Overcoming the Feeling of Fear
My Fear Was My Prison
From as far back as I can remember I have felt fearful. Fear that throughout my life has shackled my dreams many times. My fear was my prison in making; sad, lonely, and full of smiles I was faking. I knew the way I felt fearful all the time could not be right. But, how in the world could I turn it around and see the bright, beautiful light of life?
My First Fearful Memories
As a young girl of three I remember feeling fearful that my mom would not come home to get me. Most children cry for a moment or maybe even a few minutes, not me, I would cry for hours. Hours upon hours of heart wrenching tears due to the fear that my mom would not reappear. Where did this fear come from? I do not know. What I do know, is that it did not disappear but only grew into despair. Sadly it was just the beginning of my prison built on tears and fear.
My Youthful Memories Full Of Fear
As I got a little older, like eight or nine, my fears were not diminished but amplified. I was bullied at school which created a weak, little, fearful, fool. I would do my best to be invisible in class and at recess I could not escape from being harassed. My best bully buddies had discovered my fear and from then on out they never disappeared. My prison of torment and fear was ever so great throughout these years.
My Teenage Years Focused On Fear
As I grew to be a teen I was full of forbidden dreams. I hoped to be a girl with friends and boyfriends; not a social misfit. I attempted to fit into the teenage mold but it was not in the cards as my fear took hold. I was scared to talk to other kids much less make friends. I thought, “Why would someone want to be my friend I have nothing to give.” After all I was not a beauty, or even thin, I wasn’t comical or even intelligent within. Self-Esteem was not even a piece of me; instead fear controlled my very being.
As A Young Adult My Fear Perilously Persisted
A young woman I did grow to be. My fear subsided enough to attract a husband for me. At nineteen I was now a wife; A mommy of three by twenty five. Throughout those years I lived in my same old fear. Although some of the factors had changed I continued to be bound to my chains. I was forever scared at what my husband might do; what if he found a girl who was prettier and thinner too. I could not go back to school to attain my college degree, because I was too busy making sure he did not abandon me.
Realizing That Fear Had Nearly Won
But abandon he did do; leaving me so sad and blue. I was still so young and now fully responsible for my daughter and sons. It was around this time that I opened my eyes. I recognized that fear had been destroying my life. Couragous I needed to be; for my family and for me.
Fear Be Gone
Through self-reflection I realized all of this fear was my way of attempting to have some control over my life. My dad was an abusive alcoholic who often cursed and screamed at the top of his lungs. My reaction to my dad was to hide and my head I simply hung. My mom suffered from codependence to the point that herself she could not protect; much less three little girls from a man who was sick.
Sure, I was bullied by children who would not be my friends but what in their lives was happening to them. I may have married a man who cheated and hit, that I regret. But the babies God blessed me with will forever bring happy memories I will not forget.
Fear Will Not Be My Prison Forever More
I do not have to be afraid, I will fear no more. I will give my insecurities to the Lord. It has taken far too many years to realize:
- · I make a difference
- · I am loveable
- · I am beautiful (inside & out)
- · I am worthy of forgiveness
- · I am loving
- · I am kind
- · I do not have to be fearful
So if any of you feel that you are living your lives in a handmade prison of fear. Look at yourself and realize:
- · you ARE worth while
- · you DO deserve to break down the wall of that prison
- · you have MANY positive qualities
- · you are NOT alone
- · PLEASE do not give up on yourself
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