Make An Adventure Out Of Being Sick

THIS IS A REAL HOSPITAL ROOM. GREAT, HUH? IT REMINDS ME OF A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS ROOM WITH ITS GREAT TV, SOFT BED, RELAXING ATMOSPHERE.
THIS IS A REAL HOSPITAL ROOM. GREAT, HUH? IT REMINDS ME OF A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS ROOM WITH ITS GREAT TV, SOFT BED, RELAXING ATMOSPHERE.
PROFESSIONAL NURSES WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU ROUND THE CLOCK WHEN YOU ARE SICK. THAT IN IN ITSELF SHOULD CHEER YOU UP.
PROFESSIONAL NURSES WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU ROUND THE CLOCK WHEN YOU ARE SICK. THAT IN IN ITSELF SHOULD CHEER YOU UP.
FOOD, YOU BET! JUST LOOK AT THAT TRAY OF FOOD THAT OUR HAPPY FRIEND IS ABOUT TO ENJOY. WHO SAID SICKNESS MEANT BEING SAD?
FOOD, YOU BET! JUST LOOK AT THAT TRAY OF FOOD THAT OUR HAPPY FRIEND IS ABOUT TO ENJOY. WHO SAID SICKNESS MEANT BEING SAD?
THIS PRETTY GIRL IS SICK. YOU CANT TELL IT BECAUSE OF ALL THE GREAT CARE SHE IS GETTING AT HER PROFESSIONAL HOSPITAL.
THIS PRETTY GIRL IS SICK. YOU CANT TELL IT BECAUSE OF ALL THE GREAT CARE SHE IS GETTING AT HER PROFESSIONAL HOSPITAL.
TALKING TO FRIENDS ON THE TELEPHONE IS JUST ONE OF THE PERKS OF BEING SICK.
TALKING TO FRIENDS ON THE TELEPHONE IS JUST ONE OF THE PERKS OF BEING SICK.
THIS IS A PRETTY FEMALE DOCTOR. SHE IS GIVING YOU THE OKAY SIGN...READY FOR YOU GO HOME. AHHH, NOW THAT IS SAD. HAVING TO LEAVE HER.
THIS IS A PRETTY FEMALE DOCTOR. SHE IS GIVING YOU THE OKAY SIGN...READY FOR YOU GO HOME. AHHH, NOW THAT IS SAD. HAVING TO LEAVE HER.
THIS HAPPY, PRETTY GIRL IS USING HER TRUSTY LAPTOP IN HER COMFY HOSPITAL ROOM. YOU CAN TOO IF YOU ARE ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL LIKE THE ONE SHE'S IN.
THIS HAPPY, PRETTY GIRL IS USING HER TRUSTY LAPTOP IN HER COMFY HOSPITAL ROOM. YOU CAN TOO IF YOU ARE ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL LIKE THE ONE SHE'S IN.
SEE? BEING SICK IS NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL. YOU GET GOOD REST, GOOD FOOD, ALL THE COMFORTS AT HOME. WHY BE HEALTHY?
SEE? BEING SICK IS NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL. YOU GET GOOD REST, GOOD FOOD, ALL THE COMFORTS AT HOME. WHY BE HEALTHY?
AREN'T THESE (FEMALE) NURSES CUTE? I WOULD BE GLAD TO BE SICK FOR TWO WEEKS IF THESE GIRLS WOULD BE MY NURSES.
AREN'T THESE (FEMALE) NURSES CUTE? I WOULD BE GLAD TO BE SICK FOR TWO WEEKS IF THESE GIRLS WOULD BE MY NURSES.
EVERYONE IS ALL SMILES, EVEN YOU, THE NEW PATIENT WHO IS SICK, WHEN THE PROFESSIONAL DOCTORS AND NURSES TAKE CARE OF YOU, A SMILE WILL COME ON YOUR FACE ALSO.
EVERYONE IS ALL SMILES, EVEN YOU, THE NEW PATIENT WHO IS SICK, WHEN THE PROFESSIONAL DOCTORS AND NURSES TAKE CARE OF YOU, A SMILE WILL COME ON YOUR FACE ALSO.
THUMBS UP, IS RIGHT, MAN! YOU HAVE GOT IT MADE IN TODAY'S HOSPITAL ROOM IF YOU ARE SICK, THEN YOU HAVE A REASON TO SMILE. IT'S PARTY TIME.
THUMBS UP, IS RIGHT, MAN! YOU HAVE GOT IT MADE IN TODAY'S HOSPITAL ROOM IF YOU ARE SICK, THEN YOU HAVE A REASON TO SMILE. IT'S PARTY TIME.
AHHH, REST, GOOD REST. YOU CAN GET THIS TODAY IN MOST HOSPITALS. ROOMS THAT ARE SOUNDPROOF, WITH PEACEFUL ATMOSPHERES.
AHHH, REST, GOOD REST. YOU CAN GET THIS TODAY IN MOST HOSPITALS. ROOMS THAT ARE SOUNDPROOF, WITH PEACEFUL ATMOSPHERES.

ONE DAY YOU GET OUT OF BED . . .

and without as much as a "look out, buddy," you are sick. Sick as a horse that has overeaten his share of green apples. How do you know that you are sick? These symptoms are dead give-aways:

  1. Dizziness

  2. Cannot stand on your own two feet

  3. Vision blurry

  4. Uncoordinated

  5. Scared

  6. Breath is short

  7. Panic attacks set in

  8. You turn pale

You are sick alright. You are calling for your uncle "Jeb," with every breath. That is funny because you don't have an uncle "Jeb," so you manage to crawl to the living room to call your wife at her office. You have to stop, get your breath, for you haven't crawled since your last argument with her, so you finally remember where she works.

You dial her number. "Jacovie, Stuntsgarden, and Wyster," a sweet voice says. But it is not your misses. "May, I, uh, cough, cough, gasp, talk with . . .cough, cough, Ms. uh, gasp, Walkinstern?" you ask barely getting your breath.

"Hello. Hurry up. I am in a meeting!" your wife, "Julie," snaps for she has seen her caller i.d. telling her that it is you who is calling. "Julie, cough, cough, gasp, I need, uh, cough, you to, gasp, come, uh, take me to, gasp, gasp, cough, a doctor. Please?" you beg.

Then you hear the familiar sound of her laughter, the one thing that drew you to her when you two were in college. "Who is this? Is This Charlie in shipping?" she giggles. While you suffer. You see your life flash before your eyes. In 8 millimeter film. Your body and clothing is drenched with sweat. You feel faint. "Ju . . .lie, cough, it's me, Douglas! Help, cough, cough," you reply clutching your chest.

"Douglas, how many times have I told you to NOT call me at work . . .are you sick? Douglas, sweet pumpkin, mama will be right there...would you be a doll and find our life insurance policies for me when I get there?" sweet wife, Julie orders while you mindlessly meander about the living room--holding to anything that will not let you fall. Why does she want our life insurance policies, you think to yourself. Then you laugh like someone has told you an off-color joke. Awww, that Julie, she thinks that one of us may kick the bucket, you rationalize and then collapse in a kitchen chair--your chest heaving, sweat is now pouring on the floor, your hands tremble and you you feel the urge to go to the bathroom to let your bowels do their thing, but you are too weak. You can't get up. Oh well, you think. "Jules" as you call her, will be home soon. She will take you to the "john."

ALLOW ME TO SKIP AHEAD A FEW HOURS

"Margie," an attractive divorcee from next door, happens to hear you yelling like an injured moose in the forest and opens the kitchen door to find you drenched in sweat, pale, breath almost cutting off, and in need of a visit to the restroom. What a doll that Margie is. You have no choice but to let her take you to the bathroom to allow nature to do her thing with your bowels. Surely Julie won't be jealous of you with an extremely-attractive, blond divorcee, 34, with eyes that could stop a man's heart and a figure that would stop the five o'clock rush hour traffic in I-85 around Atlanta, Georgia. She is that pretty. But you cannot think about her great looks now, you have "business" to take care of and you do. What a great feeling to know that you 'made it just in time' for now you feel a tad relieved. But your insides are on fire. You are so nauseated that just the thought of food makes you grimace with pain. Man, you are the sickest you have ever been in your adult life.

Margie is busy turning back the covers on your king-size bed for you to lay down in when you are finished in the bathroom. You manage to yell with the velocity of a schoolgirl, "Uhhh, cough, Maaaar--g---(gasp)--gggii-ee, help, please," you say with all of your might. There she pops in with those icy-blue eyes looking at you in your disheveled state, but never shows any distasteful looks. Funny. Margie was never a nurse. Just good with sick people, you think, as you bumble and stumble your way to bed with Margie keeping you from falling. What a gal that Margie is. And what an exciting perfume she is wearing. But now the scent of her Chanel No. 5, gives your stomach the urge to vomit, but your male bravado allows you to hold it down. What a guy you are. You don't want Margie to know that you are a weakling.

OKAY. LET'S STOP RIGHT HERE. AND LOOK AT THE FACTS:

  1. You are sick. Very sick.

  2. You are now comfortable in bed--thanks to Margie.

  3. You are settling down and not as sweaty as before.

  4. Julie, your wife, is still not there.

  5. But Margie is.

Right now, buddy, you are in trouble. And don't know it. Put yourself in Julie's place. You roll in. Walk to the bedroom and you know that her bloodhound sense of smell will detect Margie's Chanel No. 5, and when she sees you in bed, with caring Margie standing over you dressed in those controversial short-shorts, heels, and halter top, you, not Margie, will be in deeper trouble. It's an innocent scene, man. I know you are innocent. Margie knows that you are innocent. Even God knows you are innocent. But still Julie's suspicious mind (Elvis Presley ) will come up with you having an affair while she is at work. Nothing short of a DNA test will save yo and Margie now.

BE SMART. HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO . . .NOW

Send Margie, the darling, home at once. It will be bad enough for Julie to smell her perfume, but with Margie being gone, she might not be as angry. So Margie blows you a kiss, winks at you, and glides out of the kitchen door, the back way, great! You are in business.

Then you hear the unmistakable sound of Julie slamming the front door--mumbling, cursing, as she stamps to the bedroom. "Wha . . .t, is, uh, this? You are sick?" Julie says with a tone of surprise in her voice. And you would have sworn you saw the hint of a lone tear in her right eye. "Yes, I am sick....(LONG, DEEP COUGH HERE), and I need help, Julie! I am so sorry, (MORE DEEP COUGHING) I wish I hadn't called you . . . gasp, cough, but I had...no, no...cho--ice!" you struggle to say to an amazed Julie who is now sitting on the edge of the bed.

OKAY. JULIE IS NOT ANGRY. HERE IS WHAT YOU DO. NOW

  • Start ENJOYING this sickbed adventure. You heard me right. Sickbed adventure. When was the last time that Julie waited on you? Well, that doesn't matter now because you my taken-for-granted buddy, verbally-abused working man who always puts his wife first. It is YOUR turn to grab a few days of pure delight, if you follow my lead.
  • YOU NOW . . ."act" angry because, as you say to Julie, "That Margie! What a busy body. Came running in here like she lives here--insisted that she help me to bed...when have I ever needed help to get to bed?" you say with your face red with anger. Julie tries to conceal her female gloating for YOU chose to NOT go after Margie, and says, "Hey, now. You cannot get angry. What do you need for me to do for YOU? I am off until Monday!" Julie says those magic words that you have longed to hear for years--What can I get for YOU? And it is ONLY TUESDAY!
  • You think, then barely speak, " A good, cold drink, but I can get it . . ." you say "acting" like you can get out of bed.

Julie lovingly-scolds you and tells you to stay put. See how my advice is working for you? Don't feel guilty. When Julie was sick last year, who was it that stayed off of work to nurse her back to health? YOU! So lay back, and take advantage of this situation...but be advised. DO NOT OVERDO THE PERKS OR JULIE WILL GET SUSPICIOUS, SO BE MODERATE ABOUT WHAT SHE CAN GET FOR YOU.

I would say to keep this up until, say, Wednesday night. Then really pour it on with yells, screams and say stuff like, "I know I am going to Heaven..bye, everyone," and Julie, being a sharp-thinking woman, will get on the phone and take you, guess where? To the upgraded, modern in every way, area hospital where you will receive EVEN MORE care that you would at home. Now listen to me. You have to really 'act' as good as Marlon Brando in your 'resentment' to being taken to really, a medical facility that rivals any Holiday Inn Express with it's large, comfy rooms, digital television, great food, and those pretty nurses, man on man, you can get great care from tonight, Wednesday night, until Sunday evening. You cannot afford to miss the Sunday NFL on CBS, can you?

As you enter your huge, comfy, soundproof room, you sigh with approval, but you quickly "act" irate as you are stripped of your street clothes and put into a comfy gown that you can lay around in for days. I said days, mister. Julie looks tired. And the thing for you do to now is to say this, "Julie, honey. Go on back home. You need some rest. And there is nothing you can do for now. You can come by tomorrow on your lunch hour, if you like. Okay?" Julie almost cries as your selfless attitude. She kisses you on your forehead, not your lips, as the young night nurse looks at her like an irritated cat. And you are old enough to be her dad. The nurse, not Julie.

HERE IS WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT NOW UNTIL SUNDAY EVENING:

  1. 1. GREAT FOOD. I MEAN THE FOOD THAT MAKES YOU THINK OF RUBY TUESDAY'S.
  2. PLENTY OF DIGITAL TELEVISION WITH "YOUR" SPORTS SHOWS: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU AND FOOTBALL GALORE. YOU ARE IN HEAVEN, BUDDY.
  3. PLENTY OF ATTENTION FROM THE PRETTY NURSES WHO ARE SWORN TO LOOK IN ON YOU, TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, VITAL SIGNS ALL THE WHILE LOOKING AT YOU WITH THEIR YOUNG, DEEP BROWN EYES.
  4. SPONGE BATHS--FROM THE SAME YOUNG, PRETTY NURSES. A MAN HAS TO BE CLEAN EVEN IN THE HOSPITAL. AND IT'S FUNNY. AT HOME, JULIE HAS TO THREATEN YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU WILL TAKE A SHOWER.
  5. USE OF TELEPHONE. CALL YOUR WORKPLACE. CHAT WITH BUDDIES ABOUT THE GAMES, HAVE A GREAT TIME.
  6. ORDER MOVIES FOR THE DIGITAL TV. WHY NOT? YOUR INSURANCE IS FOOTING THE BILL.
  7. READ WHATEVER YOU LIKE--NEWSPAPERS, COMIC BOOKS, MAYBE A PLAYBOY IF JULIE DOESN'T WALK IN.

Then your doctor walks into your room--smiling and writing notes on his official hospital-approved clipboard with his gold Cross pen. "What's the verdict, doc?" you ask in a semi-positive tone, but not too positive.

"Well, my friend. You have been attacked by food poisoning. That's right. And I feel that we have got to keep you at least 10 MORE DAYS to see if we cannot get that nasty germ out of you," the smiling doctor explains. Shakes your hand. And leaves.

Then you are left alone with your thoughts. Food poisoning, where did, oh yeah, the last thing I ate was Julie's meatloaf. That was it. That's where this junk came from but . . .like the doctor said....10 MORE DAYS . . .what a lucky break...more of this fine treatment, attention . . .

"Knock, knock," Julie says laughingly as she opens the door to your hospital room. "Got my man some "real" food. You know how bad that hospital food is, dear?"

"What is that, Julie, some, take-out from Ruby Tuesday's?" you 'act' weak as you reply.

Julie smiles like a guilty cat that has been into the margarine in the door of the refrigerator and then says . . .

"No, you silly man! I said REAL food! I brought you some more of my yummy MEATLOAF!"





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Comments 16 comments

shanaya profile image

shanaya 5 years ago from Living in my Own Dreams:)

Hello Sir Kenneth! It was fun reading it. I enjoyed very much. Thanks for sharing.:)

voted up, interesting.

with lots of Respect

from SHANAYA:)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DEAR Shanaya! THANKS SO MUCH, for the comment. I have missed you so much. And Again, thanks again for making my day. I will talk to you soon. Sincerely, Kenneth


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

You sly fox. ;-) My stomach is sore from laughing.

Voted up, up and away!

Have a good evening. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

10:03 pm/CST, 10-24/2011

DEAR SUESWAN . . . LOL, thank YOU so much for the highest of compliments--you laughing until you were sore. That cheers me right up. And THANK YOU, DEAR FRIEND, for the nice votes. Are you too sore to work tomorrow? Or do you need to do like "Douglas," in this piece and enjoy a few days of sickbed adventure? At any rate, Douglas got pay back from Julie with that loaded meatloaf. Peace and keep in touch! Kenneth


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

Glad my meatloaf isn't like Julie's. I hate to go to hospitals. Funny


jenubouka 5 years ago

Leave it you boys for milking a silly cold as the path of your death bed.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Becky, Im sure that your meatloaf is excellent. And by the way, personally speaking, MEATLOAF has to be, My All-time Favorite food! And I too hate to go to hospitals as a patient also. Thanks, Becky for that lively comment. Bless you. Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, jenubouka, guess us guys are "Busted!" LOL, and you may have a legitimate point there. Seemingly, colds are much "worse" for us than with the ladies. That proves another point of mine: Women are far more intelligent and stronger than guys. I am a guy who is not ashamed to admit it. Thank you for 'revealing' this secret, jenubouka...LOL! I appreciate your comment. Have a safe and happy day, Kenneth


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

No Kenneth, colds are not worse for men than for women. Women just know that they have to get over it quicker because the men can't survive without us. We are the ones who take care of everyone so we get up and get to work while the men would just be lounging in the bed wanting to be waited on.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Becky, you are so right. I cannot argue with you on that one--if men were all truthful, we would all admit that we cannot live without women. That is, as the older, wiser people used to say, 'the Gospel truth,' but me? I am finishing my new hub for today. Then I am going to take more meds and maybe do another hub this evening. Thanks, Becky, my new friend, for all of your comments that I appreciate to much. Kenneth


Prosperity66 5 years ago

What a fun read! I didn't think to hospitals and being sick this way but I may view them like that in the future! Thanks for the good time!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Prosperity66! Thank YOU so MUCH for the nice comment. I needed that this morning. And yes, do look at hospitals like Holiday Inn Express' in the future. And God forbid you have to visit one as a patient, I dont want you to be sick. Just do like me. Phase out the machinery sounds and lights and you got it made. Thanks again, KENNETH


LADYGIRL profile image

LADYGIRL 5 years ago

That was very funny, I was laughing all through the reading. You should always write about funny thing through your writing, everyone can't do that, your skill has to be within you, and it is. Keep up the good work. Excellent Hub


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

OCT. 26, 2011--2:42 P.M/CST

Hello, DEAR LADYGIRL! Where have you been? Busy, I can assume. I DO Appreciate, with all my heart, YOUR comment. I LOVE comedy-related subjects, but I do have a sensitive side that I hide well. Hopefully 'that' side wont be seen that much. Thank YOU AGAIN for this and all of your warm and sweet comments. They make me smile. SINCERELY....KENNETH


lyndapringle profile image

lyndapringle 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

I enjoyed this very much and kudos on reading women's minds so well. LOL. If I came home to a sick husband being ministered by a sexy Marge, I'd react with the fury of 100 Medusas. You got that one right! :-) It is a good move to send the Marge away. But must disagree on the meat loaf: that's one nasty dish.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

10-27-2011/9:47 p.m./cst

Hi, lyndapringle!

THANK YOU DEARLY, for the comment on this 'sick' hub. I thought it wise for Douglas to do ONE thing right and sent Marg away. I guess that Julie was preoccupied on something to be that angry at her husband. And yeah, meatloaf to me, is never consistent. Some people make it too moist while others make too dry. Not that I am a compalainer. I prefer StoveTop Stuffing year around. As well as most food. Peace to you and write anytime you like, lynda! Sincerely, KENNETH

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