, keep loving him, keep seeing him and just keep hope alive that one day we can be together. I don't want to end up like that girl who just never really experienced true love, and when I say that I mean the girl who never experienced it in it's purest form. I want to be able to tell the world how much I care for and love him. The other day when we were walking through the streets hugging each other and holding hands it was so amazing I can't even describe it. The way he looked at me, the way he touched me, the way he kissed my hand whenever he had the opportunity. The way he looked out for me, made me feel safe. I can't get enough of him, I can't get enough of his everything. I need him.
I lie awake at night, wondering when I am going to see him again. Wondering when I am going to get the chance to hold him again. I just don't know when that is going to happen. I just don't know when I am ever going to get the chance to spend time with him like I did the other day. It was glorious. I just don't know what to do.
I always wonder what other people would do if they were in my shoes. I feel like I am being tortured. How can I have so much love inside of me but I can't express it the way I want to? I can't shout it from the rooftops? I want to show the world that he is the man I want, that he is the man I need. That is true love, how can this be love when it feels so good, but then feels so bad at the same time? How can this be true love when he is married to someone else? How can this be true love if we can't tell the world how we feel about each other? How can this be true love if he is there and I am here? Is this really true love, sometimes I think about it and I realise that maybe, this is just lust. I don't think so though. I need my love, when he is absent I'm numb, inebriated until I'm dumb.
I love him.
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