Personality Disorder Questionnaire. What’s your flavor of insane?
Before I get started, I feel I should say a few things to avoid misunderstandings further on down the line. This quiz is homemade and meant for enjoyment purposes only. While it does cover a number of prevalent personality disorders, it is in no way meant as a tool for self-diagnosis. And, of course, no insult or offense of any kind is intended to anyone.
With the disclaimer gobbledygook out of the way, I’ll be frank: Sanity is a myth. It is, in effect, a mass hallucination. I’ve never met a sane person, nor do I know any psychologists who believe in sanity.
At best, sanity is a reference point, established by general consensus, of how people should think and behave in daily life. Deviating from the concept is expected, as failing to do so is only accomplished by the dead and the comatose.
Thus, we are all insane—round the twist, bonkers, batshit, unhinged, not quite right, have issues, not playing with a full deck, a few sandwiches short of a picnic, Canadian, a Nickelback fan, talking to the faeries, reading Twilight, fit for a dinner jacket with extra long arms, collecting cats, or generally enjoying life.
Most of us have more than one problem. The full list is presented in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) IV. It is only when your disorders cause you emotional anguish or impede you in daily life that professional help may be required.
So, just for shits and giggles, here is a questionnaire to help determine which of your personality disorders is the most prevalent.
1. Your aunt, who helped raise you, has just died. You are given $5,000 and are entrusted with the floral arrangements for the funeral. You—
(a) Break into a sobbing pile of pathetic wussy, blame yourself for not finding a cure for old age in time, entrust the arrangements to a florist because “this it too much to deal with right now,” and spend the rest of the month in tearful contemplation of your own worthlessness.
(b) Go with carnations; they bring out your eyes.
(c) Buy wreathes of alternating apaganthus and cammissonia. Alternating apaganthus and bird of paradise would’ve been more correct, but any flower starting with “B” reminds you of the Banana Phone song and you’d like to avoid individually waxing, washing, and drying each tile in your bathroom five times to get the song out of your head.
(d) Spend six months researching worldwide funerary traditions to come up with the best possible arrangement, miss the funeral without realizing it, and in a fog of self pity and Haagen Daaz, remember that your aunt always loved roses.
(e) Keep the money and snag the flowers from the funeral being held in the church across the street. Bunch of blind, crotchety, blue-haired prunes won’t notice.
2. Your SATs are tomorrow and you haven’t studied. You—
(a) Look through your study sheets, shriek, and spend the night in a fetal position on your bathroom floor, sucking your thumb.
(b) Get a good night’s sleep so you’ll look your best. Once the examiner gets an eyeful of your winning smile, she’ll just give you the answers.
(c) Study diligently all night, sit for the exam, see your desk is dirty, and spend the entire test period scouring your workspace clean with the Clorox, Ajax, and handi-wipes you always keep in your book bag.
(d) Study all night and walk in, ready to take on the world. Halfway through the test, feel a panic attack coming on, and run screaming from the room.
(e) Spend the night getting trashed. Make sure you sit next to a brainiac. Nurse your hangover with a two-hour nap. Then swap exams when you hand them in.
3. You send in a short story to a writer’s fan fiction contest. Six months later, you receive a nasty rejection letter. You—
(a) Ritually flog yourself, because if you can’t learn to write better the normal way, then maybe THE PAIN WILL TEACH YOU!
(b) Stare at the letter in absolute surprise. Spend the rest of the day out with your friends, getting them to agree with you that the only way your genius story could’ve been rejected is if the contest was rigged.
(c) Do nothing. The contest ended three months ago. You weren’t able to resolve the lack of a prompt reply. The guidelines said three months. And three months is three months. Three months is three months. Three months is three months. Three months is three months… What? No, get away from me! (You have since been placed in a mental health facility owing to an incident involving several copper wire brushes, electric hair trimmers, a full tub, three runcible spoons, and one very confused hedgehog.)
(d) Shrug. It’s to be expected. You knew the odds were so far against you that the thought of winning was ludicrous. But, against all reason, you will agonize over your next submission and eagerly enter the contest again next year.
(e) Track down the bastard editor that wrote to you and make him eat his own teeth.
(a) Tighty whities, just like mom used to buy. *sniffles* Oh, God! Mom, I miss you! Why’d you have make me move out of the basement? I’ve been sooo lonely since my pet turtle ran away! Why does everyone always leave me?
(b) None. Why cover up perfection?
(c) In the top drawer, alphabetized by brand, then sub-ordered by color and style.
(d) Boxers. No, briefs. No, wait! Boxers. Hmmm. Boxers cover more and are more socially acceptable. But briefs provide greater support and take up less room. But didn’t I read somewhere a study that said too much pressure can increase the rate of testicular cancer? Hmm. I wonder how they completed their study….
(e) Whatever makes me seem more trustworthy. Say, you wouldn’t be willing to lend me a couple bucks, would you?
5. Favorite color?
(a) Black. In complete darkness, no one can see me. Maybe I’ll just stop existing if I hope hard enough. *returns to cutting self*
(b) Silver. Shine it enough and it makes a mirror.
(c) Rainbow. Except it should be ordered: blue, green, indigo, orange, red, violet, yellow.
(d) Red. No, wait. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red! Blue! Aww, hell with it! White.
(e) Black. Much easier to sneak up on people in the dark.
6. Recurring dream?
(a) What? Who told you? That’s between me, my therapist, and those wonderful faceless people who don’t judge and will never leave me. I know they’re out there somewhere!
(b) I am walking down the red carpet at a Hollywood premiere, the leaders of the world bowing down before my magnificence.
(c) The world is set on fire. And as it burns, it leaves no ash behind. There I exist in the empty void, clean, bodiless, thoughtless, and finally at peace.
(d) I have two heads. One whines, the other logically shoots down these arguments. Then a giant Easter bunny appears and gives birth to a Peep army of marshmallow doom.
(e) I don’t dream.
7. What do you do when you go to a party?
(a) Find a friend I know, cling to him/her for the rest of the night. If I accidentally make an ass of myself, I will drink until I don’t remember what happened. That or throw myself in front of a bus.
(b) The party doesn’t matter. My entrance does. After that, who cares?
(c) Help out in the kitchen. Wind up scrubbing glasses, dishes, and pots all night long.
(d) Get lost in thought trying to figure out what to wear. Never make it out the door.
(e) Go looking for a one night stand. And if there’s a good chance of getting away with it, check the rooms for any errant jewelry or car keys while I’m at it.
Now that I’ve run out of questions to ask and don’t know how to put together anything more sophisticated, figure out which letter you answered the majority of the time (this is what most quizzes do anyway. They just don’t tell you). Then go to the appropriate lettered answer below to figure out what your damage is.
A=Borderline Personality Disorder. AKA: God help you
Borderline Personality Disorder is aptly named, as those who have it are obsessed with borders and extremes. There is no equilibrium of thought or emotion in people with this disorder. Emotion, is in fact the core issue here. It controls them.
The basis for this issue is abandonment. BPDs feel a paralyzing terror over being abandoned by their parents. This carries forward toward all later relationships in life and creates a deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness. They blame themselves for everything, and because they expect the worst, it tends to happen.
BPDs are naturally hypersensitive toward these thoughts and construe all changes as possible acts of abandonment, meaning any form of social interaction is fraught with danger. Likewise, they cannot cope with stress, bad news, or sudden complications in daily life. This can result in breakdowns, sometimes complete psychosis and sometimes a fit of hysterics. This is not simply being emotional. This is a serious issue, characterized by self-destructive acts such as drinking, smoking, drug use, drunk driving, sudden bursts of violence, self-mutilation, and attempted suicide.
You know, I was really hoping to keep this article light-hearted and comedic, but it’s kinda tough when the reader might take offense and hurt himself over it. So I’m just going to back away from this issue in as non-threatening a manner possible.
B=Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Let’s face it folks, if you’ve got Narcissistic Personality Disorder, chances are that you won’t be able to pull yourself away from a mirror long enough to read this. These people are self-obsessed beyond reason and logic. They believe they have a right to special treatment in any situation. They believe they are perfect and spend an incredible amount of time building a persona to best convey this to other people. Any attempt to challenge this persona is met with unadulterated rage until such time as the person has asserted the fact that he is the beat all and end all of the world.
The general theory is that this is a pathological (bordering on psychosis) response to low self-esteem. Sort of the fake it till you make it approach. I personally believe that some people are just born douchebags and end up on JerseyShore.
C=Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. As people who suffer from it call it, CDO
People immediately associate Obssesive Compulsive Disorder with cleanliness, washing your hands, and a focus on order. This is misleading, as these behaviors point more toward mysophobia (fear of germs) than anything else.
OCD comes in two parts: Obsession and Compulsion. Obsession starts with a person unable to get a thought, image, sound, or song from his/her head. It repeats over and over. It’s often a negative thought as well, one that disgusts or bothers the person.
Eventually, the Obsession gives way to a Compulsion, a physical behavior which becomes associated with getting rid of the thought. This can go one of two possible ways.
The more common is behaviors associated with order: cleaning, vacuuming, showering, washing one’s hands, etc. These are the physical embodiment of tidying away and cleaning the mind, creating order. Conversely, anything associated with uncleanliness is to be strictly avoided as it may bring on more Obsessions.
The less common but more destructive behavior is completely random. Compulsions develop because the thoughts eventually go away of their own accord, but the OCD sufferer links banishing the thought with whatever he/she was doing when it went away at the time. Taking this to an extreme, Compulsions can be linked with whatever act the OCD sufferer was considering when the obsessive thought went away.
This can create a seemingly limitless number of compulsions, the worst of which I’ve heard was a college student who boarded up his windows, turned off all the lights, collected his own excretions in jars which he stored in his closet, and refused to leave his room except at midnight, where he would sneak down to the refrigerator. His diet consisted of mayonnaise, non-dairy creamer, milk, ground corned beef, and cocoa powder, consumed in a slurry while making a hissing noise through the teeth.
Of course, had you OCD and not know it, you will once you try to go to sleep tonight and get that image out of your head.
D=Fractured Personality Disorder. Perfect, almost.
Many people have heard of multiple personality disorder. It’s been in all sorts of films, soap operas, and even was the defense used in a number of court cases. In reality, it’s not that common. Fractured Personality Disorder, a more subdued version, is.
Imagine the mind as a diamond. Everything, memories, thoughts, emotions, and all that makes up who a man is, is contained within its structure. The diamond has natural faults, tiny little cracks, weaknesses. Now, subject the diamond to stress, pressure. With enough stress, the cracks widen. Eventually, the diamond breaks into fragments. Each fragment is a different aspect of the mind. Throughout the day, the fragments vie for dominance of the human being. That is why people with Fracture Personality Disorder can be such dichotomies. At times, they are prone to extremes of emotion, displaying panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and extreme anger. Other times, they are in complete control. This is when the logical side of the mind is dominant.
People who write for a living are usually FPDs. Having to deal with constant rejection, logically knowing how low the chances of success in their career path is, while still finding the drive to carry on day after day in what is largely a self-motivating profession can only be explained by a separation of logic and emotion in a fashion which allows the writer to remain functional. As such, FPD is the only answer.
One aspect of note separating FPD from multiple personality disorder is the interplay of experience between fragments. Multiple personalities often aren’t aware of things that go on while another personality is dominant. With FPD, the change between dominant fragments is known as the shift. During the shift, people with FPD may suffer a temporary mental fog. It has been likened to a fugue state or a short but intense internal dialogue. Theoretically this is where memory transference takes place. It should be noted that memory can be a problem with FPD sufferers. They often feel mentally preoccupied, and because of this tend to be thought of as forgetful or absentminded. Clearly, if memory transference is occurring, ability to absorb new information may be impaired. That or they just don’t pay attention.
E=Antisocial Personality Disorder
If you really have this disorder, then I’m glad we’re not talking face to face. This is one of those disorders people are born with, and no one knows why. Probably because no one survives long around APDs. The less correct but more common term for someone with APD is psychopath, or sociopath, if you prefer.
They are consummate liars and manipulators. They can even pass polygraph tests. This is because a polygraph test reacts to increases in heart rate caused by anxiety or guilt. Those with APD aren’t guilty over anything because they do not perceive others as real people. They are physically incapable of empathizing with others, putting themselves in someone else’s place. As such, everyone around them exists to be used.
Most if not all known serial killers suffered from APD, though having it does not mean you’re going to be a killer, of course. It simply makes killing easier. Couple that with the fact that they are extremely aggressive and impulsive and you’ve got someone just begging to be locked away.
The problem is that they don’t come off like Michael Myers. They’re capable of being quite charming. They can fool people for years, giving great displays or remorse and sadness when called upon. But, in the end, it’s all just an act, abandoned without a second thought when it becomes clear that their attempt at manipulation has failed.
In other words, you’ve been warned.
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