Not to Quit

I guess it would be to not quit. I have smoked regularly since I thought about not quitting. I blame it on everything from being out of work, to being stressed, being bored, to losing my mind if I don't smoke but I know its all about me and my inability to quit smoking. I make ends meet, look for change between sofa cushioning and car seats just to get enough monies to smoke. This is a bunch of foolishness, when will it end. I know it will end when I grow tired of smoking, and spending my last on the hope that I will have one last drag on a cigarette. Each time I get down to that last smoke of the day, I promise myself I will quit. I now owe my daughter over a hundred dollars because I started back smoking like five times since I decided not to smoke ever again. I hate the way my apartment smells, yuck, so now I force myself to go out on the balcony and smoke. I hate that I am causing second hand smoke to those that live with me and enter into my residence...sad yet I keep doing it. Why? This is truly my 2nd addiction a lot more fatal than the 1st and I guess should actually be my first. I have gone back and forth with trying to quit smoking. Each time I have quit smoking, I lied to my family and friends that I quit smoking only to start back up again within less than a few months of actually quitting. I feel bad when I start back, hiding from people, the lies. My daughter who is now 13 years old, I was hiding my smoking even from her, but she wasn't stupid, I'm not really sure if I am really hiding my smoking habits from my family and friends or not, do they know I am still smoking? I wonder if they can smell the cigarette smoke on me, how dumb do I look if they already know . I am ashamed that I came so far to fail. I tried really hard to quit in July of 2009. I went through it all for two months I quit, no smoking. I started back up with cigar smoking, thought it was better that way, hey it wasn't a cigarette, I thought, trying to convince myself what I was doing was OK. Deep down inside I know I am only hurting myself, and my daughter. I think about dying, leaving her at an early age as my mom did to me. She didn't die of cancer, something so much worse-cocaine overdose. Even as I write this, I try so hard to not think of smoking. I think I can stop when I want to, that I'm strong enough, when in reality I am weaker than I've ever been. I started smoking when I was as young as 16 years old. I stole cigarettes from my dad and would sneak out in the backyard to take a drag on a cigarette. I don't even know why I was smoking, maybe I thought it was cool, not sure. I didn't pick it up as a habit until after I had my daughter. I started going out more, drinking when I went out, and smoking. It became my antidote to stress, or so I made myself believe that. Whenever I tried to quit, the habit just kept knocking at my door. The more stressed I got, the easier it was for me to smoke. I am 32 years old, I am a single mother of one, and I want to quit smoking, and help raise awareness while I begin my journey on quitting. The last time I tried to quit I kept a journal of how I was feeling each day that went by, and it was extremely hard, to read how the habit had taken over me, mentally and physically. It's a rough journey, cigarette smoking is an addiction, it weighs you down and it destroys you. I need to quit smoking because I want to quit smoking, its just easier said than done.

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