Internal Death

It is "one of those days". Thoughts of helplessness and loneliness haunt me. I long to have a conversation with my love, my companion; my wife. I cannot because she died. I feel lost and lonely. I call people I love and feel no satisfaction. I talk to God and hear no answers. The tears come; drowning me in confusion.

But Life Still Goes On.

My Help

It is days like these that I have to be "on guard". The stress level is so high that "getting high" seems it could be an answer. Drugs are a substance that was laid to the side sometime back. Why do my thoughts drift that way?

I left the other day to try to find my way. I felt on unfamiliar territory as I entered the eating establishment where Jonda and I would go have breakfast often. I felt a longing like no other as I watched couples mingling as I sat alone eating the eggs and ham that was put in front of me. Food tastes bland and the air is heavy. Two tears run down my cheek as the waitress asks if there is anything else. I want to say, " sit down and just talk with me" but instead I nod no and get up to pay the bill.

I am lost. I long for a companion. Is a bottle of Jim Beam the answer?

The confusion sets in again. I have managed to create my own hell and I am knee deep in the hot coals.

I feel a need for companionship, but I fear my heart being broke again. Does death haunt me? I think it does.

I am jealous of the people who have someone to love, someone to hug and someone to talk with. But jealousy is a sin and I should not be; but I am.

Some have told me to "get out" and "have fun", but where, with who? How?

I dearly want to tell all these problems to Jonda, she would have a common sense answer, but I cannot.; so I write them here.

Will it help? Will tomorrow come and will yesterday leave?

At this time I am a robot; I go to work, I watch my Grandson and I sleep-so on and so forth. My sanity is at an edge it has never been before. I would hate to think where I would be if I had no belief in God.

All I can do is hope. Hope and pray that I am doing it right. Hope and pray I can survive without a companion, without the love I have been so accustomed too, without the hugs and kisses and looks of adoration.

Please mighty God help me through.

Please

I know many of you "worry" about me, please don't.

God will get me through. I just have to write at times to get it off. Writing is my drug of choice.

I will survive and if I don't I will be with my longtime companion, so I win either way.

Jonda, if you can hear or see this, just know you were my all-in-all, and I miss you dearly. I am lost without you and all the talks we had about being in this spot, well it's not how we thought. I am a lost puppy and I don't know where to go. I wish you could come home.

Well back to my prison cell now-It's lock-down.

© 2011 Greg Boudonck

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Comments 10 comments

Kimberly 5 years ago

My heart aches for you Greg, I wish there was a way that I could take your pain away. I think you are stronger than you think because instead of hiding in a dark ally somewhere you come here and write to us and for us.

I pray you do not take the crooked path in your time of weakness. You will not find hope in the bottle. You have come so far and you need to keep your eye on the prize.....though we walk amongst darkness that surrounds us we are not in the darkness and Father promised us eternal life if we walk with Him. Not only that He never said it would be easy. It is time to mail you a gift of love. Keep your eyes on the mailbox.

With Love Eternally

Kim


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

This deserves a response, but no words are adequate. I have nothing left to add, other than I'm glad you had the guts to write this down.


Froggy213 profile image

Froggy213 5 years ago from On A Mountain In Puerto Rico Author

Thanks guys--just got a big hug from my daughter-guess she read it.


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 5 years ago

Froggy, write it out... Write it all out. Get it out of your system and when those eyes well up with tears again write some more but do not give up... Never give up.


Froggy213 profile image

Froggy213 5 years ago from On A Mountain In Puerto Rico Author

Thank you Qudsia--I won't


fred allen profile image

fred allen 5 years ago from Myrtle Beach SC

Warrior of God- Your grace in sufferring is an inspiration to all who read your words. The enemy comes against you time and time again with his viscious attack and still you stand. He pierces your heart and yet it continues to beat with love for God. You have shown us that no weapon formed against us will prosper. There is a power that few are ever called upon to display that shines in your life. There is a glory that flows like living water in your sufferring. You honor her memory as you stand tall. Honor is a forgotten word today. You have reminded us all of what it truly means.

There is a story I think I shared with you before. I'm reminded of it now.

A little girl was sent by her mother on an errand. She took too long to complete it so when she returned her mother demanded an explanation. The little girl told her mother that as she was returning home she saw one of her little friends crying because she had broken her doll. "Oh" said the mother, "So you stopped to help her fix her doll?" "Oh no" said the little girl, "I stopped to help her cry"

None of us came here to fix your doll, none of us could.

We've come to help you cry.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

A heart tugging hub. I wish you great strength so that you will continue to walk down the right road. You know that you can do it. I always say that there are something that we cannot shange and some people will never be strung up so that the whole world can see what they have done. The only way to get the better of these people is to survive and be happy in your own life. That is the sweetest revenge of all and a triumph for you. Take care.


FaithDream profile image

FaithDream 5 years ago from (Midwest) USA

Grief, the unexplainable pain of life. There's no getting around it, there is no escaping it. We trudge through it, barely getting by, but hope we must.

Writing is healing that's for sure. Your faith will carry you.


Jay 4 years ago

GOD I KNW WIL SEE U THROUGH,we might cry al day long,but dt hope we want il come in d morning,i'v felt the way u r feeling now,bt am healing now and i knw u il heal too


Jay 4 years ago

Something in me tels me to tel u what helped me through my pain then,coz now am similin at lyf again i want u to smile again too,first of all start praying to God nonstop to forgive u of all your past sins,knowingly n unknowingly,back it up wit pslm 32,say these prayer always after which u listen to inspirational gospel music of ur choice,praisin n telling God,that he's ur best friend,he understands u best,dt he is ever merciful,that he should show u mercy because u know that ur joy is so very near.whnever u are alone keep urslf company with any gospel music n heal from the lyrics. It wont be easy my dear,but with time u will see the effect....and don't forget to constantly talk to God,concerning every issue as u would to ur very bestfriend.i tell u,he understands all!

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    Froggy213 profile image

    Greg Boudonck (Froggy213)898 Followers
    485 Articles

    In 2007, Greg's 23 month old Grandson was killed. At that point, he found a need to write about his family, crime, and local issues.



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