Personality Disorder Questionnaire. What’s your flavor of insane?

Disclaimer

Before I get started, I feel I should say a few things to avoid misunderstandings further on down the line. This quiz is homemade and meant for enjoyment purposes only. While it does cover a number of prevalent personality disorders, it is in no way meant as a tool for self-diagnosis. And, of course, no insult or offense of any kind is intended to anyone.

Intro

 

With the disclaimer gobbledygook out of the way, I’ll be frank: Sanity is a myth. It is, in effect, a mass hallucination. I’ve never met a sane person, nor do I know any psychologists who believe in sanity.

 

At best, sanity is a reference point, established by general consensus, of how people should think and behave in daily life. Deviating from the concept is expected, as failing to do so is only accomplished by the dead and the comatose.

 

Thus, we are all insane—round the twist, bonkers, batshit, unhinged, not quite right, have issues, not playing with a full deck, a few sandwiches short of a picnic, Canadian, a Nickelback fan, talking to the faeries, reading Twilight, fit for a dinner jacket with extra long arms, collecting cats, or generally enjoying life.

 

Most of us have more than one problem. The full list is presented in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) IV. It is only when your disorders cause you emotional anguish or impede you in daily life that professional help may be required.

 

So, just for shits and giggles, here is a questionnaire to help determine which of your personality disorders is the most prevalent.

Questions

1. Your aunt, who helped raise you, has just died. You are given $5,000 and are entrusted with the floral arrangements for the funeral. You—

(a) Break into a sobbing pile of pathetic wussy, blame yourself for not finding a cure for old age in time, entrust the arrangements to a florist because “this it too much to deal with right now,” and spend the rest of the month in tearful contemplation of your own worthlessness.

(b) Go with carnations; they bring out your eyes.

(c) Buy wreathes of alternating apaganthus and cammissonia. Alternating apaganthus and bird of paradise would’ve been more correct, but any flower starting with “B” reminds you of the Banana Phone song and you’d like to avoid individually waxing, washing, and drying each tile in your bathroom five times to get the song out of your head.

(d) Spend six months researching worldwide funerary traditions to come up with the best possible arrangement, miss the funeral without realizing it, and in a fog of self pity and Haagen Daaz, remember that your aunt always loved roses.

(e) Keep the money and snag the flowers from the funeral being held in the church across the street. Bunch of blind, crotchety, blue-haired prunes won’t notice.

2. Your SATs are tomorrow and you haven’t studied. You—

(a) Look through your study sheets, shriek, and spend the night in a fetal position on your bathroom floor, sucking your thumb.

(b) Get a good night’s sleep so you’ll look your best. Once the examiner gets an eyeful of your winning smile, she’ll just give you the answers.

(c) Study diligently all night, sit for the exam, see your desk is dirty, and spend the entire test period scouring your workspace clean with the Clorox, Ajax, and handi-wipes you always keep in your book bag.

(d) Study all night and walk in, ready to take on the world. Halfway through the test, feel a panic attack coming on, and run screaming from the room.

(e) Spend the night getting trashed. Make sure you sit next to a brainiac. Nurse your hangover with a two-hour nap. Then swap exams when you hand them in.

3. You send in a short story to a writer’s fan fiction contest. Six months later, you receive a nasty rejection letter. You—

(a) Ritually flog yourself, because if you can’t learn to write better the normal way, then maybe THE PAIN WILL TEACH YOU!

(b) Stare at the letter in absolute surprise. Spend the rest of the day out with your friends, getting them to agree with you that the only way your genius story could’ve been rejected is if the contest was rigged.

(c) Do nothing. The contest ended three months ago. You weren’t able to resolve the lack of a prompt reply. The guidelines said three months. And three months is three months. Three months is three months. Three months is three months. Three months is three months… What? No, get away from me! (You have since been placed in a mental health facility owing to an incident involving several copper wire brushes, electric hair trimmers, a full tub, three runcible spoons, and one very confused hedgehog.)

(d) Shrug. It’s to be expected. You knew the odds were so far against you that the thought of winning was ludicrous. But, against all reason, you will agonize over your next submission and eagerly enter the contest again next year.

(e) Track down the bastard editor that wrote to you and make him eat his own teeth.

4. Underwear?

(a) Tighty whities, just like mom used to buy. *sniffles* Oh, God! Mom, I miss you! Why’d you have make me move out of the basement? I’ve been sooo lonely since my pet turtle ran away! Why does everyone always leave me?

(b) None. Why cover up perfection?

(c) In the top drawer, alphabetized by brand, then sub-ordered by color and style.

(d) Boxers. No, briefs. No, wait! Boxers. Hmmm. Boxers cover more and are more socially acceptable. But briefs provide greater support and take up less room. But didn’t I read somewhere a study that said too much pressure can increase the rate of testicular cancer? Hmm. I wonder how they completed their study….

(e) Whatever makes me seem more trustworthy. Say, you wouldn’t be willing to lend me a couple bucks, would you?

5. Favorite color?

(a) Black. In complete darkness, no one can see me. Maybe I’ll just stop existing if I hope hard enough. *returns to cutting self*

(b) Silver. Shine it enough and it makes a mirror.

(c) Rainbow. Except it should be ordered: blue, green, indigo, orange, red, violet, yellow.

(d) Red. No, wait. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red! Blue! Aww, hell with it! White.

(e) Black. Much easier to sneak up on people in the dark.

6. Recurring dream?

(a) What? Who told you? That’s between me, my therapist, and those wonderful faceless people who don’t judge and will never leave me. I know they’re out there somewhere!

(b) I am walking down the red carpet at a Hollywood premiere, the leaders of the world bowing down before my magnificence.

(c) The world is set on fire. And as it burns, it leaves no ash behind. There I exist in the empty void, clean, bodiless, thoughtless, and finally at peace.

(d) I have two heads. One whines, the other logically shoots down these arguments. Then a giant Easter bunny appears and gives birth to a Peep army of marshmallow doom.

(e) I don’t dream.

7. What do you do when you go to a party?

(a) Find a friend I know, cling to him/her for the rest of the night. If I accidentally make an ass of myself, I will drink until I don’t remember what happened. That or throw myself in front of a bus.

(b) The party doesn’t matter. My entrance does. After that, who cares?

(c) Help out in the kitchen. Wind up scrubbing glasses, dishes, and pots all night long.

(d) Get lost in thought trying to figure out what to wear. Never make it out the door.

(e) Go looking for a one night stand. And if there’s a good chance of getting away with it, check the rooms for any errant jewelry or car keys while I’m at it.

Conclusion. Congrats!

 

Now that I’ve run out of questions to ask and don’t know how to put together anything more sophisticated, figure out which letter you answered the majority of the time (this is what most quizzes do anyway. They just don’t tell you). Then go to the appropriate lettered answer below to figure out what your damage is.

A=Borderline Personality Disorder. AKA: God help you

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is aptly named, as those who have it are obsessed with borders and extremes. There is no equilibrium of thought or emotion in people with this disorder. Emotion, is in fact the core issue here. It controls them.

 

The basis for this issue is abandonment. BPDs feel a paralyzing terror over being abandoned by their parents. This carries forward toward all later relationships in life and creates a deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness. They blame themselves for everything, and because they expect the worst, it tends to happen.

 

BPDs are naturally hypersensitive toward these thoughts and construe all changes as possible acts of abandonment, meaning any form of social interaction is fraught with danger. Likewise, they cannot cope with stress, bad news, or sudden complications in daily life. This can result in breakdowns, sometimes complete psychosis and sometimes a fit of hysterics. This is not simply being emotional. This is a serious issue, characterized by self-destructive acts such as drinking, smoking, drug use, drunk driving, sudden bursts of violence, self-mutilation, and attempted suicide.

 

You know, I was really hoping to keep this article light-hearted and comedic, but it’s kinda tough when the reader might take offense and hurt himself over it. So I’m just going to back away from this issue in as non-threatening a manner possible.

B=Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 

Let’s face it folks, if you’ve got Narcissistic Personality Disorder, chances are that you won’t be able to pull yourself away from a mirror long enough to read this. These people are self-obsessed beyond reason and logic. They believe they have a right to special treatment in any situation. They believe they are perfect and spend an incredible amount of time building a persona to best convey this to other people. Any attempt to challenge this persona is met with unadulterated rage until such time as the person has asserted the fact that he is the beat all and end all of the world.

 

The general theory is that this is a pathological (bordering on psychosis) response to low self-esteem. Sort of the fake it till you make it approach. I personally believe that some people are just born douchebags and end up on JerseyShore.

C=Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. As people who suffer from it call it, CDO

People immediately associate Obssesive Compulsive Disorder with cleanliness, washing your hands, and a focus on order. This is misleading, as these behaviors point more toward mysophobia (fear of germs) than anything else.

 

OCD comes in two parts: Obsession and Compulsion. Obsession starts with a person unable to get a thought, image, sound, or song from his/her head. It repeats over and over. It’s often a negative thought as well, one that disgusts or bothers the person.

 

Eventually, the Obsession gives way to a Compulsion, a physical behavior which becomes associated with getting rid of the thought. This can go one of two possible ways.

 

The more common is behaviors associated with order: cleaning, vacuuming, showering, washing one’s hands, etc. These are the physical embodiment of tidying away and cleaning the mind, creating order. Conversely, anything associated with uncleanliness is to be strictly avoided as it may bring on more Obsessions.

 

The less common but more destructive behavior is completely random. Compulsions develop because the thoughts eventually go away of their own accord, but the OCD sufferer links banishing the thought with whatever he/she was doing when it went away at the time. Taking this to an extreme, Compulsions can be linked with whatever act the OCD sufferer was considering when the obsessive thought went away.

This can create a seemingly limitless number of compulsions, the worst of which I’ve heard was a college student who boarded up his windows, turned off all the lights, collected his own excretions in jars which he stored in his closet, and refused to leave his room except at midnight, where he would sneak down to the refrigerator. His diet consisted of mayonnaise, non-dairy creamer, milk, ground corned beef, and cocoa powder, consumed in a slurry while making a hissing noise through the teeth.

 

Of course, had you OCD and not know it, you will once you try to go to sleep tonight and get that image out of your head.

D=Fractured Personality Disorder. Perfect, almost.

Many people have heard of multiple personality disorder. It’s been in all sorts of films, soap operas, and even was the defense used in a number of court cases. In reality, it’s not that common. Fractured Personality Disorder, a more subdued version, is.

Imagine the mind as a diamond. Everything, memories, thoughts, emotions, and all that makes up who a man is, is contained within its structure. The diamond has natural faults, tiny little cracks, weaknesses. Now, subject the diamond to stress, pressure. With enough stress, the cracks widen. Eventually, the diamond breaks into fragments. Each fragment is a different aspect of the mind. Throughout the day, the fragments vie for dominance of the human being. That is why people with Fracture Personality Disorder can be such dichotomies. At times, they are prone to extremes of emotion, displaying panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and extreme anger. Other times, they are in complete control. This is when the logical side of the mind is dominant.

People who write for a living are usually FPDs. Having to deal with constant rejection, logically knowing how low the chances of success in their career path is, while still finding the drive to carry on day after day in what is largely a self-motivating profession can only be explained by a separation of logic and emotion in a fashion which allows the writer to remain functional. As such, FPD is the only answer.

One aspect of note separating FPD from multiple personality disorder is the interplay of experience between fragments. Multiple personalities often aren’t aware of things that go on while another personality is dominant. With FPD, the change between dominant fragments is known as the shift. During the shift, people with FPD may suffer a temporary mental fog. It has been likened to a fugue state or a short but intense internal dialogue. Theoretically this is where memory transference takes place. It should be noted that memory can be a problem with FPD sufferers. They often feel mentally preoccupied, and because of this tend to be thought of as forgetful or absentminded. Clearly, if memory transference is occurring, ability to absorb new information may be impaired. That or they just don’t pay attention.

They start young
They start young

E=Antisocial Personality Disorder

 

If you really have this disorder, then I’m glad we’re not talking face to face. This is one of those disorders people are born with, and no one knows why. Probably because no one survives long around APDs. The less correct but more common term for someone with APD is psychopath, or sociopath, if you prefer.

 

They are consummate liars and manipulators. They can even pass polygraph tests. This is because a polygraph test reacts to increases in heart rate caused by anxiety or guilt. Those with APD aren’t guilty over anything because they do not perceive others as real people. They are physically incapable of empathizing with others, putting themselves in someone else’s place. As such, everyone around them exists to be used.

 

Most if not all known serial killers suffered from APD, though having it does not mean you’re going to be a killer, of course. It simply makes killing easier. Couple that with the fact that they are extremely aggressive and impulsive and you’ve got someone just begging to be locked away.

 

The problem is that they don’t come off like Michael Myers. They’re capable of being quite charming. They can fool people for years, giving great displays or remorse and sadness when called upon. But, in the end, it’s all just an act, abandoned without a second thought when it becomes clear that their attempt at manipulation has failed.

 

In other words, you’ve been warned.

More by this Author


Comments 27 comments

Joy At Home profile image

Joy At Home 6 years ago from United States

Bet you knew I'd get an almost equal number of "C's" and "D's", huh? :-D


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

I would mail you my comment but I don't leave my room any more.

Bravo, jarn. Although you write with such humor, you are almost as funny as me.

Wait a minute. You stole this entire hub from my mind. The voices told me so.

It's good the voices told me because I forgot what I'm commenting about.

Send me all your future hubs and I will edit them for you. Heh, heh!

You can reach me c/o the AFFSFFPD - Asylum For Folks Suffering From Five Personality Disorders.


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

Joy, Yeah. I kinda guessed. I'm mostly A's and D's myself. Glad you guys liked it.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Oh my - first your hub and then BJ's comments - I may not be able to recover. I think I have all the above - except maybe the antisocial personality disorder.

You do know of course that mental illness is NOT something to make fun of, right? I come from a long line of truly insane people - they had cards that said so! All kidding aside, that fact plus all my other life experiences has taught me to not fear going over to the 'dark side'. I have seen the enemy and it is your own mind.

I constantly refer to the 'plate in my head' or the 'evil twins in my brain having a fight about who wins this round' - and I wonder why people look at me a little strangely. I do believe, however, that we all have these tendencies to quirkiness that I guess could be construed as being a little short of a full deck but oh well - what the heck! I figure on any given day, I'm way more sane than the people running this country or the world for that matter (not that I have delusions of grandeur or anything)!

Considering where I came from, and the fact that I'm not in a rubber room or being shot full of medication while I'm pinned to a table, I figure it's all good and there's only positives in my little rose-colored glasses world!

Did my alternate ego/split personality mention that that was a wonderfully engaging and enjoyable hub? We both laughed until we cried! If I had a bigger wardrobe, I would have more personalities but I can only afford 2 at the moment!


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

It's not that other people are sane, you're just being more honest with yourself. Jung used to talk an invisible dog for a walk every day to make sure that he was always open and honest with himself rather than give into social pressure. I'm so happy to hear you found this one funny. It's not easy to make fun of mental conditions, especially when the blue gnome on my shoulder is telling me to burn the house down.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

I think life is to be taken seriously sometimes but then most of the time I think not. Some of the most horrible things in my life were not so terrible just by me being able to see some humor in them. I guess if that makes me nuts, I must be certifiable!

I think laughter is perhaps the best medicine we can prescribe - for ourselves and others. I think a lot of mental illness stems from insecurities and past hurts that were never reconciled. I guess I like to let it all flow and keep my mind open because you just never know what you're going to discover!

One of my favorite quotes is the mind is like a parachute - it functions best when open. I've seen totally sane people act so insanely I couldn't believe it - and insane people act like the most rational people in the world. So I figure somewhere in between must be normal, eh?

Again, wonderfully written and I may have to talk to myself (her again with the RULES) about writing more things mental!


Dim Flaxenwick profile image

Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

Yep!!!! l´m a definate FPD and glad to be . , otherwise l may have been bordering on the sociopathic personality (Or lack of it)

This is the most hilarious thing l´ve read in a while. Don´t know how l´ve missed you on hubpages till now, but l´m sure glad l found you.

Sanity is, of course, overated.... Cheers!!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

I'm guilty of generally enjoying life. I thought that was sanity? Guess I am delusional. :)

Answers:

1. Blue Iris, wheat and ivy for the wreath. The rest of the $ will go to support something she loved, since she would hate to see it all wasted on a funeral.

2. I never study for a multiple choice test. Why bother?

3. I am surprised -- I'd forgotten about the the contest, but why were they so rude? I can't remember what I wrote. Was it really that bad?

4. Clean.

5. Anything but purple!

6. Now... to find the location of that dream and the people in it, 'cause I am sure they are real.

7. Have fun watching people and learning new things.

Guess I didn't fit any of your profiles... BUT, if I ever go insane I will be an E! Stealing flowers from a neighboring funeral? My aunt would love it! Looking for loose things at a party? Somebody has got to put them away... might as well be me, after all, I have a place to keep them. :D


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

My goodness, I don't think I've seen the like. What we have here is a case of severe hallucinations, quite possibly brought on by the rigors of child-rearing. But, what makes it the most extraordinary case that I've ever seen, is that in a brilliant example of lateral thinking, she is hallucinating that she's completely sane! I think we may have found a possible cure for patients suffering from psychotic delusions.

The trick would be guiding the hallucination. Perhaps something to do with lysergic acid and muppets. I volunteer for human testing.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

As a confirmed Antisocial Personality Disorder person, don't be surpirsed if one dark night I come in throught he window and drink your blood .... muahahaha ... ;-)


Joy At Home profile image

Joy At Home 6 years ago from United States

Hm-m...you mention lysergic acid, muppets, and child rearing. Is this what you had in mind?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2nHGlE06y0


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

De Greek, be careful about that. I was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After a week of agonizing pain, the rattlesnake died. :) word to the wise.

Joy At Home, with muppets, you don't need acid. :)

I really miss that show. John Denver and Jim Henson were great guys.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

"Severe hallucinations," you say. Is that your final answer?

Then, "'OFF WITH HIS HEAD!' And yes,that is my final answer. I just love the Queen of Hearts. She is such a sweet heart, so forgiving and understanding."

*ahem* I'm sorry, I have no idea where that came form. I try to contain myself, but every now and then I escape. What I was going to say is, if a hallucination of being sane is brought on by the rigors of child rearing, then I suggest we introduce some traditional values back into our culture and start having large families again. Really, it would be much better for this country. Think of all that would be saved on medical expense, for all of these other disorders.

"Yeah, and don't worry about over population. That is what war and disease is for. Weeds out the week and mighty. Leaves the average behind to live their happy hallucinations." Hey! I told you to zip it! "It worked in the middle ages, didn't it? Why wouldn't it work now?" It worked for Cain and Able too, but that doesn't make it right!

I'm sorry. It looks like I should be spending more time with my children. :)


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

I'm sure your kids will like the attention. For them, it's like having two mommies!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

This was a fun/funny and interesting piece. I have been in the mental health field for years (To figure out how many diagnosies I had) and your information is good and pulls you in because of the fun writing style. I must go now because I am obsessing over how many neurosies and pychosies I have.


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

Glad you liked it. What part of the field do you work in?


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

I have done quite a variety in this field...one on one counseling, phone counseling, crisis counseling, EAP phone counseling, case manager for women in recovery. Currently doing in-home marketing. As far from the field as possible. Needed a break and trying to focus on me more nowadays. Have a great night Jarn.


Jarn profile image

Jarn 6 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

I was trying to get into behavioral therapy, but my health caught up with me before I could get my master's. Can't leave my home most days, so I'm trying to get a career writing going instead. Mixed results so far. Good luck with in-home marketing. Sounds different.


aslanlight profile image

aslanlight 5 years ago from England

Well I come to your hub thinking I'm perfect but now I find out I'm a narcissist! Damn it.


Jarn profile image

Jarn 5 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

Hmmm. Not sure if I've ever heard of a narcissist willing to admit it. We'll have to isolate and study you. O_0


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 5 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

i'm soooooo glad i found and read this,... i laughed till the tears rolled,.. it was like reading an acount of my family christmas dinner,.. thank you for this, you saved my saturday!


Jarn profile image

Jarn 5 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

Happy to be of help. Sounds like you've got some interesting Christmas dinners. I've always wondered, how many placemats do you leave out for a multiple personality disorder?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I couldn't finish this exam, I was too busy coloring everything black and screaming at the voice in my head.

I don't have voices, they're all anti-social, so they only come in one at a time. They all say the same thing though.... HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

They are, of course referring to the fact that Drbj comments on every hub on hubpages.

I must go now, I have more voices to answer. I don't know.. now hush! Get me another crayon, I'm running out of black!


Jarn profile image

Jarn 5 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

Quick, close your eyes! Everything's black and you save tons of cash on crayons! :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

OMG. You're brilliant! What do I owe you? I have some extra crayons...


Jarn profile image

Jarn 5 years ago from Sebastian, Fl Author

SShhhh! Don't let anyone hear you. The shadowmen fear crayons! Keep them safe; they will serve you in good stead one day when our shadows revolt.


Elise-Loyacano profile image

Elise-Loyacano 4 years ago from San Juan, Puerto Rico

Very funny indeed. I fully enjoyed this.

Perhaps my favorite part was, "Recurring dreams: What? Who told you? That’s between me, my therapist, and those wonderful faceless people who don’t judge and will never leave me. I know they’re out there somewhere!"

And stclairjack, do you perchance film your Christmas dinners? They sound entertaining.

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