Breast Implants...Has it All Gone Pear Shaped!?

All that meat! Enough to feed the world's poor.

Dolly:  At least she keeps them puppies under wraps.
Dolly: At least she keeps them puppies under wraps.
Brazilian Sheila Hersey.  World's largest, a 38 kkk, life put in danger by infection after another augmentation
Brazilian Sheila Hersey. World's largest, a 38 kkk, life put in danger by infection after another augmentation
Britain" Katy Price (Jordan) at one of her weddings
Britain" Katy Price (Jordan) at one of her weddings

I want Big, Brassy, in your face BOOBS!!

Well, they all thought their prayers had been answered. Legions of flat-chested women would now be able to look like their favorite celebs - Dolly Parton, or Jordan maybe. No longer would they need to wear padded bras or stuff their underwear with hubby’s football socks. OK, they could no longer see their belly-buttons, much less their feet, but it was all worth it, to fulfill their life-long ambitions and have…BIG TITS!

Sadly, it seems no one has told these misguided dames that men - real men, that is - don’t have large breasts uppermost on their minds, but bottoms…cheeks: they are the part of the female that is the turn on in mammals, (I mean, look at Baboons: hanging drugs, but prominent red bums!) Of course, some women did realize this and the cosmetic clinics do have ways of padding the derriere, too.

But for the majority, they wanted to have those parts they can show off, sensual mounds, with a décolletage plunging down towards happy valley. And a plethora of clinics answered their call inserting “falsies” under the skin of flaccid breasts.

There’s nothing new about augmenting women’s breasts. The operations were first attempted in the late 19th. Century. Experiments included the use of glass balls, ground rubber…even ox-cartilage (silly moos!). There are no statistics available on the failure or death rate from carrying some of this stuff around in the body…but I bet it was quite high.

Implants were original conceived as prostheses for women losing a breast, or breasts, due to a medical emergency such as post-mastectomy after cancer, or severe trauma after an accident.

But today - and for some years - the main concern has been vanity or perhaps in the use of male-to-female transsexual operations.

The first silicone breast prostheses first appeared in the USA in 1961 and procedures using these implants have been moderately successful (although nearly all implants will need changing about every ten years say experts).

There are two types of implant available today. A third - (“composite implants”) have now been banned. This is hardly surprising when you read they included soy oil, polypropylene and even string among the list of stuffing ingredients used!

The implants causing the ongoing furor in Europe at the moment are the “PIP” prostheses. Pip is for “Poly Implant Prosthesis,” a French company.

These implants use silicon gel, an industry standard, but shocking evidence came to light after an unusual number of women began to come into clinics reporting leakage from the devices. (Must have been embarrassing if they were being passionately squeezed at the time…”Honey, your left tit’s disappearing!”)

It transpired that the PIP company had been using an inferior, industrial grade of silicon gel in their implants that was normally used in the stuffing of mattresses! Well!

They should have been using medical grade silicon gel and had decided - we assume - to cut costs by using the cheaper product.

Mind you, the company protests that it stopped the use of industrial grade gel in 2001 and that most women would probably have had these implants replaced by now.

That may be so but the complaints are still flooding in with those who have a current problem and others who fear for the future of their magnificent boobs.

Pip has sold 300,000 of their devices globally - 40,000 in tit-happy Britain alone! Estimates of 5% failure rate or more is reported by some chroniclers, which by my shaky math is the possibility of around 15000 failures. This represents a lot of money to the vultures gathering, such as lawyers, (can’t you just see the ads now, “Boobs leaking, sagging, for a free fix call Bad Boobs Branson”) and to the clinics who may have to make them good; but to more than all of them, a huge problem to the UK’s National Health Service, which may end up with hundreds of repair jobs as women from all over Europe bring their tattered dreams for Daddy NHS to fix.

Britain’s health minister, Andrew Lansley, has tried to pour oil onto troubled gel and has said the claims for 5% failure was exaggerated and the true figure will probably shake down to 1% or less. He also said the NHS would operate where applicable and, we understand, replace the faulty implants. (I can just see some suspiciously well- endowed politician’s wives snarling “If you don’t get this sorted, you can forget every New Year’s Night fun in the future!”).

I know we shouldn’t laugh. But if it was men’s cocks suffering, I can just hear the ribald laughter from the ladies! And, yes, I believe we can get them augmented now…yours truly was lucky enough not to need it.

What does startle me, though, is the number of women with quite lovely breasts who want them enlarged…madness.

I will accept photos from female hubbers who would solicit my opinion on the architecture of their breasts…quite free of charge.

(Only kidding HP editors, get a life willya!)

 


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Comments 30 comments

Jools99 profile image

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Bob, this hub may get loads of responses I think, it is very interesting to get a man's take on things. This whole PiP thing must be very scary for the women going through it and I think people like Jordan who has gone up,up, up in size and has more recently had a couple of reductions (it would have been easier to put a bloody escape valve on her boobs)should count herself lucky she isn't affected - hers were done (and redone...and redone) so she got more 'work'. Incredible to think of the garbage they made these things with in the name of profit and I feel sorry for the ladies affected. Interesting hub (as always!)


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Jools...you didn't then...? What a good idea, a pump, set the size and pressure to suit your mood. Top notch for those fiery young studs, a little softer for old pops. Men can get pumps that do that, more or less. We also have an implant to give us permanent erections! Where you put the bloody thing in the supermarket, god knows; in with a couple of cucumbers maybe.

Happy Easter dear x


cathylynn99 profile image

cathylynn99 4 years ago from northeastern US

hi, bob,

even the "good" kind of silicon implant was reported to be associated with an increased incidence of autoimmune disorders.

yup, be careful what you do to yourself.

happy colored egg day!


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 4 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Great fun, Bob ... I have never understood why anyone wants monster mammaries. As an F cup I can tell you the damn things just look like a builder's bum. My rear end similarly does not augmentation - just a few collops cut off.

There is one thing that gets on my unenhanced lady bumps however and it is that we, the ordinary mortals of Britain, will pay, via the NHS, to get these hideously vain women out of their predicament.

Why it seems unfair is that they paid to get into this situation, they should take out a bank loan and get it put right. No-one else should have to pay for their vanity - women who need reconstruction after cancer surgery are obviously not included in this. They should have all the help they can get.

One thing that strikes me is that men have to pay to get Viagra, (which I believe is quite expensive), when their testosterone levels drop and they have ... er ... stiffness ... problems. Yet that seems like a much more worthy thing for the NHS to subsidise as this condition can have severe effects on the mental wellbeing of men. Not because they can't have sex so much as what that represents to them ... i.e. getting old, failing health and approaching death. Many men must suffer terrible depression over such a thing.

Instead we subsidise vanity over mental health ... nuts... (so to speak!)


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Cathylynne. I will keep it in pristine condition in case - one happy day - you come my way...Bob

PS Happy pink bonnets to you!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Angie. Great comment, and now I know you much better (ahem).

I agree re viagra, etc., I am of the age where a little help would not be looked down upon, so to speak. I have tried them and they do work and they are expensive...

As I don't have a significant other, if you'll excuse that rather nasty sobriquet, I don't bother.

Happy Easter to you and leave those lovely pompis alone (Sp.)

Bob


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

Just the headline had me doing a beeline being a breast and thigh man. I prefer my melons on the natural side of life though. They're out there too!

The Frog


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Frog Prince. North Americans are more into (onto?) large boobs than most other nations; Brits too I suppose. Latins will have their eyes on the rear end.

As for me,if we're talking physical attributes, it's bum, legs, mouth, eyes, hair, carriage then tits...in fact I can take 'em or leave them as long as they are not completely flat. I do like big nipples thouugh!

Bob


NiaG profile image

NiaG 4 years ago from Louisville, KY

Good read. I would never dream of getting a boob job. Not that I probably couldn't use it but in my field of work (not mammography) I see a few boobies here and there and I can always tell when an 80 year old woman has had a boob job back in her heyday. Grant it I don't know what kind an 80 year old would have, perhaps technology has gotten a lot better to where they look natural until the day they die, but from what I have seen they look like horrible dried up rocks as they age. So what's the point? Just to have a few good voluptuous years and then let everything go kapoot? No thanks.


KatrineDalMonte 4 years ago

Hi Bob, laughing all the way!

First of all, I will not be sending you my pic, so sorry to disappoint you, LOL!

I have my own very simple (blunt) opinion on this subject.

Beauty of a women is not in her 'assets'.

It comes from within.

So I take it what one doesn't have 'within' wants to show on the 'outside' instead.

I'm so happy to belong to the 1st group.

Take care and thanks for the fun hub :-)


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Thanks for warming comment, Kat...no pic? I can't handle the disappointment.

Seriously, though. There IS exterior beauty as well, but what comes from inside is more important for sure.

I wrote this as it was an ideal vessel for humor!

Bob


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Nia: You don't lack very much!

Bob


NiaG profile image

NiaG 4 years ago from Louisville, KY

Haha! Thanks Diogenes.


Little Nell profile image

Little Nell 4 years ago from Somerset, UK

Oh, lord. Dried up rocks on an eighty year old woman? Since I read this I have been trying to get the image out of my head. It is sad that so many young girls seem to think having a "boob-job" is normal and natural, like the current other horrid fashions for being sprayed Tango orange and wearing so much mascara their eyes look like burnt holes in a blanket. They look ghastly enough when they are young, bet they never give a moments thought to how they will look when they are eighty.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 4 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Gaaaads ~ I'm in the wrong place! I had "my girls" reduced. They just looked out of place on my small 5'2" frame. However Dolly hasn't done too bad now has she?

Funny hub Bob!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Little Nell...Yes! Walking horrors, and the "wasps" (plasic surgery)

Women should realize we like to see the map of their lives on their faces.

Bob


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Vocal coach. How modest! No, Dolly had them reduced! Gawd knows what she had proudly pointing out before.

I love Dolly, what a character.

How about a 'fore and after pic?

No? I thought not!

Bob


Nagatang profile image

Nagatang 4 years ago from Miri, Sarawak, Malaysia

I would look from head to toe...stopping on three specific location, cheek,hip and leg...only then the two boob. My choice? Definitely not that melon size, neither as flat where airplane could land, in between would be just nice.

Good reading diogenes and lough too.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Nagatang...do you think we could make implants from used tyres? Hahaha

Bob


Nagatang profile image

Nagatang 4 years ago from Miri, Sarawak, Malaysia

Ha ha ha...recycle used tyres for breast uplifting pad maybe, why not.(Make sure never tell your client it come from used tyres), just say it is made of natural rubber from Malaysia. Hei I keep this patent right too. ha..ha..Boob lifter pad named Boobtyre anybody?


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

"Get yours retreaded today!...use right-rubber from Nagatang Boobuilders!"

Ha

Bob


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Google has disabled the ads on this story!!!!

be warned, we're not dealing with very bright people.

Bob


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas

You must have had lots of fun writing this -- and especially hunting for just the right photos. ;) Yes, I read what you said about bums . . .

Voting you UP and Interesting . . .


biggerlannie profile image

biggerlannie 4 years ago

A fun article to read with. Having great huge breast isn't necessary. All that is needed is having a confidence on how she carry herself.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas

Apparently you are oblivious to the great demand that an awful lot of men if not the majority place on large bazoombas. For myself, I think if a man doesn't like me as is, there are millions of other women to choose from.

But a lot of women feel self conscious about their bodies due to media always telling us we're not good enough and men in general seconding that opinion, so they off they go to get tweaked and plumped here and there. No way would I have an invasive procedure to please a man -- I'd sooner get a new man! Cheaper and safer. ;)

Interesting opinion you have on boobies Bobby.

Haven't heard from you in so long wondered if you were dead! Glad you are alive and hope all is well.


justmesuzanne profile image

justmesuzanne 3 years ago from Texas

Actually, I don't think Dolly Parton has implants. She used to be much bigger overall, and I read a few years back that, when she decided to lose weight she also had a breast reduction! :)


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 3 years ago from Australia

You're a funny man! And made this a fun topic!

I think I'll leave mine as they are. I don't fancy carrying around a couple of plastic bags on my chest, the groceries are heavy enough to carry!


sweetie1 profile image

sweetie1 3 years ago from India

Hmm i really think in some cases they do enhance beauty of a lady but they are not worth for most girls and a normal girl who doesn't have to go cloth less in public ( meaning who is not in glamor world) shouldn't get them.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 2 years ago from North Texas

Men give women the opinion that large breasts are a prerequisite to intimacy and they hope for a serious relationship to follow. A little backwards and it seems weird to me to base a serious relationship on the size of a woman's breasts or on a man's penis, but clearly smarter people than I understand the reasoning on this.

I fail to 'get it' where looks and age are so important to so many people. Those things never stay the same, are always changing and that's guaranteed, so why bother with them? Why not concentrate on the things that are not likely to change? Intelligence, sense of humor, and compassion? They don't leak and cause endless physical misery and you already have them, or not, so no need to save up for them.

Haven't seen you here in a long time nor heard from you Bobby. Hope you are well and happy. xx


diogenes profile image

diogenes 16 months ago from UK and Mexico Author

I wuz ill last year and missed many comments...sorry

Bob

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