On F**king Edge Today
Time cannot move forward quick enough for me.
I keep reading it may take up to 40 days, repeat 40 F**king days to rid my body of the Effexor that I had been taking. I cannot wait for the day when it does not feel like it occupies most of my waking thoughts.
The worst part is when I finally am physically and mentally exhausted. I lie down and prepare to go to sleep but that is when all the weird new symptoms emerge. Well just for example last nights barrel of fun of nightly adventures went like this. I lie down freezing, I have on winter socks, pj's a down comforter, an additional blanket all pulled up around me like I am in an igloo or something. Nothing seems to be working, I even enlisted the body heat from my daughters 6 month old puppy, Avery. Poor dog.
I finally start to drift off to sleep, trying to ignore the aches and pains in my arms and legs. They feel as if I tried to chop down a 100 year old tree with a dull spoon. I still have slight brain zaps and the occasional chill but I am starting to drift off, hurray.
I then wake up, wide awake knowing full well something is really amiss. It has barely been 2 hours and I am soaking wet. I mean like I have at least 104 degree fever. No such luck it's more like some horrible night sweats from the medication leaving my body. Lucky me. I have also gotten very sarcastic. A lovely trait which I thought I had broken myself of when my daughters feelings got hurt at around 4 years of age. I digress.
I strip off all my clothes, the extra blankets, even moving the dog further from me just so that I can try to dry off and get cool. This just sucks but I'm still alive, barely. I fall back to sleep fairly easy. Just when I thought I might have a restful nights sleep the nightmares begin. Not the usual falling or losing your car or maybe even flying without knowing how to land sort of dream. No I have this awful nightmare of somehow being a teenager again. Now my daughter is 17 and her life isn't that bad but mine back then sucked big time.
Here I was this teenage girl and somehow I am kidnapped. Now back when I was a teen I would have gladly gone with a stranger to escape my family. This was different. I am kidnapped and held by two very strange men. Not sure what their plans were but we then encounter two really creepy ones who plan on taking me from the first two and continually raping me before killing me. They told me this.
So my lovely restful night has now made an abrupt turn to Hell. I dream of every scenario of escaping. At one point I am on top of a shed or barn walking along the roof top trying to avoid contact with these deranged men. Even in my sleep I know this is all wrong, can't really be true but I still go threw the motions.
I finally struggle wake. Once again soaking wet from detoxing and dreaming. The poor puppy looks at me as if to say "please go to sleep". It is way to early to even think about rising and it feels as if sleep has barely touched my body. What fun this whole stopping Effexor has been.
My Pilates teacher tried to talk me into going back on it today. Can you believe that one. I was adamant that I would not go back to this poisonous drug. That I had worked for 6 months to get to this point and would not surrender that easily. She then gave up trying to talk "sense" into me and we continued to work out.
Unless you've been here, had to go threw some type of withdrawals/detox you can't fathom what it is I am experiencing. It feels more and more like Hell with each and every passing day. I know there will be some sort of hump and this will take a turn but for right now I am having a hard time seeing that light at the end of that long narrow tunnel. I am slightly on edge and would love to wring someones throat to feel better right now.
I once again will try to attempt an elusive "good nights sleep". I am running an herb bath, will add lavender oil, epsom salts and baking soda and hope these soak some of the aches and pains out of my muscles and relax the rest. I have a friend bringing me some Sleepytime Tea. I can only hope I won't break down when he drops it off. I already cried over his driving me to the bank today. I said I was on edge didn't I? Oh by the way I did. I cried and cried over the tiniest of things. He couldn't find me the right Bandaid. Told you it was trivial.
Well wish me luck, send me some words of encouragement if you have any experience in this arena. I just need to know there is light at the end of this Hellish tunnel.
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