My Father's Cancer
Cancer is a vicious disease.
My dad died of pancreatic cancer in June 2006. Five days after my birthday. It was the most disconnected and heart breaking time of my life. I didn't know how to handle all of the emotions that were coming out of me. I wanted to stuff them all down and not feel anything and escape. The first time he was diagnosed was in 2003. He had some chemotherapy and it went away. When it came back in 2006 it was determined fatal which was devastating on all of us.
A part of you dies when one of your parents die. I can't really explain the feeling, but even when you accept the loss, you still feel like something is never recovered. That something is missing. When he passed I felt like something was being torn away from my body and I felt like screaming. And I did scream and cry and cried some more. I felt like I was going to die from the pain and I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.
My father and I weren't very close. We barely talked. There was somewhat of a language barrier, but other than that I never knew how to relate to him in a lot of ways. On the positive side he was extremely funny. On the other side there was this distance and a lot of resentment. A lot of heartache. I couldn't stand the pain of him being sick though. I felt close to him in spirit when he was sick. It was the strangest thing.
I never really knew how he felt about being my father until I had a spiritual experience while driving his car a few week's after his death. It was the most beautiful and gentle experience I've ever had with my father. He apologized to me for everything he ever did that hurt me and I could feel his whole spirit. He knew what kind of problems I was having then too, he saw everything and felt sorrow that I was going through that. He wanted to help me and say it wasn't my fault. All the bad relationships and all of the pain I went through he saw. He also let me know that I should love myself. I was his daughter then and he was my dad like he had never been before.
At that moment I cried, and all was forgiven. All of the resentments I had and disconnectedness went away and I felt a bond with him that I've never had before. One that I had always wanted growing up. And as I kept driving on that rainy hot summer day I felt happy and at peace like I never did before. I listened to his cds while driving and smiled to myself.
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