Living with a BPD husband

Day 1

I will start today as Day 1 of my blogging experience. A little bit of history. I am married to a borderline personality male. He was diagnosed a year and a half ago but only got into therapy a month ago. Not because he wasn't willing to go to therapy but because he had to wait that long to get into therapy. So needless to say the last year and half has been an emotional roller coaster full of ups and downs, more downs than ups. In fact now that I look back on our 12 years of marriage this diagnosis is really starting to make sense. It explains a lot of his behaviour that I couldn't quite understand. So now that I am trying to make sense of it, gathering information, talking to others who have it or are living with someone who does have it, I am hoping that I will be able to cope with it a little easier. So this blog will be all about my life with my BPD husband. I welcome any and all comments or suggestions or advise.

About 6 months ago I realised just how difficult living with my BPD mate can be. I found that he had been sending emails to another woman who he had met on facebook. The emails were very inappropriate, sexual, and shocking for me to read. They weren't hidden, in fact they were sitting very nicely in his inbox awaiting for me to find them on his facebook profile. And for those of you thinking in violated his privacy, he had asked me to go onto his facebook profile to do something in one of the facebook games that he was playing. So there it was in his inbox, all of her messages to him and his messages to her. Needless to say I was extremely hurt, confused, mad. When I confronted him about it all I got was a " I'm not worthy of being your husband, or being a father. I am not meant to be on this earth." Self pity more or less and that is when I started a little research on the BPD individual. It isn't uncommon for the BPD to have brief, turbulunt love affairs. They get a sort of instant relief from it. Although it is part of the personality disorder it is absolutely not accepted by me. So after a few weeks of not talking to him, trying to decide if I should stay with this man or leave him, I decided to stay and try to work things out. Of course he begged me not to leave at first, crying telling me how much he loved me and that he was stupid and he didn't know why he does the things he does and so on and so on and so on. Since then it has been an on and off again roller coaster of emotions. Just a month ago he said he didn't THINK he loved me anymore but that he would think about it and get back to me. "What the fu## is that" Then he decides two days later that he loves me so much he can't live without me. And I am supposed to be gratefull for this exclamation.

So three days ago I find out that he started chatting to this girl again that he was emailing 6 months ago and we start the dance all over again. He says He's trying to push me away because he is a burden on me and that my life would be so much better without him. I tell him this is the last straw and he has to make the decision to either be in the marriage or out of it. That I am trying to understand it, to deal with it and be supportive but that he can not treat me like I don't matter or that my feelings don't matter. I give him a day to think about it. He tells me yesterday he has decided to be in the marriage and no more bullshit. No more emailing other woman or online affairs and that he is going to work at his problem and get better. Of course this is what I want to hear but now I have a wall up. I believe in the sactity of marriage and that we should try to work through things so that is what I am doing. But how long do I put up with it before I say enough is enough. Anyone have any stories to share or advice to give?

Comments 17 comments

jeffreydonald profile image

jeffreydonald 6 years ago from Mississippi

Wow, sounds like my life. I am the BPD, and I also have NPD and PPD. I have not cheated on my wife, and don't plan to, but I am in turmoil at this point, and can understand how your husband feels with being a burden. This personality disorder has basically turned my life upside down at times. I can relate to all that he has gone through. My cheating came with wife number 1. I will gladly give you some insight. I am in treatment now, and have made up my mind that I am going to beat this thing, no matter what.

jeffreydonald


kikkibabe 5 years ago

Omg this sounds like me too, I feel like im not good enough for anyone and this frustrates me and my husband. I push people away before then push me away as i don't want the feeling of being abandoned. I have lost so many people over the years people don't understand me to be honest i still don't understand myself any more. I do feel for you and your always welcome to come talk to me. I know its hard for you and living with someone with BPD but try not to give up just yet. x


Willie Hinton 5 years ago

I have BPD, but was not diagnosed until recently, it was the major cause of unrest in my marriage, it destroyed communication between my wife and myself. I do not have some of the traitas but, I do have the ones that are killing my marriage. But I am doing something about it. I don't want my wife to suffer from this ailment, I already do...I am not going to let this defeat me. Thank you for this article


DEE 3 years ago

Oh no! This sounds sadly familiar. My husband and I have been married a little over two years. In total we have been together three and a half years. The eighteen months of courtship and the first year of marriage were like a dream. My husband was the perfect gentleman and extremely handsome to boot. Friends and family alike adored him. Well, this all abruptly changed a few months ago when he started complaining that he needed space because he was "going through some things." He suggested a 2-month separation. Of course I wasn't okay with that arrangement. Prior to his request for an extended separation, he began acting strangely. He would stay out all night and when I confronted him reply with, "It may be wrong but , since I feel like I should be able to hang out, I do it anyway." We went to the marriage counselor who conducted our premarital counseling sessions. She quickly observed that my husband was depressed and suggested he see his primary care physician for an antidepressant. He left the house stating that he was staying at a male friend's home to work on himself. A week elapsed and he refused to come home. I hired a private investigator who found that we was staying with a woman who lived an hour and a half away. I confronted him and he returned home....only to stay a month and then leave. That month was horrific. He made mean and hateful comments and told me that he wanted to return to his mistress. Then, when I would begin to pack his bags to facilitate his return to his mistress, he would become angry, refuse to leave and threaten suicide. At some point, he finally left the home and made his way back to "temporarily staying with the mistress until he can get [himself] together." He has since begged me to allow him to come home and professes that he has made a huge mistake. He laments that he can't stand on him own and that he living with the mistress on borrowed time; she wants him out as soon as he gets a place. Since I'm unsure of his motives, I'm uncomfortable with permitting him back home. I have researched men living with BPD and my husband seems to fit the profile. He, too, cheated on his first wife. Based on the horror stories I've read, I'm running for the hill never to look back.....


Eme 3 years ago

I wonder what you ended up doing about this marriage? I have been married to a man who was at first diagnosed with depression 14 years ago. Then 11 years ago that diagnosis was changed to Bipolar. By this time we had just had our 3rd child. A few months ago he was rediagnosed with BPD. It is terrible. We have 4 kids and he has been without a job for 5 months. I think I need to start a blog just to use as a form of therapy for myself. It is overwhelming to try to stay with him and yet I know I can't leave him. I used to be a very pleasant happy person. Now, after living with someone with BPD for so long, most of the time incorrectly diagnosed, I am left with a huge amount of resentment while trying to instill in my kids a positive outlook on life. I had no idea how horrible a mental illness was. All I can say is if you can get out of the marriage, you should just to protect yourself. Of course, this will shatter your spouse with BPD. Either way you are screwed!!


lemonpledge 3 years ago

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My husband is currently pushing me away by neglecting me emotionally and physically(I'm ill and depend on him for care at the moment). It is a cycle that has not ever totally ended. Things are better now than they were a year ago, but a lot of that had to do with me. I read Stop Walking On Eggshells, I went to some online communities like welcome to oz where there are support groups. I learned as much as I possibly could about the disorder so I could understand what motivated all the hurtful things he said and did to me. He is pushing me away now because things were going too well and that's overwhelming to him. Understanding that this and so many other behaviors are not about me at all, made a huge difference. Educate yourself, become an expert. Read everything you can. I'm more than happy to help you any way I can.


angela 3 years ago

I am freaking out right now reading all of this!! I have just read up on all of the borderline personality symptoms and my husband is EVERY SINGLE one of them to a T. Everything from self loathing to self mutilation, binging, purging and cheating. I know he loves me with all his heart, and tries to shelter me as long as possible, but he is unable to control himself for long. He is always accusing me of cheating, not loving him, I'm never there for him and don't love him. These are all false statements and hurt me soooo much because I have been through hell and back for him. On top of ALL of the problems I mentioned he is also a recent heroine addict and alcoholic which ALSO runs in his family. It is truly sad. When he is good and sober and in between his borderline episodes he is the most loving and generous person you have ever met. There has not been one day that has gone by that he hasn't told me he loved me and how beautiful I am. I tried to hold on to those good times for as long as I could, but the bad just outweighed the good by far. He starts treatment, but then stops. He self medicates himself and it only makes things worse. He feels better at the time, but then it last weeks the after affects from the drugs and alcohol mixed in with the BPD. He has frequently threatened suicide. He has been to more rehabs and psychiatric wards than I can count at this point. He has cheated on me with random woman, prostitutes, Craigs list woman and really just anyone that will listen to his sob story about how horrible his wife is. I can't take it anymore. I recently made the decision to get an order of protection against him for a domestic abuse that occurred that he was arrested for. He has already violated almost every order of the OP and also violated his bail bond. We go to court on the 20th of this month at which time I am sure he will be arrested. Oh, I forgot to mention that he drove with our daughter )2 1/2 years old under the influence, got into an accident and called a cab to get him and her, but first while waiting for the cab took more pills and drank alcohol before the cabbie got there. At which time he was passing in and out of consciousness in the cab and asking who the cab driver was and what city he picked him up from! The cab driver was very concerned and called the police to check on our baby and by then there were already 2 squads there for the domestic. I JUST CANT DO IT ANYMORE!! I believe in vows, I really do! But to what extent? He can never keep a job, he's not safe to be around the kids, he used drugs and alcohol and refuses to get help for more than 3 weeks!!! I need to be happy or just live a sane life for my kids and to be able to go to work each day. I am totally feeling guilty, yet also relieved that I made the decision to leave him. I do plan on getting a divorce asap. He really needs to be institutionalized. It's sad... he's only 33 and has every problem imaginable. He has already lost all rights to his 2 kids he has from his first marriage and now he is loosing his second family. I understand it's an illness, but at what point do you take SOME accountability for your actions and STOP blaming the people trying to help you???


Suzie 2 years ago

It's a shame that not everyone studied Psychology especially with those afflicted with emotional and mental issues. If we did, we would recognize the warning signs immediately and run in the opposite direction! I knew my suspected BPD soon-to-be-exhusband (not yet diagnosed but in therapy for the 5th time) for 30 years; dated on and off for 11 years; married for 5 years and my divorce will be finalized in 3 months. The key is to take care of yourself because you cannot and will not change their already dysfunctional beliefs...unless you are a trained therapist in Psychology or Psychiatry. I will be the first to admit that leaving is difficult but, if and when you do for your own sanity, go No Contact! I was fortunate as there was no physical abuse but lots of emotional abuse. Life is slowing returning to normal for me and I intend to "go forward" without looking back. It makes more sense to be able to have my own single life back than being tired doing his/her dirty work in a marriage....then getting "kicked in the teeth" whenever doing something nice for them...since they are takers rather than givers. Let them go!


Cindie Light 2 years ago

I had divorced one after 18 years (his came out even more radically on steroids) I married another..worse and ended it in 6 weeks. Expect he has horrible porn issues... hitting up sexual encounters on things like find a friend or craigslist...hitting up prostitutes. Dont buy his pathetic shit... he's with you and knows what he is doing and risking. You have to get courage to handle life for your kid .... often you might have abandonment issues..I was scared. You got to leave. No working this out. Its that simple. He doesn't want to..if he did he would have made it to where he came forth and you dont have to now be a psycho looking for each next thing he will do. In the end you will waste your time and life and regret your didn't blow it out now. Just go.


2 years ago

Exactly my sad life


Faye 2 years ago

Sounds exactly like me and my ex husband. I left after 5 years but seemed like an eternity. Just go with it until you can't any longer - you'll know when that is.


SurrealSurrender 2 years ago

I've been with my diagnosed BPD partner for 3 years. He is emotionally dysregulated several times a day and will literally go off instantly for the slightest thing. When he does I am treated with contempt and the scowl on his face and attitude are like acid being poured all over me. He is driven by lust and is a compulsive masturbator yet is very loyal and can't lie. The way he regulates himself is by picking his blemishes, masturbating many times a day and picking my blemishes. He thinks that I'm an extension of him and that is why he can pick my skin. He is super jealous and doesn't like it when I talk to men and God forbid if they touch me or I them. He is constantly watching and taking in everything, collecting data and storing it for when he goes into a rage and accuses me of (projection) the things that he fears that he will do. He breaks up with me all the time and then after he is finished spewing his venom all over me in his hostility, anger, hatred and total demonic style verbal abuse he forgets all about it and goes back as though nothing happened expecting me to be totally normal as well. This fragmentation from reality doesn't allow him to comprehend that I just survived his verbal abuse and can't just flip to normal like him. He will think about every possible negative to try and convince himself that he is the worst thing for me and then get mad at me when I tell him that I love him. Then he blames me saying things like "what kind of a decent woman would stay with a piece of sh*t like me? There must be something wrong with you then." So I can't win either way with him no matter what. He perseverates over all his distorted thoughts with regards to what he believes I'm doing against him all the time when he is dysregulated. He is the most moody person I've ever known in my life and a 180 change can literally happen in seconds. He interrogates me when he is triggered if he thinks that I'm doing anything that sets off his insecurities or his doubts. He can't tell the difference between reality and his distorted thoughts about me. He can't tell the difference between feelings and facts. He thinks that his feelings are the facts. I can't argue with him, I can't defend myself and I can't do anything other than validate him to get him to calm down. Strangely before I knew he was BPD he would scream at me that I wasn't validating him, when doing so it sounded like he was in actual physical pain. I can't ever win an argument with him because if I try to even share my perspective than that makes him literally rage more. He has had one psychotic break when he thought that he found proof that I had betrayed him with an ex BF and literally went insane. He is so sensitive that even if my normal mood changes slightly he feels threatened and gets defensive and triggered. If people out in public cross their arms in his presence he instantly believes that it is because of him (rejection). He goes through severe episodes of self-loathing and total shame. He can't deal with anything negative because he instantly gets a headache, feels ill and in this way he tries to avoid life in general and anything that he doesn't like. It is maddening. He is for the most part naturally the most selfish man I've ever met and self-entitled (his mother only made this worse in him and actually contributed to his narcissism and his hatred of women). He has a love hate relationship with everything and everyone including himself. If I even say anything that triggers his insecurity about losing me to some other man than it sends him into a furious rage. I don't know, I can go on and on and on and on. He isn't always selfish but he has to work at it when he isn't dysregulated because it doesn't come naturally to him. He is literally the ungliest and meanest human being I've ever laid my eyes on when he is dysregulated and raging, it is like he changes into a demon, like there are two different people in one. When he is regulated he is my best friend and amazing. It feels like we are soul mates, the thing is I'm not sure if this is because we are or if it is just because he has become what I want? I'm not sure about a lot anymore but I know I love him but feel abused and maltreated by him. He isn't aware of just how abusive he is and when I try to explain it to him it's as though he can't relate to what I'm saying because he remembers things differently. I can go on forever but what is the point? I'm trying to figure out if he will get bored of me when he is with me for long enough and really ramp up the dysfunctions?


suffering silently 2 years ago

My husband is BPD as well..I figured it out on my own after over 25 years of marriage. That included episodes of him abusing alcohol, drugs. I know of one time he has cheated and most likely either times. Now he has had s double lung transplant and on steroids he is worse than ever! His outburst r continuous and he races constantly... I m suffering emotionally and he probably wont live much longer he doest take. care of himself, other than taking meds...its sad because I feel like I should stay until he passes. He refuses to get help...o know his mother abused him when he was young and worse she claims yo have done nothing to him...


Lucky Linda 2 years ago

I just read all of you comments and feel for each and every one of you. I was married to a BPD for two years after dating for 5. Getting out as the best thing that ever happened to me. It's taken a lot to trust again and I'm definitely more protective of myself when I meet people. My best advice is to tell people about your situation and elicit help to get out. THEN RUN! You deserve to live this life you were given peacefully and on your own terms.


Jen 2 years ago

I think my husband has BPD. He is pretty high functioning (until he isn't). It took 26 years for me to figure this out. I knew he had a drinking and mariquana issue, which he thinks he is hiding. The drinking he is open about. Mood swings are dramatic...so completely crazy that everyone avoids him at home (my daughter, myself, even the dogs now). At work, with his friends and family, he maintains a lot better. At home though, he is himself... Depressed a lot, ultra sensitive about everything. he comes unglued and outraged with anger when mildly challenged or inconvenienced in any way. he is very preoccupied with worry about his health and obsessed with his blood pressure, aches, pains, vision. He is highly prejiduced and angry with government and becomes so engraged, I have to be careful not to watch the news in front of him for fear he'll begin raging. There are certain things that he does well... Mowing the lawn, practices piano, walks everyday for exercise. But he can't handle leaving the house for anything social because he rages about other drivers, people who get in his way and panics if there are any minor inconveniences. Obviously vacations are a disaster. We can't do anything unless it's very quick and were home by about 6:30pm (when he typically starts drinking. All vacations are limited to sitting in a hotel room with a few brief errands during the day....lunch, a quick sightseeing drive, then back to the room. If we're gone more than 2 hours, he begins feeling ill. I live with the constant push-pull relating. One minute he looks at me with despise and the next minute I'm amazing. If things don't go exactly as expected, someone needs to pay... A guilt trip, or a privilege lost. He often deprives himself of food or by canceling plans to somehow punish me or my daughter for something that didn't go his way. When work related changes have occurred he has gone into severe psychotic episodes with threats to kill himself. In fact, he often makes references that he won't live long. He has started forgetting everything. He has no memory of anything we talk about unless it's something special affecting him. He can't remember telling us stories and will re-tell them. He can't remember plans that I share that are happening the very next day. When he apologizes for something, it quickly turns into a reverse blame game. It is so hard to respect him, In fact I don't. I have to make all decisions and handle all stresses, alone. I don't knows how much longer I can pretend that I'm ok. He he so prideful and angry and is completely unapproachable to suggest that he needs help. This has been normal for him, for so long. I would love tips on how to cope and how to approach him to get help.


blessing 2 years ago

My Name is Blessing.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my boyfriend back and he means so much to me..The boy i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another woman..,When i called him he never picked my calls,he block me on his facebook and he changed he facebook status from married to Single...when i went to him to his place of work he told his boss he never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have him back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting him back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my boyfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My boyfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all he had done ..he said,he never knew what his doing and he sudden behavior was not intentional and he promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from him and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my husband called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my boyfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 10 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can email him at (orissatemple@yahoo.com)


Newdiscovery 2 years ago

I recently married a man i have known for years. We had our first baby together and moved in together a few months ago. I would have never thought in a million years i would have to deal with this type of disorder in the man i love. I just discovered he has bpd. Its Been a nightmare. Between the drug use, constant fits of rage, verbal abuse, being given the silent treatment when something doesn't go his way, walking on egg shells all the time, being blamed for everything all the time, always being told to leave, him threatening divorce, always trying to find a way out of our marriage...then begging me to stay, promising not to do or say anything offensive but then doing it again. Fits get worse while drinking alcohol. Discovering all this in the past few months have made me ask myself what have i gotten into? I just started looking up bpd two days ago and i know that's what he has. My concern is bringing it to his attention so he can get help because everything is a defense. In his mind everyone is against him, no-one cares about him. No-one loves him. People will be better off when he dies, no-one appreciates him, including me, unlike some of these stories I've read we haven't beer married for years but i love him and want things to work even though i know what the problem is early on. Right now he's being distant in another room purpously ignoring me for whatever reason. And when i decide to give him space he takes it as if I'm abandoning him and ignoring HIM when he distanced himself from ME. I really need a support group and much prayer because tired of the arguments and being blamed for starting them along with always being blamed for being the source of his downfall and all his problems as if he's living with an enemy and then barks at me if i say ill move out so he can enjoy his life as if he's pushing me away to bring me close in a weird way. I'm tired of the emotional stress and strain it took on me and my health. I know i have my own set issues but i can't even express any level of sadness or disappointment without being called "weak" or him making it seem as if i complain all the time. I want him to get help and i don't know where to start. My dad actually suggested my hubby may have bpd, and was so concerned about my emotional health he suggested i get my husband some help. Ill do all i can but he has to be receptive because i love him and i can't keep going through all of HIS emotional changes

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