The Iron Gym: A Pull Up Bar That Reveals the Answers to the Greatest Mysteries of the Universe

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The Iron Gym: Hey, It's 3:10 a.m., Let's Do Some Pull-ups!

We've all been there.

We've all done it.

My first time it was Chuck Norris' Total Gym. Two in the morning, four in the morning, somewhere in that vicinity.

There I was, lying on the couch and flipping through the channels sideways when suddenly the Texas Ranger and some beautiful blond chick appear before me, sliding up and down on some sultry exercise machine by the pool, looking all gorgeous, buff, vibrant, sweaty . . . superior, and I slowly, albeit suspiciously, released my thumb from the "channel up" button.

Not totally convinced yet that I wanted the Total Gym infomercial to be the one to deliver me to neverland on that hot August evening, I continued to hold the remote in my hand, arm outstretched towards the television, palm up as if praying to the great god Informatus (the Greek God of infomercials) to please please please lift my life from the slumber and doldrums of samehood and regular schmuckhood and deliver me to the land of of rock-hard abs, Hollywood Hills terra cotta mansions, and 5-star, white glove service.

And to do it for one or two small payments of $19.95. Plus shipping and handling.

One time, Informatus, one time.

How Does One Pack Total Enlightenment? Carefully.

How do I know? Because when I packed up the Total Gym approximately 3 weeks later to return it to Chuck's factory out in the tool shed in the back of his house by the pool (at least that's where I gathered the factory to be from viewing the infomercial), I made sure to pack it carefully so as not to damage the goods and jeopardize my full refund (minus shipping and handling, of course).

What was it about the Total Gym that was incapable of motivating me enough to even really give it an honest go?

Well, sometimes it's the little things. In this particular case, I just felt silly, plain and simple, sliding up and down on that thing.

Even when no one was around and I was all alone, sliding up and down on that Total Gym, I felt silly. In fact, I even felt a little dirty. Especially when I was doing it alone.

Behold one of the myriad benefits of a Catholic upbringing.

Do you have an TV infomercial regret story? Feel free to leave it in the comment section below. And, I just have to say, I hope you didn't buy the Shake Weight. Or the Snuggie, please not the Snuggie!

Iron Gym Total Body Workout

Eh, I Thought We Were Going to Talk About the Iron Gym?

Okay, so fast-forward to about five years, a Wonder Wok, a Topsy-Turvy Garden Tiller, a book and DVD set from a 21 year-old Internet ad-placing prodigy, and a couple of Slap Chops later, I returned full circle to the fitnessmercial. Fifth time is the charm, right?

It looked so simple, I thought, this Iron Gym. I liked that. It didn't promise much, this Iron Gym, it just simply enabled you to do a handful of exercises. I liked that. It could be mine for two easy payments of $19.95, plus shipping and handling. Mikey likey.

And, last but not least, I was in a full-blown, up all night, pre-dawn hallucinatory, sleep-deprived haze that induced delusions of grandeur which left me no choice but to order this simple fitness machine that was obviously going to launch me into super-stardom status.

Girl. Car. Money. I can't wait until my Iron Gym arrives!

Home Fitness Nirvana

When I arrived home from work on that Tuesday evening to see the Iron Gym box by my door, I didn't wonder, like I had in the past when I saw the boxes for the Slap-Chop, the Internet Ad Kid Millionaire Maker Thing, and the Wonder Wok, whether the UPS guy chuckled to himself when putting down the boxes, as he snickered, "Another sucker. One born every minute."

Instead, I felt fired up, and couldn't wait to get inside and tear the box open to begin my new life. And I also felt almost guilty at the pang of envy the UPS guy must have felt when dropping off the box and thinking to himself, "Another winner, I wish I could pull the trigger on this thing, I don't know what's stopping me. This guy is awesome."

I ripped open the box, dumped out the contents, and what did I see? Five pieces, four nuts, and four bolts. I can do this.

And so I did.

It took about 4 minutes. I had to dig deep, but eventually I got those 13 parts all together, screwed in, and tightened up. From here, I didn't even need the directions . . . I just brought my Iron Gym over to the doorway, slid the safety clip into the door moulding, and stuck that Iron Gym in my doorway. No screwing it in, no adjustments. The Iron Gym is secured in place through an invisible force called leverage. Science, or magic? Tomato, tomaato.

I took a few steps back, observing, admiring, and I swear a soft, warm glow began to emanate from my new exercise machine. I thought about the Wonder Wok and Slap Chops of yore, and realized how much older, wiser, and more mature I had grown since those reckless days of my youth. Only two things to do now: (1) Grab that exercise machine with both hands, and (2) get huge.

Powerful Foods

These Foods Are Packed With Great Stuff and Are Must Adds to Your Diet and Exercise Regimen

  • Almonds - almonds lower LDL (bad) cholesterol, are packed with Vitamin E (an antioxidant), Manganese and Potassium, and add a nice serving of protein to your protein shakes.
  • Flax Seeds- flax seeds contain lignans and other antioxidants, omega 3 fatty acids (help control both inflammation and cholesterol levels), lots of fiber and natural protein. Infants should not eat flax seeds.
  • Bananas - bananas are loaded with potassium, which is needed for muscle recovery, and are also very high in fiber and iron.
  • Salmon - salmon is loaded with healthy omega 3 fatty acids and is also very high in protein, Vitamin D, and Tryptophan, which has been shown to better both moods (important for working out) and sleeping habits.

 

Take Me to the Bridge

The great thing about the Iron Gym, in my opinion, is that they don't oversell it to you like they do with practically every other product that is sold on TV. Inevitably, with those other products, you are always let down, feel a bit cheated -- shoddy workmanship, a function that doesn't work quite right from the beginning.

Not so with the Iron Gym -- it is exactly what they tell you it is, and you are able to do with it exactly what they tell you you can do with it. It is pure, simple, wholesome, and true. In fact, it may be the key to unlocking the mysteries of the universe. Or it may be just a few pieces of metal, foam and plastic cleverly put together to create a useful machine. That all depends on your perspective. Tomato, tomaato.

The Iron Gym is a great chin up bar, a great pull up bar, and a great aid to doing wide-grip and deep push ups. As far as a machine for doing dips, it really is not that useful unless you are in the very beginning stages of getting into shape, because the dip it allows you to do is simply not very deep.

Also, the ab straps are not included, but come as a mail-in offer with the Iron Gym and you have to pay shipping and handling. I never ordered them -- I didn't want my Iron Gym experience to be tarnished by some cheesy ab gimmick that didn't do anything.

Other than that, my only recommendation is to take a paper towel, rip it in two, fold each in half twice, and then stick each folded half where the foam on the Iron Gym meets the moulding of your door. Otherwise, the pressure created from using the Iron Gym will wear the black foam into your door molding.

That's it, it's that simple. And that's what I like about it -- no excuses. Just grab it and get to work. And always remember, it's true what they say, no pain, no gain -- don't be friends with your Iron Gym, attack it!

Be sure to reward yourself and your muscles with a delicious whey protein shake after your workout and a vitamin-packed fruit and vegetable smoothie for breakfast.

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