Legal and Illegal Ways to Stay Cool
Are you sorry for this girl?
You do not need me to tell you that summer has arrived. And how it has arrived with temperatures (where I live) in the triple-digits for days on end. That is hot, friends. Makes me wish for an early fall, but since I am not that powerful, I will just be content to keep the world on its axis and the universe running smoothly.
How do you stay cool? Most of you automatically said, "air conditoner," because I heard you through the screen. And you are wise for using the old reliable air conditioner to keep cool when you come inside from mowing grass, washing the car or playing 18-holes of golf. That would make anyone melt like a cheap grape popcicle.
But did you also know that being in an air conditioned home for long periods of time can lead to fainting or even a heat stroke when you do have to venture outside in the blazing sun. That is true. And the same principle applies to a heater in winter time. A deer hunter told me years ago that he didn't suffer from head colds in the winter for he balanced his time on the inside and outside and not giving his body a sudden shock when it changed from extreme hot to extreme cold. That made a world of sense to me. And I wasn't even a deer hunter.
Me? I like to keep cool the fun ways. Anyone can sit beside an air conditioner running wide-open and nap the day away, but I like to add the spice of adventure to my systems of staying cool. Plus when you add grandkids, neighbors and friends, you have yourself a "Summer Cool-Off Party," equipped with laughter, relaxation, exercise and some warm fellowship when someone inevitably whips-out their grill for some tasty burgers and hotdogs.
My point? Why just sit in a cool house when you can be cool outside and have fun in the process? Everyone likes fun. Good clean fun. So why not try out my "Legal and Illegal Ways to Keep Cool."
1) USE AN OLD-FASHIONED OSCILLATING FAN like the one in the photo to right. This is a 1919 Robins and Meyers oscillating fan that people who were "uptown" used in the old days when the sun bore down on them. How is this fun? Well how many people in 2012 do you know who use an oscillating fan? Talk about being "Mr. or Ms. Popular In The Neighborhood," this trusty device will elevate you from obscure to "somebody." I can just hear the popular kid in your neighborhood, "Tommy Steele," cry, "hey, let's go to Mr. Tumblestone's house! He has an outer space cooling device."
2) THE BATHTUB is more than a place to get clean. Shucks, just tell your wife and kids that you have some "private" mediating to do and sneak to the bathroom, turn on the cold water and sit in the cool tub while others are panting like over-worked hunting dogs. This can be turned into fun by simply yelling, "snake in the house!" and no sooner than the words leave your lips than you are all alone, by your lonesome staying cooler than a cucumber.
3) HAVE A SCAVENGER HUNT with neighborhood kids. Head to the nearest beach and give this crowd of teen's about $45.00 to start a diversion on the beach causing people who are sitting under those big beach umbrellas to run to see what the commotion is all about while you, the resourceful guy, takes his leisurely-time and sits under the beach umbrella of his choice. WARNING: The people who left in a scamper will come back, so when they do arrive and complain about you "hogging their umbrella," just look stupid and say, "soooo, this is yours? Uhhh, me sorry. I got lost." They should believe you. But if you do get arrested, just remember, police stations all have air conditioning.
4) BLOCK OF ICE attached to your bicycle. Stay cool and get in some needed-exercise too. Who else but you would think up such a novel way to stay cool by using a block of ice like they used in the 1930's and 40's? You will be the talk of the neighborhood when you whiz by on your bike with your butt sitting on this nice cool block of ice. Don't gloat too much as you pass your sweat-soaked neighbors or you might hurt their feelings.
5) BOAT RIDES are great to keep you cool. Some boat rides are free. Just make sure that the boat ride is for hours, not half hours. You want to be cool, not just slightly cool. Slip the boat owner an extra $20.00 to keep you out for an extra two hours. He will appreciate it and your friends will love you for it.
6) INDUSTRIAL FANS are the perfect way for staying cool when you are outside hosting a barbecue, playing tennis or croquet, or even practicing your putting. The cost of these fans may be a bit steep, but can you really put a price on your comfort? Why drown in your own sweat when you can own a sturdy industrial fan and be as cool as the other side of the pillow? This idea is one of my favorites. TIP: search Google for huge factories that are shutting-down and you could buy one of their industrial fans "for a song."
7) DARE THE KIDS NEXT DOOR to see if they can wet you with their lawn sprinkler. This will cool you off and give them some good fun too. Just say, "kids, I dare you to see if you can wet me with your flimsy lawn sprinkler," and then it's on. But you will have to "act" like you are failing and fall down in the cool, refreshing mist that the sprinkler is producing. Sure the kids will laugh their heads off at you, actually the entire block with laugh their heads off at you, but you will be the cool guy with a huge smile on his mug.
8) HAND FANS are very stylish, especially when a pretty lady uses one. But the women who used to use hand fans knew that the fan served two purposes: 1. it kept them cool in the summer and 2. it gave them that "mysterious" look that men love and soon they had themselves a husband. All because of a hand fan. Men can use hand fans too. If they are secure in their masculinity.
9) OUTSIDE SHOWERS are found near private camp grounds in some states. If you own some timberland, just get out the old McCullough chainsaw you keep in the utility room and whack down a few trees and look out, you now have a camping area all your own. The materials for an outside shower can be found at any Home Depot or Lowe's and what a thrill you and the family will have when you can camp and take cool showers outside with walls so no "peeping Tom's" can see you.
10) USE THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS again to have a huge water balloon fight. And again, you will have to "act" like you are lousy at this game. Let the kids pelt you with one delightful water balloon after another. Laugh and "beg for mercy." See how cool you can be? And how well-thought of you are to the neighborhood parents who adore you for taking care of their kids giving them some needed "me time."
11) DIVE OFF OF A WATERFALL that is not too high. I don't want you hurting yourself. Find a waterfall that you can handle and invite the wife and kids along to see how brave and a "he man like Charles Atlas" you are by daring the waterfall to "dance with you." It's bomb's away when you perform a perfect swan dive into the chilly water below, but what a rush that will cool you right off. And the wife will get a certain twinkle in her eye at seeing her husband of 35 years suddenly be strong and daring again just like the night when she fell in-love with you.
12) WATER GUNS and I don't mean those puny water squirts, but those new "Atomic Water Blasters," found at Walmart. You have to pump these puppies up to build the air pressure and soon, you will be dowsed with gallons of fresh, cool water to soothe your burning body. First you have to go to the same kids and say,"bet none of you can hit me with those water guns over there!" Then stand and sneer at them. What an afternoon of cool fun in July you will have. And no mess to clean up either.
Those are 12 "safe and mostly-legal ways," to stay cool.
Here are "Five Unsafe and Illegal Ways" to stay cool. (Hey, I have to be fair.)
1) SITTING BESIDE a busy interstate highway, on your behind, allowing the breezes caused by the massive amounts of vehicles whizzing by to keep you cool. Cops frown upon this one, my friend.
2) STANDING BEHIND aircraft with propellers at your local airport. This might keep you cool for a moment, but again, cops and the F.A.A. both frown on this one.
3.) WALKING BESIDE a busy railroad track and letting the air from freight trains keep you from having a heat stroke. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but see Tip No. 1, about how cops frown on this approach to staying cool.
4) DANCING ON YOUR ROOFTOP and actually "daring" God to send a rainstorm. NOTE: please do not do this. Being cool is one thing, but making God angry is another. Oh, He is truly merciful and may honor your "cooling-off dance," but in your rainstorm that you are dancing for, you could be given a bonus lightning bolt that takes you out of this life. Again, do not do this one.
I like having you around. Hot or cool.
5) RUNNING BEHIND city busses in Atlanta, Georgia; New York City or any big city and let the air from the bus hit you to stay cool. Let me tell you that in with the air is diesel fuel fumes and heat that will cause you to faint in temperatures that reach 100 +. Do not be stupid and try this one. Besides can you really stand to be arrested by merciless New York cops who also laugh at you and then toss you into a cell where "real" criminals who have heard of your exploit will also laugh their butts off at you.
That covers it, my friends. Hope you have all learned something about staying cool, both legal and illegal.
I am only looking out for you, friends. Oh excuse me while I take my mid-afternoon soak in my over-sized indoor pool that I had installed for, uhhh, my wife. Yeah, my wife. That's it. It is unfortunate that she is in town doing some shopping.
SPECIAL NOTICE: when summer and fall are over, I will publish a hub that I have locked-away somewhere that will tell you "The Easiest Ways to Stay Warm and Crispy in Winter Time," okay?
Don't be this guy
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