My dementing Mother spit in my face ! ! !

I wrote about this for 2 reason's, one to let other's know they are not alone, and two to release it from my mind, to set it free, to realize there was no direct connection to ME, I was there, it could have been the nurse.

 

Ok... we do the daily routine after a social affair and mom wants to go for a ride in the car...she loves to drive around "and get out of here" as she puts it. And I can appreciate that, we all need to get away occasionally. Although it seems to be less and less time these days, because I think the fast movement of the scenery going by confuses her and though I do take her to the ocean and parks and try to stay away from too much activity like busy city streets and highway driving, it just appears to be too much anymore. Although she knows when to say "Stop"!!, at a stop sign. "or there's a car coming" which is fine...LOL

She doesn't like to get out anymore and walk around, and she says"I can't get in here", or "how do I get out of this thing"?...referring to the car.

So on this particular day after a shorter ride then usual, I take her back to the Home and she lays down for a nap before dinner is served. We have done this many times...I sit and wait till it is time and wake her up for dinner...No problem, she is up in a flash, in fact it worries me sometimes how fast she can jump up out of bed. Like the other day she heard my cell phone ring, and she jumped up, went to her closet door, opened it and said " yes, who's there"?...thinking, I guess it was her frontdoor...

So we went to the dining-room and found her space and sat down to eat (not me, her), and I sat beside her as always. She thinks I am also having dinner... As I have said before her foods are all puréed and sometimes she wants me to feed her, by the end of the day she is tired, so I don't mind cause they tell me she eats so much better when I am there. To keep her hydrated they thicken her juices with a tasteless thickner, because it is so easy for them to inhale the liquids and get pneumonia, or just plain chock. Which is spooned to her at each meal.

At her evening meal the nurse usually gives her some meds, which they crush up and mix with a pudding and place it on a spoon, that way one bite and they have their pills. The nurse handed me the spoon, which was fine I have given her meds before and she opened her mouth, after some coaxing and in it went. Then without any warning she looked at me with such hatred in her eyes as she spit it all into my face. We were all so shocked (the nurse stays to be sure she takes her meds) and my reaction was " Mother, please spitting is not nice, shame on you". She spit again and mumbled something , no one can figure out, shook her hand at me and yelled, "Ya I haven't seen a doctor in over a year"!!! (which of course isn't true she just had a doctor's visit). she just can't remember five minutes ago.

Anyway we finished dinner and I took her back to her room as it was her shower night, set things up and then we said our goodbyes...

I cried all the way home and for another day. It had cut right through my heart and brought up old feelings I thought I had forgotten. Things from the past that I had let go, but they all came rushing right back at me, me who is now in charge and doing everything in my power to make her time left comfortable and happy. Me her first born that she doesn't even remember.

I know she didn't mean it, she just reacted to the chunks of the meds not crushed, they must taste awful, and she was tired, but it was the LOOK in her eyes, there was Hatred there for sure, maybe she was angry with who knows what? There is no way to know where their minds are or what they are worrying about, if they are in pain, or if they are feeling sorry for what they do. What they are thinking , and this was the first time she had ever done that, and I hope is the last.

I go to two support group meetings every month and talked about it, and so I feel better because practically everyone has had this happen and the first time was always the worst...They assured me they felt the same way, but we have to forget things like that; just as quickly as they do, for they know not what they say...

Just be reassured that there are many of us going through this and may God Help us get through it, and not take it to personally. Parents do all they can for their children, in the best way they know how, so now is time for their children to do the same, as we may be there one day...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma

Comments 46 comments

Jackwms profile image

Jackwms 7 years ago

This has to be hard for you, especially since this ie the mother that gave you life,raised you,and inspired the morality that you now have.

Bless you


Sciantel 7 years ago

G-Ma, please don't take it personal. It was Satan that wanted that. Your mother is not at her best anymore, and that is her physical body and not her soul. One day she will be whole again as long as Jesus has always been her Lord. You will see the real her God intended all along. Just keep telling yourself that. That this is her at her worst, but you will see the best, forever one day.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

JACKWMS...Yes it is hard and especially because she did give me the morals I have...I know it is ok, just hurt very much...Thanks for your Kind words. :O) Hugs G-Ma

SCIANTEL...Thank you too sweetie. devil or not I know God is our guide and she is just sick with a mind disease that has no cure, and it is so very sad...I feel sorta bad that it effected me so, but I too am human...it's all okay with such nice people here to vent too...:O) Hugs G-Ma


DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 7 years ago

G-Ma Johnsonn,

It is not easy making decisions what to do for a parent with alzheimers? I think this confirms that you were right to move her. You have been very considerate trying to allow her the freedom to make some choices. Taking her for rides, feeding her... It is not easy. It is good that you had a good cry when she spit on you. As considerate as you are I am sure it had nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one there.

You are a wonderful daughter to try to make her as comfortable as you can for the remainder of her time on this side of heaven. Thank you for sharing and be encouraged

Blessings


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

DeBorrah...Thank you dear for those nice words...and I do realize what is happening is not easy tho...:O) Hugs G-Ma


IslandVoice profile image

IslandVoice 7 years ago from Hawaii

Love will see you through G-Ma, and love will conquer all. May God continue to give you the grace and the strength to be there for your mom. Thanks for sharing.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

I worked in a dementia care unit and it has to be one of the saddest periods of my life. Good luck, G-ma!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I know you know it, you're doing the right thing... regardless of the past, regardless of the future. You are stepping in when it's right. Take courage and love from your family here. We do love you! And for the hundreds of 'hugs' you've handed out.. here's another returned to you!.. *HUGS* :O)


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

I am so sorry, G-Ma!!!

I know that dementia can be bad :my Gradma had it, so my experiences are not nice.She was also on pills doctor gave her... I took once only one pill from various ones she drunk every day, (this pill was supposed to be for calming down, tranquiliser), but I fell asleep 1/2 hour later in public transport and hardly found way to my home... could not controll my body nor mind... Today I am very sure that her dementia was in bigger part caused by medicaments and I wonder what would happen to her if she was on some natural treatment... Maybe her life would not be longer, but I am sure that it would be of much higher quality.

I would not mention that if your Mum´s spiting and expression of hate did not happen after taking pills. It reminds me so much on my Grandma - hate and sound-hallucinations...and pills....

It is really difficult to give any advice - because every case is very specific, so just to know that my prayers, Love and hugs are with both of you.


Alissa1985 profile image

Alissa1985 7 years ago from Arkansas

OH G-ma I am so sorry. I know how painful that must feel. Before my grandma passed away she actually did that to my grandpa. He was trying to get her to take her meds and she spit it back in his face cussing him while she did it. My grandmother was a VERY religious woman and I could never imagine that she would do that. But at this point they really can't help it.

I know that you have said that yall have a past that hurts. But please don't take it to heart. It can be very hard sometimes not to. Here is a great big hug for you! ~OOO~ Love you!

BTW the email was beautiful!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

ISLANDVOICE...thank you my dear and I do know God is with me I feel His presence...:O) Hugs

CINDYVINE...Bless you my dear it is very sad indeed...:O) Hugs

CANDIE V...aww sweetie thank you and I do appreciate the hugs too, hey we missed this last thurs...oh well more to come...:o) Hugs

TATJANA...well for my mom she is on very few meds...it is more the disease that is her problem...sorry about your G-Ma and I do so appreciate you commenting Thank you...:O) Hugs

ALISSA...GOOD i AM GLAD YOU ENJOYED THAT...AND YES I REALIZE SHE DIDN'T MEAN ME ANY HARM, IT WAS JUST SO UN-LIKE HER AND i WAS NOT ready for that to happen...it was such a surprise to all of us there...I am fine Thank You sweet one...:O) HUGS


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 7 years ago from Central United States of America

G-Ma, it was not YOU she spat at, and it was not HER that spat - it was disease and helplessness...the whole story...I am glad you cried it out - sorrowful tears do cleanse out toxic chemicals from our body. God gave them to us to use. And He gives you hope and perserverence, and you will receive a special reward for your third-mile caring.

Blessings and strength to you always.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

frogyfish/...yes my dear I am sure of all you said...just sometimes I need to let it all out, I know you understand...God Bless You and the wife...:O) Hugs


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

G-ma, I can imagine how you felt, but you know it's not personal. Think of the good times you've had with her instead. :)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Feline...I know sweetie I know and i do, was just such a surprise and didn't see it coming....Thanks...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Pachuca213 7 years ago

I am so sorry ...this must be so difficult for you. Hang in there! We love you G-ma! (HUGS)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Pachuca...Thanks angel I know you do...mostly venting I guess...:O) HUGS G-Ma


crayonbrains profile image

crayonbrains 7 years ago from The World Is Mine !

Sorry to know this G-MA..you must be very hurt! But please never forget this God has chosen you to take care of your mom, nobody else could have done it better thats why you are there! Thats how God reaches out to people! You have the power to forgive and forget!I know you will find it in your heart to do so! God bless you G-Ma!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

crayon...yes dear is done...was just such a surprise thing never done before...and I know HE is in control Thanks sweetie...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

Ah G-Ma, I so feel for you...


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Misha..ok..:O) how do I feel???ha ha thank you dear, but I will be ok , I have my support groups I go to...and you all here are so thoughtful..God Bless..how are you by the way, and nice new pic...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

Thanks G-Ma, I am OK. :) The pic is pretty recent, just a few weeks ago, taken back home in Moscow, the trip I enjoyed a lot. :)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

cool..so you had a nice trip then Great...:O) Hugs


SirDent 7 years ago

(((HUGS)))


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

G'Ma, I miss my mom so much, I think of her every day with a tear though she has been gone for almost 12 years. She was almost 82-- though all of her most recent friends were astounded to find that out.

She still had "all her marbles" and was in pretty good health, but was a bit stressed by her painful knee with no cartilege left.

She had a 'successful' knee replacement surgery and a clot two days later which killed her. My Dad, her partner for 60 years, had gone before four years before her, but she was doing her best to be independent.

She had known others who had 'lost it'in their declining years and always told us if she went that way we 'should just shoot her'.

As I said, I still miss her terribly and know she could have had many more good years, but perhaps her quick exit is what she really wanted. She didn't want to be "a burden".

I admire your caring attitude, especially throughout the most difficult times. I know you have a lot of love, and we love you.


heyju profile image

heyju 7 years ago

G-Ma,

Bless you. I can tell how much you love your mother. Your right, our parents take care of our needs and now it's time to do the same for them and hope our children will be there for us. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

SIR DENT...Thanks I know you understand...:O) Hugs

ROCHELLE...Am sorry for your loss and one day I shall be there too...and hard as it is I do understand...:O) Hugs

HEYJA...thank you also for commenting and indeed it is true and hoping not to be a burden, I just want to go fast...:O) But God's Will be done...:O) Hugs


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

G-Ma

I'm sorry that the incident made you cru (hugs). But what matters is that you know that in her heart's heart she loves you so even if she has forgotten that she does. That's what memories for I guess. Thanks for sharing, it must have been difficult to do so.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

It's ok I am over it now and she is a dear ...God Bless her ...:O) Thanks sweetie Hugs back G-Ma


Benjimester profile image

Benjimester 7 years ago from San Diego, California

G-ma, that sounds like a pretty tough experience. I don't know how anyone could handle something like that well. It's really cool that you have two support groups you can go to. I'm sure that helps immensely. I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Benji...Thanks sweet one...we can use them always...:O) Hugs G-Ma


dayzeebee profile image

dayzeebee 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Hi G-Ma, I love you and thank you for being brave enough to share your experience and get back up knowing full well that it is all part of the process of cleansing ourselves from old wounds. I pray that more strength be given to you as you continue to serve your mother with love. Hugs:)


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

dayzeebee...Thank you angel...I do need all the strength I can find..each day is harder and harder for her as well as me, feeling so helpless...all I can do is be there , feed her and take her for rides, that 5 min. later she has forgotten...God is my guide and I know it... :O) Hugs


cindizzj@yahoo.co profile image

cindizzj@yahoo.co 7 years ago from Northern California

Mom,

I am glad you feel better about what she did and the support groups are so important. It is wonderful how dedicated you are to her, and even taking the time to go tho the support groups is a very giving and unselfish act. I love you and I think part of you publishing all this stuff is for us kids (yours).

I love you, and if you ever need the sort of care grandma needs from you, you will get it from me. Thought I would say that, since you wont know if it happens.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Ha Ha... I won't will I...LOL I Love you too sweet one...and yes the groups are a big help and anyone going through this would do themselves a favor by attending them...:O) Hugs MOM


soyelude profile image

soyelude 7 years ago from Lagos - Nigeria

Well done...I am sure she did'nt mean it the way you see it. At a certain age senility turns them into babies again.The same way she went to the door when your cell phone rang! Well done...keep trying! You have such a large heart and mothers deserve it too. Well done dearie...hugs


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Yep...your are here again...:O) :O) and yes I do understand my friend, more then you can imagine...Thanks and God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

I am so sad to hear you are going through this G-Ma, but I am certain you will stay strong, and that one day, on the other side, your Mum will thank you for this.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

thank you misty and I know, and even if she doesn't God had a plan and we must follow...:O) Hugs G-Ma


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

So very true, everything happens for a reason, even if not obvious to us at the time. Hugs


Minilady profile image

Minilady 7 years ago

I just found you on hub pages...I know how you must be feeling..Our family went through a bad time with my father-in-law and I learned how hard it is for caregivers.

Take care!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

Thank you Minilady...yes it is a big job...:O) Hugs G-Ma


franki79 7 years ago

I'm sorry ur family is going throgh this.

franki


s.o 5 years ago

this is an old story it seems, i dont like to remind u of it, but the same happened to me yesterday and i cant talk to anyone about it because i find it humiliating.. it was my father actually and he meant it, and now i feel like i dont wanna stay in this house any more, crying even doesnt relieve me.. u can forgive ur mother bec she didnt know what she is doing, but how can i forgive him


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 5 years ago from NW in the land of the Free Author

s.o.... sorry to hear that. I really don't know what to tell you because I don't know the circumstances...His age, is he sick, have you always gotten along? so many things can be involved...

He may have just lost control, or was so upset he had no words to say what he really felt, sometimes a person just is lost within and can't express what he was really feeling...

Yes I forgave my Mother as you must do for your Father, but I must tell you it Hurt, and was also humiliating as it was in front of everyone, with gasps from them also...I always try to remember God won't test you beyond what He knows you can handle...

My Best for you and my Prayers...:O) Hugs G-Ma


s.o 5 years ago

"God won't test you beyond what He knows you can handle" yeah God said nearly the same words in my religion, u r wise G-Ma, thx for ur words :)

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