Mental illness is it spiritual
spirituality vs mental illness
Mental Illness vs. Spirituality and Your Whole Personal Wellness A Self Help Book
I am going to attempt the impossible and that is to write logically about a very illogical topic. The topic I am going to try to discover and rediscover again is Christianity vs. mental illness. This is a very hard topic to explain to just anyone about since it deals with the supernatural realm and our own physical limitations. I guess I can say very bluntly that if you don’t have faith in God then this book will be of no use to you and you might as well put it down right now. If you think that you can stay open minded as far as Christianity is concerned then by all means, read this little book and hopefully you will learn something new. The things that I am going to attempt to uncover for regular Christians may be uncomfortable to them also. I am going to try to explain my battle with psychosis, depression, and schizophrenia without scaring you away too soon.
First, I must define for you what exactly mental illness is. Most people call mentally ill people “crazy”, and the dictionary defines crazy cra·zy (krz)
adj. cra·zi·er, cra·zi·est
1. Affected with madness; insane.
2. Informal Departing from proportion or moderation, especially:
a. Possessed by enthusiasm or excitement: The crowd at the game went crazy.
b. Immoderately fond; infatuated: was crazy about boys.
c. Intensely involved or preoccupied: is crazy about cars and racing.
d. Foolish or impractical; senseless: a crazy scheme for making quick money.
n. pl. cra·zies
One who is or appears insane: "To them she is not a brusque crazy, but 'appropriately passionate'" Mary McGrory.
This is how the world perceives a mentally ill person as a crazy person. The world does not take the time to find out what is really happening with this person who is acting crazy. The world does not care. If you are mentally ill then don’t try to tell anyone what you are going through unless they are trained professionals or someone who has the gift of discernment and knows what you are going through first hand. Everyone else will say you are crazy and no one will believe a word you say because they think you are crazy. Believe me people can be very judgmental and out rightly wrong when it comes to diagnosing mental illness and what they think you are capable of. I did at one time, have some people from child protective services lie saying that I had said things that I had never said to make a case against me so that they could prove that I was capable of hurting my children. I never said that there was evil in my children. They said lies to make the law think that I was going to hurt my children and I never would. They got what they wanted and took away my children for two months. During that time I had to prove to them that I wasn’t going to hurt my children. People don’t understand mental illness the way they should and they should never take advantage of a mentally ill person and lie about what they say never. A physician who cares about his or her practice and others will care but then again they are probably Christians anyway. If you do not have faith in God then you will travel the road of mental illness seemingly alone. I am here to tell all of you whom are mentally ill that you cannot make it on your own, and I will fill you in with my own battle with mental illness and then I will show you how it affects us directly in our walk with Christ later on in the book.
My definition of mental illness is all spiritual. Being a mentally ill person for about eleven years now, I can say that my battle with mental illness has all and always been about my spiritual battles and my own personal walk with God. It sometimes sounds weird but I do clinically have schizophrenia. That is my diagnosis. I am on medication for that very disease. Do I think I am crazy? No not at all. I think that I have crazy moments but I believe that all of the things that have happened to me can be validated by God and that they weren’t crazy at all. I think that God used this mental illness to show me things about him that had I not had this mental illness I might not have had the opportunity to get to know my creator like I know him. You might ask well, how do you cope living in a secular world like this with this mental illness or I will even go as far as to call it a gift? I am crazy to those who don’t know God and to those who do know God I am not. It is that simple.
CHAPTER 2 Mental illness leads to Christianity
What is Christianity? Chris·ti·an·i·ty (krsch-n-t, krst-)
1. The Christian religion, founded on the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Christians as a group; Christendom.
3. The state or fact of being a Christian.
4. pl. Chris·ti·an·i·ties A particular form or sect of the Christian religion:
Christians believe what the Bible has written and Jesus said plainly and clearly in the Bible in the book of John (3:3) “Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” The Bible defines Christianity as “Belonging to Christ”. In the Acts of the Apostles (11:26) “And when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to pass, that a whole year they assembled themselves with the church, and taught much people. And the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch.” If you are not a Christian and have a mental illness then all I can say is may God help you! People who aren’t born again cannot see the Kingdom of God. It is written in the Bible. So, if you don’t believe then you are what the world perceives a mentally ill person to be and that is crazy. If you would like to be born again and don’t know how to be then ask Jesus to be your own personal Lord and Savior. It is that simple and you will be placed on a path to God from that moment on. Living in the spirit world is much different then being an unbeliever who’s eyes aren’t open to how God is working in their lives. Anything and everything is possible to a Christian and God shows each and every one of us what he wants to according to our faith. I can honestly say that being mentally ill has strengthened my faith beyond what I would have ever believed it would. A believer with mental illness is never alone. God is always teaching them and revealing more and more to them as they can handle it. A non believer will probably fall into Satan’s trap to make them do something awful to someone or to themselves. Yes they must feel alone, but they aren’t alone even when they feel that way. God is right there trying to talk to them and waiting for an opening to save their lives if they only were born again and could hear his encouragement.
CHAPTER 3 Testimony of my life vs. God vs. Mental Illness
I was a normal kid most of my life. Nothing happened that was too alarming in my childhood to set me off with mental illness. Although I did suffer with obesity, I still had a pretty good outlook on life. I was raised by two of the best parents in the world. They put me through Catholic schooling for all of my grade school years. They took care of all of my emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. My dad spent hours upon hours with us kids drilling into our heads about our morals and how to be good people of God. I always had a heart for God and Loved Jesus so much growing up but still found myself as a hopeless sinner. I have come to accept my status as a sinner before God over the years, but there are times when I try to achieve perfection relentlessly. To no avail though since I am meant to be a sinner and God is meant to be the only perfect one there is. During my childhood I was given my first gift from God, which would prove to be necessary in dealing with mental illness and that gift is my spiritual roots. The seeds of faith and Love for God were planted in good soil and grew strong. My relationship with God was defined as a moment of ecstasy during Mass when I was about five years old where I lost all consciousness and did not realize that I was lifting my arms up high to God. I lost track, at that age, of where I was thinking and what I was doing because I believed that God was ministering to my soul in some kind of personal closeness and ecstasy. I didn’t think much of it at the time for God’s sake I was only five years old and did not know my maker like I know him now. I then, like normal people do, went about my life sinning. I knew in my heart of hearts that God loved me and so I justified my sinful behavior with his Love. I became a teenager and dabbled in every drug I could try. I thought that I was going to do everything in this life no matter how bad it was. You could say that I walked away from God and didn’t have one bit of remorse or guilt in doing so. I was having fun and living life to its fullest. Yes I was very broken at that time I just didn’t know it. I dealt with a little depression during my high school career. I do remember thinking that I wanted to kill myself during this time too. Thank God that I didn’t go through with it since now I can say that I am truly blessed in this life and that I should thank God for this life much more often than I do also.
When I entered my twenties God took me for the ride of my life. I was urged to go to a retreat at my church St. Peters Catholic Church. My mom was worried about me because I had become gothic in my clothing style and was hanging in some what of satanic companies at that time. Yes I was lost, but I still was that same girl that grew up going to Catholic schools. I still had a heart for God. I can thank my mother and father Bud because she made an appointment with father Bud to talk about me and how worried she was about me. Fr Bud suggested that I go to a retreat that the church was giving on
Kerygma. Kerygma basically tells about having a personal relationship with Jesus. God knew that I was thirsting for him. My mom mentioned the retreat to me and I was not too enthused about it but she also knew that I didn’t have anything going on that weekend and that there was no reason for me not to go, so I said that I would think about it. I opened my heart just a little to God and the next thing I knew Father Bud himself called me on the phone and personally invited me to go. Well to get a call from a Catholic pastor inviting you to a retreat was awesome and you had better make a way to attend. It was like Jesus called me on the phone and asked me out on a date. Would any girl turn him down? I don’t think so.
I went to the retreat and I was the only young person there. Everyone else attending the retreat was quite a bit older then I was. In fact they were just plain old. It didn’t bother me a bit. In fact I didn’t even really notice that I was the youngest one there. I fit in there and everyone was very nice and accepting of me. I sat down and listened to the speaker talk of God’s Love for me and that he wanted to have a close personal relationship with me. Well, I thought he was speaking only to me personally and I knew that something was changing within me but I had no idea that it would be the best Love relationship in the world. My eyes were glued on the speaker and he spoke with Love and the Holy Spirit began to pierce my soul with his amazing powerful Love and peace. I had never experienced the Holy Spirit so close to me and inside of me like that before. I was a sponge and I took it all in. God changed my life and lifestyle from that point on, and I was a new and improved woman. I was a woman with possibilities, who suffered with a very broken and low self esteem for a very long time. That is why I turned to drugs in the past. God was now a tangible God and I felt the burning of the Holy Spirit in my soul and I felt like I finally had some self worth for the first time in my life. I knew with out a doubt that I was special to God himself for the first time ever, and that made me fall in Love with Jesus. From that point on I couldn’t get enough of God. I tried to attend as many church functions as possible just to be able to get closer and closer to God. I wanted to have the ultimate relationship with God that I could actually be his best friend and special to him. I desired to serve him and could not stop talking about how good God is. My Love relationship with God was growing and as I matured in my spiritual walk with God I began to notice that I was a very broken young woman. I was fat and did not Love myself, in fact I bordered on hating myself. I would verbally beat myself up to others and was becoming very depressed once again in my life because the honeymoon stage of my conversion to God was over. I think God was challenging me to heal my self esteem and self worth at that time. I cried and cried for hours asking God to take the pain away and I once again entertained killing myself. My enemies were trying to discourage me from having a relationship with God. I then began to pray over my clients heads, at the hair salon that I worked at, for conversion to God and what ever else they needed. I prayed for purity and innocence and all of the gifts of the Holy Spirit for most of the people that I touched each day without letting them know I was doing it. My faith made me believe that God was using me as a tool to save souls and to bring them to a quiet conversion through my prayer for them. This is how I served God for about fifteen years of hairstyling. That is when I became the arch enemy of Satan and all of our enemies. I became his enemy because my faith and prayers were being answered and the Holy Spirit was ministering to his people. My depression was eminent and I suffered with it alone on my bed praying for relief and seeming to get none right at that time. That was what Satan wanted me to feel like. He wanted to discourage me from being happy and healthy and most of all from ministering to God’s people through prayer. How I fought back? I will tell you. Instead of talking to and rebuking Satan from my life, I left him alone and did not give him any credit at all for how he was making me feel. Instead I became the one responsible for my own brokenness and I surrendered that very brokenness to God for healing. I did my part and I took up reading self help books on problems in my life that needed healing bad. I always read these books in the spirit of prayer and God began to heal me. I had to reprogram my mind into not putting myself down all of the time to saying over and over in my head that “I am confident and secure. I can do anything successfully in Jesus’ name”. The more and more that I said it in my head, eventually I began to believe it. Satan then left me alone for a while and that is how God healed my self esteem. Slowly and surely I began to realize that I was Loveable and deserving to be happy. I began to diet and lost a hundred plus pounds too. Finally I felt healthy spiritually and physically too. My depression went away and my life took a turn for the better.
CHAPTER 4 Spiritual Warfare
This next point that I will try to demonstrate to all those who are, or were struggling with depression and mental illness’ is the point that Satan and the Devil and all of his evil demons are the real reason why we suffer with any kind of mental illnesses. If you have any open door then Satan will come in and give you everything that he tries to that is of evil, pain, and suffering. He enjoys seeing God’s faithful servants suffer. He will do anything to make you stop working for God and saving souls. Satan is the author of mental illness, chaos, and confusion. He lies to us and tries to scare us out of having a good Christian relationship of Love with our maker. Christ in me was a threat to Satan and since I had the human weakness of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain, he decided to come in through that door and give me the severe depression that I had experienced before I effectively, through Christ, made my escape from bondage and was healed.
I believe that mental illnesses and the idea that someone is actually crazy themselves is all about spiritual warfare. The very active war that never ceases in this world, until Christ comes again pouring out his wrath upon satan, is God versus the Devil. Most of the time a crazy person is actually possessed by the devil or demon that torments and lies to them making them say and do things that are not normal and are scary and most of the time misunderstood by a seemingly “normal” person. To say that depression, psychosis and all other mental illness’ are not of the supernatural realm is irresponsible and actually quite immature on the part of the one who thinks that absurd nonsense. I am here to testify to you that mental illnesses of all kinds are actually coming from demonic evil forces and maybe even the devil himself. I have one source to back me up on my very bold discovery and that is Holy Scripture itself. Remember, I said that if you don’t have faith in God and believe in the spiritual realm at the beginning of this book, then you should put it down right now because it is not going to be of use to you? I said that because the one and only thing I can base this belief on is faith in Christ himself. You must have faith in God to hear the Holy Spirit minister the living word to your soul and whole being for that matter. The bible speaks to us about people acting abnormal or crazy. It speaks of people being dumb or not able to speak and God rebuked the devil and the person was instantly healed of their illness. (Matthew 8:16) “When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick”. Since devils are all about lies and chaos, then why wouldn’t these possessed in the book of Matthew in the New Testament that were healed of their “illness” be called mental illness today. Also written in (Matthew chapter 8:28-32) this book of Matthew speaks of the well known scripture of the crazy man acting abnormally in front of Jesus and He then did cast the devils into the swine which proceeded to kill themselves in the sea. “And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Ger-ge-senes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way. And, behold, they cried out, saying, what have we to do with thee, Jesus, Thou Son of God? Art though come hither to torment us before the time? And there was a good way off from them and herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the heard of swine. And he said unto them, Go. They went into the herd of swine: swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters”. This scripture speaks of the men acting with “exceeding fierce”. This does not sound like the men were acting normal at all. It actually portrays two crazy men riddled with what we would call now a days, mental illness. These are only two of the many examples that the Bible speaks of people with mental illness. Both of these passages speak of devils and being possessed by devils.
Yes, doctors can give you medications to control and close the doors that Satan uses to infiltrate into our minds. If we are not compromised by the weakness of a chemical imbalance in our brain then Satan cannot get into our minds and torment us. I do condone the taking of meds because it is like your own personal fire wall to protect you by closing the door of a flaw in your mind and renders Satan ineffective when he attacks. Again, I can personally testify that mental illness is of the nature of evil and has everything to do with God and your personal wholeness and general good mental health. One personal experience that has and will always affect me deeply spiritually is the memories of what I went through during this one particular episode of psychosis and how I was totally powerless to it and how I dealt with this episode and how it brought me closer to God. I believe that this particular episode was allowed by God to let me know the extent of anguish that Jesus went through on the cross for us and how he carried the weight of the sin of the world with in him and upon his shoulders as he carried the heavy cross to his crucifixion and death. I was not able to talk very well but I could feel the evil all around me and even within me. I began to panic so I called the paramedics. They could tell that I was having a psychotic episode and loaded me onto the ambulance. When they did that I felt like the way they strapped me down by hooking some straps over my head to keep the bed in place was just an outward representation of how God was using his invisible straps to hold me in place and keep me from falling eternally. When I got to the hospital this was not a mental hospital. This was a normal emergency room. They put me in a room and just left me there for a long time. During this time I was seeing spirits. Black, white, and red spirits were flying through the room. I was scared since I was all alone and I could sense the evil around me. The people outside of the room sounded like they were all moving in line and walking together. All I could hear were footprints. I then decided that I was thirsty and I came out of my room to try and get some water. Nobody was helping me so I began to yell excuse me and I ran toward a nurse. All I was looking for was a drink of water. Well since I was loud and I ran toward someone they thought that I was dangerous and put me in my room with no water and they began to strap me down. They put safety restraints on my legs and on my arms. At that point I was so scared of every thing and every one. You see since the hospital had no experience on how to treat a mental patient they did nothing. Nobody asked me what my problem was or how I was doing. Nobody seemed to care so I was strapped in for several hours without any escape. During the time of my being strapped in I was thirsty and my lips got so chapped that they began to bleed. The hospital didn’t care they gave me no care at all to make me comfortable. When a person is in psychosis most of the time they are scared. These hospital workers did not care. They came into my room to use the computer and did not say a word to me at all. I was laying there with good white spirits ministering to me from the light above my bed and I could see evil faces in the walls and emptying out of me into the walls so that the evil could not affect another person. While I was strapped down I felt like I was doing what Jesus did for us. I felt the evil of the world passing through my body and into the walls. I was scared and all alone I thought that the devil was trying to keep me locked up and dirty from the evil of the world passing through me so that I wouldn’t have a chance to go to heaven. I thought that the second coming was happening then and that the people were in lines and coming to the hospital to get clean to go to heaven. I thought that they were lining up and walking bodies and souls to heaven and that I was to be left here on earth to take the devil’s place. All alone and scared with no food for about twenty four hours, finally a team of mental health professionals came in to diagnose me and they did they could tell that I was s.m.i. Seriously mentally ill is what they said I was as I held on to one of the nurses hands saying don’t leave me, I’m scared. Finally they left and I was alone again. Then one of the emergency room nurses came into the room and she was a very masculine looking older lady who just by the looks of her scared me. She said to me do you know who I am? And I said yes the devil. I believed every word I said and she said to me then, yes I am the devil and you made a deal with me remember? I said no I didn’t make a deal with you . Then she left the room and when my husband came in to visit me she said that I was so badly mentally ill that I have no business being out in the world and that I should be hospitalized for life. Nice nurse don’t you think.
CHAPTER 5 My life as a nun and the origin of my mental illness
I will now continue with my personal testimony on my struggle with schizophrenia and how it affects my personal relationship with God. I was close to God for many years after my first healing and battle with the dark side. I did not do too much work in the way that I did not make any lasting impressions with my service to God in the spiritual realm. I was actually kind of low key for a while and did not get bothered too much by my enemies. During this time I felt that the Holy Spirit was gently nudging me to be of further service to God with my gift of prayer. I had the desire to be a bride of Christ by joining a convent and becoming a nun, a saint to be exact. I was giving up my life in the secular world for a life of prayer in a cloistered type situation, so I began to explore my possibilities. I also began to try to prepare myself for this transition that I was about to make in my life by praying without ceasing. Always occupying my mind with Jesus and praising God constantly. I was asking Christ to purify me so I could enter my marriage to Jesus Christ in the most pure way I possibly could. I happened to have a job doing hair again and I met a man who was looking into being a priest also. He was the one who told me of this very Holy convent located in Tecate Mexico. I drove over there several times and fell in love with the prayer lifestyle that these very beautiful and almost angelic looking women of God had. I wanted to be Holy like them and I even aspired to become a very great saint which I had wanted more than once in my life. I took my faith seriously and was very set on being cloistered in this convent with these other Holy women for the rest of my life. I did finally enter into the convent a few months after I was led there, and I was very content with my decision. This cloister practiced a very hard lifestyle daily. They took the narrow and hard path to God. We woke up in the morning before dawn and took a sponge bath with cold water on our knees in our own separate bathrooms. Then we went to say the Liturgy of the Hours in Spanish. Now I did not know any Spanish at the time and I was able to read the prayers fluently with them as if I spoke Spanish my whole life. I didn’t know what I was saying but it all sounded so beautiful to me so I didn’t mind not knowing. When we prayed we would kneel on a hard tile floor. Believe me I am not bragging at all but to give you the sense of the hard path to God that we were on, we sacrificed our own personal comfort during prayer and suffered big thick calluses on our knees. I am not going to lie either, but it did hurt! At the time I was giving that up to God as a sacrifice and I always avoided looking at my calluses on my knees for the fear of pride entering me there and ruining my gift to God. We then ate breakfast on our knees and when we ate, we didn’t eat the meals made for a King, no, we ate simple cornflakes with dry milk mixture. We did not entertain food for pleasure instead we ate to nourish our bodies and to sustain us. Then our day would begin. We all had jobs to do in the convent. My job was to clean the bathrooms. I was glad to do it since I knew I was doing it for God. When the convent was clean then we would sometimes read books of our choosing for a while, or start our daily school classes. We had music class, which I liked the best since these women sang so beautifully to God. We also had Latin class, so I had to learn Latin in Spanish and I did not know either language at all. Most of the time the mother of the cloister would have a translator help me understand what was being said, so that made it a little easier for me but generally I had no one to talk to. I talked to God most of the time. In my head, I had a close relationship with the Holy Spirit and watched the fruits of all of my thoughts and dealt with them accordingly. I wanted only God to exist in my heart, body, mind, and soul. I didn’t know it but our prayers for God’s mercy and our devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus was changing the world. We as a group of sisters became very holy together and we, by Gods infinite power, were being lifted up to the highest possible level that we could handle and were becoming closer to God. I had a moment of ecstasy at one time while in prayer during mass where I saw only a very yellow bright light surrounding me and I felt like I was floating above myself. I believe that that did really happen to me and it was a miracle and that God was showing me his power. I then, being the helpless sinner that I am, made the mistake of doing something selfish and blatantly sinned against God in his presence and fell from grace. That is when it hit the fan. I had opened myself for attack by the enemy and he did just that. I began to have a hard time in the convent. I couldn’t think clearly all of the time and I was becoming depressed. Satan was working on me hard. I had opened up a door for my enemies to come in and they found out that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. Schizophrenia runs in my family and the devil knew it and used it against me.
My first breakdown happened in the convent shortly after I fell from grace which led to my enemies having a hold on me. I did not know what was happening to me but I became more and more stressed out with the hard lifestyle we lived and when my parents came that weekend to visit me I broke down totally. I was weak because I was not in the state of grace and wasn’t as close to God as I used to be. I had lost my great protector for a while. Christ was silent at that time and allowed me to experience spiritual warfare. The priest and sisters at the convent noticed it too and they performed an exorcism on me to no avail. It was my birthday that weekend so my parents brought a cake for me and I could barely function enough to hand it out to the people there. We went for a walk on the mountain and that is when I realized that I couldn’t speak. I knew what I wanted to say in my head but did not know how to get the words out. I think my mind was shutting down. I began to become confused and didn’t really know what I should do next. Remember, Satan loves confusion. My brother was there and could see me struggling and he said to me, “You know that you don’t have to stay here tonight. You can come home.” Well needless to say I was scared to death of what was happening to me and I did want to go home where I felt safe with my family. I said ok and went to tell the mother of the cloister that I was leaving for the night. Mother said to me right then, “I am a schizophrenic and so am I”. She knew that I was dealing with schizophrenia and let me go home. My parents took me to the mental hospital that next day and on the way to the hospital I saw a shop that advertised computer humans and I thought that there would be anther holocaust that would cause humans to be computers. I read in the Bible words that clearly didn’t sound like the word of God but it was satan trying to confuse me into going back into the convent when I believe that God led me out of there. I, now that I look back on it, think that God used the convent for my future marriage to my husband. At that time the Bible was saying stuff like if you don’t fulfill your vows that you have made before God and you take off your veil then you will suffer from scabs all over your head. I thought I heard good people of God praying to satan too, and I know for a fact I would never do that. I felt like I was crazy. Did this stuff really happen to me or not? I believe that a mentally ill person definitely experiences what they say that they experience. Maybe it is not for our eyes but it is real to them and is really happening to them. Yes is the answer to that question, and thus began my walk with schizophrenia vs. God.
CHAPTER 6 God is Great and his design for us is of Goodness
My mental illness which I suffer from has revealed itself to me in many ways. I always seem to have an episode when I get close to Jesus Christ and when I pray a lot and make changes in my life by obeying the Holy Scripture and the Ten Commandments. I think that Christ wants me to experience how weak I am when he lets the devil attack me like he did only so I could learn to surrender all of my control and power that I had in my life to Jesus and to trust in Jesus totally for every little and big thing in my life.
After I came out of the convent, which I believe was Gods will for me at the time. God led me on the path which leads to Christ. It hasn’t been easy but I can testify that I have never known a more patient, kind, all loving, all giving, extremely humble, yet infinite God before in my life. God is all of these things and more. God is patient with me when I turn my back on him to be free of my mental illness, so I can be somewhat normal again and he waits for me to be ready to come back to him. He invites me and waits for me to respond. After a while I would give up on a friend who constantly left me when the going got a little rough. God never leaves us. He is always there even especially when we don’t think he is. He offers us his kindness and reveals how kind he is through others and allows us to see him working in our lives. He is slow to anger, and all loving. Sometimes when I look into my husband’s eyes they look like a pool of love. They are so deep and beautiful that I know that I am looking into the eyes of God as if he were actually here on this earth as a human being again. The love that comes from my husband has to be from the Holy Spirit it is so beautiful and hard to explain in words. God is all giving and I really have experienced how giving God is by the way that all I have to do is think it and I receive it. That happens when I am aligned with the will of God. Why would he say no if it is his will anyways? God’s design for our lives is a life of goodness. He wants us to be healthy mentally and wants to share with us his heavenly, holy and almighty power so we can be one with him in many ways and on many levels.
CHAPTER 7 Don’t turn your back on God like I did
God has tested me along the way and shown me how to fight the psychosis. God has given me the gift of discernment, which I recommend anyone with mental illness or not for that matter to have. This gift gives me the ability to know who is talking to me when I hear a voice or when I think someone is trying to talk to me. I during the first few years after the convent did not have too much psychosis and that is because during the episode with the convent I got weary of the constant confusion and broke down and asked God to take away this gift, which at the time I thought was a burden away from me and that I needed a break from the stress I had. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I wanted to be normal again. God heard my prayer and willed it to be so, and by the next day my psychosis had left me. I could think straight and I didn’t think crazy thoughts like every one, I thought, was listening to my thoughts. Or that dead people were coming into my hair salon, saints to be exact, and I was doing their hair for them. I turned my back on God and my psychosis left me immediately. The devil left me alone if I wasn’t close to God because he thought that he won over God since I turned my back on God. God let me do that because of my free will and he still was silently with me guiding me, loving me and protecting me. God understood where I was at that time and wanted to let me have what I wanted. God wants us to be happy and he knows that the souls that ultimately are his by our own free will would be happiest with him. He wants to be closer and closer to us all of the time. He knew what I could handle and he only gave me what was perfectly allotted to me. The devil wants us to be confused. I would during psychosis sometimes think thoughts or hear voices telling me that God has no power, or that God left you and will not save you, or that I’m crazy, or that God could actually become smaller than the devil and the devil was defeating God. Or he would give me thoughts that I was fat and unlovable, so I would feel bad about myself. These are all lies that the devil used to try and scare me into losing faith in my Creator. These lies are absurd and I didn’t believe the devil but instead I would praise God and remind myself that God is all powerful and that he loves me right where I am and that he will save me and be my great protector. Yes God can be smaller then the devil since he is the alpha and the Omega, but the devil will never defeat God because if you know your maker then you have faith and know that he is larger than his own creation and that he is infinite. I during the first few years did lose faith and would get scared and walk away from God because of my own human weaknesses. Then he would call me back and show me his love and the Holy Spirit would teach me how to fight the attacks and I knew that if I surrendered to Jesus Christ, the Holy Trinity, then I could trust him to protect me. God was making my mind stronger and stronger because I was learning to trust in him and my faith was becoming stronger and stronger. I can thank God for each and every attack that I endured and what people would call craziness that he allowed me to experience, because he was showing me what he was all about. He was revealing to me how he fought evil with love by not judging me and by being so patient with my turning my back on him all of the time. He has shown me by his very own example which was revealed to me through my husband.
CHAPTER 8 God used my husband
God used my human husband in this world to show me his love and understanding. I believe that a lot of my psychosis is and was a lot of supernatural things that God wants to show me of himself to have a relationship with him. I believe that since I married Christ in the convent and did take vows before the world and God to be his servant and to love him above and beyond any thing in this world but to live a life of poverty with him. Allowing him alone to care for my every need however large or small it may be. I believe that God gave me the perfect human husband in this world and I am grateful to God for him every day. During the first few years of our marriage I didn’t know how to treat my psychosis and most of it bordered on negativity and hating myself. I wanted to kill myself and I couldn’t see what God was doing in my life. Actually, I didn’t even know our loving Christ much at all. I was so into myself and was so sick that I would go into rages over things that don’t even matter today, destroying our property. I would put holes in the walls and I would beat myself up with my own fists all by my self. Putting bruises on me out of self hatred. There was nothing my husband could do at that time. I’m sure that was hard on him to see the woman that he married and loved so much suffering from this mental illness. I believe that I was possessed during that time with bad spirits that caused me to do things that weren’t in my real nature to be doing. The devil wanted to push me over the edge and hurt as many people along the way as possible. My husband stuck by me through all of my out pourings of goodness as well as the badness. I think he knew it was spiritual warfare and was fighting the sickness right along with me. I even at one time thought that he, my husband, was Christ himself!!! He would never admit to something like that but I know that he has the ability to see into the spirit world a little deeper than well, anyone I have ever seen before. Not to pump him up or anything because he is like any other person in this world. He doesn’t talk about God and how Awesome God works and how he works in his life but instead he steps aside and waits on and watches God do his work through him. That is why I say that he is perfect for me. He never judges me. Even when I tell him of the crazy psychosis I have and what is going on with me he doesn’t ever think I am crazy. He makes me feel like all things happen for a reason and that all things that happen to me aren’t just delusions but that they are real and really are happening to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that my husband is actually Christ himself but that Christ works through him. I will only know the real truth when I enter heaven, God willing, and then Christ will reveal what he wants me to know then.
CHAPTER 9 Psychosis is very real
This leads me to the fact that all things that happen to you or I are really happening to us. I don’t believe that delusions are possible to the believer. To a non believer probably yes. People of faith know that things can happen and will happen to them that you cannot explain. God has performed miracles from the beginning when there was nothing to every day answering of our prayers. People with out faith cannot see what God is doing in their lives so they are blind to his miracles and supernatural realm. They probably see delusions brought on by the enemy. The enemy used delusions in the craziness of Andrea Yates when she drowns her children. God would never ask you to take a life for he said, “ Thou shalt not kill” in the Old Testament. That order that she thought came from God really came from the devil. She obviously wasn’t firmly enough rooted in the word of God and didn’t know him very well. That is when craziness and mental illness gets its bad name and people automatically think that since you have a mental illness that you are less than good. Or that you are a spoiled fruit and that anything you say or do is not valid or of use because how do they know that what you are saying is of a clear and stable thought pattern. It is hard to tell someone that you would never hurt your children and ask them to really believe you since you have schizophrenia attached to your life profile. Mentally ill patients tend to be unstable and to do things that are out of the ordinary. I can say thank you Jesus for giving me the power over my mental illness that no body can trick me into hurting another human being especially my children. That is only because I was raised in the faith and have a close personal relationship with God and I know that I cannot do a thing without him. I can’t breathe without God. Yes it was hard to go from being this perfect nun who aspired this great life to God saying no you are going to have to sin and live as a sinner and I am going to allow this mental illness to affect you to break you down to nothing and show you how much of a nothing you really are. He has been with me through all of it he has shared things about himself that I would have never known without my psychosis and I thank him for all of it. During my last pregnancy I had such bad psychosis that I thought that my son was conceived by the Holy Spirit and that he was the second coming of Christ. I saw religious symbols in his ultrasound and I thought that God was setting in motion the beginning and the end for me and my son that there were no boundaries and that God had to anchor our souls down to something to keep us from falling eternally.
When I was pregnant with my last child I saw Satan fall from the sky and land on the highway. God kicked him out of heaven. Satan tried to get back in and God said no. I believe that what I saw was real. For my eyes only to see the work of God at that time and some times God only wants to reveal him to you.
CHAPTER 10 God can and will heal you
God can heal his children of mental illness if he so wills to do so. He may have a reason for you or I to have the mental illness at the time but his ways are of goodness for us so if this mental illness cannot be used for good then he will heal you of it. I do believe in miracles and I believe that most of my psychosis and the hard days are over now as far as the schizophrenia is concerned. I think that God used it for his purpose and taught me how to battle the enemy. I will have to take medication for the rest of my life so my psychiatrist tells me, but the worst is done and over with. Only because of my faith in God and his protecting and healing power was I capable of overcoming my illness. So, if anyone is mentally ill then they must first Believe in God then keep the faith and pray and seek God as much as possible. Your healing will be eminent. Good luck and God Bless.