My Soul Screams to be fed.

Life goes on.....

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” ~Robert Frost~

I have used this quote in many blogs, I use as my signature line, Life goes on....

And it does, no matter what life throws us, no matter what life does to us, no matter what life gives us, it goes on. And it does.

I suffer panic, I have PTSD, I have panic disorder. And the many traits that at times are side by side with these disorders. I am compulsive. I am agoraphobic. I suffer many disorders all wrapped up into one, or many. However you wish to deem it. But the bottom line is at times they are devastating, numbing, reeling.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened.

Agoraphobia is the fear of being in a situation where one might experience anxiety or panic and where escape from the situation might be difficult or embarrassing. People with agoraphobia may feel anxious about such things as loss of bladder or bowel control or choking on food in the presence of others. They also might feel anxious about being home alone, leaving home, or being in a crowded place, such as on public transportation or in an elevator, where it might be difficult or embarrassing to find a way out. To avoid the anxiety associated with these situations they refrain from putting themselves into such situations.

These stem from abuse in my past, being a domestic violence survivor. Some stem I believe from circumstances beyond my control. Some I have no idea where they come from. Be it an environmental situation, genetics, or just all on its own. And then to top it all off, I became a widow for the very first time at the age of 52. Which only added to the other conditions.

I have a lot of sadness, anger, grief, depression, I isolate myself at times thinking that I am all alone in this great big world. And then I realize there are many who suffer these same conditions. We are not alone, there are wonderful people out there, supportive people. There is hope! I for one have to hang onto that hope, for that is all I have some days. That is all there is some days. Hope and faith.

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." ~Emmanuel Teney~


I did not mean this to be about all the disorders I suffer, I meant this to be about having something to hang onto, having something that we can envision in our life, when nothing else seems to fit. That feeling that there is something more out there, and it is possible.


Hope and faith. I wear a bracelet around my wrist with a mustard seed in the middle. A tiny mustard seed of faith. For when you plant one tiny seed of faith, it grows. Some days that is all I have to hang onto, that mustard seed of faith. Faith that life will get better, that this panic will be overcome, that my PTSD will go away, will just slip into the darkness from where it came. That once again I will be able to go out into life and enjoy all that it has to offer.

Look at how tiny a mustard seed is. And just think, that is all the faith needed to overcome, even when overwhelmed. A mustard seed. One tiny grain of faith. Hang on. There is that single seed of faith that brings hope. I know it seems small. I asked myself that many times, how can one tiny seed give me the faith to get up every day and do "life". I am not saying this is a cure, or even a coping techinque, but it is faith. Faith and hope to hang on and even in those darkest moments, hang onto that faith and hope.

It has.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher~

 

 

The Bible, Matthew 17:20
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move."

Look at the beauty that mustard seeds can bring. And the majestic stunning awe they produce.

Amazing how one little mustard seed can make a difference.

 

Life goes on.....

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Comments 21 comments

IvoryMelodies profile image

IvoryMelodies 6 years ago

Great hub, Laurie. I can only imagine what you go through, but you are correct. There is always HOPE! Love the quote from Mary Anne Radmacher. I feel that way a lot. You are in prayers.


_cheryl_ profile image

_cheryl_ 6 years ago from California

So true, life does go on and with faith, hope and courage, it't all we need to start a good foundation towards the having the best possible attitude about our life as it comes. I've only had to deal with a one time episode of a panic attack, and it was so horrifying. You seem to have the right mindset in dealing with PTSD, wishing you the best along with millions more mustard seeds to get you through each day! =)


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thank you Ivory. There is always that HOPE! And FAITH! Without that I am not sure where I would be today, and all I can say is always keep moving forward! And prayers are always a good thing!

Well wishes.


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thank you Cheryl! Thank you for your good wishes, and for your compliment. :) And may you always have mustard seeds too!

Well wishes.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, welcome to hubpages, and I hope you have a great time here, take care, nell


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thank you for your warm welcome Nell Rose. :) It is nice to find a place such as this.

Well wishes,

Laurie


KillerIdeas profile image

KillerIdeas 6 years ago from Phoenix Arizona

Laurie,

Excellent Hub! Your savage self honesty is always inspirational and motivational to read. The mustard seed is such a great symbol of a grain of faith being all you need to overcome the adversities of our personal struggles. Life does go on, and the universe is not required to respond to our hopes, dreams or anguish. This Hub is a great example of living life on life's terms and the power of faith in the heart of one human heart.

Thanks for such a great Hub.

AJ


AngRose profile image

AngRose 6 years ago

Laurie,

Keep hanging in there, you have what it takes to make it through this. Great hub, great opening up yourself to us.

Angie


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thank you AJ. It is highly appreciated your comments and your kindness. So many times I look down at that tiny mustard seed and have just that bit of faith. And it gets me through the days!

Thanks for stopping by!

Laurie


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thanks Angie!

I have found that opening myself up helps in the recovery process. Along with having a great support system.

Laurie


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge

"Agoraphobia -To avoid the anxiety associated with these situations they refrain from putting themselves into such situations." And because we avoid, out of necessity, some times people begin to avoid us, yes? How can you explain to someone that if you just go sit outside someone may come and ask something of you that you don't have to give any longer? That if you leave your home and discover that you've suddenly forgotten how to use a debit card or write a check or .... Definitions of mental illness and personality disorders are so inadequate. So sterile.

But - we run toward hope and faith and not away from fear. We wrap ourselves in the truth of goodness and mercy. You are wise beyond your experiences, my lady. Keep holding on until it diminishes.


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Yes, we hold onto that faith and hope and that one day we shall be cured from these frightful disorders!

I hope that I shall always hold onto faith and hope and may you always do the same.

Laurie


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 6 years ago from Sunny Spain

This is an excellent hub I really enjoyed reading it. Reading this hub reminded me of a line from a song that I heard many years ago.

'A grain of mustard seed is all that you need to make the mountains crumble'


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Greetings Maggs,

Thank you for your kind words. :) It is a pleasure to have you stop by and "meet" you.

What a lovely line from that song!

Blessings,

Laurie


FloBe profile image

FloBe 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Thank you for sharing your very personal struggle that you seek to overcome every day in order to live life. It does take courage to step out in faith and believe that you will be okay even if it doesn't feel like it. I've been there many times and know that courage is only courage when there is a fear to overcome. So, consider yourself an over-comer every time you move forward in courage.


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago Author

Thank you FloBe. :) It does that that courage and faith along with hope to overcome. And hopefully I will never stop trying. For life goes on and we must all over-come and have that day to day faith and hope.

Blessings,

Laurie


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

Laurie , One thing about being a self isolator , is that ,like it or not, we learn how to be alone with ourselves , Which is an important place to know, A lot of people cannot handle that. Such a heavey price to pay though, I wish you peace.


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

LaurieDawn

Oh what a beautiful writing on such pain.I love that verse too. How stunning the mustard seed fields are. Your faith is big. You and I both suffer PTSD. God is so good and all the time. I am sorry for your pain. You give a lot to many here on hub pages. Bless you


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 5 years ago Author

Thank you Ahorseback for your kind and always encourgaring words. They mean so much. Even tho it is not always what I wish, being a self-isolater, it is often what it turns out to be.

Healing Touch-Your name has such a peaceful calm everytime I see it. I think of a loving caress reaching through the void. Thank you for your wonderful words, and I too am sorry that you have to suffer with that horrid PTSD. No one in mind should ever have to suffer. May we be healed one day, and only have those memories that we have written about.

Blessings and hugs,

Laurie


The Stages Of ME profile image

The Stages Of ME 4 years ago

Laurie ~

God Bless you in this Holy week and may your Faith in God get you through every storm in life. Your honesty has surely brought someone lost into the fold. Hugs and many joyful memories to you this season of renewal :)

Peace in your stages


Jubilee 4 years ago

True. All the faith you'll ever need - fits inside a mustard seed. One character training key is giving yourself permission for inch-by-inch growth steps, learn to grieve thru hurtful experiences one at a time, trusting grieving releases the wrongs' bondage, discovering heart+soul wounds can and do heal, and (importantly) practice remembering your good accomplishments and repaired behaviors in action (mentally distinguish between your good choices and others' invalidating responses/reactions).

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