Old Age Benefits
Old Age Benefits and Old Age Alerts
It is said that as you get older, you get wiser. Have you heard that, too? The only wiser I get has a ‘Bud’ in front of it. But I have learned of multiple old age benefits over time, and I am delighted to share them with you – in rhyme.
Wait a minute. Do I hear you thinking, “What makes me so qualified?” Well, I am older than dirt, although I am not as old as Methuselah who was reported to have lived to the age of 969 in Biblical times.
Cab Calloway "It Ain't Necessarily So"
“It Ain't Necessarily So" – music by George Gershwin, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, from the Gershwins' opera, Porgy and Bess.
Forgive me while I digress for a moment and share my favorite song lyric about that aged icon. The song: “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” The lyric is as follows:
“Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . But who calls dat livin’ . . . When no gal’ll give in . . . To no man who’s 900 years!”
If the truth be told, I am not that old,
I hold my temper and ‘make do.’
When someone calls me at 9:00 PM
And asks, “Sorry, did I wake you?”
Old Age Benefits
• Whatever you purchase from this point on will not wear out.
. . . Only problem – you will need strength for the price tag – to tear out.
• You can order the Senior Special without telling little white lies.
. . . So go ahead and enjoy those discounted French fries.
• You can eat supper any time you want after 4:00 PM.
. . . Then you’ll have time before bedtime for a rewarding BM.
• ‘Happy hour’ for you is a refreshing nap.
. . . You don’t have to sit in a bar list’ning to rap.
”He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled.” - Gene Fowler
'Gigi' 1958 Hermione Gingold & Maurice Chevalier "I Remember It Well"
• Getting lucky is finding your car in the parking lot.
. . . Before, it meant that your partner found the right spot.
• You have learned not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
. . . Experience will soon teach you what is wrong … and what is right.
• People will no longer see you as a hypochondriac.
. . . You can complain all you want about your neck and your back.
• Although you may think it’s a curse,
. . . Believe me, your eyes will not get much worse.
• You cannot be tried by a jury of your peers I’m told.
. . . Why not? Because there are none available that old.
• You can sit in a rocking chair and offer no resistance,
. . . Though you cannot get it started without some assistance.
• You can forecast the weather when your joints give you pain.
. . . Weathermen call you to learn will there be sunshine or rain?
• Your doctor says, 'I have good news and bad,' without any tact.
. . . The good news is: that you are not a hypochondriac.
• Your family always offers a ride – what a deal!
. . . Why? Because they do not want you behind the wheel.
• You search for your glasses, even under the bed
.. . . Where do you find them? On top of your head!
• You welcome an "all-nighter" but it’s not a spree,
. . . It means you did not have to get up to pee!
• No one expects you to move very fast.
. . . You conserve your strength so it will last.
• Now you are wise enough to watch your step,
. . . But you don’t go out, you have lost all your pep.
• In a hostage situation, you may feel hunger and thirst,
. . . But do not worry, they are likely to release you first.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
… But you still have your health, knock on wood.
Old Age Alerts
What to look out for wherever you go,
But then again, you already know:
• Steps are much higher.
• Small print is smaller.
• It takes more time to light your fire.
• Everyone else is taller.
• Small hills are steeper.
• Stairs are much longer.
• You often sleep in a sleeper,
• You dance the waltz, not the conga.
"I Forgot Song" - Tom Rush
• You argue with others about Social Security,
. . . Government spending, and bottled water purity.
• You enjoyed seeing that film, “Something’s Got to Give.”
. . . Now will someone please tell you on which street you live?
• You straighten out the wrinkles in your socks – there are many.
. . . Oh, wait a minute, you just noticed you aren't wearing any.
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” - Mark Twain
• Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
. . . Your back goes out … although you don’t.
• When you sleep all stretched out on the bed,
. . . Your family worries that you are dead.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and say, ‘Hiya,’’
. . . To nearby campers who form a circle and sing, 'Kumbaya.'
"The trick is growing up without growing old." - Casey Stengel
• You keep repeating yourself.
. . . You keep repeating yourself.
• You get the hotel bill for $200 a night and you holler,
. . . You remember when a room at Motel 6 was just six dollars.
• It will take two tries – that is your mission,
. . . When rising from a sitting position.
• Your assets are lower, in front and behind.
. . . You walk much slower, But you still have your mind!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” - Mark Twain
'Philosophy for Old Age - George Carlin
To reward you for reading this far, here is my favorite “old age” joke: This old fellow, I’ll call him Sam, goes to a new doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor – Sam, you are in great shape for a sixty-year old.
Sam – Who says I’m sixty years old?
Doctor – You’re not sixty? How old are you?
Sam – I will be eighty next month.
Doctor – That’s remarkable. Eighty? Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
Sam – Who says my father is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead?
Sam – Nope, he will be 104 this year!
Doctor – With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
Sam – Who says my grandfather is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead???
Sam – Nope, he will be 126 this year and he’s getting married next week.
Doctor – OMG! Why at his age would he want to get married?
Sam – Who says he wants to?
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." – Mark Twain
© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"
- Betty White Everything Old is New Again
Betty White isn't all that old. If you watch her hilarious, boisterous antics in movies and television, you would swear she is going on 39.
- Betty White Back on TV
Betty White, funny as ever, is back on television in a new series ...
- Getting Older Ain't a Problem - You Just Have to Liv...
Groucho Marx said getting older isn't a problem - you just have to live long enough. So here are suggestions for becoming a centenarian.
More "Old Age" Hubs
- Oldest Worker Award Sally Gordon Age 101
At the age of 101, Sally Gordon won America's Outstanding Oldest Worker Award for 2010, at a ceremony in Lincoln, Nebraska.
- Old Age Ain't for Sissies
"The young don't know it yet but old age ain't for sissies." -Bette Davis. I have discovered a marvelous way to fight agism and disrespect with humor and laughter.
- Andy Rooney Praises Women Over 50
Andy Rooney had lavish words of praise about women of a certain age. You know Andy. He is witty. He is funny. He has formidable eyebrows.
More by this Author
Why are difficult people difficult in the first place? Almost any competent psychologist can tell you the answer. Because they get a payoff when they are being difficult. How should you react to them?
Color Therapy – What is it? Where did it begin? How does it work? What are Chakras? And most importantly, how can you perform color therapy on yourself?
Good news! I have invented a praiseworthy process for interviewing famous people who are no longer around . . . to defend themselves . . . or sue for libel. After my first interview with Genghis Khan ...